Dancing with the Stars: A Second Chance and No Thanks

Right of the bat this episode, we are treated to the slo-mo footage of Misty breaking her foot. We get it, DWTS, she’s gone. It’s sad. We mourn her. Can we move on now? It’s like they’re trying to make the show seem dangerous and edgy, but it’s not. Gonna. Happen. Frankly, I’m relieved she’s gone because now I don’t need to look up how to spell her last name on a weekly basis.

Oh wah.

***Welcome to another week of DWTS! Krank has recap duty and Flipit is on pics and the results pic recap!

Meanwhile, Rocco was saved by Misty’s injury and the scores and votes from last week are being carried over to this week, so Rocco and Cloris have a lot of work to do to keep themselves on the show.

I seriously cannot get enough of the ballroom costumes. Also, Cloris Leachman can barely make it down the stairs at the top of the show, what is she doing dancing?

Yikes.

First up tonight is Maurice Greene, who had a great jive last week. Poor Cheryl Burke has had quite the week, giving interviews to just about every tabloid about how she isn’t fat. I hadn’t really noticed because Maurice Greene has a habit of wearing these pants with weird curved stripes down the side that always make him look extra hippy. This week they are dancing the “party dance,” the Samba. Maurice’s daughter visits the pair in rehearsals, and I’m sure he loves her and all, but he says he enjoyed her visit with all the enthusiasm of a low-budget infomercial.

Ok great seein ya bye now.

And by “Samba” apparently they meant “Disco.” Both Maurice and Cheryl are sporting afros and dancing to “That’s the Way I Like It.” He’s really loosened up in recent weeks, and while I think the judges will criticize the lack of tradition in the dance (as seems to be their big thing this season,) they do a nice job and look like they’re having fun together.

The fro is thinning on ya, girl.

Oh I was wrong, traditionalist Len liked it, though he wants Maurice to work on refining his movements. Bruno calls them “James and Jackie Brown” and echoes Len’s request for refinement. Carrie Ann is playing the part of the disco ball tonight in her uber-classy silver sequined top. Once a ballroom dancer, always a ballroom dancer. She thinks Maurice has taken a step backwards in terms of technique. Scores for Maurice Greene – 6, 7, 7, for a total of 20 points. Not a great start to the show, but combined with last week, they have a total score of 44 out of 60.

Next up are Cody and Julianne. Last week they did the jive and this week they’ve got the tango. While he could let his ADD run wild last week, this week Julianne is looking for more focus in rehearsals. Of course, he is still spazzing around the room like a 2-year old on pixie sticks. This is what television does to our youth. To get him to focus this week’s rehearsal time-waster comes in the form of Cody’s high school principal. Now he can focus, or whatever.

Hey kid! Don’t suck or you’re gonna have to come back and get an education!

OMG, why is he dressed like a bellhop? Do bellhops tango a lot or something? Perhaps he works in a hotel in Buenos Aires. This looks clumsy and whether he’s tripping or not, it looks like he is. They have a cool spinning move, but he trips that up as well. The routine ends with a cool move from Julianne who has some killer control in her handstands.

Uh, ma’am? I’m just here to drop off your bags.

Bruno liked the routine. He thought he looked masculine and liked the gimmick-free choreography. Carrie Ann also liked the traditional choreography, but noted that Cody was tripping on her dress throughout. Len calls Cody a boy wonder, which is not patronizing at all. Len calls it their best performance thus far. Scores: 7, 8, 8, for a total of 23 and a combined total of 44 – same as Maurice and Cheryl.

Coming up, the stars that made a “lasting impression” last week, i.e., sucked: Toni Braxton and Rocco DiSpirito.

Last week’s Marie Antoinette-themed routine royally pissed Len off (no pun intended.) This week they have the Samba, and Alec wants to try to put some “Samba Rolls” in, which sounds like a delicious competitor to frozen burritos. They’re very difficult, and this is the first time Alec has tried to perform them with a celebrity, but Alec thinks Toni is capable of the movement required.

In performance, they’re actually performing to a Latin song that fits the dance better than usual on this show. They look great in performance, though it still looks like Toni is holding back slightly. But maybe it’s just an especially challenging dance.

Dammit, Toni. You have french fry breath.

Carrie Ann thought they oozed sensuality and gives herself the shivers. Gross. For the fiftieth time since this show began, Carrie Ann asks one of the celebrities to work on their shoulders. Always with the shoulders, that Carrie Ann! Len thinks they have a nice balance between performance and choreography, but noticed that a mistake by Toni messed her up for a few beats. Bruno calls Toni “A tasty morsel, sugar and spice.” Has anyone told him that sexual harassment is frowned upon in the workplace nowadays? I guess not, as he next comments on her “booty.” Scores: 7, 7, 8, for a total of 22 and a combined total of 44, same as Maurice and Cody. Threeway!

Now it’s Cloris’ show for the next 8 minutes. Last week they did a raunchy, ridiculous jive and lost her wig. Cloris wants to try for the real choreography this time, because her scores have been consistently at the bottom of the pack.

It seems that all the couples (at least, so far – I mean, we haven’t seen Lacey yet) have gotten the judges message to lose the gimmicks, and Cloris and Corky are among them. They are dancing to traditional tango music, violin solo and all. The steps, while imperfect, are also the closest to a real dance I’ve seen from the pair yet. It’s actually quite nice, even if it requires him to grab her butt and throw her around. Damn, Cloris is flexible for an old broad! Definitely their best dance yet.

Badonkidonkdonk

Len said it was a performance that had to have been seen to believed. He applauds the acting, but also, the dancing for once. Bruno calls her “the grand duchess in lust.” He makes up some plot of a silent movie to satisfy his fantasies or something. Carrie Ann apologizes for underestimating Cloris. Their scores: 8, 7, 7, for a total of 22, and a combined total of 38. The couple’s highest scores yet.

Next up Rocco, who would have been eliminated had it not been for Misty’s injury, so he has a lot of ground to make up. He vows to make the most of this second chance. Karina is worried that Rocco is so worried about the steps that he’s not having fun, so Karina brings in his mother. She’s actually very fun and lightens the rehearsal room mood considerably, even telling him to “shake what [his] mother gave [him].” Lolz, Mrs. DiSpirito.

Finally! Someone gave this poor woman a night off.

He’s hilariously wearing those giant pink sleeves I (however erroneously) associate with Ricky Ricardo. Dancing to “I Go to Rio,” Rocco looks like he’s having A TON fun, but is no better a dancer than he’s been in past weeks. Rocco pulls Karina’s skirt of in the middle, and I TOTALLY had a Barbie with a skirt like that when I was little. Looking back, that’s kind of a slutty outfit for an 8-year old to be playing with.

Girrrrrl!

Bruno says that Rocco doesn’t have a musical bone in his body in the nicest way possible, if you can imagine that. All the judges, really, have a hard time telling Rocco that despite his exuberance, he totally sucked. The scores: 6, 6, 6, for a total of 18. Wah wah. Rocco tries to guilt trip the viewing audience to vote for him by saying he was dancing for Misty, and would trade places and make her healthy if he could. I’m sure he means it, but I’m still not voting to see his awkward ass again next week.

Next up, Susan Lucci, who did a mediocre Jive last week. Carrie Ann, specifically, called her timid and Susan’s calling bullshit on that. Tony knows she can be decidedly untimid, based on her performance on All My Children so they’re going to bring the drama this week in the form of Erica Kane.

In the middle of the number they will find out he’s her son.

Susan and Tony’s Tango may be dramatic, but she still can’t dance for shit. I think she’s another one without a musical bone in her body. She’s really good at the fake slapping, though.

Carrie Ann “holla!”s Susan. Len thinks it was not a timid dance and calls it her best dance yet. Bruno says she showed her “tough broad” interior. The scores: 8, 8, 8, for a total of 24 (their best yet) and a combined total of 45, putting her in first for now.

Last week Brooke Burke and her partner Derek fought and made up in two minutes of footage and got the first 10 of this season. Will there be such drama again this week? To celebrate and prepare for their Samba, Derek takes Brooke out to see some real Brazilian dancers. Where the hell is this place where women dance around in bikinis? In New York we call it the Hawaiian Tropic Zone.

He’s so eyeing the belt.

Damn, they look good. Brooke had the moves down in rehearsal, so this should be awesome. Seriously, game over. Brooke Burke is sooo winning this season. She looks like a real ballroom dancer! And that did not look easy, either.

Len thought the dance was too erotic. Bruno interrupts him to say he’s crazy, but Len continues that he didn’t like all the story bits but thought the actual dance parts were good. Bruno says “a sex bomb has hit the building.” Seriously, sometimes his compliments sound like insults. Did he just call them roadkill? Oooh, raunchy. I like my version of events better. Scores: 9. 8. 9, for a total of 26 and a combined total of 54.

Your boobies were distracting.

Lance and Lacey are doing the tango this week and are still trying to find the right balance between tradition and “making it their own.” Apparently making it their own this week entails a lot of black eyeliner on Lance and dead eyes from Lacey. She’s all jerky and distracting tonight. I thought the professional was supposed to be the good one in the pair. She’s overcompensating, but for what, I do not know.

Your eye makeup is bringin me down, man.

Bruno liked their quirky tango. Carrie Ann expected more Lance, and thinks he hasn’t shown all he can do in the past, but finally came through tonight. Well the other judges haven’t been the problem, it’s been Len. Carrie Ann gets hilariously insulted when Len compares her to Paula Abdul. Hey, you earned that titled tonight, you dolt. Scores: 9, 8, 9, for a total of 26 and a combined total of 48.

Last up tonight is Warren Sapp. He and Kym are dancing the Samba this week, and Warren is excited to get his party on. In performance, Warren isn’t looking quite as smooth as he has in previous weeks, but I still love him. I’m missing the hip movements, though he’s still surprisingly light on his feet. It just feels slow and not as exuberant as past weeks.

Calm down, Cloris.

Carrie Ann thought they were not as good as last week. She says for him to focus on the dancing and not on the winking, because that’s how he’s getting his scores. Len calls them a joy to watch, but agrees with Carrie Ann’s assessment. Bruno calls him a crows pleaser, but thinks Warren was resting on his laurels this week. Scores: 8, 7, 7 for a total of 22 and a combined total of 47. Cloris wanders into the frame, pleased because she too got 22 points tonight! Yeah, in that context that’s kind of harsh.

So suck it!

And now for a quick rundown of the results show!

After Tom makes fun of Len for getting offended by Brooke’s boobs, Len says that the judges have chosen to see Lacy and Lance again. Not because they were particularly good, but he wanted to see if Lacy will make an effort to not look completely bored off her butt this time.

Nope.

Then, the editors make fun of Cody in a fake political attack ad.

So rude. I love it. Turns out there’s a point to this segment. Cody is getting his own spinoff. It’s the first gay twink Bachelor!

You all get roses!

Scared? So is Tom.

This look doesn’t leave Tom’s face for the rest of the night.

Backstage, Samantha earns her name while putting me to sleep. Again.

Useless.

The Gay Twink Bachelor contestants come out and do a dance that involves acting butch while they do their best to show off their waxed chests as many times as possible. Flamenco. Sweet! This is actually a great number.

Especially this part. You’re welcome.

Then they get cut off mid dance for more recap clips! Booooo! Right when the pants were about to come off. Seriously, producers. FAIL.

This is just unfair.

Backstage, someone tells Lance that Britney had a comeback this week.

I never stopped believing, Brit!

Susan and Tony are the first safe couple, and they are followed by Lance and Lacy. The first couple in the bottom two is Rocco and Karina. Oh Rocco, you need the woman vote. That shirt was just wrong. It did you in.

Next, the editors make fun of Brooke.

Next up is the kids ballroom competition. Something tells me this kid won’t be in it.

Back from break, another political attack ad against Maurice, who laughs too much. I hope Useless gets one of these that shows her getting coke cans thrown at her head with the slogan “We Need to Stop Useless Spending…Er…Spending on Useless.”

Time for the kids comp!! OK the kids are adorable. The first pair have known each other all their lives and are kinda in love. They do the chacha and kick ass.

I want one!

Len was offended by the little girl’s boobies, Bruno says she’s hotter than Jessica Alba, and Carrie Anne calls the girl, who designed her own outfit, Fierce. I agree. This kid could have won Project Runway this season. Sorry. I can’t let it go.

The next couple is just as adorable. The girl starts with a Cloris impression, and the boy pretends he’s Bruno and plugs his nose.

The boy is obsessed with dancing…and hockey. Did I mention they’re from Staten Island?

He’s so getting his ass kicked in high school.

They do a great job, but only get a half a standing ovation. Adults are ass bags sometimes.

So that’s what they’re calling it these days.

The Staten Islanders win and beg not to be sent back to Staten Island. Sorry, suckas!

And then a slapping fight ensues. No one wins when four kids are all bloody, k?

Next, Neo sings for us. ChickBomb insists her friend is dating him. JMo insists he’s a mo. I can’t tell and don’t care.

I like him either way because he is an advocate for junk in the trunk. Long live Neo!

Next, Toni talks about politics, and I think she’s got this election down.

The next dirty political ad is about what a nasty whore Susan Lucci is.

And that’s why we love you. Got my vote.

Brooke and Derick are the next safe couple. They are followed by Cody and Julianne, Toni and Alec, and Warren and Kim. Maurice and Cheryl are safe too, leaving Cloris and Corky are in the bottom two. Then Cloris faints.

The next political ad is against Warren, who is accused of wearing a fat suit.

Randy Jackson!

Never mind. I don’t want one after all.

Corky dry humps Cloris as they wait for results, and I feel like spewing up whatever the above baby is eating.

And…….vomit.

Rocco’s out! AWWWW! He asks Bruno to show him how to move his hips before he goes. Just when I thought nothing could top Corky dry humping Cloris. I am officially not hungry. Thanks, DWTS!

We’ll see you next week!