Dancing with the Stars: You Started Like a Twinkling Twinkie!

It’s week three, which I can hardly believe. It feels like I’ve been recapping this show FOREVER. Anyways, everyone with internet access and a remote interest in pop culture has heard by now that Misty May-Traenor suffered an injury to her ankle over the weekend. But if you haven’t heard, don’t worry, Tom Bergeron is going to drive that fact into your skull over and over again tonight, complete with slooo-moooo action. I, for one, was terrified that they were going to bring Kim Kardashian back to make the timing work out, but no there’s no bedonkedonk in site, so I think we’re safe.

A giant glowing ass doesn’t get you too far these days.

****Welcome to another recap written by Krank with pics and a pic recap of the results by Flipit! Enjoy.

OMG did you guys hear about Misty?

Susan Lucci is up first and she’s dancing the jive. Looks like the stars are getting snippier this episode. These poor pros have to deal with all these D-list egos. I feel bad for them. Susan Lucci is having trouble with her extension, so naturally they tak a field trip to Radio City Music Hall to see the Rockettes. Oooo! The Rockettes are in their Christmas Spectacularrrr outfits. Standing next to Rockettes really highlights Susan’s frailty. And shortness.

Those outfits need the right lighting to work.

She’s dancing to the old school version of “Why do fools fall in love?” She looks unsure and tentative as usual. No evidence of extension. Her dress is actually not an eyesore and one would think she should get points off for that. She acts the dainty part well, probably because of her osteoporosis. Someone call Sally Field, stat.

Len says she’s been consistent. Consistently snooze-worthy. Bruno liked the look, but thought she looked unsteady. Carrie Ann didn’t notice her injury, but still thought she looked timid. Len and Susan flirt and I’m grossed out.

Keep your tingly nuts to yourself, please.

Useless’ hair is incredibly distracting. Is she at her prom in New Jersey in 1988? Lucci gets straight 7′s for a total of 21, which I AGAIN think is generous for Susan Lucci.

Lance and Lacey are doing the Viennese Waltz. There’s a video montage of Len’s harsh old-man criticism. In an effort to appease Len, Lance and Lacey are trying to go to an old folks home to gauge how traditional their Waltz is. One old lady thinks she could have done it better. I love that lady’s moxie. Another old lady wonders where Cloris Leachman is. Seriously, the elderly are keeping Cloris in this thing. You know how old people love voting.

Other things I’m better at: eating food through straws, pooping my pants, drooling on my shoulder, and oral.

Watching their actual performance I definitely think they benefited from the modern style because this is SO boring. My favorite move was the one where it looked like they were choking each other across the floor.

Lance: I hate you for not dressing like a whore!

Lacy: I hate you for giving up on the donut shop!

They get a standing ovation and Lance gets all emotional. Bruno thinks the “cast of cocoon will be happy here.” HAHAHA. He thought they lacked the freedom they have when they “are themselves” (aka, emo and shit,) but thought this dance was heavy. Carrie Ann thought it fabulous. Len calls them flatfooted and poor postured, but concedes it was their best dance yet. Why does he hate them so?

Tom entices us to tune in tomorrow because Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson will be there. Wait, I thought she had to give that back after her horrible performance in Sex and the City. Seriously, the audience at the movie theater I saw it with laughed out loud at the “St. Louise/Louis Vuitton” earnest exchange.

Lance and Lacey get 8-7-7 for a total of 22. Lance is soooo happy to have finally gotten a 7 from Len. Yeah, yeah, he hates you. Stop playing the victim, Sarah Palin.

But…I learned all the states! Why didn’t Katie ask me about that?

We are treated to more footage from Misty’s injury and Tom says we’ll talk to her for the first time since her accident. You haven’t even called to wish her well, Tom? What an asshole. I’m glad you lost that Emmy.

Commercial commentary – what 3 year old needs a portable DVD player? Or digital camera. People, I don’t even have a digital camera. Also, is it weird I want to go to Walking with Dinosaurs?” Oh wait, that’s what we call the segments with Susan Lucci and Cloris Leachman. Rimshot!

Maurice Greene is next. Last week the judges wanted more finesse from him. In rehearsals, he’s having trouble with the footwork and things are getting tense, so Cheryl takes him to do the tire run. He falls over in the background of her interview which is amaaazing, but he’s an Olympic sprinter, does he really need advice on how to move his feet faster?

Don’t ever let this woman babysit your kids.

They’re dancing to the theme song from Happy Days. He jumps over her head in a nice bit of acrobatics. The routine looks pretty clean to me and they have a really nice energy. My favorite audience member is that woman wooing directly into a microphone.

Why are you wearing my colors? This dress is hard enough to pull off without some tramp trying to steal it’s thunder!





There’s more than one WalMart in town, bitch.

Carrie Ann calls him “a wild, untamed beast.” She thinks he finally looks like a contender. Len thought it had great choreography and was lively. Best dance form them. Bruno thought they rocked and notes they were really fun, while still maintaining precision. The scores for Maurice and Cheryl – 8, 8, 8, for a total of 24. Their best performance by far.

Rocco was one point from the bottom last week with the judges. This week Karina wants to work on Rocco’s musicality. So she puts on goofy music and makes him dance to it. He really lets loose with the techno. Rocco loves raves. From there, he lets go of his shyness and they rehearse his dance with the blindfold.

I smell freezer burn. Were you eating my pasta again?

Their performance starts with him blindfolded. OMG, they’re dancing to “What’s New Pussycat.” I can’t take anything seriously with this going on in the background. Not to mention his shirt ruffles. It looks like a shirt Celine Dion would wear. He does look like he’s having more fun with the dance, even if he still looks like a goof. I think the singer messes up the lyrics at one point. God everyone sucks in this number!

Pass the blindfold.

Len comments with his cat eye glasses on and Carrie Ann cannot keep it together and be professional. Bruno thought he should have kept his blindfold on as he thinks the Waltz “should be a mousse and that was mashed potatoes.” Mmmm mashed potatoes. Bruno goes on to say that while it was entertaining, Rocco’s a bad dancer. Carrie Ann thought Bruno is crazy and calls Rocco the most improved this week. She just has a crush! Ew, bitch, that kitchen’s mine!

Tom points out this is a popularity contest with sequins. So true. Backstage Rocco calls every minute on the dance floor a gift. Return to sender.

Dame Edna’s gonna beat your ass.

Rocco gets 7, 7, 6 for a total of 20, which is way better than I thought he’d do. Apparently, Rocco was in the room when Misty got hurt so of course let’s fill some time asking him about that. Rocco pities her because she looked “so cute.” Yes, I only pity the pretty. Thanks for recapping that she… got hurt, Rocco. Very insightful.

All Len needs is this wig to make his transformation complete.

Up next are Warren Sapp and Kym doing a waltz. Aw, I really wanted to see him jive. He’s having trouble being gentle in rehearsals. Seriously, he’s like Gentle Ben in rehearsal footage. Why do they never go anywhere fun on field trips?

Crack.

Their performance is the cutest ever. He really takes on his characters well. Also, Warren and Kym look like they really enjoy dancing together. It’s all twirly and just lovely. So smooth.

Bruno calls him “Big smooth and beautiful.” He points out that Warren always “gets the dances” and is versatile. Carrie Ann admits to a crush on Warren. She calls him a dream come true. And said the dance was gorgeous. Len didn’t think Warren could pull it of because he is crotchety, but he’s pleasantly surprised.

Scores for Warren – 9, 8, 8, for a total of 25. That’s Warren’s best score yet. He’s super psyched about the 9. Me too! It’s the best thing I’ve seen all week, and I discovered Tina Fey’s Twitter this week, so that’s saying something.

And no, she doesn’t mention Misty.

In case anyone just joined the show, Tom reminds us that Misty injured herself Friday night while training for the show. WHO is just joining the show now? Who doesn’t have DVR, so even if they’re starting to watch an hour late, they can’t just rewind and see that gratuitously slow slo-mo replay of her injury for themselves at the top of the show? Seriously, shut up Tom Bergeron.

Cody Linley, of Hanna Montana fame is up next. So, speaking of Hanna Montana, this week I discovered Miley Cyrus’ “See You Again” and I’m kind of in love with it. She’s my new Kelly Clarkson-esque guilty pleasure. Come on sing it with me, “I s-s-stuttered when you ask me what I’m thinkin’ ’bout… My best friend Leslie said, Oh, she’s just being Kranky.” Also, that beat is good for dancing in a club, and as Samantha from “Sex in the City” opined, first you get the teens, then you get the gays, then you’re mainstream. So I’m getting on her bandwagon now.

He’s just got the gays.

Anyhoo, speaking of gays, Cody and his highlights went on a side trip to Disneyland this week to celebrate Miley’s birthday. She promises to come to a show one day. Yeah, one day when they pay her to perform. Miley doesn’t get out of bed for less that $10,000! Cody is excited to do the jive because now he can spazz around like a 4 year old on a post-Halloween sugar high. Julianne admonishes him to control that energy.

Yes. That energy.

Oh hey, Cody finally got a haircut! Yay no more emo bowl cut! Just like in week’s past, it looks like Julianne choreographed the most technically difficult routine of the evening. Cody is totally reminding me of Benji Schwimmer doing the jive, which is a real compliment for those non-SYTYCD watchers. There’s a nice bit where he spins and simultaneously spins her while on his knees. And then he air-guitars on her legs, but it looks more like he’s nomming on a giant drumstick. And then he air guitars again. Seriously, dance: 10, air guitar: 3. Stop with the air guitar.

Carrie Ann liked the dance, but didn’t like that she could see him counting the steps to himself. Considering he’s, you know, NOT a professional dancer, you’d think she can cut him some slack on that, but no. Len thought the first half was superb, but hated the air guitaring at the end. Bruno and I couldn’t agree more. Also, I need to note that Bruno said Cody “started like a twinkling twinkie!” Because yes, Cody is such a twink.

If the air guitar wasn’t dead, it is now.

Backstage Useless asks Cody if he’s noticed his fan base changing. He answers that he’s had a lot more older ladies coming up to him lately, and Cloris, with her impeccable comic timing, wanders into the shot at just this moment. Don’t ever change, Cloris. Scores: 7′s across the board for a total of 21.

Chicken Hawk

Up next, Toni Antoinette. Last week she lost a point for an “illegal lift” but that so won’t be happening this week thanks to that monstrous dress. How’s that for traditional, Len? Toni calls it the “Vietnamese Waltz” in rehearsals and I thank the lord for stupid people giving me laughs. Toni wants to spice it up the week they have the most traditional dance. Has she heard none of the commentary coming from the judges? Like, at all? She’s hilariously hammy in rehearsal and growing on me, personality-wise.

They’re dancing to a rock ‘n’ roll arrangement of Fur Elyse. Strike one. And I don’t know if it’s the dress or what, but Toni looks more unsure of herself this week than she ever has before. One would think she could easily get a character from that costume, but she just looks stiff and clumsy. Haating this routine. Even the guitar player is messing up. Ugh, live band, you suck.

And now time for the beheading.

Len is back in grumpy old man mode, saying he loved her dances from week one but hated this. Am I turning into an old man? Because I’ve agreed with just about everything he’s said tonight. He tells her she’s a great dancer and doesn’t need the gimmicks. Bruno admires the risk, saying even Sophia Coppola couldn’t get Marie Antoinette. Bruno’s going to wake up with a horse head in his bed tomorrow. Carrie Ann liked it, which just shows her complete lack of taste.

Again. The dress came first.

Scores for Toni – 8, 7, 7, for a total of 22 (the same weight as Toni’s dress!) which is a pretty damn good score considering Bruno and Len appeared to hate it.

Up next, Cloris and Corky. Since the Jive is so physically demanding, Corky is trying to build up her stamina. It doesn’t look like it’s going too well. He asks if she thinks she could do a cartwheel. “Maybe 78 years ago,” She awesomely replies. Corky knows they may not be able to do it technically well, so they have to make up for it in entertainment value. Which apparently means they will hump across the floor. Seriously, eeeeeew.

Sorry. I tooted.

The actual performance seems to consist of Cloris and Corky walking around the stage. He jives a little, but Cloris seems to have given up on technique completely. She also loses her wig, which totally throws her. Ah the non-beauty of live TV… This routine is a total train wreck, though the audience is thrilled. Cloris takes a long curtain call, as she seems to know she’s going soon.

The mo got your Flo!

Aw, Cloris even gets a chair to sit in during the judging. Bruno calls Cloris’ performance “Beyond comprehension,” but in a nice way. Well, in a kind-to-the-elderly way. Carrie Ann is also speechless and glad to see the crazy Cloris back, refusing to comment on technique. Cloris wants to hear what she’s lacking, so Bruno clarifies “Everything.” Ha, harsh.

If you don’t have nightmares after looking at this, you have nerves of steel.

The scores for Cloris – 6, 5, 5, for a total of 16. They point out she’s consistent in her scores. Yeah, consistently bad, but okay, we’ll just leave out that point.

Last up tonight is Brooke Burke. Brooke has been at the top for the past two weeks in a row, so Derek vows to push her tonight. It looks like they’re both getting frustrated in rehearsal because she can’t remember the steps. He accidentally calls her lazy, but what he really meant was that her mind is lazy. Um, not much better, dude. He’s understandably annoyed at having to show her steps over and over again, but she says she just can’t remember. They fight and make up, so that was pretty much non-drama.

Teehee I’m just a girl!

They are waltzing to John Mayer. Seriously, would it kill them to just dance to a normal waltzing song? They’re not even doing a contemporary spin on the dance, why not use some non-John Mayer music? Brooke is lovely and extended as usual. They flow and spin effortlessly, and I really think we can just pack it up now, Brooke Burke is going to win this season. Aw, she kisses her daughter at the end and I honestly tear up. I am a sap.

If the dishes aren’t done by the time I get home, I’m beating you.

Carrie Ann calls her her favorite dancer from all seasons. Len calls it the best dance of the season so far. Bruno says it was dazzling beautiful and calls her a natural. Aw, looks like all is forgiven. Scores for Brooke – 9, 10(!), 9, for a total of 28. Brooke and Derek think their fighting was all worth it. Clearly, for the first 10 of the season.

Hey, have you heard? Misty was injured over the weekend. Now we are FINALLY hearing from her with the details on her injury. She hobbles up to the stage on crutches and they seat her on a stool. Before she can talk, we see the footage of her injury AGAIN, this time complete with a loud pop from her foot. Yikes. Yiiiiikes, she ruptured her Achilles tendon! Ah, that’s the worst!

Hey! Why’s she on crutches?

Can she play volleyball again? I mean, she’s an Olympian and now she’s injured thanks to an absolutely absurd extracurricular. Misty explains that she was planning to take a year off from volleyball to spend time with her husband anyways, so she doesn’t seem too bummed to be out now. After some lip service to Maks, we are done with the Monday night show!

And now for the RESULTS!

After a graphic explanation about how different the DNA of a dancer is from ours…

…the answer is glitter…

…we get a rehash of last night. Misty died. Waaah.

Me too, girl. Me too.

Then Corky gave birth to an 82 year old Facts of Life alum.

Corn! When did I eat corn?

Since Misty died during rehearsal, Maks comes back to do her dance anyway. As a tribute. He is dressed like Urkel and making no effort to show his pecs or butt, so I say this tribute was offensive.

Misty is rolling over in her grave right now.

These two stay in step with each other, but they sound off the music. Who cares? Too much clothing. At the end they both fall down.

Rudest tribute ever.

The first safe couple is Brooke and Derrick, and the second is Cloris and Corky! Who says you need to be able to dance to win this show? Go Cloris! Stand up, old people! If you guys had banded together like this a few years ago Dr Quinn Medicine Woman would still be on the air. Or Murder She Wrote, for that matter. Ah well, it’s nice to see you making an effort now.

Outside, a two ninety nine a plate dinner cruise pulls up and Kool and the Gang gets off! I just wet my pants!

Not cuz I peed. I knocked over my iced tea reaching for the remote.

For some reason, all of the dancers come out dressed like LaLucci. Is it her time to go?

And they are just as all over the place.

Backstage, Cloris makes mincemeat out of Useless, who just stutters over her words and talks way too loud.

Who is this woman and why is she YELLING?

Onstage Tom talks about how he was trying to understand what the f Cloris was talking about but then he got a migraine and stopped listening. Because the host of America’s Funniest Home Videos and Hollywood Squares is used to such deep, stimulating conversation at work. Shut up, Tom! You’re closer to being in her shoes than you know!

Maybe she can borrow one of your giant cue cards one day, hack.

Next up are the Rockettes, who are dressed the same color as their skin and the floor. Dinah Lohan insists that she was a Rockette even though there’s no record of it, so whenever I see them I imagine little Lindsay backstage snorting lines off a stagehands ass while she waits for mommy to get done working.

Way to stand out.

JHud comes out and does a piece from The Vagina Monlogues to prove she deserves her Oscar. Sorry, but I saw Tootie in that show so it can’t count as an acting piece. Good to see you all rich and happy though, girl!

This is the same face she made when she got kicked off Idol!

Meanwhile, Tom has death breath.

There’s a segment about the choreographers, but unfortunately they aren’t wearing glitter or stretch pants so I can’t pay attention.

Dance off!

This is the spot where Misty died.

Dancing is dangerous guys! Montage of dancers getting dropped on their heads.

I’m sorry. No one cares about your bionic eye anymore. Not since Misty.

Back of Mary Magdalene! No, he won’t support you and your children!

Please don’t let her in the ambulance.

You’ll pay for this Tanya Harding! And….heart attack.

Warren and Kym are safe! Toni and Alec are safe!

Woohoooo! I’m goin’ to Carl’s Jr!

Since Misty’s lupus finally got her, no one will be going home tonight. But their crap scores will be added to next week’s crap scores. The loser would have been….Rocco!! LOL. I can’t wait to see him dancing with that insecurity next week. Poor guy. Maybe he’ll as the costumer to degay him a bit next week. If he doesn’t get the boobie vote, he’s screwed. That blouse will not win him that vote.

Anyhoo, thanks for being here! What do you think! Was Dina Lohan a Rockette? Is Cloris Leachman blowing America? Did anyone understand through the shouting what the f JHud’s song is about?