Dancing with the Stars: Rocco’s Stallion Runs Out of Juice

Last week’s outrageous 6 hours of Dancing With The Stars resulted in the ousting of “comedian” Jeffrey Ross and professional handsome man Ted McGinley. I just have to say. Poor Jeffrey. Getting poked in the eye and then summarily kicked off the show. That’s gotta hurt.

That glitter patch hurt us way more than it hurt you.

*** Hey guys! This week Krank is on recap duty and Flipit is on pic and pic results recap duty! ENJOY !!

This week’s show will continue to challenge the “stars,” but instead of doing two dances in one week, this week they have a shortened time frame to rehearse either the Paso Doblé or the Rumba. That brings us to week’s flash of recapper materialism – I need a Roomba. Seriously, the entertainment value alone in Roomba vs. my dog cage matches more than makes up for the cost.

Tom Bergeron makes some “jokes” about the failed bailout. Um, too soon, Tom. Way too soon. Tom asks Len for filler-I mean his expectations for the night. Len rambles a little, but it comes down to the fact that he’s fearing the worst but hoping for the best. Great expectations, Len. Nice pep talk.

Please help Len pay his mortgage, America. Call now!

First up tonight is Toni Braxton. This week, before getting to the dancing, Toni is making her partner, Alec, get out of his comfort zone by going out to sing karaoke. Ha, he’s singing “Unbreak my Heart.” I knew it was going to be stuck in my head for the duration of this season. The bit is amusing, but I don’t understand why, after all the hullabaloo about how little time they had to prepare this week, Toni and Alec are wasting their time with karaoke.

But congrats on out sucking Cameron Diaz.

Back to the dancing, Toni is doubting herself in rehearsals, comparing herself to Cloris (burn!) but I think she looks good. She looks just as great in the final performance, despite the sparkling diaper they’re making her wear. It’s a strong dance, and Toni carries her arms and legs like a real ballroom dancer. Carriage is my favorite part of ballroom dancing – besides the outlandish outfits, OF COURSE.

Yes I mean you. All of you.

Len was pleasantly surprised by the performance, noting they had nice chemistry, but lacked fluidity. Yeah, probably something to do with that limited rehearsal time, no? Jeez, be grateful they got the steps down. Bruno says Toni “captured the sensuality and vulnerability of a reluctant mistress.” And both Len and Bruno say they wanted more basics. Um, if they’re going beyond basics, what’s the problem? Maybe a dancer-type out there can clarify for me? Carrie Ann critiques that Toni’s feet came off the ground twice in lifts. I guess that’s a problem? Are the rules to the Rumba similar to those for ice dancing or something?

If Len knows anything, it’s that his mistresses are reluctant. Who can blame them? A girl’s gotta pay the bills tho.

Scores: Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 8, Bruno – 8, for a total of 23. Useless reminds us that just because Toni and Alec were one of the final two standing last week, that doesn’t mean they were actually in the bottom, so vote. That logic makes no sense.

Up next are Brooke Burke and Derek, who will dance the Paso Doble this week. Brooke and Derek were the top couple of last week, getting the highest scores in both performance shows. Can I just say how much I LOVE Brooke for not wearing makeup to rehearsals? Such a refreshing change from some slatterns (Kim Kardashian, I’m looking at you.)

In rehearsal, Brooke is having trouble finding the right intensity so… they go to a karate class? Again, I don’t get why they’re wasting precious rehearsal time on this! She punches some stuff and feels more aggressive. Or whatever.

Please, the no boobies on me rule still applies. Don’t make me get the baby again.

For the final performance, Brooke is dressed like she’s going as a Spanish señorita for Halloween. Speaking of which, what should my costume be this year? Seriously, I know we’ve never met, but throw me some kick-ass, funny, non-clichéd ideas in the comments section, yo.

They’re dancing to the song from all those DeBeers diamond commercials. I didn’t know this song had a life outside diamond commercials. PS, I love that the YouTube description for this commercial includes when and where this was taped, as well as what the commercial interrupted (Fried Green Tomatoes for those of you who didn’t bother to click my awesome link.)

Hey! She’s using the move from The Karate Kid!

The dance is as good as we’ve come to expect from Brooke Burke, if a little silly in its intensity. Seriously, how did she get to be so good without a dance background? The dance ends with Derek handling the hell out of his satin cape. My favorite part of the Paso Doblé – the capes! (And silly faces.)

No dance background my ass. When your partner is a pole, it still counts.

Carrie Ann thought they were good, but off-balance occasionally. I say Carrie Ann’s comments are boring and I’m not going to recap them anymore until she starts spouting outlandish gibberish like Len and Bruno. Len thought Brooke controlled her aggression very well, though he thought the beginning and end were silly. Shut up, Len! Some of us like a little showmanship and creativity! That cape waving was the best part! Bruno thinks Brooke was born to dance and talks about her “breath-taking artistry” while still keeping time with the fast-pace of the music.

Tom promises us great performances from a pussycat doll and a Step Up star tomorrow. Are either of those really a draw for anyone? Is anyone going to go, “Oh a pussycat doll will be on tomorrow, I better tune in!? ” Also, Jessica Simpson will be there. Blech, go away Jessica Simpson. If I didn’t like your pop music, I’m sure as hell not going to respond to your country music!

ProPhotoshop

Brooke and Derek get 8′s across the board for a total of 24. Here I have to pause to note Cloris Leachman, whose presence is, again, the best part of the backstage interviews. Cloris. Oh Cloris, what have they done to you? She looks like a cross between Princess Leia and my imagination’s idea of William Tell.

The return of Frau Blücher

Up next are Rocco DiSpirito and Karina doing the Rumba. Things are not going too well in rehearsal because apparently Rocco’s version of romance is making you risotto and then squeezing you to death. In other news, the inside of Rocco’s house looks AMAAAAZING. I would bear a little squeezing-to-death for a chance to live in that house. Call me, Rocco!

First boybander to land on Rocco’s moon.

Since Rocco feels most comfortable in the kitchen he’s wearing an apron at the start of this routine. If that was a ploy to make him look less ridiculous, it failed horribly. He’s still stiff as a board while dancing. For someone who’s all “Italian” and “passionate,” he’s really uptight.

That was ready in five minutes! Yay microwaves!

Bruno says Rocco’s stallion has run out of juice. Sorry, this is my first season watching this show so I have to ask. How self-aware is Bruno? Does he know how ridiculous he sounds? Bruno was looking for “the throbbing, pulsating Latin lover” and I am officially grossed out by his commentary. The rest of the judges say more of the same – Karina choreographed a nice dance, but Rocco didn’t fulfill her vision. Rocco blows.

At least Lance hopes he does.

After the commercials we get their scores – Carrie Ann – 5, Len – 6, Bruno – 5, for a total of 16. Rocco says 16 was his favorite age, so he’s happy. That is sad.

Up next are Lance and Lacey. While they danced well last week, Len did not like their newfangled choreography. Will they take Len’s advice? Obvi no, since Lacey just loves her emo, and they “don’t want to lose [themselves] as performers.” They think the only way to win Len over will be to do the dance perfectly.

OMG, they’re doing a Paso Doblé to “I Kissed a Girl.” LOL on so many levels. Lacey is continuing to prove my fears about her style true, with her hideous pink and red dress. Nice color story. Not. And don’t get me started on the pink hair. Ew, they make out at the end. Seriously, Lacey, he’s gay. Get over him and stop making him kiss you.

Do I smell like frozen pasta? Tell me the truth.

Len doesn’t wait to be asked for his thoughts on their performance. He does NOT like Lacey’s choreography and warns “his little sausage” [WTF?] that he knows her game and she can’t just stick in a few traditional moves and disregard his comments for the rest of the routine. Uh oh, Grandpa’s mad. Bruno thought it thrilling, but wanted the style to be more consistent with the Paso Doble.

Alright you two that’s enough.

Backstage we learn that Lance and Lacey didn’t choose the song, but were given “I Kissed a Girl.” Okay, it was funny, producers, but how the hell was Lacey of all people supposed to choreograph a traditional Paso Doble to that? It’s like dangling a carrot in front of a horse. Judges scores: Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 6, Bruno – 7, for a total of 20.

Next up: Kim Kardashian and Mark doing the Rumba. Tom Bergeron introduces them by saying that though the judges haven’t liked her dancing, all the males on set appreciated her performance because I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Kim Kardashian has a nice ass and lots of men like to look at it.

Kim is awkward and keeps laughing in rehearsals when she’s supposed to be sexy. Mark asks her about her the time she danced with the pussycat dolls, and oh yeah, shouldn’t she know how to be sexy? Oh, excuse me Kim hosted, whatever that means. Right, because she has no discernable talent other than looking pretty and speaking coherently. They go back to the pussycat dolls to give Kim advice on how to be sexy. God, she is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape, how does she not know how to be sexy?

Yikes. If this is sexy, keep what you’ve got, Kim. This girl looks like the end of a burnt match.

So did this week’s field trip help Kim? Um, no. She’s just as stiff as ever. Poor Mark, he’s doing his best to draw attention away from her, but he has to know this will be one of his last dances this season. I will say, her outfit is surprisingly demure and classy considering she’s, you know, Kim Kardashian.

Wow, the sit on the lap move. Way to stretch it.

Bruno says Kim was dead and “more cold and distant than Siberia.” Carrie Ann did not like that effort and recommends Kim go back and watch herself on tape. Just for that, she’s back in the recap. LOL. Seriously Kim, you have a sex tape. We know you are at least a little uninhibited! The scores for Kim and Mark – Carrie Ann – 6, Len – 6, Bruno – 5, for a total of 17. Kim’s lowest scores yet. Sad trombone.

Although to be fair, she looks like a security guard on Rosie’s gay cruise compared to this guy. That couldn’t have helped.

Ugh, how are we only halfway through this episode? Misty May-Treanor and Maks doing the Paso Doble are next. Apparently it will be INTENSE as evidenced by the fact that they are dressed from head-to-toe in black pleather. Stella from this seasons Project Runway would be so proud.

And the creepiest pic of the evening goes to…

While the judges have warned Misty after past performances that she’s attacking too much, she explains that as a [fricken' Olympic-level] athlete, she doesn’t know another way but to attack all the time. In rehearsals, Misty attacks the dance with her usual zeal, but perhaps too much, as she keeps tripping. Maks is unamused and scolds her until she says she wants to cry. But note she doesn’t actually cry. Talk about control! Goddamn Olympians.

And I … felt … nothing….

Aside from Misty’s tendency to hunchback, this dance is really well done. I mean, she’s still not the most graceful dancer, but she gets her job done. Carrie Ann admires Misty’s commitment, especially considering the difficulty of Maks’ choreography. Bruno bursts in with “Is mighty Xena the warrior princess!” Normally I think he’s talking nonsense, but the description is apt here. He goes on to critique her lack of “light and shade” – while she’s good at the aggressive parts, she lacks the finesse that makes it dance. Len thought it was well done, but wants to see more eye contact between the two of them. Misty does tend to stare intensely at the audience. At this point, it’s a game to see how many times I can use the word “intense” in one recap, as that seems to be the word of the day here on DWTS. The judges give them 7′s across the board for a total of 21.

The men on this show need to stop with those brows. Days of Our Lives trademarked that shit.

Up next are Maurice Green and Cheryl doing the Rumba. While Maurice embraced the sexy character right away in rehearsal, she thinks his hips need work. So she wastes rehearsal time by bringing him to a belly-dancing show. He loves it and by the end of their field trip, he’s got the hip movements down.

All it took was a hand job.

NICE WIG Cheryl. She looks pretty and all, but why is the long hair necessary? I mean, we all saw her last week. We all know that’s not her real hair – what’s the point? Their performance is clean, but I’m not seeing a ton of hip action from either of them. All that build-up for nothing!

Skip the half split and bring back the belly dancers. The man can only work with a boner.

Len was disappointed by the lack of hip movement. Me too, after all that talk! He said it wasn’t bad, but lacked finesse. Bruno thought Maurice was rough and clunky, when “a guy like [him]” should know what to do with a woman like Cheryl. Is that what men are supposed to do with women? Swivel their hips at them? Ah, ballroom. Scores: Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 6, Bruno – 6, for a total of 19.

Call me daddy, bitch!

Next up is everyone’s favorite dance train wreck, Cloris Leachman. As yet, Cloris hasn’t been doing much dancing, instead opting to ham it up with the judges. Unfortch for Cloris, this isn’t a comedy competition, and their scores have remained at the bottom of the pack. Corky is laying down the law, saying she has to focus this week and actually try to dance, instead of covering up her horrible performances with outlandish behavior. As much as I LOVE Cloris’ antics, I have to agree, I’d like to see her actually try to dance.

I’m doing this with my Meemaw at the next family wedding.

Cloris and Corky are doing the Paso Doblé, like I said, dressed as William Tell, but curiously, dancing to Ravel’s Bolero. I think this is their best performance yet, but that’s mostly due to Corky’s awesome cape work. Cloris looks slightly more in control of herself this week. I also think that as the music was more serious, there wasn’t room for Cloris to play.

All he did was throw her on the ground like ten times! Get this woman a medic!

Cloris begs the judges to be nice to her. Bruno compares her to Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard – oh, you mean she’s a film star largely forgotten by audiences of the day? Nice “compliment,” Bruno.

You’re about to be like the guy who was dead in the pool.

Cloris’ scores: Carrie Ann – 5, Len – 5, Bruno – 5, for a total of 15. Cloris continues to humiliate Useless backstage, pointing out that the judges scores are totaled for Useless. I have to give Useless credit for holding her own with Cloris’ hamming. Cloris vows to come back next week, even if she gets voted off. Yeah, I’d like to see them try to stop her. Honestly, that would make a great show.

Did that whore just call me witless? Get me my purse. And a bat. And a lighter.

Susan Lucci is going bicoastal for this show, since her real job is based out of New York. Question – why does the Looch put glitter dust on her chest for the interviews? Is she actually secretly me at 13 in 1996 when body glitter was cool?

Now for a game of eating Miley’s lunch.

Ugh Susan and Tony are dancing to that horrible John Mayer song SYTYCD used as well, “Waiting on the World to Change.” I think if anything, you should be changing Mr. John “Douchebag” Mayer. Also, they’ve put Susan Lucci in a hipster headband. Whyyyy? My eyes! This is quite possibly the least sexy Rumba I’ve ever seen. Susan Lucci even unbuttons Tony’s shirt unsexily. Shouldn’t starring in a soap opera have prepared her for unbuttoning shirts, of all things?

Backstage there is one tiny crafts services table and thirty tanning beds.

Carrie Ann felt transported by the dance, i.e., Tony’s chest. Bruno thought it was a very good Rumba. WTF, judges? I was just getting into this because I like how brutal the judges were being and now they back off? However, Bruno thought it was still tentative and would have like to see more “gay abandon.” Should we bring Lance Bass back out? Click here to make my joke complete.

I don’t think there’s abandoning gayness this strong.

After a quick break for commercials we come back to my fave, Warren Sapp, in head-to-toe pleather. It looks like they’re going for a Matrix theme. Or at least I hope it’s that and not goth because goth kids are gross. Remember last week how I feared for Kym’s life? I am really nervous now because he was already throwing her around like a ragdoll, but now add that “intensity” to the mix? She’s going to end up on the roof.

I think I saw this in a Lifetime movie.

They’re dancing to what I would consider traditional Paso Doble music (you know, it sounds like a bullfight! Ay! Ay! Ay!) so I’m not sure why they went with The Matrix theme, but they’re running with it, slo-mo back bend and all. Warren does a nice job with the footwork and doesn’t break into laughter once. They end off the music, but he’s so comically large it’s just amusing.

Holy mother of jumping huge guys. If you aren’t worried for this girl right now you are heartless.

Len liked the darkness, menace and footwork. Carrie Ann looks a fool with her hands in the air for the “Paso Doble killah!” Shut up, Carrie Ann. Even Marlee Matlin knows how stupid you sounded. Bruno was impressed by Warren’s ability to accelerate in time with the music. Everyone loved this performance including my cold, cold heart.

What a tool.

Backstage Useless and Kym banter about Warren’s love of his sequined costumes. Kym says he was “game” but because of her accent I totally heard that Warren Sapp was “gay for the pleather and the sequins.” HA! Scores: Carrie Ann – 8, Len – 8, Bruno – 8, for a total of 24.

Next and last up – Cody and Julianne doing the rumba. Apparently doing the quickstep last week made Cody into a man. I find this plausible, because where I’m from, Jews got Bar Mitzvah-ed, WASPs did cotillion. Cody has trouble with romance, as he’s on TV in America so naturally bimbos just throw themselves at him with little work on his part.

Nope. Never mind.

Dancing to Leona Lewis’s “Keep Bleeding” (because that woman needs more royalties, right?) Cody and Julianne’s Rumba looks the most technically difficult of all the dances we’ve seen tonight. They do it well and are very pleased with themselves after the dance.

Not a wig. His hair is really that stupid.

Bruno rambles about children and candy. Frightening. Kids, do not get in a van with this man, I don’t care how much candy he offers you. Carrie Ann thought it was an “age-appropriate” Rumba with it’s innocence. Dude, he’s bleeding love. That is like the least innocent action ever.

So, guys, how psyched are you for a pussycat doll and Jessica Simpson tomorrow night?? What should I be for Halloween? Is Bruno self-aware? How much longer can Cloris get the elderly vote? How many couples will be in pleather next week?

And now…..Time for a quick pic recap of the results show!

First, Len admits to having a fetish for giant black men.

Then Warren, feeling more confident now that he has an old man half boner on his side, gets overconfident and lands on Kim, killing her dead.

Toni is the first one called out safe.

Time for a big fat greasy burger!

Then Rocco.

And….frozen pasta barf came spewing out.

Then we go to commercial break, but first Misty gives a shout out to all the cholas in the house.

I wouldn’t f with her.

Why do we need a closeup of the Pussycat Doll? She looks like Hedda Lettuce.

That’s a face made for the stage. A dark one.

Newsflash: Jessica Simpson is still fucking horrible.

Kelly Pickler actually sounds like Patsy Cline next to this dodo. Even dead.

Uh, nice dancing. Those shoes don’t match. Jesus. There are like fifty gay guys around you. How does this happen?

Backstage with Useless, Rocco thanks America for our “faith” in him. Dude, you’re hot. You win, ok? It has nothing to do with faith. Then Toni Braxton puts down her slice of pizza and brags about her bikini wax.

The next two safe couples are Cody and Julianne…

You’re like a little baby. I’m gonna eat your head and stay young and fake tanned FOREVAH!!!

…and Brooke and Derrick!

You’re boobies are touching me, dammit.

And now, we get to feel sorry for the busy busy judges because Len and Bruno are also the judges of the London version of the show. We feel sorry for Carrie Anne because no one asked her to come. Aw.

Well it’s certainly not that your personality isn’t sparkling. A hole.

By the time they arrive in London, Len is older and grosser and Bruno, if you can believe it, is even gayer.

The London host is way hotter than Tom. Yeah, I said it.

Bruno compares his work schedule to the life of an Olympian and says it’s tough to remember all of the celebrities.

I think it’s the other way around, Bucca de Pepa.

Guess what? You know how I said Hedda Lettuce should only be allowed to perform on a dark stage? She’s performing on a dark stage! I am totally believing in shaping my own destiny right now.

Much better.

Thankfully, lots of mosquitoes are also being killed during this number. Take that, West Nile Virus!

How many weeks does this last?

Doc: I need you take off your shirt.

Man: You first.

Doc: No you.

Man: You.

Doc: Fine.

Man: You’re hot.

Doc: You are.

Man: My heart is racing.

Doc: I have a prescription here for my penis.

Man: YAY!

Announcer Guy: Plavix.

Country music was harmed tonight but not killed, so Jessica Simpson comes back to stomp on it’s face. She’s doing her best Fergie impression, but it’s not working out for her. Man, she’s really, really, really bad.

I wish I was there to kick that mic down her throat.

Hers too, while I’m at it.

Even Maks’ ass can’t save this tripe.

But I’m glad he tried.

Backstage, Brooke talks about how she’s never danced and she just can’t believe how much everyone loves her. Useless is literally falling all over her.

Ew. Don’t touch me.

The next couple safe are Susan and Tony.

And Susan is so happy that her neck turns into a tree trunk and starts growing limbs and dropping apples all over the stage.

Lance looks really happy for them.

Don’t make me feel like a loser AGAIN America!

Backstage, the stars let Useless know what they think of her…

While Kim reminds us why she’s on this show.

And then we learn that the very not gay Cody is always late to the stage because he’s hanging out in the men’s room for a toe tapping good time.

Rocco’s always texting his mom to make sure she’s making the food that he puts his name all over. Lazy ass moms.

And Cloris is always lap dancing the guys. Slut.

Warren and Kim are safe, and they are followed by Maurice and Cheryl. Damn how long is this?

Yeah no shit.

Lance and Lacy are safe, and thankfully they don’t kiss. Misty and Maks are safe too, and that leaves the two hottest women on this show left. Cloris and Kim. They’ve both got a great rack, but Cloris also has…I don’t know. A spirit. It’s so tense that Corky starts dry humping Cloris and grabbing her boobs. Wow.

Even Kim’s grossed out by that one.

Kim’s out! Aw. Poor thing. She talks about how her dad died and must be really proud of her. Every dad is proud when his internet porn star daughter is kicked off a reality show. Then there’s a big group hug that Cloris gets the hell out of asap.

Enough with the touching. How To Look Good Naked’s on.