Dancing with the Stars: “Samba la Vista, Baby”

Tear, guys! It’s the last week of Dancing with the Stars. After this my life returns to an abyss of waiting for Lost to premier, shouting at Grey’s Anatomy‘s Izzie through the TV (I mean ghost sex? GHOST SEX???) and House reruns. Tom Bergeron calls this “the most closely contested finals EVER!” but that is a blatant lie. Brooke Burke, FTW.It’s been a season full of drama (remember how pissy The Looch got?), illness (Julianne HufF) and injury (Misty May-Traenor and, like, everyone else.) The field has been whittled from 13 to 3 and tonight is the final performance show – LIIIIVE!

Before their finale dances, each pair has chosen their favorite ballroom and Latin numbers from the season thus far. Y’know. For filler. I’m just glad it’s dancing filler and not Jessica Simpson singing or something. First up Brooke and Derek, who chose their Quickstep. Since they’re not actually re-performing the numbers, just naming them and playing the tape back, I’m not going to describe them for you. Funny story though, I don’t remember the first time Brooke and Derek performed this. Their favorite Latin number was the Paso Doblé they did to the DeBeers diamond commercial theme song. Ah, classic.

Derek gives a little rundown of Brooke’s stellar stats: She’s been at the top of the leaderboard for 80% of the competition, she’s the only one to have gotten a perfect 30/30, she’s had 12 10′s over the season and she’s had the highest average score over the season. Like I said, it’s Brooke’s to lose.

We go back to the live studio to find Brooke dressed like Peg Bundy. Okay, maybe not dressed, per se, but definitely styled, in the hair area, like Peg Bundy. I really want her to whine “Aaaaal!” through her nose right now. Tom reminds her of her stumble last week and asks how she’s handling the pressure of screwing up right before the finals. She’s all “positive thinking” and shit cause she knows she’s gonna win this thing.

After a little commercial break we get to see Lance and Lacey’s favorite ballroom and Latin numbers. For ballroom, they chose their Tango. Lance likes it because it was one of their signature “risks” but this one actually paid off. I’m still not crazy about this zombie tango. He calls their Mambo from last week their best Latin dance. You know, this was the one where Lacey wore that crazy Dr. Seuss dress.

Lacey thinks Lance deserves to win because he’s the most improved dance. In his list of stats, his achievements include being the only celebrity to beat Brooke all season, which would be more comforting IF BROOKE WEREN’T STILL IN THE COMPETITION. He also has the biggest lead ever going into the finals, showing that he’s peaking at the right time. That, or Brooke choked at just the right time.

Last up, the dark horse for the trophy, Warren Sapp, with his favorite dance picks. His favorite Ballroom dance was the Viennese Waltz, which was Kym’s favorite as well. He loved being able to “pull the pace down” while she loved seeing him glide across the floor. Their favorite Latin dance was the Paso Doblé. He loved the outfits and the dance, because he’s all about intimidating the competition. This was definitely their breakout number. I just love Warren Sapp in eyeliner, stomping around the dance floor.

Kym thinks Warren should win because he’s the crowd pleaser. Pshaw, he doesn’t rely on no stinking TECHNIQUE! Smiles and winks all the way. They’re clearly the underdog, as they have never come in first, but they do have the most second place finishes. He’s the only one left in the finals not coming from an entertainment background, and yet he’s the most entertaining one out there! Warren promises to win by bringing “A whole lotta something you haven’t seen.” I can’t wait!

Before we can get to the adult dancing, it’s time to crown the junior champions: Craig and Samantha. They look thrilled. Seriously, they’re showing more energy in this dance than when they were announced the winners. These kids are so pro, they don’t even care about this fake dancing competition trophy. Hey kids, shoot for the stars, maybe some day you can be the next Julianne Huff and have your voice over-produced so you, too, can be a “singer.”

Whoa! Call the fire department, the floor is on fire! You know what that means, the actual dancing is going to start. Samba smackdown is the first theme and the “stars” think of all sorts of clever (and by clever, I mean not clever at all) ways to talk shit about each other. Crazy-eyes Len warns us “Don’t look away! Anything can happen.” Like your crazy ex-wife coming down from the attic and trying to kill the governess? Only that could draw out the kind of crazy eyes Len is sporting.

Hey is that Carlton in the audience? Is he here with Carol Brady?? Weeeird.

Len thinks this is the strongest finalist field they’ve ever had and can’t wait to see the routines, especially the freestyle. Too bad you’ll probably hate it, old man, cause Lance and Lacey are sooo going to be barefoot. You just know it.

First up tonight will be the group “Samba Smackdown” so we can see their skills side by side. Brooke will go first, then Lance, then Warren. You know how rehersals go, everyone wants to show what they do best. Brooke is focusing on technique but freaking out because she can’t remember the steps. Lacey wants to put a trick in their section of the routine to wow the judges. Warren and Kym are worried because their last Samba didn’t go over so well with the judges. In the group rehearsal, everyone’s shit-talking and nervous about what the others are doing. Aaah! Tension!

After more commercials, we get the Samba Smackdown. Brooke and Derek open the routine with some fancy spinning from Derek. Brooke dances with her usual skill and finess, but her knees are bent again this week. I hope Len notices after the big fuss he made. Lance and Lacey’s dance showcases Lance very well – his feet move so quickly! I’m not sure what the trick is they were hyping so much, but their whole section is very tight. Warren’s section opens with a roundoff from him, plus some fancy footwork. He looks like he’s having a blast, shakin his booty and I hope I hope he gets better marks than his last Samba. The finale is mess-free thanks to the absence of the Looch, and there’s even a nice group lift. Wow, fancy! Hey Christina Applegate is in the audience. So are the Kardashians, but I don’t see Kim.

Len takes a moment to fellate the bands ego before commenting on the dancers’ performances. He thought everyone performed better tonight than they had during their last Samba. He thought Warren’s section had more content, but still wants him to work on his feet. He liked Lance’s energy, but wanted more finesse. Brooke was a sensation and Len still thinks she’s the one to beat, even with her bent legs. Bruno calls Brooke a sexy, sizzling dancer and thinks every guy would like to “drive that model.” Derek’s face in the moment after pretty much sums up THE WORLD’S sentiments on that comment.

Bruno thought Lance was tight and clean and Bruno is happy to see Lance’s confidence improve. Bruno calls Warren irresistible, saying that while his technique was “not brilliant,” his sense of fun made up for it. Carrie Ann thinks Lance has the momentum on his side, but she was really impressed with Warren in that routine. She thinks he’s the most improved and connects the best with the audience. Carrie Ann thinks Brooke brings the technical nuances, and wants them to pull it back a little because some of Brooke’s lines were awkward. Ruh roh! Does someone else actually have a chance at beating Brooke? Scores for Brooke: 9, 9, 10, for a total of 28. Scores for Lance: 9, 8, 9, for a total of 26. Scores for Warren: 9, 7, 9, for a total of 25. Way to be a bastard, Len.

And now! It’s time! For the freestyle section! First up is Brooke. You may remember that she choked last week. Draaaamz! Worst nightmare EVA! Because Warren and Lance are “showmen,” Brooke and Derek want to put in some tricks to entertain the crowd as well. Derek hurt his back while trying at trick, so the pair goes the Dirty Dancing route to practice their new tricks in her pool. Both Brooke and Derek vow to make it perfect, as if that means anything.

I think their “freestyle” dance is like a Jive. They’re dancing to Grease and I start having horrible flashbacks to You’re the One That I Want. Ugh! This routine is cute. I think it’s pretty daring of them to do the same style of dancing that Brooke choked on last week. I suppose that’s why she’s fucking rules at this show. Whoa, and they’re following the plot of Grease as Brooke just tore off her frilly pink dress to transform into bad, smoking Sandy. Derek is donning a matching fuchsia sequined jacket. Oh the costumes, how I will miss being baffled by thee. Their lifts and tricks are very nice and go off very smoothly. Impressive they’re even syncopating their footwork. Plus her boobs just jiggle away in that top. Glad to see she’s finally tapping into her “entertainment value.” The whole audience is on their feet except one lady in the front row. Yo, Brooke’s gonna see you when she watches this on her Tivo and BLACKLIST YOU, betch!

Bruno calls her “the one we ALL want!” He thinks she was spectacular. Of course, he has to get his dirty comments in and says she was in positions he’d only seen in the Kama Sutra. Oh Bruno, like you have sex with women. Is there a dudes’ Kama Sutra? He calls it one of the best freestyle dances he’s ever seen. Carrie Ann compliments Brooke and Derek for never sacrificing the true dance technique in all their weeks and goes on to say the “brought it” tonight. Len continues the skeevy trend by saying he’s glad he’s commenting last since he got “all hot under the collar.” Can Len not speak when he has a boner or something? Anyways, yadda yadda, best freestyle ever. Scores for Brooke: 10, 10, 10. Combined with the Samba, they have a total of 58/60. She’s undeniably raised the bar. Derek’s pumped ’cause he knows he’s gonna win. Lance and Warren look on in the back and try not to look like they know their dances are entirely futile.

Next up: Lance and Lacey. They had a great week last week and he’s totally peaking at the right time. Lacey wants to use his newfound dancing confidence to power them to the trophy. Their freestyle dance looks… interesting… to say the least in rehearsal. Lacey thinks he has the showmanship of Warren plus the technique of Brooke, so he can totally pull this off. Too bad he doesn’t have her boobs too, or I’d say he actually has a shot at winning. Yikes, they’re doing hip-hop for their final dance. Are either of them experts in the field of hip hop? Lance is going to throw a little “Bye Bye Bye” in as an homage to Joey Fatone. Oh man, *NSync is, like, the saddest frat ever.

Before the performance even starts, Len looks doubtful. This routine isn’t as obnoxiously pointless as I thought it would be. They have great energy and the audience is into it. Their conjoined caterpillar move looks like the saddest whale sex I’ve ever seen, however. It’s fun, but there’s really not a lot of substance. What will master technician Carrie Ann have to talk about? Really, they’re just running around and jumping a lot and throwing their arms around. This one gets a big ol’ MEH from me.

Carrie Ann starts the commentary by saying she almost liked it, except for a section in the middle that threw it all off. She liked that they were “rebels” and reminded the audience of “who they are,” but she didn’t get it when they dropped that “rebel” façade and went into the Cha cha in the middle. Totes agree, Carrie Ann. It was a hot mess. Len proves he can be a cool dude by saying he likes the song and he likes hip hop, he just doesn’t like it when they’re supposed to be doing a Latin dance. But seeing as how this is the freestyle round, he’s feeling “freaky” and liking it. He liked the whole thing including the Cha Cha bit. Bruno thought it youthful, vibrant and exciting. He likes the creativity, wit and smart choices of Lacey’s choreography. Backstage Useless brings her uselessness to a whole new level by acknowledging that winning this competition is basically – you know it – USELESS. Can someone get her a mirrorball trophy dedicated to her own uselessness? Scores for Lance: 9, 9, 9, for a total of 27, combined with their Samba score, they have a nightly total of 53/60.

Last up tonight is Warren. He’s never been the best dancer, technically speaking, but he’s the crowd pleaser of the finals. Like everyone else, they’re trying to find the perfect blend of technique and showmanship based on Warren’s abilities. Warren’s just psyched they can finally do lifts without Carrie Ann getting on their case. I love it that he refers to performing lifts as “sliging [Kym] around.” ‘Cause that’s exactly what he’s going to do. Kym is worried about the lifts as they rehearse, but Warren is all, “I know I got you.” Seriously, he’s got a Super Bowl ring, I’m pretty sure he can throw a 90-lb woman around with ease.

I’m not sure what style this is supposed to be, but it’s definitely more traditional than Lance and Lacey. Costume change! Warren and Kym are in their silver sparkled best as they kick it up. I think there are elements of every style in this routine at some point, but I think they’re just going for the Daredevil school of dance. He’s throwing her around with absolute ease and Kym just looks pleased to have made it through alive at the end.

Len says that every season there’s one star on the floor and Warren is it, technique or no. Bruno says resistance is futile, all he can do is enjoy the ride. Carrie Ann calls that routine her favorite out of all the performances tonight, before going on to be a total underminer and point out that they made a mistake. Ho. Scores for Warren: 9, 10, 9, for a total of 28, and a night’s total of 53/60.

And now I pass the final baton of the season to Flipit! Good luck on those two hours and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!