Dancing With the Stars: Solo-tary Confinement

Ding dong the Looch is gone! As I’m sure you can imagine, I’m thrilled. Everyone left is pretty good, huh? This should be an awesome show! Everyone has to do two dances ’cause things are getting INTENSE! While it’s basically Brooke’s trophy to lose, I think one bad week could knock her off at this point. Really though, I’m just saying that to add drama. Brooke Burke, FTW.

Julianne usually starts rehearsal by rubbing my belly and telling me how talented and charming I am, so let’s begin there, k, toots?

***As usual, Krank will be doing the recap and Flipit will be doing the screengrabs/captions and the results show pic recap! Welcome back!

Woo two weeks until the finale! Tonight the two dances will be in two rounds: Ballroom, then Latin. Also, the stars have to perform a 15-second solo during their Latin dance. The Looch got out just in time.

Darn. I was really looking forward to a couple more minutes of this.

Up first tonight, Cody Linley, who was inexplicably at the bottom of the leaderboard last week. He’s still paired with Edyta as Julianne recuperates from surgery. He’s all bummed in rehearsal, calling it “not cool.” So very Jennifer Anniston of him. To help the bummed-out Cody, a bunch of his 12-year old friends come into rehearsal to cheer him up. Seriously, these kids are 12. Edyta thinks the kids enjoyed watching the routine. Yeah, if by “routine” you mean your legs, Edyta, then yeah, they enjoyed the routine. For real, there’s even a shot of them in a row, all with mouths agape. Also, this segment reminded me that Cody’s not alone in his douchiness, it’s just boys that age.

Hey guys. Any hair yet? Me neither. Yay boobies!

The pair is performing their Foxtrot first. Edyta’s dress gives the illusion of butt crack, and I don’t know why anyone would design a dress that way, even a ballroom costume designer. Cody has the moves down, but he’s hardly suave. He looks like a little boy playing Fred Astaire or something. What? I know little boys who played Fred Astaire.

The sweaty butt crack. Look for it on runways near you.

We turn to the judges. Len explains that though the couples are doing two dances tonight, the judges haven’t lowered their expectations for the level of dancing. This was a big fake out set up, since he liked Cody’s performance, calling it “top notch.” Bruno thinks Cody was sophisticated and finally got his “jerking around” under control. LOL. Carrie Ann also loved it and so did some screaming teen in the audience. Carrie Ann applauds Cody for adapting so wonderfully to his new partner, but she’s a crazy stickler about lifts so she’s docking them a point because Edyta’s foot came off the ground. Bruno exclaims that the dancers live in a police state under Carrie Ann. God, two LOLs from Bruno in one paragraph! This show’s on a roll! Scores for Cody: 8, 8, 8, for a total of 24.

Next up, Brooke Burke, who got the first perfect score of the season last week. Carrie Ann likened her to the professional dancers on this show, so Derek’s going to start treating her like one. The cameraman will continue to treat her as a star and just follows her ass around rehearsal. Awkward. He’s teaching her moves, contrasting the amateur move with the professional pose. He’s working her hard, but she’s up for the challenge.

We get it!

The pair are performing the Tango first. They look good and all, but I am distracted by Brooke’s dress. Like, I’m pretty sure I can see her cooch at a few points. Also, aren’t pros real sticklers about having straight legs and all that? I think this dance is too slow and reliant on precision to forgive the little errors Brooke Burke makes because she’s actually not a professional dancer.

Get to know me.

Bruno thought it more than a tango, “los diablos, an epic drama, played on a grand scale.” He calls it stunning. Carrie Ann says that that dance shows why Brooke is the last woman standing – “beyond phenomenal.” Apparently my critique was way off base. Len calls them the Dream Team, but found quite a few flaws and mistakes. Thank you, Len! Scores for Brooke and Derek: 10, 8, 10, for a total of 28.

Up next, Maurice Green and Cheryl Burke. Last week, Len called their performance their best dance yet, so can he continue the trend? This week they’re performing the Paso Doblé, which they just did last week in the group routine. Cheryl busts out the YouTube video of their performance on a laptop so she can critique him. They’re also doing the Quickstep, and despite the fact that he’s an Olympic Gold-medalist at running, he finds it infinitely more challenging to run “while attached to someone.”

Cheryl: Do I look fat?

Maurice: I don’t care. I’m switching to the cat that chases it’s tail. That shit’s hilarious.

First up is their Quickstep. They’ve outfitted Maurice in maroon again. I guess it’s his color. They’re dancing to “Puttin’ on the Ritz,” so that’s going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. They look good, even if Maurice Green doesn’t know what to do with his hands when not in the hold. He also looks like he’s faking his smile. Nice finish though!

Over it.

Carrie Ann liked the attention to Maurice’s head angles. Always a stickler, that one. Len thought the footwork was great and agrees they did a great job. Bruno comments that normally Maurice deflates (posture and footwork-wise) halfway through the dance, but this time kept it going through with “a-plump.” And he emphasizes that last “p.” Aw, even the judges are going after Cheryl now! Scores for Maurice: 8, 8, 8, for a total of 24.

Next up are Lance and Lacey. Last week Len flew into a rage over their barefooted Rumba. He, like, totes hates Lacey. Lance wants to work on his technical skills this week more than anything so they can impress Len. Lance never expected to make it this far, but now that he’s here, he really wants to win it. Don’t you all, Lance?

My eyebrows DESERVE this!

In performance, I guess by “traditional,” Lance and Lacey meant “corny,” ’cause their dance is total cheeeeese. At least Lance doesn’t look like he’s playing a grown up, like Cody. And his movements are nice and sharp and match Lacey’s. They do make a good pair.

Lacey doesn’t look right in a dress. I think that’s why she does everything she can do avoid wearing them. Bring back the biker shorts and halter tops! You’re sinking!

Len is very pleased with their transformation. He saw some “dodgy” footwork, but on the whole thought it very ncie. Bruno called it a classic dance, but also thinks they did a nice job of hanging on to their “quirky individuality” that makes them special. Carrie Ann liked their animation and thought the routine was very fun to watch. Scores for Lance: 9, 8, 9, for a total of 26.

Warren Sapp is the last to go in the ballroom round. Last week he struggled through his Foxtrot in uncomfortable shoes – have the found some triple E’s this week? Luckily, Warren was saved by the nearly perfect team dance they were a part of, but Warren and Kym are both totes freaked out in rehearsal the next day. Curiously, they’re doing the Tango and the Jive. Curious because Brooke did the Tango in the ballroom round, but it appears Warren will do it in the Latin round cause the Jive is certainly not Latin. So confused DWTS!

Wrong sport. Stop trying to tackle her.

I’m totally wrong – they’re doing the Tango now. Whaaat? Anwyays, the dance is nice. Warren is back to his usual smooth self. They glide around the floor with relative ease and are nicely in sync. The crowd goes wild for them at the end. Woo Warren is back!

Ow my nuts!

Bruno thinks James Bond should watch his back. Carrie Ann thinks the sparkles help Warren. She comments he’s the only star that connects with the audience and makes them feel like a part of the number. Len thinks they should be back on top. Scores for Warren: 10, 9, 9, for a total of 28. Warren almost fell over when he saw the 10. So adorbs.

And now the Latin round begins! As Tom and Useless have been reminding us all night, that means the stars will have to do a 15 second solo during their routine this round. After the Ballroom round, Brooke and Derek and Warren and Kym are tied for first with 28 points. Cody and Edyta and Maurice and Cheryl are in the bottom with 24 points and Lance and Lacey are in the middle with 26.

First up – Cody and Edyta, doing the Mambo. Cody is making a weird face at Edyta for most of the intro and leading with his chin. Apparently he went to the Kiera Knightly school of facial expressions. The dance is pretty good, though I don’t think their chemistry is as good as the one between Cody and Julianne. Also, Cody’s solo is more gymnastics than dance, I think.

Spazznastics

Carrie Ann gives him an A for effort and energy, but thinks the dance was erratic. Yeah, totes. She tells him to contain it a little more. If by “it,” she means his face then I agree. Len thinks Cody has done two very good dances. Bruno thought he had Mambo fever, but “it went a little spasmodic at times.” I was ready to rip on Bruno for that word, but my spell check is telling me it’s real. They all appreciate his spastic efforts. Scores for Cody: 8, 8, 8, for a total of 24 and a night’s total for 48.

Who wasn’t rooting for him to kick Len in the face?

Next up – Brooke and Derek doing the Mambo. Nice wig, Brooke. Is that from the Lacey Schwimmer collection of hair in unnatural colors? Brooke does her solo directly in front of the judges table so they can’t see her legs. I think that was a poor choice. The rest of the dance is pretty great, though.

You got time to lean, you got time to clean, sister.

Len agrees with me that he would have liked to have seen her feet in the solo, but he could tell by her hips that she was Mamboing away. Bruno thought her dance could have revived the dead. He thinks she’s a great dancer. Carrie Ann liked her solo, but thought she lost her posture at other points because the dance was a little too ambitious. Scores for Brooke: 9, 9, 9, for a total of 27, and the total for the night is 55.

Up next, Maurice and Cheryl, dancing the Paso Doblé. Their color scheme is already throwing me off – they’re in black and purple while green lasers decorate the set. HIDEOUS. Also, Halloween was a couple weeks ago, guys. Get with it. The dance is alright. Maurice’s solo totally rocks, what with the cape and the flashing lights. And then it’s back to meh Paso Doble.

The ever so popular making the bed move.

Bruno found it strong, imposing and very powerful. He thinks he’s doing well tonight. Carrie Ann loved Maurice’s focus and intensity. Len’s not usually a fan of cape work, but he really enjoyed Maurice’s solo. He thinks the pair did a nice job and dismisses them with a “well done.” Whoa, reign in the enthusiasm, Len. Scores for Maurice: 8, 8, 8, for a total of 24 and a total score of 48.

Lance and Lacey’s Samba is next. Oooh and they’re shod to please Len. Lance’s solo is pretty ridiculous, mostly because of his faces. And Lacey’s dress is HIDEOUS. Like, more hideous than usual. It’s second only to that dress she wore that had Lance’s face on it. And that’s mostly cause I thought the face was Michael Jackson at first. Gross! Lance and Cody both need to work on their hands. Goofy.

Thanks! There are no longer bats in my cave.

Carrie Ann thinks the Samba is one of the more difficult dances on this show because it’s hard to master the “flavor.” That’s what she said. She thinks they did a nice job, and makes some weird commentary about Lance’s eyes going up to the balcony when he’s spotting. Whatever Carrie Ann, they can’t always look right at you! Len saw elements of the Samba in the routine, but thought Lance’s solo lacked the Samba. He was also disgusted with Lance’s footwork, commenting on his pigeon-toes. Bruno thought Lance’s solo was great – that he pulled focus and didn’t need Lacey. He also praises the difficulty of their Samba. Scores for Lance: 8, 7, 9, for a total 24, for a total total of 50.

If you were the worst dancer in N’Sync, why would you bring back the worst dances of N’Sync?

The last couple tonight are Warren and Kym doing the Jive. I’m such a ballroom noob, but how is the Jive Latin? How?? I guess cause it’s not all formal like Captial B Ballroom dances? This is a very cute routine and I love Warren’s solo, OF COURSE. He just gets down. The routine has a very nice energy and sense of humor.

The flood’s coming whether you shield your eyes or not.

Len called it a joyful thing to watch, except his feet. Len is just disgusted by feet tonight. Bruno says Warren releases contagious fun, so it’s hard for him to dissect the technique because it hardly matters when everyone’s having so much fun. And not in a Cloris Leachman uncomfortable fun way. Carrie Ann also comments on Warren’s flat feet, but noticed that he hit all his moves regardless. She liked it. Scores for Warren: 9, 8, 9, for a total of 26 and the night’s total of 54.

Everyone’s got the trophy in their sights now that it’s a week from the semifinals, so who goes home?

And now it’s time for the results show recap!

I have to say, it’s getting pretty interesting seeing how these people creatively waste an hour. Let’s start with our favorite waste of space.

Look how cute little Cody is when he’s not making a stupid face!

It might help that he’s standing next to a fifty year old man.

Because there hasn’t been enough rehashing yet, what with only a previous hour to relive the hour and a half that preceded it, the judges sit around a round table and rehash shit again.

Bruno: Whatchoo doin’?

Len: Nothin. What are you doing?

Bruno: Nothin’.

Carrie Anne: Why don’t you guys ever talk to me?

(pause)

Bruno: Did you hear something?

Len: No. Did you?

Len wants to see Warren and Kim’s tango again. That old bastard just wants to see if he can give the big boy a heart attack.

Jeeze, costume people, could you make that neckline a little tighter?

Dear Santa, please send me the souls of butterflies to much on for Christmas. Love, Martha.

Backstage, Useless asks Brooke how she’s gonna come back from her lower than usual scores last night.

Lots and lots of eye makeup.

Then Cody gets to show off his two, count em, two women.

Boner check. Still nothing? Keep trying, little one.

Cody says that Julianne taught him everything he knows, and Julianne is quick to step in and clarify that he meant dancing, and not boning. Come on, girl, that’s not in doubt. Now if Maks was his partner…

Useless asks Julianne if she’d like to thank Edyta for filling in, and Julianne thanks her, but it sounds kinda patronizing because she said “and I really mean that”. When people say that they usually don’t. Was it just me? I think Julianne wants Edyta dead. Discuss.

Back to the bench bitch. My appendix are gone, but I’ve still got fists.

Brad Paisley, country supastaaaah, is up next. He’s singing a song called Tick. Brad looks straight into the camera with what I think he means as cfm eyes, but he looks like he’s stifling a burp.

Blow it out your nostrils and pretend nothing happened.

The song is about meeting some chick in a bar that he wants to bang. Sample lyric “I wish I was your beer.” Country music is nothing if not consistent, I’ll give it that. This is all well and good until Lacey comes out dancing with her brother Benji. Then things just get downright creepy. They enter on the line “I wanna see the other half of your butterfly tattoo.”

Hey the butterfly tattoo’s on my ankle, jerk. I’m telling Mom. And the police.

Ah, put your fears to rest. No incest here. Benji makes Lacey look like GI Jane.

That was kinda gross. Please don’t come back to my dressing room, k?

Next, a clip about why audience members came to the show.

Thanks to Brooke, I can put my ankles behind my head now. It’s taking a little more practice to get my fist into my mouth, but dammit I’m working on it.

A guy tells Warren “YES. YOU. CAN!”

And then he shouts it to every black person he sees. White people are retards.





I came all this way to see Cody’s tight little butt in person.

Then, these girls say that Cody’s just a white boy dancing. Ouch.

And you two got dressed like hos to enter the gay man’s paradise. Morons.

We’re here to invite Bruno home with us. And possibly Maurice. And Tom. Is it hot in here?

Next, Dr. Drew comes to give advice to the couples. I thought this was gonna be a joke, but it was totally serious. This show kills me.

So, Lacey, when did you start shooting up before the shows?





My brother isn’t even on TV anymore, and he’s more famous than me. Plus, everywhere I turn there are gay gays who don’t get my wacky sense of style.





I get it. I just hate it. That’s why I started snorting crushed up Advil.

Alright you two. Lacey, you dress like a slut to get attention and Lance, you washed up like ten years ago so why don’t you both calm down and be grateful that there are producers ill informed enough to put you on TV, k?

Thank you doctor! You saved us!





I’m sick of everyone calling me fat.





Well, I’m sick of everyone calling me a doctor, but I am one.





Oh no he didn’t. We’re leaving!





Cheryl keeps eating my lunchables and it’s starting to piss me off.





That’s a lie!

Cheryl, you keep wearing the same thing every day and that is hurting your self esteem. And Maurice, you need to stop being a man baby and buy a lock for your lunch. NEXT!

And now the Macy’s star of the world something or other. People went online and chose their favorite dancers to perform, and they also chose their favorite designer to make the costumes.

Here’s a crazyface if I ever saw one. This shit’s gonna be unreal.

Bowling shirt for piano lovers.

What’s in this giant piano?





Dead orphans! OH THE HUMANITY!





Just kidding! It’s Julianne!





Ow, Jules. I’m glad you’re not dead but please don’t slap my hand so hard. I’m delicate.

And then, right there in her bizarre Macy’s gift outfit, Julianne laid an egg.





Congrats on your strike, baby!

Ow my neck. Congrats on your success honey. Can we go now?





Those dead orphans will never escape.

And now back to Dr. Drew’s Kinda Celebrity Blah Blah.

So, Brooke you’re hot. How could you have any problems in life?

I don’t. I’m awesome. Oh who am I kidding?!? I’m abused! ABUSED!

Woah! Dumbshit! Dropped the ball!

I would have better luck with a bitch from Greatest American dog as my partner.





That’s right. Go get me some Popeye’s, ho!





What’d I say?

Well, Brooke, it’s important for a woman to know her place.





There’s a bruise in the shape of a stiletto under all this hair. Please do something.

Thanks for comin’ in. NEXT!

I just wanna wash his hair, doc. He stinks. He smells like boy feet at all times.





OMG she almost DIED. I couldn’t shower. I was too busy thinking about her. Dead.

That’s so sweet but you’re making my eyes burn. It’s like sitting next to chopped onions.





Please don’t die! Edyta does…things to me. Bad things.





Oh, butch up. She’s trying to make you a man.





Seriously. Wipe yourself off and get out of my office.





“Barbara Walters is so jealous right now!”

So, Lance, Len said, and I quote, “I don’t understand how that pet rock even became famous in the first place.” And then he followed it up with “sucky suck suck suck”. How do you feel?

Uh…well, I uhhhh….Funny face!

Three Amigos

This must mean that the White Stripes are coming out.

Nope! It’s Brad Captain Obvious Paisley.





I wasn’t behind this number until now.





So, Maks, how do you feel about the gifts you’ve received from TVgasm? The candy, the Roseanne Season 7 DVD, the XXL holey tightey whiteys?





Ouch. You can’t commit. I get it.

Tell us about this show you’re gonna choreograph.





It’s a like a great ah dancezesing peoples day moof good for da danz you see da peoples danceszszz.





And…sold.

Now for a look at the “anatomy of the dancers.”

Hardest muffin top ever.





Hi, I’m Dr. Big Bertha. I study the physics of dancing because it is a fascinating sport. And I’m kinda repressed and awkwardly horny.

Dr. BBertha: Take this pose, it’s very scientific. Let’s just pause here for a sec and think about the difficulty level. Do you know how many muscles it takes to get an ass to stand out like that? And do you know how many muscles it’s taking to hold myself back from pummeling it?

Sorry. I meant funneling. Funneling is scientific. Let’s move on.





Hot DAMN I made a shiv out of a toothbrush. Be my bitch and I won’t have to stab you with it.





Let’s cut to commercial before I lose my job please.

And now for five full minutes of eliminations and scary music. And way too much Useless for my taste. So instead of reading about it, why don’t you enjoy this video about elimination? It’s an oldie but a goodie.

And today’s looooza is…





I thought I would be sad but I’m actually ecstatic! I GET MY OWN DAMN LUNCH! ALL OF IT!





Please just one more bite before you go!

We’ll see you back here next week for the semis! And thanks for reading!