Tonight on Dancing With the Stars Results, the tanning machine in George Hamilton’s guest room is plugged back in and Kathy Ireland re-signs her deal with the devil.
Come on in. Couldn’t be more painful than Kelsey’s new show.
Live! From (North) Hollywood! It’s Dancing With the Stars! We open with Tom being all pissy cuz the announcer just repeated what he said. Well come on now, Tom. There’s a whole hour to fill. Tom needs a nap. He seems tired. In fact, this picture is a description of my mental state lately.
Tired and Useless
And now, on with the pic recap of the results show! Let’s start with Len!
That young whippersnapper midget angered me on Monday, but Funhouse Gwen Stefani made up for it on Tuesday! Boo too young midgets and yay to chunky bottle jobs!
Chunky Gwen doesn’t look flattered.
I know that he did not just call me Funhouse Mirror Gwen. I’m gonna have my dad slur him off.
Chunky Gwen, don’t you have a speech of thanks before you do your dance again?
I would like to thank the costume department for a dress that makes my armpit fold go up to my neck. And God, of course.
And now we dance! Again!
Toro! A bull and a bullfighter in one dress!
Put your jay away! That’s cheating!
Finally. She’s graduated from somewhere. Way to buck the family tradition, kid!
Still not gonna make out with me? Sad horns.
Who punched Sharon? Someone get her and ice pack stat.
Speaking of last night, let’s talk about it again! Tom tells us that Debbie Fuck You Turtle’s number was underdanced. You think she gives a rat’s ass? She got what she came for.
You know my problem ? I just think too much.
Anyone buyin that? Me neither. Moving on.
Alright, who tp’ed Sabrina? Darn kids!
Hey what’s the secret to a lasting marriage, Sabs?
Not feeling anything.
Might be true. I can unhinge my jaw like a boa constrictor and I’m alone. BTW that dance sucked ass.
If all this toilet paper wasn’t holding me back I would have kicked that queen’s ass.
And now to the next couple.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?!? I don’t recognize either one of you from anything! This show is about STAAAHHHHS!!! Spit! Paphewy! Blech! Youth! ARGH! Ow my heart. Ow. Dying. Not kidding. Someone get me a shot of something.
Len’s hilarious even while he’s calling us hacks and possibly dying.
Die already, Methusala! DIIIIIIEEEEE! That is Eddie Cibrian from Third Watch! How DARE YOU!
I’m the star, k?
No you aren’t, sister.
Stupid Irish model. If you’re gonna steal a move, Tom DeLay wouldn’t be the one to steal from.
Der wass no sayx in dees dance!
Not to argue, but doesn’t masturbation kinda count as sex?
Yay! The judges gave us their numbers! That’s success in my book!
That number totally flattened my hair.
Come on, Macy. Get in the car. And no. You’re not driving. Stop making a scene!
You were so genuyne!
You don’t even know how to pronounce genuine. Even I can pronounce it and I’m three sheets to the wind.
She just called you bizarre and you took it.
Story of my life.
Len: Finally! A dance that stirred my colostomy bag!
Johanna: Thank you!!
He wasn’t talking to you, skank.
Me pot o gold hardee har haaar!
So is the kid in the doily!
Scoliosis is so romantic.
No, but I wallow with self pity in it.
Great. A truck that can remind me every day how much I don’t work out.
ABC figured since they made us sit through five hours of DWTS programming this week, they’d give us a night away from the TV.
And now for solid evidence that you don’t have to be thin or talented to be famous.
“You should love me for my inner.” LOL. No. But I can love you for your money. How’s that?
OK so let me get this straight. You’re all about fat pride but you’ll only surround yourself with hot anorexic dancers. BOOOOOOOOO!!
Right after Useless gets her jaw off the floor, she’s doing five thousand sit ups.
And now for a segment about The Losers Club. How rude! Right after the fat dude sang about accepting him for who he is! Kidding. This is about the people who get kicked off first.
It can also be used as a general term.
You may have been kicked off buddy, but in this one shining moment, we all won.
I hope they at least let you keep that shirt.
Iron Chef guy is safe! And I think he just grabbed Lacey’s ass in celebration. Sly devil!
Indoor Rug Head and Debra Messing are safe! I can’t tell if Grace is happy or not.
Donny’s safe! As instructed, his partner scrunches down to make him taller for his glorious moment.
Poor Cheryl is praying to get eliminated tonight. Can you blame her? Ferley’s not even trying to be subtle.
Have you ever seen a woman with so little to say open her mouth that wide? Good lord woman.
Glad to see someone’s been inspired tonight.
Alright Tracy Turnbladt. Sit down before you hurt yourself.
Firemen are hot until they try to pay for dinner with change. Booooooo.
Partly cloudy with a chance or jowls.
Hey it’s the stars of two of the crappiest sitcoms of the year!
Kelsey, predictably, makes it all about him.
I followed me rainbow and found ye! hardeeharhar
Please god send me home.
DeLay is safe!! HUH?? Cheryl falls in his arms sobbing.
Man those tea partiers are seriously pissed off.
Baby Tan is out!
America just spoke out against skin cancer.
Kicked off first again?!!? I still get paid for the whole season, right?
Why are you paying so much for such a horrid outfit?!? You could look just as fashionably illiterate shopping at TJ MAXX!
Now a new music video from Miley Cyrus!
I hope that gina can sing better than your sad ass.
Miley’s complaining that Britney’s always on the radio. Britney should write a retaliation song called “Buy Better Songs, LOOZA!”
This song is all about wanting to fit in at a party. Poor thing does’t even realize she’s got a pad hanging out of her short shorts.
I love that Miley doesn’t bother showing up any more.
Where did he touch you? And why are those nipples so low?
And fiber makes pooping fun!
Jesus. Kill her off already.
Uh, your doctor left a splint in your nose.
She’s this upset before they even announce anything. I hope she throws chairs and hits Maks when she loses.
Eddie Cibrian and Maya Rudolph are safe!
Someone vacuum his head. It’s almost showtime.
The circus is back in town to take midget back to work.
No I’m not from the circus! I’m here to butch this show up a little and make Bruno gay jokes!!
That’s no joke, you. Every time he passes me backstage he grabs my ass and mutters “I don’t have a gag reflex”.
Me neither what’s your POINT?!?
Bruno’s not gay! He just says that so I’ll let him share an apartment with Janet and Chrissy.
George, you look downright sickly.
And now, DWTS’ biggest production evah! The LIon King!! HUH? That’s not their production but whatever.
I don’t care if it’s a leopard. Rape is rape.
The birds I get. But that dress is a little unflattering on that dude.
And now lets welcome back the ever graceful Cloris Leachman!
When someone surprises Mariah and she ends up poking out her eye, I don’t want to hear any complaints.
If this ad ended with Emeril dumping this pot on Martha’s head, I would totally shop at Macy’s.
You’re depressed? You can either take a massive dose of medication or masturbate and binge on M&Ms like every other normal person on Earth. Sorry to be gross, but come on with these ads. You wanna know the secret to life? IT SUCKS! Now get out of bed, Agnes.
See? All better.
Unlimited access to this Peter Pan with a swing fetish for only twenty bucks a month!
Cry praying? Not flattering. God’s probably like “who is this? WHO?”
Sabrina’s safe! And she still makes that “man Caroline Rhea smells like pickles” face she made when she was thirteen!
This blonde chick is safe too! And she’s already smart enough to hide her rack.
Fuck You Turtle’s safe! And Maks isn’t happy about it! It was totally cuz of the praying.
My name’s Useless. Who are you guys?
And now for the downer news. You know who’s not safe? Patrick Swayze.
He sure took that news well.
Now for a tribute number!
Ever get that not so fresh feeling?
Sorry but you don’t have the nose for this role. NEXT!
Patrick Swayze wasn’t in Will and Grace.
He’s so sneaking in a BMI check. So rude.
I don’t remember a movie about arm jiggling. Hey, this is all Dirty Dancing! Where’s the drag queen movie tribute!?!
Oxymoron. If you had a joint, you wouldn’t have pain.
Cheryl! Put your Spanx back on! The show’s not over yet!
Honey. Don’t make any sudden moves. Go very very smoothly and quietly to the rifle closet.
Still one of the worst actresses in television history! Way to hold on to that title girl! Congrats!
The worst dancers are like flowers. Did I say flowers? I meant poo poo. Who stole the newspaper off my porch? Speaking of poop, if your dog dirties my lawn one more time I’m gonna kick it! Where am I? Oh yeah. DARN KIDS!
This dancer hates Len, and it’s hot.
Kelly’s safe! Is it raining?
Macy’s out!! WTH? I told you you should have laid down drunk through the whole number.
What are you saying? Is that English? Do you work here?
Poor confused Useless. And poor Macy! ROBBED!! Was this fair? You decide! Until next week! xo