Dancing with the Stars: Mark Your Calendars, Today is the Day Hip-Hop Died

Last week Toni Braxton was eliminated. Tom Bergeron claims that it’s a reminder that one bad dance can mean the end, but I think it serves as a reminder that America is stupid and despite what I read on HowIsObamaDoing.com, I will remain anxious until next Wednesday. I mean, I understand Cloris Leachman’s entertainment appeal, but Susan Lucci is just plain bad at dancing and she’s not even funny! Come on, America!

For the record, Flipit did not write the above paragraph. Love you Cloris! And keep your grubby hands off my quarter of a million a year, Obie!

***As usual, Krank is on recap duty and Flipit is doing pics, captions, and the pic recap of the results! Enjoy!

This week, we are finally going to get to see this hip-hop group routine. Uggh, no. God, the pros could barely handle the Lindy Hop. This hip-hop routine is going to be a disaster.

Hey, who’s that placeholder old man? Will I be able to understand the words coming out of his mouth? Let’s get this show started so I can find out. OMG I didn’t recognize him, but it’s the Lord of the Dance himself, Michael Flatley, heretofore known as TLOTD. And he’s holding hands with Bruno! This is going to be ridiculous! I tried to find an especially preposterous clip from the Lord of the Dance, but really, they’re all comedic gold. Especially this one, to cool jazz.

Did you know his shows have grossed over $1 billion, world wide? That fact kind of makes me want to kill myself. That billion dollars has earned him the title of The Most Successful Dancer Ever. Artful? That’s another question.

First up tonight is Maurice Greene, who did well last week despite some contentious rehearsal time. This week, they’ve got another boring ballroom dance – the Viennese Waltz. Last time they had a boring style (week 1 – Fox Trot), they got a score of 18, so they’re nervous about pulling this one off. Cheryl wears the same thing in rehearsal week after week. I wonder if it’s starting to smell.

Yikes. Put your arm down.

In performance, Maurice Greene looks completely hairless. It’s freaking me out, man. Makeup people, I know he wants to look smooth, but I don’t think that’s what he meant. Maurice doesn’t look like he’s having as much fun as last week, but they flow and the dance is lovely. My favorite part was when he dragged her across the floor by her hair. That’s what the Viennese Waltz is all about, right?

Your tea’s ready.

As we turn to the judges, Tom Bergeron is bummed that he can’t do old-guy jokes tonight. Me too, Tom. Me too. TLOTD was amazed to see the fastest man in the world do a slow and elegant dance. Are we amazed to see you with a shirt on? No! Stop pigeonholing people, TLOTD! Carrie Ann thought the dance sweet and especially noticed his improved posture, but thinks the pair lack chemistry. Bruno tells Maurice that the dance calls for “the sweep and the grace” like a surfer on the crest of the wave, but thought Maurice looked like a surfer on dry land. This is actually kind of an apt analogy as he continues that the moves were there, but they weren’t linked correctly. Scores for Maurice: 7, 7, 7, for a total of 21. Well that’s better than 18!

Next up, are Lance and Lacey. In previous weeks they had been much improved and even made it to the top of the scoreboard once, but last week, they literally fell to the bottom. This week L&L are rehearsing in Florida, where *NSync used to rehearse and the pair sit on a porch swing and have a therapy session about how Lance still can’t get over the fact that he was the worst dancer in *NSync. Inspirational music plays in the background as Lacey pretends to listen, but we all know she’s just thinking about what color her hair extensions will be this week. In rehearsal, the pair are paid a very special visit by Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick. Joey gives him some dancing advice, and Lance is reassured by the “man to man” session. I bet! Cause he’s gay! Get it? And seriously? Lance was worse than Chris? I’m pretty sure Chris was the worst at everything in *NSync, but most of all at hair.

Don’t be surprised if Lacy asks you to borrow this do tonight. She’s running out of ideas.

In performance, doing their Jive to “Tutti Frutti” Lance has the whole intro to shine. And shine he does. Joey’s advice to let the Lance sparkle come through proves to pay off. Lance has all the steps down and looks like he’s having a blast. No problem with the heel slide this week and all their transitions work. Very nice!

Holy crap, is Anna Faris in the audience this week? She is my absolute favorite, thanks to the first 10 minutes of Smiley Face. A real must see. Just the first 10 minutes though. The rest is just anxiety inducing.

Like the results show on DWTS!

To the judges. Bruno says Lance is back on target saying he was “gleaming with confidence”‘ and “that’s the way to take on the stage and sell yourself.” If anyone would know, it would be Bruno. How do you think he knows all those vaguely sexual phrases? TLOTD doesn’t want to hear another word about lack of confidence from Lance. You and me both, TLOTD. Carrie Ann gives the old woo hoo! She thinks Len would be proud, wherever he is. Tom has to remind her he’s not dead. That’s going to be awkward next week! Scores from the judges: 9, 9, 9, for a total of 27! Not quite as good as Joey’s 30 for his Jive. Looks like Lance is still the worst dancer in *NSync (except maybe Chris.)

Rot in hell, Len! Wooohoooooo!

Oh noes! Brooke Burke injured her foot! Way to copy the Looch. Speaking of the Looch, she’s been braving through an injury for the past couple weeks. How will she fare this week? Probably fine, because she hasn’t been kicked off yet for her mediocre performances! I don’t know why Susan Lucci is my villain on this show, she just is.

Last week Carrie Ann commented that it seemed that the Looch danced within a box, so of course this week she’s all about being “outside the box.” My favorite phrase, NOT! Some dramatic soap opera-y music plays as the Looch and Tony walk into rehearsal intensely. Susan claims her problem is she can’t let go. To get out of the box. So they go to a Mambo club. She calls the atmosphere infectious, but she hardly looks like she’s caught the out of the box bug.

Why you so skerd, big boy?

In performance, it’s standard tentative Looch. She can move around the floor, but she still looks so delicate and dainty. Tony is good at matching her dainty style, but still, the difference between their skill level is palpable. Geez, he even has to lift her off the floor.

Robot Love

Carrie Ann thinks Susan broke the box. Why are they being so easy on her? WHY? WILL ANYONE ANSWER MY QUESTIONS? Bruno says he can “see the devil the Susan Lucci skin,” but the timing was off. Carrie Ann disagrees and Bruno calls bullshit on Ms. Technique. THANK YOU, BRUNO. TLOTD comments that Bruno and Carrie Ann should be married and Bruno clutches his hand, scandalized at the suggestion. Scores for the Looch: 8, 8, 7, for a total of 23.

Next up, Brooke Burke, whose injury kept her out of rehearsal for a day this week. It’s unclear what, exactly happened, but her right foot was sore after their Jitterbug performance, and it only got worse in the following days. You know it’s serious ’cause we see footage in black and white. Clearly not as serious as sepia, reserved only for a Misty-level, season ending injury. Among Brooke’s treatments is “light laser.” That sounds like a load of crap for an orthopedic injury, but what do I know, I’m not a doctor. The actual doctor recommends 7 days of rest, but clearly that’s not going to happen. REHEARSAL DRAMA!

Score!

How will they fare in performance? Dancing the Rumba, Brooke looks great. Good thing they didn’t get another upbeat dance this week. But the foot injury didn’t effect her extension or musicality, so she should maintain a top spot, though maybe not the very top. I mean, she can do a backbend! How can Cloris or the Looch compete with that?

TLOTD says Brooke took his breath away, and that she became the dance. You know, considering he’s dance’s Lord, I think he can actual make that happen, turn someone into a dance. Carrie Ann thought it wasn’t Brooke’s dance. She acknowledges that Brooke still had the musicality, but Carrie Ann could see the pain in Brooke’s body. But it was certainly better than Susan Lucci! If Carrie Ann gives her lower than an 8, I’m going to hunt her down and punch Carrie Ann in the face. Bruno agrees that it wasn’t Brooke’s best dance, considering what they know she can do. Scores for Brooke: 8, 10, 8. TLOTD is just macking on the ladies tonight.

You are the Roger Rabbit. Marry me.

Up next is Cloris. Tom reminds us that Cloris’ strong suit is not her dancing. She was entertaining enough last week to have avoided the bottom two! This week they’re performing a “vintage” Cha Cha, whatever the hell that means. Cloris is screwing around in rehearsal and really just wants to take a nap. I hear ya, sister. Corky gets fed up, so he brings in George, who has known Cloris since 1953. He was her “once-upon-a-time husband” so I don’t understand why Corky thought Cloris would listen to George any more than she does him.

I booked Young Frankenstein and paid my mortgage. Mission accomplished. Goodnight.

In performance, Halloween has come early and Corky is going as Dick Tracy. I would say that makes Cloris Breathless, but she can’t match Madonna’s moves. Cloris spends the first minute of the dance sitting down, before standing up and dancing a good beat behind Corky. The song is slow and the pair are lacking their usual entertainment value. This can’t bode well for Cloris. Aw, if they had pulled off that lift/spin thing, it might have been awesome, but she set up for a move too early. Well she lived through it at least!

Noooo! I pressed the snoooooze!

Bruno says Cloris is the only person in the world who could “sell such nonsense as a Cha Cha Cha.” Lol, Cloris is a horrible dancer. TLOTD calls her a legend and inspiration to older people. He’s also under strict orders not to say anything bad about Cloris from his father, I guess, the King of the Dance. Carrie Ann is over Cloris and is all, “Yeah, you’re old and funny and an inspiration blah, blah, blah.” She’s over it cause Carrie Ann totally had a girl-crush on Toni Braxton. Scores for Cloris: 5, 5, 5, for a total of 15. Oouch!

Last week Cody and Julianne earned their first 10 of the season and came in one point behind Brooke and Derek. They’re determined to beat them one of these weeks, but it looks like it might not be this week as Julianne is struggling through some sort of illness. Cody’s all worried about his hips in rehearsal, and while I applaud him for wanting to get the hip movements right, it’s still funny to hear a boy ask if his butt is sticking out too much. Am I right, ladies? To get into character, Cody gets a spray tan and paints his hair black. He acts like the spray tan is something new and foreign, but you know he’s a regular on Sunset Tan. Cody loves the Olly girls.

I’m sorry but I can’t have your baby. You’re like, ten.

Thankfully, neither the moustache, nor the ruffled sleeves make it into the final performance by Cody. He keeps his Latin intensity though. Whoa, and he works his hips. At least in the first run. And he’s got the chest shake down too. He looks a little goofy at points, but hey, he’s committing. I think he does better a the non-Latin, cartoony dances because he’s Just. So. White.

Carrie Ann thought it was the most intense Samba she’s ever seen. She likes that he’s going for technique and thinks he’s improving. Bruno disagrees and thought he was too intense – calling it a Paso. Bruno wanted more “Juberance.” I want that to be a real word. TLOTD thinks Cody has everything it takes to be a great dancer, but didn’t think tonight was his best dance. Backstage we find out that Julianne has to have her appendix removed after this show. Jesus. These pros are fricken workhorses. Don’t they have a union? Can’t she get an understudy? Oh yes, Edyta is going to come back to dance with Cody until Julianne can come back. Scores for Cody: 8, 8, 7, for a total of 23.

Ouch. Not too hard.

Alright knock it off you two. The country’s uncomfortable.

Last, but certainly not least, Warren Sapp and Kym are rehearsing the Rumba. Since Brooke is also doing the Rumba and can out-sex anyone, Kym wants to bring a storyline to their dance to top Brooke. With Brooke’s injury, Warren “smells blood in the water,” and he’s going for it.

OK you win. Don’t hurt me.

In performance, Warren looks smooth and sways his hips with the best of them. I love how committed he is to his dances week after week. His faces are the best ever. I’m just afraid that tiny piece of fabric Kym calls a dress is going to fall off at some point in this routine.

Whoever took Rocco’s mom’s seat at the side of stage is getting quite a show right about now.

TLOTD thought it was a very entertaining routine, though he wanted more dancing. Can you haul a woman around the dance floor with the ease of Warren Sapp, TLOTD? I don’t think so. Though he does love the sensitivity displayed by Warren. Carrie Ann thought the routine was very sexy and Tom totally calls Carrie Ann out for flirting with him. Lay off, man. I wouldn’t be able to resist! Bruno compliments Warren’s ability to nail the character every time. He and Carrie Ann both noticed a few mistakes in the footwork however. The judges are tough tonight! Scores for Warren: 8, 9, 8, for a total of 25.

And now, it is time for the group routine. I’m really glad Cloris made it this far, so we can see her attempt “old school hip-hop.” All the stars and pros are very excited to have some fun, all together. Their choreographer is named Shotyme. Someone might want to tell him his name is misspelled. Badly. Cheryl’s excited because he’s worked with Mary J. Blige. Um, is she particularly known for her dancing skillz? Cloris doesn’t know about hip hop, but really enjoys the burritos on set. Also, naps on the mat.

And finally, the part you’ve all been waiting for – the group hip-hop routine. No scores from the judges, it’s just for us to judge, mercilessly. OF COURSE, Cody beatboxes. Because only annoying white boys can really appropriately beatbox. Lol, Cloris is relegated to dancing up with the band so she doesn’t screw up this group number. I wonder if Cody and Lacey Schwimmer are close, because he makes the exact same nerd face that Benji Schwimmer made everytime he had to dance hip hop on SYTYCD. Maybe he reminds her of home and always being second best or something. Why is there not more Warren Sapp in this routine? He is clearly the best thing about this show and should always be front and center, IMO. I mean, Susan Lucci is just LOST. And Brooke Burke could not be more over this routine. Thanks for the enthusiasm Brooke! OMG I’m only just noticing Lance’s mullet. Classic.

The music was too loud to hear her cursing out Carrie Anne, but you know that’s what she was doing.

White people across this great country are bowing their heads in shame right now.

Way to break out your box, Looch.

Mom jorts are all the rage in hip hop.

And now, for the results show!

TLOTD starts out the show trying to flirt not so subtly with Brooke, who tries to ignore him.

You are the running man, I am the mashed potato. Let’s make hand jive.

Lalalala I see nothing.

Then, Cody spits into a mic…

He makes Blake Lewis look like a proud talented black man.

… and everyone does the same embarrassing hip hop number from last night. I’m really glad this is an hour. They really need it. Very meaty.

Although you can never have too much of the Looch doing hip hop. LOVE. IT.

I Am Sam: The Hip Hop Musical

Lance and Lacey are the first couple safe.

I credit the mullet.

They are followed by Cody, who is single today after kicking poor Julianne in the appendix. And now, the kids competition! Sweet!

Craig and Samantha from Jersey are first, and I think they will win because Craig has Obama ears, and the media is in the tank for him.

I will give every family a million dollars, a free mortgage, and a slip n’ slide if you let me win.

Their little sister was on DWTS last season and when asked for advice, she tells the brother to keep his stupid mouth shut and the sister to stay away from Len.

He’s a dangerous man!

I already wish it was her on the show instead of them. Until, that is, they talk about how when they get in a fight it shows in their dancing. Then Craig drops Samantha on her face.

LOL

These two are pretty amazing. The singer is whiny and off key the whole time, which is distracting, but the little girl rips up the floor.

Cody! Found you a new partner!

The judges are all nice, and thankfully Flatley doesn’t flirt. No one told Carrie Anne that Len wasn’t dead.

God rest your soul, looza!

Simon and Lucy are next. Odd kids. Simon looks like a girl and Lucy looks like a boy.

Vote No on Prop 8

Simon didn’t want to dance but his mom bribed him. Now that he knows he’ll be the prettiest one in the room, he gives her her money back.

Keep the change, toots.

No one at school knows that Simon dances and asks us to keep it a secret. Uh oh. He’s gonna be hanging next to the Sarah Palin mannequin in WeHo by the weekend.

Most fabulous closet ever.

The little girl from the last couple needs to dump her kid for this one, and vice versa. It’s hard, but that’s making the perfect couple, kids! Ah, if only they could do that on air.

You have shamed your parents and your country. But thanks for entering.

One of the Pussycat Dolls tells us to come back after break because they have choreographed a new number just for DWTS! Gee, I wonder if it involves acting like total whores.

Tom brings out Blohan and fires her just for our fun. Thanks, Tom!

Craig and Samantha win! Thank god. Now that that’s out of the way it’s time for Missy Elliot and the Slut Parade! HOLLA!

What original, brand new and exciting moves, girls!

Didn’t see that one comin’.

I love that the lead singer can’t even lip sync. This shit kills me. Finally, some Missy.

You can thank Cloris for opening the door on cursing. Did she just say pu**y?

That song sucked. And I am completely shocked by that. Backstage, Useless asks Cody if he’s ok with having to dance with Edyta next week. He is visibly nervous and it’s cute. And really really dorky.

TLOTD is next.

Woah, Pig Pen. Take a breather.

Finally, we get to see what we’ve all been waiting to see for years. Flatley set on fire.

See? Sometimes dreams really do come true!

And now, for the montage of pain. A Marine tells us how dancing is like being at war. You have to train really hard, you have to wear things other people tell you to wear, and your hair has to be really, really hideous.

Well done, sir. Well done.

Then some shrink tells us that you have to be strong physically, mentally, and you have to be ready to fend off dirty old men like Len, who can traumatize you if you let him.

Kim Kardashian hasn’t left my couch.

Sorry. Can’t. Who’s going home already?

I tried that last time I got fired. I still got fired.

Oh, man! Cloris! She was such an amazing dancer! Ok that’s not true, but I was really glad she got on this show because she will be back where she belongs again, performing. In things that don’t require movement. The View ladies said she’s gonna be back on Broadway in Young Frankenstein and then hit the road with a one woman show. Atta girl!

I love her even more when she gives Carrie Anne some parting words on her way out and then sits on the floor while Useless talks because listening to that drivel is just so draining.

You better hope you’ve got teflon under that cheap dress, bitch, cuz I’m gonna cap your ass in the parking lot.

RIP Clo!