Dancing With The Stars: Fruit Bar

Hello sweeties! It’s night two of Dancing With The Stars. Tonight it’s the women’s turn to strut their stuff or bust their asses. Either way works for me. Let’s jump right on in.

This guy needs his own spinoff.

***Hey Guys! This is round two of the week with our partnering on recaps! Cheries’s got the recap section and Flipit’s got picture and caption duty! Enjoy and thanks for being here!

Tonight starts off with Tom explaining everything that happened last night. Thanks Tom. I had almost blocked out Tom Delays ass shaking so thanks for refreshing my nightmare. Again we open with a group number this time of women and about 400 mutilated pink ostriches. It’s starting to look more like a strip club and at the end the audience screams and throws dollar bills onstage.

At first I think “this isn’t very clean”, but then I remember we’re in Girls Girls Girls. You want clean go to the opera.

This girl almost broke her back for the nickel on the floor. Desperation isn’t flattering on anyone, honey!

Girl fight! Blondie’s about to get her shins kicked in!

Poor Cheryl is being forced to stretch more if she wants to keep her job.

The thong is supposed to go outside the dress.

Floor, meet chlamydia.

Wanna take home the most coins in a stripper fight? Put glue on your dress.

Poor Cheryl’s back is out. Someone get her an aspirin.

Up in the cheap seats Tom and Useless tell us that they have a cast so big it takes 2 nights to show them all. Uh duh. That would explain why this is NIGHT 2! Here we go with intros. Since we already ran down that list last night I’m pretty sure you know who’s on the show. After that again we have the line up of couples making camera faces and thumbs up and looking like dorks.

Is that double peace, four, or bunny ears? Stupid Ashley.

Try as they will, and try as they might, who steals me gold won’t live through the night.

Uh oh. Who left the box of wine in Macy’s dressing room? Sabotage!

The hand signals are all original tonight. This one is “peace, loser!”

Tonight’s ladies night y’all. They will get to do 2 dances each just like the guys did. They will be doing Salsa and Viennese Waltz. And don’t forget the Relay Dances at the end where 4 couples at a time will be dancing side by side and ranked 1-4. Is everyone ready? The crowd sure is because they are screaming their asses off.

Up first is Debi Mazaar and Maks. Debbie tells us she is best known for her role on Entourage. Oh so that’s why I didn’t recognize her. Haha she then tells us she actually was on a dance show once before called Graffiti Rock. And they show a clip. She says when she looks back on it she’s like “Oh my God.” You and me both sister.

LOVE

Stop flirting with me.

God he’s hot. I’m gonna hold my face back tight every time I’m in the same room as him.

Wait. You’re not Flipit. I quit.

First thing’s first. I’ll turn off the air conditioner and you might wanna take that extra ten pounds of hair off. You’ll hurt your back.

See? Isn’t that better?

Can you blame her?

Maks tells us that basically women need to shut the hell up and do what he says. Anything you say sweet cheeks! On their first meeting she won’t shut up and since he likes his women to be seen and not heard this frustrates him. (Dude I am sitting over here quiet as a mouse) Seriously she won’t shut the hell up. I’d say it’s time for duct tape.

Finally they begin their Salsa. The bottom of her dress was made out of Carrot Top’s hair and he looks delicious. Uh oh she just went and shook her hooters at Loono. Poor Carrot Top’s hair is mostly all over the floor now but I think they did pretty well. Considering movement makes me dizzy as hell and all.

He should do every move right in front of her like this. Ratings? Through the roof.

Oh no she didn’t! Get me a bat!

I have no caption for this but it’s the best ass shot so far so you’re welcome.

GrouchyPants thinks they need to work on her hip action and her flat feet. But he likes her enthusiasm. That means he enjoyed her boobies. Loono hops up and tells Debi that “you can wok dos bazoom like nobody else”. He too thinks she has potential but needs work. I wish she’d take that bird feather off her head. Carrie Ann expected a lot more sass and could tell what she was thinking by her face.

What do you mean?

Aw he holds her face skin back for her! Now that’s partnership.

Get your eyes off Maks and say something, perv.

Useless it seems is wearing Scarlett O’Hara’s dress made from drapes and shredded tin foil accessories. She tells them that being first out is always the worst. On to the scores. Carrie Ann-6. GrouchyPants-5. Loono-5. Total 16. The crowd aws them.

So you guys are going home first how do you feel? That was so funny of me to say. Camera are you getting me? YOU GUYS SUCK! Teeheheheee

Macy looks thrilled to be here.

Melisa Joan Hart and Mark are up next. Now I remember her. She was on that show with a cat. I miss that cat. Anyway she tells us she now has a family so you should vote for her because she has kids. Ok she didn’t say that. Mark tells us that he has 2 big bright shiny balls and he wants a third.

If these were real he’d rule Hollywood.

Muffins for sale!

On first meeting Mark tells us he was a big fan of Melissa’s because he had to be home every day to see Sabrina The Teenage Witch. EVERY.DAY. During practice Melissa steps on her own toe. So, I do that every day just walking around the house. She feels awkward and is afraid she will fall on her face. I tend to do that at least twice a week. Mark tells her she slouches too much and she tells him she has a huge deltoid. He immediately pulls his pants down and says “Nuh uh mines more huge than yours!”

There wasn’t really a tagline on Sabrina the Teenage Witch, just “dang!” faces.

They are doing the Viennese Waltz. As they start off, Melissa is already passed out face down on the stage. Oh wait it’s part of the dance.

You should only visit Macy’s dressing room after the show.

She’s dressed in a beautiful white flowing beaded gown and her hair looks great. Wait I am supposed to be making fun of these people but damn, she looks beautiful and she seems to be dancing well, but something’s nagging me. It’s that song! It’s from American Idol the year David Cook won I think. Who cares what I think, lets get to the judges.

Car washes aren’t white cuz white stains quickly.

The famous boob stare.

Loono starts out like a stern school teacher and says “Melissa, are jew nerbous?” Naw Loono she does this shit daily. He says it was prim, proper but lacked magic. Where the hell is that cat when you need it? He tells her to watch her shoulders because it spoils the line of the dance.

Dang!

GAWD this show is boring when I’m not on it.

He gets boos. From me and the audience. Carrie Ann, who is wearing old orange and lemon peels sprayed with WD-40 says that she had “moments” but it was choppy. GrouchyPants who is wearing the suit he will be buried in starts off as the Grinch because he hates all things “sweet and sickly”. He tells her she kept her hold occasionally but her foot work sucked and all in all it was ok. Is he always this all over the place or is Paula Abdul under the table feeding him lines?

Useless asks Melissa if after being raked over the coals by old Iron Knickers, as Tom called him, she regretted coming on the show. She says no she had a blast. Yes I love people to throw insults at my work…wait, I am a recapper. Oh shit I am as sick as she is! On to the scores! Carrie Ann-6. GruchyPants-6. Loono-6. Total 18.

So what’s it like being on TV? Teeheeheehee

Next up is Mya who describes herself as an actor and Grammy award winning recording artist. She’s been tapping since 5 but has never done ballroom so this should be interesting. Dmitry is her partner and he kindly starts his intro half naked which is always appreciated. Mya thinks he is the perfect partner because she seriously wants to bang him. Or words to that effect. They are having trouble adjusting and at one point Mya tells him she is getting caught in his pants. Ha! You aren’t the first to try that little trick missy!

We have a winner!

No seriously. I’m stuck on your zipper.

They too will be dancing the Viennese Waltz and as the music starts I notice her dress has a big bow where her boobies should be. I’m not liking it as much as Melissa’s. Dmitri might as well not being wearing a shirt because it’s see thru anyway. Wow, I’m actually impressed and I don’t even know if she did anything right.

If he had matching pants this outfit would be perfect.

Carrie Ann is thrilled and screams “Way to set the bar tonight.” She just cannot get her mind off phallic symbols can she? Anyway she says her lines were great and basically it was beautiful.

Like a penis. There, I said it!

Old GrouchyPants says he’s in a predicament here. (Paula must have crawled away and he’s not sure if he should say something mean or nonsensical.) To those of you who understand dance what he says will make sense. I hope. He says the three bars they did he did not like, the further you go from the..and he starts getting boos from the audience and Loono tries to but in but and shouts “It was magnificent!” GrouchyPants says “Tom it’s my go, and the further you go from the roots of a dance the more you lose. This was not a Viennese Waltz.” Loono is out of his chair screaming “That was artistry!” The crowd agrees with Loono. Holy shit GrouchyPants says that the crowd is NOT the judge, they are and they can judge when they come home and he blames Dmitri for letting Mya down by not doing a Viennese Waltz.

They’re only saying artistry this many times because they’re trying to summon Paula. You know her ass will be on this show before season’s end.

Artistry.

Holy shit who knew this shit could get this violent? Somebody throw a chair quick! Tom tries to settle the situation by asking GrouchyPants if he had been to three bars tonight? Laughter ensues. All is well again. Damn.

Do you guys like green or blue better? Teeheeheee

Over to Useless trying to get Mya to says something bad about GrouchyPants but she keeps it classy and says she respects the judges. Scores are Carrie Ann-8. GrouchyPants-5. Loono-8. Total 21.

Up next is Kathy Ireland and Tony. Kathy is a super Mom and works and builds space ships in her spare time. Oh and she got a little fat so she decided DWTS was the way to get in shape.Tony is determined to bring the best out of his partners. On first meeting Kathy tells him she cannot dance and he sees this as a plus since it means she has no bad habits. She tells us she has no coordination so this should be fun.

Is it me or is she kinda morphing into Meredith Viera?

They will be dancing the Salsa. To me she looks beautiful but something about that dress makes me itchy.

Aw she trusts him.

She wasn’t kidding about that whole lack of coordination thing.

Happy marriages should be kept private, k?

GrouchyPants thinks she has the potential to do better but that was far too careful. Loono says she can sell most anything but not the Salsa. He says it looked like she was treading on egg shells and then he stands and says “Sex, sex, sex! With Salsa it is sex and with no sex it isn’t salsa.” Carrie Ann says she has great posture but she is too stiff and needs to loosen up. Loono adds he likes a loose woman. I could say so many things right now. But I won’t. Except I have a sister and a Mom who’s available. Call me!

Over to Usless, blah blah blah, Kathy thanks God and then the scores. Carrie Ann-6. Gp-5. Loono-5. Total 16.

Do you guys like leggings or tights? Teeheehee

Next up is Natalie Coughlin and Eric. She was the first American female to win 6 medals in one Olympics. In Bejing. Alec is the original DWTS champ. Practice looks painful but it’s finally time for their Salsa.

Swimming cheese.

Hunchback Diaries

My breath ok?

He’s not looking at her boobs! What a gentleman.

Already I hate the music. I hate her dress. She’s basically taller than he is. Let’s see what the judges say. Loono calls her the million dollar mermaid then shoots her down and tells her she freezes. Carrie says she’s a diamond in the rough and GP says he’s a bit bewildered and I do believe he says he thinks it’s “time for me bath”. Then he basically says that the Salsa is supposed to be sexy and with all these good looking girls coming out he just isn’t seeing it. Scores-Carrie Ann-7. GP-6. Loono-6. Total 19.

Up next is Macy Grey and Jonathan. Macy explains she’s a Grammy winner. Yes I know. Just don’t know why. Sue me I can’t stand her voice. On first meeting she and Jonathan say some shit but since I can’t understand most of what Macy said lets just get to the dance. After hopping around the globe incoherently, she and Jonathan finally make it back so they can show America what she’s got. Which turns out to be a whole lot of nuffin!

I like bubbles. That rhymes with nubbles. What are nubbles? I like the smell of burning.

Macy wake up. Macy? Macy?

Zzzzzzzzzz

You’re still here? I thought you were a dream. A bad one. Can we smoke now?

They shall be dancing Viennese Waltz. Ok, well she didn’t fall down. That’s always a plus. But damn, I’ve seen horses with more grace than this chick has. Tom yells out “That was charming.” That means he’s afraid she’s gonna kick his ass.

Cover your mouth when you yawn, rude.

LOL second yawn. I love this woman.

Macy has a serious twitch problem. Carrie Ann either doesn’t notice or is too afraid to say it. What she does say is that there is something fascinating to watch about her. Yeah like watching that bulldog that can skateboard. She tells her it was innocent and pure in it’s own bizarre way. GP says that there is a vulnerability about her and a charm and if he was at home he would be voting for her. WHAT? There is definitely vodka in these bitches drinks. Loono says “You are endearing. It was like watching a child taking it’s first steps into a scary new world.” Then he starts singing and I am fearing for my own sanity. Finally he tells her to work on her technique.

Mama? MAMA?!?

Useless yik yaks about touring and crap while Spacy Macy twitches all over the place and then mumbles some shit about practicing for weeks and finally getting her cherry busted. I did NOT make that up.

Scores-Carrie Ann through tears of laughter squeaks out a 6. GP-4. Loono-5. Total 15.

While the judges are still cracking up and Useless tries to kill some time Macy scratches her crotch. I did NOT make that up either.

Please let her win this whole thing.

Next up is Joanna Krupa and Derek. She’s a model and he tells us “I’m rough. I’m tough. I’m Derek Hough.” Ok now I’m gonna need some vodka. On first meeting, Derek can barely form coherent words. All he sees is girl boobies and the possibility of a camel toe. They always make practice look like tortuous hell so lets skip to the dance and see what they can do.

Ellen Degenerous has never looked good in yellow, but Portia can pull it off.

Sons of Dorkarchy

Salsa is what they will be dancing but I do not approve of the killing of Big Bird for Joanna’s outfit. The dance looked great to me but what the hell do I know? Apparently more than I thought cause Old Grouchy Pants is grinning from ear to ear and says that finally they have seen a hot smoking salsa! Loono says “What a specimen! That was sexy. That was saucy that was what salsa should be”. He compliments Derek on his choreography. Carrie Ann agrees. She thought it was hot! Then her JackRabbit runs out of batteries and she has to break for commercial.

This girl needs to come to my apartment and shake like that. I haven’t dusted in ages.

Over to Useless. She tells them that they have uplifted Len’s spirits. Yeah I bet something else lifted up as well. Chit chat crap and now scores. Carrie Ann-8. GP-8. Loono-8. Total 24. Screams all around!

Up next is Kelly Osbourne and Louis. Kelly says she wanted to be on DWTS to prove she could be a lady after all. And in case you’ve been living under a rock yes she is the daughter of the one and only Ozzy Osbourne! Hang on, I gotta play Crazy Train. Louis says he’s been gone a few seasons but now he’s back and ready to shake things up.

OMG OMG OMG!! Louis goes to the house and rings the bell and Ozzy answers! LOLOLOL God only knows what he said other than when he screamed “SHARON!”

Later at the studio as they are practicing Kelly tells us the best way to describe herself as a dancer right now is crap. How can you not love her? She tells us that “This rockers daughter wants to prove she has what it takes to be a graceful lady.”

Then she picked a boogar out of her nose and ate it. She didn’t even offer to share. Lots of grace work ahead.

They will be dancing the Viennese Waltz. Kelly is wearing a dark blue gown with fitted bodice and lace and also some beading with a pink scarf for a little pop of color. Holy shit flipit just invaded my brain with his Project Runway info. Anyway they are dancing to “Trouble”. The crowd is loving it. So am I. And I’m also a little shocked that she’s this good.

On the cheek?!? Rip off!

Who let her in?

Sharon and Ozzy are clapping like crazy and so is LaToya for some reason. Kelly runs over and kisses her crying Mom.

Ow my face.

Loon says “Kelly, I cannot believe my eyes. The wild child rock princess, transformed into a vision of grace, elegance and the waltz of impeccable style.” Carrie Ann says Mom & Dad Osbourne should be very proud. Mom has her head buried in Ozzy’s lap. No not because of that! Carrie Ann does mention that Kelly’s foot did come off the ground however. GP says “I’ll be very brief. It was the best Viennese Waltz of the night.” Causing Kelly to open her mouth so wide I bet her jaw cracked and Papa Osbourne jumped to his feet clapping.

Over to Useless who’s crying. Kelly’s crying. I’m getting ready to. Scores- Carrie Ann- 7. GP-8. Loono-8. Total 23.

Back from commercial Tom is talking to Ozzy and Sharon. He asks Ozzy what it felt like to watch Kelly dance like that. Ozzy says “Well seeing that I don’t know much about dancing just to see my daughter was worth everything in the world to me, she was great.” Sharon is still crying but manages to say she is more than happy.

On to the Relay Dances. The first four couples up are Natalie & Alec,Kathy & Tony, Joanna & Derek, and Debi and Maks. They will be dancing the Foxtrot. Lots of practice filler.

She’s gonna sue when she sees this shot.

Graceful.

Score one for the lesbian power couple.

10 for butt. 2 for dance.

Natalie and Alec lead off and they look pretty good to me. Next out is Kathy & Tony. She seems stiff. Next come Joanna and Derek and they seem more comfortable than the first two. Last comes Debi and Maks and maybe I have a lot to learn about dance but she seemed a little well, chicken having a seizure like. Let’s see what the judges say. They say basically the same shit they said the first time these people danced. Can we get to the rankings please? No? Just a reminder, the scores from these rankings will be added to their earlier scores plus the votes received by the voting public will go towards the other half of their totals. Got it? Good.

Useless is still killing time asking if they felt more comfy this time around. Most said yes.

And the rankings are. In 4th place with 4 points Kathy & Tony. In 3rd place with 6 points Debi & Maks. In 2nd place with 8 points Natalie & Alec. And in 1st place with 10 points is Joanna & Derek. Yays and Yippies all around.

No one’s holding back your face! Here let me help.

Up next is the Cha Cha Cha Relay Dance. Dancing will be Macy & Jonathan, Melissa & Mark, Mya & Dmitri, and Kelly & Louis. More filler practice. They try their best to make it look like these people can barely walk much less dance. So let’s get to the dance please!

Pre makeover. Yikes.

First out for the Cha Cha Cha Relay is Macy & Jonathan. Remember that song Centerfold from the 80′s? Let’s just say it doesn’t help Macy look less like a horse while dancing. She looks like she can barely breathe much less move. Out next is Melissa and Mark. She starts off a little stiff but ends up doing a split that makes my hoo hoo hurt. Next out is Mya & Dmitri. Mya is good. Really good. Next out is Kelly & Louis. And yes I am prejudiced but I think Kelly ran away with it.

Yawn.



Cheeky.

This shirt isn’t see through so you two will be losing.

You scratch my butt I’ll scratch yours.

GP tells Macy her schedule seems to have caught up with her. A polite way of saying she sux. Melissa he says did far better than earlier. Mya he says had greats hips and much more confidence. And he tells Kelly she produced tonight 2 first class dances. Loono says Macy had better timing with the Cha Cha Cha. Melissa he tells”It’s good to have fun isn’t it?” Mya he grunts at and then talks about the placement of her feet as he is simultaneously trying to kill some sort of bug infestation on his desk as he keeps slapping the hell out of it. He tells Kelly he just cannot believe what he is seeing. Carrie Ann tells Macy she has to work harder. She tells Melissa she is most improved. Mya she says was fantastic but “your kick was a little flaily”. Kelly she says had fantastic legwork but to watch her arms.

Tom reminds us that the results show will kick off with Mylie Cyrus (YEEEEHAAAWWW!) and a tribute to Patrick Swayze. Not to mention the double elimination at the start of the show.

Useless makes small talk while the judges decide their rankings. In 4th place with 4 points Macy & Jonathan. In 3rd place with 6 points Melissa & Mark, in 2nd place with 8 points is Kelly & Louis. (Bullshit) Which means in 1st place with 10 points is Mya & Dmitry.

Well that’s it folks. Until Flipit’s results recap that is.

Love and Smooches!

And Patrick Swayze R.I.P. With Love