Dancing with the Stars: Just Do It Right!

Aaaaah you guys! Semi-finals! Really, what they mean is, it’s the second to last week! Ayii! Exclamation point! In case you’ve been brain dead all season, the remaining couples are the powerhouse Brooke Burke and Derek, “rebels” Lance Bass and Lacey, spastic Cody Linley and Julianne (she’s back!) and my personal fave, Warren Sapp and Kym.

Even bent like this, Brooke has no rolls. It’s just WRONG.

***As usual, Krank is on recap duty and Flipit has the honor of pics, cations, and results! Enjoy!

Omg, I thought Lacey actually looked presentable, if a little stuffed into her LBD, but then I saw the back. WTF. It looks like Dr. Seuss put together her bustle.

No offense to Dr. Seuss.

Up first tonight: Brooke Burke and Derek. Last week she remained at the top of the leaderboard thanks to a couple 10′s. This week they’re doing two dances again – the Jive and the Salsa. Once again, Derek is focusing on the technical aspects, but is also having trouble conceiving their Salsa, as he’s not that familiar with the dance. Dude, how many seasons of this show have you been on? Maybe brushing up on the other styles would have been a good idea? Brooke also wants to work on her showmanship, since her remaining competitors are all great performers.

Sorry, but the hokey pokey is not an option. I don’t make the rules.

Their performance starts with Derek spinning around like a crazy man. Their dancing is cute if a little frantic, but I don’t understand why Derek is in a Zoot Suit, while Brooke is dressed for their Salsa already. I mean, I know I get irritated by cutesy costume “stories” but this makes no sense tonight. And then the dance turns into a mess right before the end. No standing O from the audience even…

And….pregnant. Again.

Oh man, Len calls their performance “a disaster,” pointing out the numerous mistakes. Bruno says that in their quest for a more showy routine, they lost their technique. He comments that she shouldn’t over do it, “just do it right.” Ouch. Carrie Ann knows that everyone has off days, but she’s ticked that they went for a “blatant illegal lift,” in the semi-finals when they’re supposed to be proving they want to go to the finals. Carrie Ann, this is TELEVISED. It is all about entertainment, not your stodgy ballroom rules you crazy ballroom nazi! Scores for Brooke: 7, 7, 7, for a total of 21. Wooooow – their lowest score ever in the semi-finals!

Oh no you DIDN’T!

Up next, Cody Linley, who is back with Julianne. He’s bummed he was at the bottom of the leaderboard again last week. His useless field trip this week is to visit Julianne on the red carpet of the CMAs. Why is she there? Is she secretly a country star and I just don’t know it because my country repertoire ends with the Dixie Chicks? He’s worried about being smooth in his Salsa, since the judges thought he was stiff in his Mambo. He also has some frustration in rehearsing the Paso Doble, but, you know, he’s fine by the end.

Jesus Krank, yes. She’s a country STAAAAHHH!! Ok, I only know that because I googled.

In performance, they start with their Paso Doble. And it has a military theme. The routine has some weird gimmicky bits, but they’re performing it well. Cody has a nice frame and they’re in unison when they need to be. Cody also performs the manly part pretty well. I really think that was his least spastic dance of the whole competition. The audience loves it and Cody and Julianne look really happy to be back dancing together.

Suck it, Flatley!

Bruno calls it “different.” He’s all for the gimmicks, but he didn’t like their style in the dance and points out all the ballroom specific stylistic movements they were lacking. Way to take the wind out of their sails there, Bruno. Carrie Ann continues the deflating. She gives them a 10 for determination, but agrees that the actual dancing was less than stellar. Len thinks they’re “going to get their marching orders.” He thought it was no good. Wow, the pissy judges are back! OMG, Julianne Hough does have a single! Just what we need, another blonde singer with a penchant for red lipstick. Scores for Cody: 8, 7, 7, for a total of 22. Hey, that’s one more point than Brooke and Derek!

Alright, kids. Do your duty and shoot Useless.

Up next: Warren and Kym. Last week he got his first 10 for his tango. This week they finally clarify why Warren never gets a rehearsal field trip – cause he’s too busy with his sports commentating jobs that take place all over the country. Kym comes with him on one trip and they have a cute bit where she teaches him the jitterbug during commercial breaks. They get back in the studio and Warren is frustrated and tired. There’s some blurred out swearing, but, you know, he pulls it together.

In performance, they’re performing their Mambo first. Warren’s got the shimmying and shaking down. I’m just distracted by the fact that they’re dancing to “Tequila” cause it makes me think of Pee-Wee Herman. It looks like he’s actually breaking her in half at one point, but the rest of their dance goes pretty smoothly.

Every time a dancer breaks her back and angel earns his wings.

Carrie Ann acknowledges that he knows how to get the audience on his side, but now that it’s the semi-finals, she wants to see more content in the dance. I guess more technical difficulty? Len says Warren epitomizes “Do what you know.” He appreciates the personality Warren brings every week. Bruno thinks Warren has “such a super-size sense of fun” that he gets away with murdering the technique. Bruno tells him he has to sort out the feet in the final. Scores for Warren: 8, 8, 8, for a total of 24. Cody looks hella-pissed in the background over those scores.

Up last tonight: Lance and Lacey. While the judges were much kinder in their comments (especially since they wore shoes in both routines), they still ended up in third on the leaderboard. They will be doing the Jitterbug and the Mambo. Lance says the Jitterbug reminds him of WWII and his grandfather. Of course, that means his grandfather is coming to rehearsal. This is his first time in LA since WWII. Gramps thinks Len will like it ’cause they’re wearing their shoes. That’s what I keep saying!

Why do old people wear their pants up to their moobs? Discuss.

We’ll have to wait and see their Jitterbug because first up is their Mambo. As crazy as the fabric hanging off her ass is, this is possibly the least offensive outfit Lacey has worn all season. She almost looks, dare I say it? Classy? No. Not classy, but almost respectable. The dance is pretty good too. I don’t see any blatant missteps and their unison bits are very nice. They make a great team. As insane as Lacey can be sometimes, the girl can dance. The audience goes wild and even the judges look impressed.

Today’s sniff test was brought to you by the Association of Gay Almost Astronauts.

Len thinks that was the best dance so far tonight. Bruno thinks this was semifinal material. Carrie Ann calls the routine a showstopper and thinks it was the best of the night and their best of the season. Scores for Lance: 10, 9, 9, for a total of 28. They are thrilled with their first 10 of the season.

Genuinely happy eyebrows.

This week Len gave a master class to the remaining teams. First he goes to Lance. He wants to fix Lance’s pigeon-toe problem. Then he goes on to fix Cody’s hip roll problem. I have to say, it’s nice to see Len put his money where his mouth is. Len wants to get Brooke’s legs straight. Lastly, Warren. Len wants to fix his flat feet. Then Len gets tips on how to replicate Warren’s TD victory dance and its hilarious and adorable. Len is actually personable in rehearsal. Kinda makes me like him.

Let this be a lesson to us all. Moisturize while there’s still time.

Ok and random ballroom filler of a couple of pros showing us how it’s done. In case you were wondering just how inadequate the stars really are.

And following that show of Salsa prowess are Brooke Burke and Derek. Brooke’s outfit is made entirely out of gold fringe and it’s bothering me. I mean FRINGE PANTS?? NO! Her legs are straighter at points this week, but I think the judges comments from before rattled her a little because she seems kind of timid in the tricky parts. Though yes, she is certainly showing the most technical dexterity of any of the “stars.”

Poor Fozzie Bear gave his life for those pants.

Tom thinks they’ve made a comeback – what about the judges? Bruno thinks Brooke is back as well! He feels so strongly about it he stands to give his comments because he is five years old and he’s been waiting for the teacher to call on him for like, forever. Carrie Ann is still being a total bitch about the lifts, but thought they actually worked in the context of the dance. She also goes on about Brooke’s “fall from grace” and I don’t think missing one dance is quite a fall from grace. That’s more appropriate for when you get your Miss America crown stripped because of some nudie photos, right Vanessa Williams? Len tells her not to worry what the other dancers are doing because when she sticks to what she knows, like just now, she’s great. Scores for Brooke and Derek: 9, 10, 9, for a total of 28.

When you people just let it go?

Next up: Cody and Julianne performing the Salsa. He’s still a total spazz. I mean, he’s 18 – if his biggest problem in his life is not winning “Dancing with the Stars” because he dances like a spazzy white guy, he’s living a charmed life. No pity from me.

Carrie Ann thought it was fun to watch, but she wanted better musicality from Cody. She loves his efferevescence, but wanted better technique. Len is clearly pumping up the compliments because he was supposed to have coached Cody into hip rolls, but I didn’t see ‘em. Bruno thought Cody performed like a “cheeky devil” and agrees with the other judges on Cody’s fun versus technique ratio. Scores for Cody: 8, 8, 8, for a total of 24 and a boring night total of 46.

Cute shirt though. I hope wardrobe lets you keep it.

And now a couple pros come in to show us what the Jitterbug is supposed to look like. Basically, way faster than any of our “stars” will be dancing. Um, that was frucken awesome.

Every screengrab I got was a blur. Nice!

And now Warren has to follow those pros. He works his football dance into the intro for Len, clearly. Julianne is dressed as a roulette wheel, I believe? The dance is cute, but not nearly as fast as the pros. But I think Warren’s feet have the snap Len is looking for.

Ass kisser.

Len thought Warren gave the audience exactly what they were looking for. He likes that they come out full-on and sell it every time. Bruno said he hasn’t seen such a massive impact since Starship Troopers. Even if I had every seen that movie, I wouldn’t admit it on national TV! Except in like, an ironic way. Bruno also criticizes Warren’s feet. Carrie Ann liked it, saying he brought his A-game. Scores for Warren: 9, 8, 8, for a total of 25, and a night total of 49.

The last routine of the night belongs to Lance and Lacey, doing the Jitterbug. Ooo Lance even does some acrobatics. I would make some off-color comments about Lance dressed as a seaman, but he said it was an homage to his grandfather, so I won’t. LOL, Lance’s shoe comes off. I hope Len goes easy on them since they didn’t mean to be barefoot. The routine is cute if a little crazed. But apparently, judging by the pros’ standard, that’s to be expected.

This show needs to get a crafts services table. Poor guy’s starving.

Bruno thought the performance was brilliant. He thought it had well-referenced elements of On the Town and he totes loved it. Who doesn’t love a little Gene Kelly referencing? Carrie Ann called it “magic on the dance floor.” And Len salutes the pair for dancing two fabulous dances that night. Scores for Lance: 10, 9, 10, for a total of 29 and that makes three 10′s for Lance and Lacey tonight. They are understandably stoked.

And that’s it for the performance show. Y’know. Standard riduclousness!

And now it’s time for the results!!

So my friend Allison wants to know why TVgasm hates Useless Samantha so much.

That’s why.

OMG Aretha Franklin!!!!! She ate all of her money a few years back, which is good for us cuz it forced her to get her ass out the house and give us a show! So, it’s just Chain of Fools. At least she didn’t try to make it “young and hip” like Lionel Richie did with “Dancing on the Ceiling.” Wait. I’m writing stuff. I’m supposed to be doing a picture recap. I’ve gone and put Aretha in the same sentence as Lionel. My bad!

Squeeze, girl! When you’re done you’ll be able to afford a Whopper.

Aretha was publicly pissed at Beyonce earlier this year when B introduced Tina Turner as “The Queen” at the Grammys so it’s pretty awesome that wardrobe dressed the dancers like Beyonce.

You’re gonna get skinned and eaten like a Thanksgiving Turkey. Don’t go to the greenroom.

Backstage, Brooke says that their weak number last night was all her fault and Derrick wholeheartedly agrees with her. For a guy who wears glitter for a living, Derrick’s kind of a dick.

He only hits me because he loves me.

Leona Lewis!!! WTF? I’m actually enjoying this results show. Or maybe I’ve just finally been brainwashed.

Aretha, Leona, and a perfect shot of Maks’ ass. God bless you, DWTS.

Julianne’s up next with her single, “My Hallelujah Song”, which you shouldn’t confuse with the “My Why God Please Stab My Eardrums Song” that I’ve been singing silently since she was announced.

Strong enough for a man. Made for a woman.

Why do country singers all squeeze their throats and try to sound like Kermit the frog? She does that, and she does it well. Off key a lot, but she’s Julianne! And she’s so pretty! And hell, she’s better than Kelly Pickler. Take that however you want to.

Next up, John Legend with his insanely retarded song, “I’m Ready to Go Right Now”! I think I’ll just hit rewind and watch Leona again.

Alright this commercial needs to just stop it.

I’m ready for you to go right now, too.

The Salem Witch Trials have begun.

And now, the celebrity families speak out!

Lord. I gave birth to that lug. I still can’t walk right.

Cody and I have become so close during the taping of this show. We get our teeth bleached together and practice the box step. I’m so glad he’s away from the influence of that slut, Hannah Montana.

My life has sucked ever since CHIPS was cancelled, but listening to Brooke’s kids scream and bang into things all over the house while she’s at rehearsal has really taken my mind off of it.





Lance has a job! YAAAYYYYY!

Dammit I love her. This time she’s singing Respect, and she doesn’t even bother with annunciation. She just slurs that shit out and wipes bits of the Beyonce dancer off the corners of her mouth. Never change, Retha!

At this stage in the competition, it’s about how smooth a man’s chest can get.

Yeah, but I don’t have to wax mine, you fogie!

The twist of the season is that Brooke Burke is really David Bowie from Labyrinth.

“Lance, you can’t dance. Time to show who wears the big boy pants”. Direct golden quote of the day.

Ruhroh! Dough boy or white bread? Either way, tonight carbs lose.

Aw! Cody’s out!

Can I still call you every once in awhile to maybe meet up so I can smell your hair?

Wow. I can’t believe this season has flown by so fast. Who do you guys think will take home the trophy? Popular opinion seems to be that Brooke is gonna win this one because she’s got like ten kids and is still way hot. I think that’s why she’s gonna lose. My sister has one child and she’s still waddling four years later. You think she wants to vote for some swimsuit model? Hell no. Out loud she says “the woman is an inspiration” but inside she’s throwing marbles on the dance floor. Anyone with a tiny waist and giant boobs can look like a decent dancer in a glitter bikini top standing next to Cloris Leachman. Try being three hundred pounds and sweating your face off and always being two steps away from a heart attack. That, my friends, is a true American.

Warren FTW!