OK folks. So here’s what’s gonna happen. It’s premier night of Dancing With The Stars. I know nothing of dance and have barely ever watched the show. Why am I recapping it then? Because it’s easier than self-mutilation. Let’s see who’s dancing tonight shall we?
The night the Republican comeback stalled.
****Cherie and I are going to team up on this one. She is going to do the recaps and I will the do the pics and captions, and then a pic recap of the results show. Enjoy! -Flipit
I’m visiting TX right now, and this is how the weather woman dresses here. LOL. Nice see through shirt and black bra with soccer mom hair and a waddle. Dammit I love you TX!
As I mentioned I am not very familiar with the show so I’m just winging this shit. Like most of the people I’ve heard are gonna be on this train wreck symphony of artist ability showcase.
Oh goody! We start off with a group number of a bunch of dudes dancing to The Boys Are Back In Town. This would be more entertaining if they were nekkid but ya can’t have everything.
Maks got married, so I’m kinda hoping this elevator thing will break so we can get a new cast of hot, ELIGIBLE bachelors. Way to take the fun out of nap time, Maks!
Stop torturing me with your perfect brows!
Try this again all together, k?
This is like that dbag skit from SNL, but greasier.
I want lighting like this in my living room so I can look forever youthful.
Afterwards up in the balcony Tom Burgermeistermeisterburger and Samantha Harris inform us that this is night one of a special three night event. Wait I just had a memory. Bbitz and Flipit call her Useless. Ha! I shall continue the tradition. And now for introductions!
Useless has aged about ten years in six months. Dang girl, lay off the gym, the tanning bed and the neck stress. Chubby Hubby might bring back some of your epidermal elasticity.
Aaron Carter and Katrina Schmirnoff. Seriously I don’t get the appeal of this kid. He’s gross looking.
Chuck Liddell and Anna. I have no clue who he is.
Iron Chef dude Mark Decascos and Lacey. I know him. He’s a nut. He should be fun.
Ashley Hamilton and Edyta. Damn I had forgotton ole George cloned himself.
Donny Osmond and Kym. What the frick frack is up with these mormons? They never age.
Louie Vito and Chelsie. Again no clue who he is but something ain’t right about that kid.
Michael Irvin and Anna D. Again no clue who he is.
Tom Delay and Cheryl. Seriously? A politician? What there were no hobo’s laying around? Ugh.
Debbie Mazaar and Maks. Don’t know who she is don’t care. Just want Maks naked. For artistic reasons of course.
How do you not know who Debi Mazar is? FUCK YOU, TURTLE!
Melissa Joan Hart and Mark. I got nothing.
Mya and Dmitry. Basically the same thing I said about Maks.
Kathy Ireland and Tony D. Ok I’m going to want to hate her because she’s a former model but I’ll probably end up liking her. I’m complicated like that.
Natalie Coughlin and Alec. This show is looking better and better.
Macy Grey and Jonathan. People are going to hate me but I can’t stand her voice so I hope to hell she can dance.
In her concerts she comes out stoned off her ass and lays down on the stage for entire numbers with her eyes closed while she slurs out songs. Let’s hope she brings a little of that polish to TV.
Joanna Krupa and Derek. Got enough models on here? Were there no homely fat people available?
I mean come on. How busy can Delta really be?
Kelly Osborne and Louis. OZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZYYYYYYYYYY!!! Ok I’m a little prejudiced on this one. I love all things Ozzy. So I am stating right now that Lil’ Satan is my favorite!
Oh thank the heavens the intros are done and now we see the camera trolling down the line of couples all making weird fuck faces.
Back to Tom and Useless. They tell us a bunch of crap we already know, make lame jokes and then tell us how action packed this season is gonna be. The men will perform tonight and the women tomorrow, and they will have to perform both a ballroom dance and a Latin dance.
Kicking off this feast of manliness is Aaron Carter, who tells us he’s been performing since he was 5 and had his first solo hit at the age of 8. Yes but what have you done lately huh?
You mean other than start a catfight between Lindsay and HIllary, sue his mom, get arrested for drug possession and get kicked out of Hulk Hogan’s house? Come on now. That’s a staaaah! Now try to name one song he’s ever done. GO!
Anyway on their first meeting Aaron comes cartwheeling into the room to meet Karina. She informs him they will be performing the Cha cha Cha & Viennese Waltz.
As he puts his shoes on she tells him he will get used to heels. Ha. He says he has 5 sisters and he can’t say he’s never tried them on. Shocker! Karina is trying to show him proper hip movement but he mostly just looks like his butt itches. Finally we get to the actual performance.
There’s a first time for everything, but I have a feeling the first time being bent over in heels was a long time ago.
The FCC is a tenth of an inch from fining you, girl.
Ok so he’s not bad. But I do have to say that a LOT of chickens had to die for Karina’s outfit.
Karina had way too much chicken for lunch.
On to the judges. Len Goodman starts us off. He says a lot. Basically he thinks they have potential but were a little stiff. Hahahaha Len, GrouchyPants calling someone else stiff? I love it. Loono Bruno is grunting and making faces and says he needs to keep it steady or something like that. Carrie Ann I Need To Get Laid says “Wow little Aaron Carter is all grown up!” In other words she likes him, there’s a few problems but she’d do him.
You ees a spiky!
Off to Useless and her chit chat filler. And the scores are..Carrie Ann-7. GrouchyPants-8. Loono-7. For a combo of 22.
Poor Donny Osmand always looks like he’s sitting down.
Up next will be mixed martial artist and former heavy weight champ Chuck Liddell and Anna Travensomethingorother. They show him punching through some glass and hopping all around and he hopes that will help him with ballroom. Ok. Anna T. they have listed as a Former Rising Star/Latin Champion. What the hell does that mean? Who cares. Anyway she thinks he’s macho and he doesn’t think so let’s get to their dance.
I think this is meant as a threat.
They will be performing the Foxtrot. I ain’t saying a word I’ll let the judges do that.
Hellboy wants his hat back.
Give his hat back now! I can’t stand to look at that strip of outdoor carpeting on his head.
The Latina Swiffer Sweeper
Loono muttermumbles that they went down very well with the audience however it was rough. They have a long way to go. He gets booed. Carrie Ann says it’s true that he wasn’t graceful but he was smooth. Isn’t that the same thing? GrouchyPants says it was better than he thought it would be. And he wants him to get in touch with his feminine side.
Let’s head over to Useless. Blah blah the audience love you maybe they are scared. Shut up Useless.
Joo need a more speereet feeger!
Judges scores: Carrie Ann-6. GrouchyPants-5. Loono-5. Total 16.
Apparently Useless likes to get smacked around because she asks Chuck what he thinks his Ultimate fighting buddies think about him ballroom dancing. He makes some lame comment but all I see is the look on his face. Like “remind me to strangle her later”.
So Chuck, doin’ your best to avoid dropping the soap in the showers these days, huh?
On to Lacey and Iron Chef dude Mark Decascos. By the way, there may be small gaps in my “coverage” due to the fact that it has become monsoon season here in the Atlanta area and newscasters keep popping in showing how much closer I am to drowning. We pop in on these two practicing the Cha Cha Cha. Lacey is impressed with his skills because he has martial arts experience.
Way to fight those stereotypes. You look like an extra from The King and I.
The March of the Siamese Children
Oh Dear Lord they are dancing to Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting or whatever that song is called. The band sux. As cheesy as it is it’s not hideous. Until the end when Mark almost breaks Lacey’s hoo hoo. Let’s see what the judges say.
The Chicken Dance? I didn’t even have to buy a wedding gift!
No, you still don’t have ovarian cysts. Stop asking!
Carrie Ann thinks it’s great. Except for his arms doing something she calls “whatchoo!” Must be a technical term. GrouchyPants tells us he’s not a fan of gimmicks or laughter or fun of any sort and he doesn’t want to see Kungfooey in every dance. Loono says a bunch of nonsensical shit about the Bejing Opening Ceremonies but he says it was partly a treat and partly suck.
You can close your jay now.
Tom announces that tonight marks the debut of what they are calling Relay Dances where they can compare the couples dancing the same dance to the same song and they will be ranked accordingly.
Do I have anything on my ovaries? Take a look.
Over to Useless. She actually says “Well done Kung Fu Master.” Please make her stop. Carrie Ann-7. GrouchyPants-7. Loono-7. Total 21.
Next up is Ashley Hamilton and Edyta. Ashley describes himself as an actor and comedian. Yeah and I’m a Super Model and a jet fighter. He’s also the son of George Hamilton who I actually like. Edyta tells us she likes her partners to be all man cause she’s all woman. Good luck with that one. Sob story alert. Apparently he was in a motorcycle accident and had brain injuries causing him to never heal on the right side as well as the left. In other words. He can’t dance. They will try anyway with the Foxtrot.
Sorry. All I feel are discount plugs.
Your dad isn’t even dead yet. How did you already inherit his tanning bed?
There’s camel toe and there’s camel testicles.
What part of “I have brain damage” did you not understand?
Seriously. I almost died.
Edyta is going to be charged with attempted murder by the end of the show.
By the way sometimes the music on this show makes me want to eat a bullet. Mommy and daddy are in the audience proud as can be. GrouchyPants says that the footwork was good but it was rough. Loono says he sees the family resemblance but he can’t dance basically. Carrie Ann thinks they look stunning together. But they need to separate themselves from the others.
You wass deelidefool on da Love Boat!
Useless asks what is the hardest thing for him to learn. Uh to dance duh. Carrie Ann-5. GrouchyPants-6. Loono-4. Total 15. Ouch. Hahaha Tom actually makes a funny by saying that from the looks of Ashley’s Mommy, Loono may find his ass in a wheelchair before the night is out.
George Hamiltion has turned into one giant skin cancer. Good lord man.
Next up Donny Osmond and Kym. We all know who Donny is. He says his sister Marie came in third on the show and she has dared him to do better. Does that mean he will fake faint too? Kym tells us it’s time for her to take home that trophy. They will be doing the Foxtrot. She tells him to pretend she has a boob on her back so that he will know where to keep his hand. I like her. Off they go.
OMG Donny you look like you’ve grown two feet.
OK let’s count the ways they try to make Donny look taller.
Poor thing is gonna break her back. Just cut off her calves.
By the end of the season, Kym is just gonna be crawling on her knees through every dance.
They look good to me but Donny celebrates a little too much at the end. That always makes me want to smack someone. Loono says something about masturbating his fiddle with the audience but he slouches and that’s bad. Carrie Ann as usual is drooling at this point and just keeps emphasizing the word BALLroom. GrouchyPants says what he did he did well but too much. Take it down a notch. He gives them a 6 while Loono and Carrie Ann both give them a 7 for a total of 20.
I told you he was an egomaniacal asshole.
Snowboard Champ Louie Vito and Chelsie are next. On first meeting he is stoked to find someone almost as short as he is. They will be doing the Foxtrot. He says its harder than he thought it would be. So is this recap. Off they go.
I think I saw this guy in a movie.
When did Pea in the Pod start sponsoring?
He seems a little stiff and her dress looks like it’s eating her. Carrie Ann says she can tell he has never danced before but she enjoyed it. Oh good grief, GrouchyPants says “Your hair may be alright for bouncing about in the snow but it’s not for ballroom.” Take a shit already dude. Having said that he like it. Loono that it was like watching a little puppet. There is something wrong with that dude.
How dare you have HAIR you little whippersnapper! I’ll bet you don’t have to pee sitting down either! WHY YOU!
Usless blithers on and the the judges announce their scores. Carrie Ann-6. GrouchyPants-7. Loono-6. Total 19.
I weel toss you roun like wet noodyle!
Next up is Michael Irvin and Anna D. He’s a NFL Hall of Famer and she’s a…dancer. He tells us he decided to do the show because of his rivalry with Jerry Rice lol. She makes him hula hoop. They will be doing the Cha Cha Cha.
Tough to beat.
However, if you make this face all season you should be fine.
Can I have your number?
F you then, cock tease.
London Bridges has never been so sexy.
The hula hoop worked!
GrouchyPants says it wasn’t a great first dance. He gets boo’d. Loono says he has a great presence but his footwork sucked along with other things. Carrie Ann says he has more charisma than Jerry Rice then she blames Anna for lack of content. Scores. Carrie Ann-5. GrouchyPants-4. Loono-4. Total 13. Double ouch. And lots of boos.
And now, in his long awaited return to TV….Mr. Roeper!
Tom Delay and Cheryl are next. Tom Delay. Seriously? Why? Nobody wants to see politicians dance. Especially not old ass politicians. Hell I don’t want to hear him speak either. OMG they are doing the Cha Cha Cha. Kill me now. He’s afraid he might embarrass himself. Lord knows no politician has ever done that. Sheesh lets get this over already.
If he had partnered with Darth Cheney he might actually have a shot.
That’s it. I quit. He’s dancing to Wild Thing. And I may have to gouge my eyes out. Cheryl’s half naked as usual to try to distract from the hideousnous but it is NOT WORKING! OMG I think he’s drunk. He has to be. Because he’s actually shaking his ass like he thinks he can! I’m going to need therapy. Lots and lots of therapy!
Who’s let themselves go more? You decide.
If you’re still wondering why the Republicans are out of power….No one votes for Depends Lines.
When he finally goes to jail for breaking campaign finance laws, I hope it’s in this vest.
I’m never getting a blowjob again.
Why do the producers hate Cheryl enough to do this to her? And why does Cheryl hate leopards enough to do this to them? I guess my question is…never mind. Let’s just keep the HATE part.
All the red states just reached for their muffin tops in empathy.
Loono tells him he’s crazier than Sara Palin but what little cha cha he did was good. Carrie thought it was surreal but amazingly good. GrouchyPants thinks basically the same. And then Tom Delay shakes his ass at GrouchyPants.
That was slightly less disgusting than the young midget’s long flowy hair.
So what was it like replacing Mr. Ferley, sass ass?
Due to flood coverage I missed what scores were given. Hopefully they will re tell at the end of the show.
Or you could ask, Passive Agresso.
Tom Burgermeistermeisterburger goes to talk to the women about the guys.
Fuck you, Tom.
He asks Lil’ Satan Kelly what she thinks of the judges’ comments. She is very diplomatic because she isn’t stupid and knows she will be judged tomorrow night.
Get Gwen Stefani out from in front of that funhouse mirror. She just had a baby! Have some respect!
Time for the Relay Dances. First group of four couples are Ashley and Edyta, Chuck and Anna, Donny and Kym, Louie and Chelsie. They will be doing Salsa side by side and rated 1-4 and scored accordingly. Those scores will be added to their first scores.
Lots of filler practice. And off they go. I’m getting so dizzy. And the results are…. Carrie Ann says Donny smoked them, Chuch knows how to work a woman, (told ya she needs to get laid) and that Louie was fun. GrouchyPants says Ashley’s was a dance only a father could love, and Loono says that Donny was shaking like the king of Puerto Rico. And then he shouts Viva Americana or some kind of shit.
Told you it was a threat!
EW. You know he makes this face when he has vanilla Mormon sex.
He’s like six foot!
Way to find out what’s over the Rainbow.
Useless gathers all four couples while the judges contemplate the rankings. Most agree Donny ran away with it. And the results are in 4th place with 4 points is Ashely & Edyta. In 3rd place with 6 points is Chuck & Anna. In 2nd place with 8 points is Louie and Chelsie and in 1st place with 10 points is Donny and Kym.
With your hands up like that you’re the tallest one!
Second half of the Relay Dance is Aaron & Karina, Mark & Lacey, Tom & Cheryl and Michael & Anna T. More practice filler. This group will be dancing the Viennese Waltz. There are no words to describe Tom Delay trying to practice not to mention getting caught staring at Cheryl’s ass. And off they go.
He can pull off that douchey behavior only because his pants are above where his rib cage is.
Please make Tom Delay stop pointing at me.
Stop flirting with Bruno, twink.
If it’s the back of the hand, it’s not molestation.
Now let’s reverse this and watch Cheryl get squashed like a bug and then pointed at.
If you’re going to insist on using a rock as deodorant, please keep your arm down.
There’s always one bridesmaid who looks like crap in the dress. Poor Cheryl.
GrouchyPants thinks Tom was a little bit skippy for him, and he thought Mark had great control and attempted a full move fleckle? Look dammit, I told you I know nothing of dance! Loono thinks Aaron had great rotation, Mark had great lines, Michael was better. Carrie Ann thought Michael and Anna were also better, Aaron was nice and had great lines, Mark has the potential to be fantastic he just needs to breathe and she calls Tom Delay very elegant, “A hot thing and wild thing.” Off to see Useless they go while the judges confer.
Useless has noticed that the judges have lightened up. I blame vodka. Then she makes small talk and tries to cause an argument. To the judges. 4th place with 4 points, Tom and Cheryl. 3rd place with 6 points is Michael and Anna. 2nd place with 8 points Mark and Lacey. And that means 1st with 10 points is Aaron and Karina.
As Useless reminds us all these scores will be added to your votes as well. So vote. Or don’t. In the meantime I hope you will forgive my virgin attempt at recapping this show. It will get easier right? RIGHT?
I have a feeling that’s a no.