Dancing With the Stars Results Show: It’s a Surprise!

The sailor outfit totally makes this pic work.

We had a technical problem here at TVgasm this weekend that ate Krank’s recap. I have the results show all ready to go, and since it’s pretty dead on the site today I figured I would throw it up here for ya. We will update with the regular finale show tomorrow! Thanks and happy holidays!

****This was a two hour event, so please be careful if you have weak browsers.

And now it’s time for our last results show picture recap!!

First off, this shit is two hours long? I so didn’t buy enough weed.

The finalists all morph into each other and it’s frightening. Especially between Lance and Brooke. IT’S ME!!!

This was total inspiration to go on a diet.

In case you guys aren’t grossed out enough by Brooke/Lance as me. I’m gonna have to black this out all over again.

Best freestyle EVER! Now what excuse am I gonna use to beat her?

Longhorns unite in favor of gay marriage. Take that, mormons!





This guy is hung like a ballroom dancer.

Cloris Leachman didn’t keep her promise to keep showing up after she was eliminated, so they went looking for her. She’s on Broadway! The street.

Annie the Musical: Seventy Years Later

Mom? Your birthday was over a week ago. This isn’t fun any more.

Cloris gets herself together and makes her way down to the Farmers Market to ask “real people” who they think should win.

How should I know? I’m not gay just because my shirt is.

I’m voting for Obama. But not because he’s black. Because he’s hawt.





Who’s Obama? And what’s in your pants?





Husband: I’m voting with the stripper with giant breasts. Don’t tell my wife.

Wife: I’m right here, Harold! YOU PIG.

“I can’t vote because I’m not a citizen.” True quote. The Farmer’s Market is filled with the minds of our times.

OMG Sal I haven’t seen you since the backroom at Sardi’s in the seventies! Awkward.

This reminds me of the time I met Warren Beatty and his body guard at a key party.

This next girl called Warren her dawg, which confused the hell out of Cloris.

Eight foot tall teenaged girls shouldn’t toss barbs, dear.

Class all the way, babe! Love ya!

Alicia Keys! And she doesn’t have the star of India on her forehead tonight.

That dancer behind you was hired to make you look cuter, and I respect that.





That right there is how you get scoliosis.





Guys, you’re making Lance feel left out again.

Welcome back to the show, Chubs!

Target: No One Was Killed in a Stampede Here

Riiight. Eight weeks ago she was Gilbert Gottfried.

The first three couples voted off come back to remind us why they were first.

I think I’ll join you.

Sorry flat headed bald Asian man, I’m in to fat guys.

Dude. Listerine.

Ugh. Please stop talking about Married With Children.





La Cage Aux Fool

Hit him!

I swear, the first time the singer sang “I like big sluts and I can not lie.” I rewound four times.



See?!?

Yes, Kim Kardashian is still unbelievably bad. Nuff? Nuff.

It’s that Alicia Keys dancer again! She booked a commercial. Congrats, girl! You’re on a roll!

And now for a stroll down memory lane, just in case you missed any of the three and a half hours a week of it.

Get over it, Nancy Kerrigan!

So glad you’re taking a break from that degrading music industry.

New label for Flaming DiSpirito Pasta Sauce

Misty May’s back! And she’s walking! Thank the Lord! And she is still on the verge of tears about having to leave the show.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my husband. I never realized how much I hated him.

Sorry to say it, but way less hot fully clothed. Please rip off your shirt and shake your bonbon or get the hell off my TV, k? Thanks.

And we wonder why Rocco can’t keep a girlfriend.

And now for a tribute to Cloris Leachman.

She’s a grandma.

She’s a ho.

She’s the lazy who hits her ceiling with a broom when you watch American Idol too loudly.

But mostly, a ho.

That’s done with, so now let’s just watch a hundred more random clips from the season.

Glad to see Gayken’s hair catching on with someone.





La Looch demonstrated how she got up the Hollywood ladder.





Cody killed Lafayette!





For a show that wanted the old broad off so badly, they’re sure using her heavily tonight.





I won’t dance, but I will plug my tour. I will be stopping at every Fat Burger between here and the East Coast this summer. Send me donations!

I can’t believe it! It’s Cloris Leachman! I’ve been wondering where she’s been!

Carrie Anne’s been wanting to rock that move on her all season.

Cloris relates being on Dancing With the Stars to pregnancy and Tom says “well ya sure delivered!” And then the Four Horsemen ride in and the world is consumed in fire.

Could you imagine being at dinner with Bruno and this guy at the same time?

Back to another segment of losers coming back to dance.

Nice pants to your rib cage…MOM!





YIKES. Too close. Pull back, camera man! For the love of God!

Well at least she changed out of that same track suit she wears every week.

Jeffrey Ross is brought back on to do what he does best. Scarf down a pizza in front of a Wii in his mom’s basement? No? Wait. He’s gonna roast the cast. Then he’ll scarf down a pizza in front of a Wii in his mom’s basement. He’s actually pretty funny. He says the only weight he lost on the show was the weight of his dignity and it was mortifying to be cut before an 82 year old. Then he tells Cloris she didn’t even dance. Corky just dragged her around the dance floor like they were in Weekend at Bernies, the Musical. LOL.

Brooke has perfect scores, Lance has perfect hair, and Warren has perfect boobs. That’s the pot calling the kettle black and fat. Brooke just had her 15th kid backstage and Lance is the dad. “Maybe he can come out of the womb and the closet in the same day.” He adds that there’s nothing you can say about Lance that hasn’t already been said about Clay Aiken and then asks which Spice Girl he was again. HAHAHAAA. He asks Warren how he could dance for eight hours a day for three months and still be such a fatty. Rude, yes, but you know you were wondering that too. All in all, pretty funny. But I think I would have liked it better on the radio.

Chins up.

Gee. I wonder if he’s gonna cry in this movie.





Lance’s gay baby.





Bruno needs to stay where the lighting is dim. He looks like a marionette.

When was the last time you cwied?

How do I get this thing go up my nose, y’all?

And now, for the final round of the season!

Nope. Cancer free. Congrats.





I’m not much of a dance judge, but Cloris was bored.

They get triple 9′s. Lance is next.

You know Lacey’s been carrying around baby wipes in her purse all week.





First time for everything.

They score 9, 9, and ten, which puts them ahead of Warren.

Shake that talent, girl!

Slow boring nothing dance and child exploitation?!? I call bullshit.

Children?!? WAAAAHHHH! I WANT CHILDREN!!





I don’t have to baby sit tomorrow! JOYWAAAH!!!

They take triple tens. Yay! A twist! And I thought this was gonna be boring.

That trophy’s still mine. MIIIINE!

The audience scores were tabulated and Lance slipped to third. Aw! Not on the verge of suicide yet? Then here’s some Miley Cyrus action!

The slammed my hand in the car door look is all the rage with the kids now.





Liza’s back!

Ah, checkers. Deep.





Thank God for those guys jumping all over the place. I almost paid attention to the screeching coming out of the brat.

Backstage, Useless Samantha asks the two remaining couples for last words to each other.

It’s so cute how you guys tried so hard, so thanks for that. It wouldn’t be any fun if they just handed me the trophy during the first episode, right?





In high school I beat the shit out of the prom queen, and I feel like I need to revisit my youth.

Desperate Housewives is now running for President. Dumbasses.

OK guys. Are you sitting down? Cuz it’s a shocker. Brooke wins!

Tonight, no one gets hit.