Dancing with the Stars: The Most Ungangly Carnage Since Cloverfield 3

Oh it feels good to be back at the ‘gasm. Thank you to Flipit for thinking of me and bringing me back on board and sharing the DWTS duties with me, because as he said to me, “OMG three two hour nights in a row!?!?!?!?!” Yeah. Yeeeeaaaaaah.

The episode starts with the usual fanfare, live band and rhinestones. We see clips of what’s to come and two seconds in, Kim Kardashian has already decapitated someone with her ass. All I can think about as this starts is how hard Tom Bergeron blew at The Emmys. Do you think it’s kind of awkward there today? Everyone avoiding eye contact with him so they don’t have to give him a compliment he knows isn’t true? And do you think Samantha Harris is pissed she didn’t get a nod?

When you make Heidi Klum seem fascinating by comparison, you’re in troubs.

Tom says it’s the biggest season ever. Unneccessarily big ahem 6 hours of DWTS this week ahem. Well don’t worry, they’re going to weed out the really bad ones right away as we’re going to lose two of our illustrious “stars” this week. Tom goes on about how this is a cast of award winners – they have the oldest and youngest competitors ever. Is there really an award for that? Also, there are TWO Olympic medalists. And a father vs. son. Again, is that an award? Oh, and the father and son are ballroom dancers. Don’t try to give me that drama. That’s how you end up with the Mario Lopez and Karina nonstory.

The list goes:

Cody Linley and Julianne – He’s from Hannah Montana so I have no idea who he is and hate him for making my 24-year old self feel old.

Rocco DiSpirito and Karina – He’s that celebrity chef who was apparently a huuuge asshole on The Restaurant. I didn’t watch, so I don’t know, but that’s what I’m told. Mostly I think he’s a whore ever since that Top Chef episode where he sold his Bertoli frozen dinners or some shit like that.

Toni Braxton and Alec – They keep claiming she’s a Tony Award winner, but that is blatantly false. I will have “Unbreak My Heart” stuck in my head until she gets eliminated.

Maurice Green and Cheryl – He’s a track and field Olympian and boring to me, pop culturally.

Brooke Burke and Derek – She’s a model. Snooze.

Ted McGinley and Inna – He’s most famous for being a handsome douchebag in movies and TV, from Revenge of the Nerds to “Married… with Children.”

Lance Bass and Lacey – My original viewing notes had FOUR exclamation points after Lacey’s name. Because I was psyched to see her on this as you may know if you read my SYTYCD recaps. I love Lacey, but find her fake Avril Lavigne emo-ness annoying. Regardless, I’m more excited about her being on this show than Lance.

Cloris Leachman and Corky – “boobs” is what I had in my original notes and I’m going with it. She is all old lady and boobs.

Give this feisty broad a couple of weeks to loosen up and she’ll be rockin the outfit to the left.

Comedy Jeffrey Ross and Edyta – He’s a comedian and sooo not going to do well on this.

Kim Kardashian and Mark – They call her a “reality TV star” and I take umbrage with that because we ALL know she is famous for having a sex tape and a big ass. Just ask Joel McHale.

Susan Lucci and Tony – She’s a legendary loser of Emmys. Also, she’s on an ABC soap, so you know she’s going to stick around for a while if for no other reason than for the free, synergetic commercials.

Misty May-Treanor and Maks – All made up like this, Misty is a dead ringer for Audrina Patridge on The Hills. And I do mean dead. Like, behind the eyes.

Warren Sapp & Kym- He’s a football player of some kind so he gives my boyfriend an incentive to watch the show with me, so I’m rooting for him to go all the way. He’s also comically larger than his partner. And oh, how I love physical comedy!

Alright, on to the DANCE!

Cody and Julianne are up first. He should do well with the tween vote, which is why he’s here, clearly. He’s excited to dance with Julianne cause she’s hot and HE’S STRAIGHT. He swears. He looks at her ass all the time in rehearsal, methinks overcompensating for the highlights. They’re dancing to Christina Aguilera sound-alike while Julianne is a look-alike. They’re dancing the Cha Cha and Julianne did a nice job choreographing so we’re always distracted by her. She is all legs and back. And they do lots of spins in a really small space and I pay hardly any attention to Cody at all.

Sorry, but do you mind if I call you Carlos?

Len tells them they have really “high energy” because of their youth but he comes off as a crotchety old man telling kids to get off his lawn. Bruno tells them to be cleaner. And Carrie Ann makes a point to mention that their combined age is younger than her, but all the women on this show wear so much makeup I find it impossible to even guess at ages.

As they wait for their scores, I see a DISTINCT line between Cody’s face and neck. Someone fire that makeup person! They get 6′s across the board for a total of 18.

Apparently there were two injuries in rehearsal – Karina – turned her ankle. And Jeffrey Ross hurt his hand? Or eye? Ugh GROSS! I don’t need to see someone get poked in the eye in slow motion, ABC!!!! After commercials, we will learn their fate. Dun dun DUUUUNNNN!

These commercials serve to remind me that I NEED AN IPHONE. Thank you, Steve Jobs, for reminding me of my rampant materialism.

Satan must be really glad this show is back.

And after the commercials, the non-drama is wrapped up as we learn that Karina just rolled her ankle and she’ll be dancing tonight because it’s not actually a big deal. Thanks for wasting 10 minutes of the show on it, then. Anyways, Rocco made Karina fettuccine with truffles for their first meeting. Isn’t she still Mario Lopez’s girlfriend? Mario Lopez is going to take a hit out on Rocco.

No trouble at all! I just microwaved it! And you can too! Order now!

They’re doing the Foxtrot. I’m bored. He looks like he’s having fun, which is nice to see. But it looks hard. I don’t like to watch things that look hard. That’s almost like effort. There are foxtails on her dress or something. Oh ballroom dancers with their questionable taste.

After the dance, Rocco looks like he knows just how ridiculous he looked dancing. Not good. Bruno said they were off from the music and chaotic. Carrie Ann thought it was cute. Deep, Carrie Ann. And specific. Nice job, judge. Len jabbers and I can’t understand him through his accent. He wants Finesse or something. Bad hair day?

They go backstage to talk to Samantha Harris as the judges tally their scores. Samantha Harris is alarmingly thin. I don’t understand the women’s trend of showing arm sinew through one’s skin. Who finds that attractive? They look like raptors. Anyways, back to the dancers. Rocco says he doesn’t care about the scores, he’s having fun. That’s kind of charming. Carrie Ann-5 Len-4, Bruno-5, for a total of 14. Ouch.

Toni Braxton is up next. In rehearsals we learn she has a heart condition, which is why she’s dancing – to prove her strength! She’s dancing to live! It’s the plot of th e next Nicholas Sparks novel, in stores this Christmas.

Unclog my heart.

They’re dancing the Cha Cha to that Santana song from a few years ago. Some old man is creeping on the microphone. Back away sir! The dance is not bad, though unbalanced. I suppose that’s to be expected though with an amateur and a professional dancing together.

They get a standing ovation from two dudes in the corner. Carrie Ann applauds Toni for facing her fears through dance and tells them it’s a week 5 dance. Len thinks she flexes her knees and wants to see straighter legs. Toni kisses his ass. Bruno found her slinky, sexy and sultry. He’s pleased and alliterative. I’m unsurprised because she’s an R&B singer, so she’s got to have rhythm.

Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 7, Bruno – 8, for a total of 22. The best so far. Toni is adorably pleased. Cloris Leachman in the background is the best part about this segment. “Greatest octogenarian cleave,” says my friend Adrian.

Tootie? Gimme a huuuug!

Maurice and Cheryl are up next. As a runner, he should have fast feet, right? Their dance is very slow. Also, her dress is doing her no favors. It’s like a sleeveless polo on top with a stripper back and gypsy bottom. Ugh, the worst part about these ballroom shows are the outfits.

Shannon Elizabeth is in the audience tonight wearing those weird tiny butterfly hairclips I had in 7th grade. However, I’m happy to see she harbors no ill will towards the show. All three times I watched last year I feel like she was always sobbing about something.

Len calls Maurice and Cheryl’s dance wild, wacky and wonderful. Uh oh, sounds like he caught the alliterative bug! Bruno says he has a great presence and showed great promise for the rest of the season. Carrie Ann – says the parts that were actually “Foxtrot” (oooo, burn Cheryl!) were weak and calls Maurice “James Brownie.” Which would be a great woman-to-man drag name if such a thing existed.

Maurice and Cheryl get 6′s across the board for a total of 18.

Brooke Burke is introduced as “Hollywood’s hottest soccer mom.” Is that a job? How is she not outraged at that title? Brooke clarifies that in addition to her hottest soccer mom duties, she is also a model and TV host. She’s never danced before. I just need to take a moment here to note that Derek just said that he’s “going to huff and puff and blow the competition.” Because I am 12. Anyways, in rehearsals Brooke and Derek are worried that’s she’s not going to remember the steps.

Blow harder.

They are dancing the Cha Cha tonight and they are playing up their best assets, namely, Brooke’s body. The choreography is good at hiding what a lazy dancer she is – or maybe it’s just her looks. Oh wait, or maybe she’s actually good! Brooke Burke is my new front runner! Carrie Ann calls her supermom with an “amazing torso.” So true! Bruno hilariously calls Len out for staring like a creeper. Len calls her the best so far.

Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 8, Bruno – 8, for a total of 23 and the best of the night so far.

Guys, sad thought of the night – Piper Parabo’s comeback is in Beverly Hills Chihuahua. She and Cuba Gooding, Jr. should get together and talk about starring in stupid dog movies.

Coming next season.

Ted McGinley is playing the macho man card, which is going to get tired real fast. Because he’s soooo macho it will be hard to make him look graceful. Whatever. He claims to be “every guy.” Not any of the guys I watch this show with.

They’re dancing the Foxtrot to the Beach Boys. He is broad which is nice, but he’s got a little Patrick Dempsey-Face going on. You know what I’m talking about – that bullshitting eyebrow raise that says “I’m doing this to get laid.” Shut up you smug bastard! Sorry, I have an aversion to Patrick Dempsey ever since they remade My Best Friends Wedding into that piece of shit where he actually stops the wedding and gets the girl in the end.

That is not how that story goes you smug bastard!

Bruno says he was alternately Cary Grant and Steve Carrel in Get Smart- zing! Len thought he had style and elegance with his heels and toes in the right place. Carrie Ann could see his nerves.

Tom Bergeron mentions the Jonas Brothers are the special guests on the results show and my friend Adrian reacts to that news like he would to his dog peeing on the floor. Ted and Inna get 6′s across the board which I find generous.

Lance Bass and Lacey Schwimmer are next. While he’s famous for being in the boy band NSync – he says a little known fact is that he was the worst dancer in the group. Regardless he danced, which is more than Ted McGinley had coming into this show. Lacey is here to show ballroom can be cool.

And she’s failing horribly already.

They’re doing the Cha Cha and for someone who says he can’t dance he’s moving very well. I hate their look, though. Seriously, Lacey’s outfit is an eyesore, all torn fabric and boots and pink and IS THAT HIS FACE ON HER DRESS? Joey FatOne nods in the background in appreciation.

Len says what they did they did well, but it was too young. He wants tradition or something. Again, he’s the old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn. Carrie Ann thought it was hot. Ugh, no. My eyes are still recovering. I threw up a little in my mouth. Bruno called it spunky, loved how “now” it was. Blech. No, if “now” is wearing Lance Bass’s face on your ass, I’ll stay in the past. Carrie Ann – 8, Len – 6, Bruno – 8, for a total of 22. Not bad, not bad.

Finally! Cloris Leachman is next. She’s 82 and has 9 Emmys, a Golden Globe and an Oscar. Why the hell is she here? She’s dancing with Corky who is the father of another contestant. Whatever. Their intro is all about how old they are. They’re OLD! OLD OLD OLD! She laughs like Popeye and talks back to Corky and they have a combined age of 129. OLD.

Thanks, Oops I Crapped My Pants!

They’ve drawn the Foxtrot and it’s oh so awkward. Like watching your grandmother get hit on by a slick talking gold-digging Mafioso at your cousin’s wedding. It’s the happiest your grandma has ever been. Which is sweet, but still. Awkward.

At the end they get a standing ovation for surviving. Someone’s laughing hysterically. And it’s Carrie Ann, the consummate professional.

Bruno loved her, calling her an “imposing presence of a battleship geriatrica.” For someone who hasn’t seemed to master the English language, he sure is evocative. Cloris puts her leg up and then gets on her knees in front of Len. She’s distracting the judges from the business at hand with her GIANT cleavage on the table. Len gets flustered and flubs his line.

It’s not polite to point, dude.

Cloris sits on Carrie Ann’s lap. This is so weird. Carrie Ann’s all “get off me.” Her partner basically has to pull her off the stage. She’s such a ham. Cloris also gets a standing O backstage too. All that hamming has left no time for chit chat, thankfully. They get 6-5-5. And two bleeps from the censors for Cloris. Cloris then calls Samantha Harris stupid as she points out that the producers do the adding for her behind the camera. Awesome. That’s what Cloris is here for!

So remember how earlier Jeffrey Ross was poked in the eye? Well they’re going to show you a few more times in slow motion for good measure. The doctors told him not to dance, but he’s gotta know his time here is short so he’s dancing anyways. Jeffrey explains that he won a competition at 10 at camp, and he’s dancing to the same song.

Jeffrey is dancing without the eyepatch he’s been sporting all night. Edyta is wearing chiffon legwarmers and one sleeve and underwear, which is an interesting choice, sartorially. She’s literally dancing circles around him, but I keep reminding myself that’s the point. His performance is stiff and really pretty bad.

Carrie Ann thought it sucked but she feels bad for his injury. Bruno called it the most “ungangly carnage since Cloverfield 3.” See? What a way with words! Also he says something about tits which is classy. Len says he’s a winner for coming on the show. No, I’m pretty sure it’s actually the opposite.

They get straight 4′s which is the lowest score of the night so far.

Gayest. Eyepatch. EVER.

Kim Kardashian is still being introduced as a reality TV “star.” Don’t forget about the sex tape. She’s partnered with Mark, who won last year. Why do some of them meet at their homes? They mention the one thing that might slow her down – Kim has balance issues. I was going to make a joke about it being her ass, but seriously, she’s always falling backwards. It IS her ass! Also, there might be something to that “reality TV star” schtick, because she’s really good at the rehearsed impromptu dialogue in rehearsal and in interviews.

They drew the Foxtrot. And they’re dancing to the theme song from The Pink Panther. Nooooo. That makes two songs I’ll have stuck in my head for the rest of the week. For someone whose entire life is lived on TV, Kim looks remarkably uncomfortable up there.

Len calls it clean, but cold and calls out their lack of chemistry. Bruno calls her a dusky beauty like Jasmine from Aladdin – “a treasure trove everyone wants to explore.” Hahaha, Reggie Bush is going to kick his aaaass!

Carrie Ann – 6, Len – 7, Bruno – 6, for a total of 19.

Biggest star of the night.

Susan Lucci is up next. Remember when she could never win an Emmy? Like the daytime Emmy’s matter! Lolz, Susan Lucci. They show an awesome campy clip where she slaps some lady good. Tony is her partner Do you think ABC made her do this show? They keep saying Erica Kane.

Susan and Tony are dancing the Cha Cha to “Heard It Through the Grapevine.” She’s pretty awful. Her legs are no where and she’s so unsure of herself. If she weren’t on another ABC show I’d say she’s not long for this show.

Bruno says the Cha Cha needs a slut, and she was too careful, but still somehow sloppy. He wants her to let herself go. Carrie Ann tells her she looks great, which is how you know her performance was no good, but wants her to gain weight. Bruno and Susan fake hump. Grooooss.

They get straight 5′s and Susan Lucci talks like she’s on a soap in real life. Something in the cadence of her voice.

Don’t make me smack you, bitch.

Misty Mae-Treanor is up next. This is the follow up to your gold medal? Geeze. She wants people to see her grace. Also, she missed the closing ceremonies to train. Lame. Maks wants her to walk like a lady. He also mocks her thick neck which is a great way to make her feel more confident as a dancer, I’m sure.

Seriously. You look like the Hunchback guy in that Disney cartoon. Let’s dance!

She moves surprisingly well, if she’s not the lightest on her feet. She commits, though. Those Olympians don’t do anything halfway.

Carrie Ann appreciated the intensity Len thought it elegant and nuanced with the music. They get a 6 from Carrie Ann, 8 from Len and a 7 from Bruno.

Last up Warren Sapp who is already my favorite, you guys. He’s just hilarious and genial. He keeps doing his sack dance in the studio when he gets something right. He’s not afraid to be a fool, which bodes well. He says he’s going from “quarterback killer to dance floor thriller.”

He’s adorably into the dance and surprisingly light on his feet. Kym is the one slipping in the routine (though I suspect he’s throwing her around a little.) Seriously, he could rip her in half. I kind of fear for Kym’s life.

Crack

Len called him a bundle of joy. Bruno says big boys can dance. Carrie Ann loved them and says their ending the night on a happy note. Backstage Warren is nervous about his scores, which makes me like him all the more. They end up with straight 7′s for a lucky score of 21.

So to recap the recap, the final scores are, in descending order:

Brooke and Derek – 23

Lance and Lacey – 22

Toni and Alec – 22

Misty and Makx – 21

Warren and Kym – 21

Kim and Mark – 19

Ted and Inna – 18

Maurice and Cheryl – 18

Cody and Julianne – 18

Cloris and Corky – 16

Susan and Tony – 15

Rocco and Karina – 14

Jeffrey and Edyta – 12

Who do you think was overrated? Under? And who’s YOUR favorite “star” this year?