Dancing with the Stars: “That Was Brutal to Watch”

Last week, Cloris was finally eliminated. Now that we’re getting towards the end, this should be mostly good dancing, right? Well, with Cloris gone, the general dancing IQ of the “stars” has gone up like 70 points. I’m looking forward to tonight’s show.Also, tonight we will see two team dances. It’s like a group number, but the pairs are split into two teams. There’s all sorts of rehearsal drama footage the producers are trying to build up like the pairs are having drama in the group rehearsal, but you know no one gives a crap about the group numbers. The judges don’t even score them! Susan Lucci just wandered all over the stage in the hip-hop number. Group numbers are a joke. Unless it’s all pros, and then they kind of rul.e

As mentioned last week, Julianne is having surgery this week, so Edyyta will be dancing with Cody. I bet Julianne is really happy not to be dealing with the humping puppy that is Cody Linley for a week.

Oh shit, I take back my comments about the “team” number – the judges will be scoring them, and that score will be added to their individual scores. Betches changed the game on me.

Up first tonight – Warren Sapp. Last week, Warren played the part well, but missed a step or two. This week they’re focusing on the character as usual, but also the technique for their Foxtrot. Warren finally gets a field trip… to the studio next door! To see a man do the Foxtrot, because Kym can’t show him everything. Warren calls the Foxtrot “a beautiful thing” – hee. Basically, Warren and Kym are getting a lesson from this Nick guy. I like Kym. Her rehearsal field trips are actually useful instead of time wasting.

Warren has the steps, but I’m not sure he’ll ever have the kind of grace needed for the Foxtrot. Like, he’s into it, but you need to be channeling Gene Kelly for this kind of number, and I don’t think Warren can ever be truly light on his feet.

Cranky Len is back. He didn’t think this was their best dance, but he liked Kym’s spin on the dance, which allowed their personalities to come out. Chewbacca is in the audience and does not appreciate Len’s comments. Bruno has wrapped Kym’s boa around one shoulder and it matches his pink tie perfectly. He throws out an “I am what I am,” and wow, he’s channeling La Cage aux Folles. Bruno thought they sucked, basically. He wants better technique and the kind of ease of movement Warren had at the beginning of the season. Oh no! Is my fave heading towards an early end? Carrie Ann scolds Warren and calls him out in front of the class to answer why he’s not behaving like his usual self. He blames it on the shoes and they get out of there fast. Scores for Warren: 7, 7, 7, for a total of 21.

This week, the Looch is coming off of one of her best weeks ever, score-wise (I think she still blew at the actual dancing.) However, without a bottom two last week, she doesn’t feel safe. This week, they’re tackling the Paso Doble and fighting all over the place in rehearsal. Basically, she’s pissed that he doesn’t sugarcoat his criticism. Buck up, Looch!

In performance, it’s the same old timid, tottering dance from the Looch. Also her hair is GIGANTIC this week. I think it weighs more than she does. No wonder she looks like she’s going to fall over all the time – she’s incredibly top-heavy. I get it now. Oh bless her heart, she’s trying to be powerful. Also, that final pose where she’s upside down? Terrifying. Upside down you really see how plastic the Looch is.

Bruno liked it. INEXPLICABLY! He thinks she can “ride that bull up and down with pride.” I don’t want to know what he means by that. Carrie Ann calls the Looch up to the teacher’s desk and asks her to turn around and shout to the audience with poor grammar, “I am doing good!” Len thought it was one of her best dances. Scores for the Looch: 8, 8, 8, for a total of 24. I’m sorry, but she was not better than Warren by three points.

Maurice and Cheryl were in the bottom two points-wise last week. He’s horribly frustrated in rehearsal, punching his hands and everything! Grr! Cheryl talks him down, assuring him it’s okay to make mistakes in rehearsal, that’s what practice is for. Ooh, actual team rehearsal drama too, when Maurice hyper-extends his leg. He’s limping and sad and Cheryl’s freaked out, but ultimately, he’s ready to fight through the pain.

In performance, he looks fine. Most importantly, he looks happier, but also, there’s tons of footwork in this routine and he looks great on all of it. So cute! It’s perfectly upbeat, and seriously, I can’t find anything to criticize. Except their outfits, you can always criticize ballroom outfits.

Carrie Ann says the smooth Maurice is back! She thought it was the perfect mix of “form and freedom.” Len backhand compliments that they were bright and sparkly, “like cheap jewelry” because it wasn’t always top quality. Uh, thanks? Asshole? But he did think it was Maurice’s best dance. “Happy days are here again for Mauice!” Declares Bruno. Scores for Maurice: 8, 9, 8, for a total of 25. They were definitely more than one point better than the Looch. Ridic.

Last week Cody continued to cruise through this competition, though now rattled by the loss of his partner. Julianne is off getter her appendix removed or something, so Cody has been reassigned to Edyta. They have to do the Viennese Waltz this week, so Edyta thinks they need to find a connection fast. Cody’s eyebrows are all, “Schwing!” They pay a visit to a recuperating Julianne. She advises Edyta to give Cody a character, because he’s best at pretending. Their rehearsals seem to go very smoothly. Sometimes I feel bad about making fun of Cody, because he actually seems like a very amenable guy.

They’re waltzing to “To Love a Woman.” CHEESE. Seriously, this song is so cheesy, I cannot focus on the dance in front of me. It’s a cute dance, they do it well, but mostly, I find Cody’s faces to be hilarious. Especially in their final pose.

They’re pretty elated, but how do the judges feel? Len thought the pair looked comfortable together, but uncomfortable with the waltz. Len wanted more lyrical grace. Bruno calls Cody “a fledgling bird, stretching its wings, but not quite able to take off.” Sometimes Bruno is a poet. He goes on to call Cody clumsy. Carrie Ann thought it was great and likes his attention to his arms. Scores for Cody: 8, 7, 7, for a total of 22. Wow, harsh scores this week.

Last week, Lance finally made it to the top of the leader board. Of course, Lacey must self-destruct this week. She claims they’re dancing barefoot because the Rumba is a “grounded, earthy dance,” but you know she just wants to be “different.” Lance broke his toe last week, so dancing barefoot is hurting him. Lacey’s a big baby about it and refuses to reconceive their dance shod. Dude, he’s injured. Whoa, leave the fits to the stars, diva.

In performance, they are sitting on a bench. Necessary? Really? Do you really want to add that touch of realism and set a place? Especially when you’re dressed like a mermaid, Lacey? Really? Also, to a John Mayer son? I’ve already found three strikes and we’re two seconds into their performance. Lance looks great – no pain, even barefoot, but Lacey’s sack dress is distracting. She looks like a big baked potato spinning around up there.

Bruno thinks “‘barefoot in the park’ has never looked so seductive and romantic.” He thought it inspired and refreshing. Carrie Ann felt the same as I did about the barefoot thing, but thought it ended up paying off for Lacey. Len didn’t get it. He totally rails against barefooted dancing, pointing out all the technical dance reasons why they should wear shoes. Seriously, he’s railing. I think he’s going to pull something. Scores from the judges: 9, 7, 9, for a total of 25.

Last week’s Rumba was not Brooke and Derek’s best performance, but they know they’re pretty awesome, so their strategy this week is just to dance well and reclaim their spot at the top. They’ve been assigned the Foxtrot this week, and Derek thinks the fluid style is perfectly suited for Brooke. In rehearsal, he’s really pleased with her, saying there were points he thought he was dancing with a professional.

In performance, the pair are classy and smooth. Their positioning is nice, but it’s really very slow. It’s not the most exciting dance, but nice too look at.

Carrie Ann was completely wowed. She loved the lines and agrees that Brooke is getting on par with the pros. Len thought it truly fantastic. Bruno says it was a “gobsmacking beautiful performance from start to finish!” Scores for Brooke: 10, 10, 10, for a total of 30. The best part of this shot are all the other stars and pros looking on jealously in the background.

Hilariously, two stars (the Looch and Warren) were named team captains and got to pick their teams. The Looch got Cody and Edyta and Lance and Lacey (definitely the second pick team.) Warren, meanwhile, got Brooke and Derek and Maurice and Cheryl.

Up first tonight – team Cha Cha – who are all entertainers, so they are going to play up to that strength. Yeah, they can’t just go with straight skill because they’ve got the Looch. The stars recognize that they can’t slack on this like they did in the hip-hop routine, since this will actually be scored. Apparently there will be group and solo elements, but they will be scored as a team. Susan is the weak link, clearly. The other teams watch menacingly as the Looch rehearses alone.

Is Cody chewing gum in performance? Major no-no. Also, the whole beginning is such a mess that I’m wondering if they’re even supposed to be together. When the pairs are featured alone, Cody and Edyta look very nice. Susan and Tony are timid and fragile, as ush. Lance and Lacey look good, though Lance isn’t given a ton to do. You can see in the Looch’s eyes that she has no idea what she’s supposed to be doing. Though I do feel bad she’s the sole female “star” so she’s being compared to two pros.

Len acknowledges the difficulty of their task and thought they did a nice job, singling out Lance and Lacey for special praise. Bruno thought it was teetering on disaster, saved only by Lance and Lacey. I didn’t think Cody and Edyta were terrible. Maybe they’re just making up for Len’s rant earlier. Carrie Ann tells it like it is, saying their unison was awful and I quote, “That was brutal to watch.” AWESOME. Scores for Team Cha Cha: 6, 7, 7, for a total of 20. Ouch.

On Team Paso Doblé, Maurice and Cheryl are the only ones who haven’t done the Paso before. They all work well together, offering advice as needed. Everyone’s pumped, and at the final rehearsal, Warren takes it upon himself as team leader to offer a pep talk, “Cha Cha what?”

In performance, the unison isn’t perfect, but it’s certainly much better than Team Cha Cha’s. Kym looks absolutely crazed. I love it! Warren and Kym’s solo makes up for their performance earlier. Maurice and Cheryl look good, considering they haven’t done the Paso before. This performance has been so good so far, that I hadn’t noticed the country music. Derek and Brooke come in and fucking knock it out of the park as usual. Ridic. Team Paso Doble rules! The audience goes crazy.

Even Tom Bergeron is swayed, calling them incredible. Bruno rambles incomprehensibly for a bit, so you know he loved it. Carrie Ann praised their team work and individual performances, calling it a “magical mish mosh.” Len doesn’t have the vapors quite like the other two, saying it’s easier to keep time in a marching dance than a Latin dance. He thought they did a fantastic job, but is just pointing out that they had the easier dance. Because he’s crotchety. Scores: 10, 9, 10, for a total of 29. They wiped the floor with the other team.

Unsurprisingly, Brooke and Derek are at the top of the leaderboard, with a near-perfect 59/60. Surprisingly, Cody and Edyta are in the bottom with 42/60.