Tonight on Dancing With the Stars Results, Joss Stone is an equal opportunity employer!
And…the Flying Midget makes a deal with the Midget Devil.
***Real life got in the way of my partner Cherie’s show recap this week, so we’ll be skipping ahead to the results pic recap! Don’t worry, she’ll be back next week!
The scores were so close last night that we are left only with hairstyles separating the simply tacky from the too hideous to live.
There are five hairstyles on this head, and they all left the scene over fifteen years ago.
Tom and Useless welcome us back. I hope this is the day Useless finally gets pushed in a pool, cuz that necklace will sink her and open her job up to someone way more qualified and fascinating, like….darn Vanna White already has a job.
Guys, how come Cheryl always looks so vacantly sad? I hope she doesn’t google herself, cuz that might be the reason and I would feel horrible. Then again, it might just be cuz she’s got Mr. Ferley breathing down her neck.
Speaking of way too self aware…
I see you watching me. And I like it.
There were five ties last night, so everyone’s a bit nervous. Maks stares at the camera, for support, Donny’s partner looks to him for support, and Donny looks to the camera wondering why it’s always on Maks and never on him.
Let’s review last night, shall we? Johanna started us off with hair. Lots and lots of hair.
It’s like The Ring. With glitter.
I am on a very loud plane as I write this so I can’t be sure, but I think he just told Johanna “I can see you’ve been fried and driven hard.”
If Len had said that, it would have been sexual harrassment, but Bruno’s gay so it was just fun and silly. How does that work, exactly? Point is, I don’t have a point. Johanna does look fried, though. At least in the hair department.
No, I can’t let it go. Sorry.
Bruno called Indoor Carpeting Head’s tango “savage”, and he wasn’t kidding. Indoor looks like he was physically abusing Grace.
This is for The Starter Wife, biatch!
Sabrina dressed in Minnie Mouse polka dots and made as many Sabrina faces as possible. I thought those faces had something to do with bad acting, but turns out it’s just her face. Poor thing.
The Flying Midget did some tricks, but no one was impressed. He is a Flying Midget with leprechaun powers, after all.
Yawn. Pass a Lucky Charms box without hiding a crap ass toy in it. That would be impressive.
Iron Chef almost boned it and fell on his face, but saved it at the last second. In related news, there is no fear of Iron Chef boning Lacey.
Fuck You Turtle Mazar did a lot better than last week, but she pushed Maks down.
And this cannot ever be forgiven. Down with Fuck You Turtle!
Mr. Furley almost dropped Cheryl on her head.
I’m sure he made this up to her later by patting her ass, calling her Chrissy, and offering to fix her sink.
Please don’t breathe on me.
Kathy Ireland was a snoozer, but the whole bullfighter reaching for a wad of Kleenex theme at least made it watchable.
Will he breathe clearly one more time before he gets gored? Stay tuned!
Have you ever wondered what Anderson Cooper would like like without those gorgeous blue eyes?
Just plain ole pasty. Boooo! Get some contacts, Anderson!
Dancing With Satan
Chunky Gwen Stefani had a fabulous week last week, but she kinda boned it this week. She’s pissed, and she’s an Osbourne so she doesn’t really hide it. Her reaction reminds me of the time Christina Aguilera started calling Jack three times a day. Someone’s gonna get cut.
Of course this time she looks like a goth Cinnabon, but otherwise the anger is just the same.
Donny impressed the judges. He impressed me too cuz I didn’t know they sold such tiny velvet suits. Cute. Why is everyone so shocked about the vagina on So You Think You Can Dance? Pussies are showcased on this show three hours a week.
Two in one shot.
Anderson Cooper told Donny that dance has no age. That’s like the fifth time someone’s said that to him and it’s only the second week. WTF? He’s not Cloris, for crying out loud.
Speaking of Cloris.
The singer on DWTS who sounds like a Muppett needed a break, so they brought in a real Muppet. One of the things that I really love about this show is I can never tell if it’s kidding or not. Anyway, Boy Band dances to The Muppet Show theme, and he’s dressed like a leprechaun. Like he’s making fun of Muppets, theme songs and the Flying Midget in one fell swoop.
OK Alice Cooper. Anyone able to name one of his songs yet? No? Just had to ask.
Maya Rudolph did great, but who cares? Her hot partner wore GLASSES!! I got a glimmer of hope that he could possibly support me one day. Hot AND smart? I really need to call Jenny.
Dude! Anderson Cooper is Baz Luhrman!! WOWEE!! Like DWTS, I’m never really sure whether or not Baz is kidding when I go check out his flicks. I do know this, though. He feeds Nicole Kidman stem cells.
Man. One bad move like Australia and you’re relegated to DWTS? Cold, Hwood. Cold.
He gets to choose which number the producers will squander time with tonight, and he chooses to see hot dork and Maya Rudolph’s jive. Because the dudes hot and has a butt you could bounce quarters off of. Or because he wants the chance to giggle on the inside at Maya’s thunder thighs. Or both.
That Maya sure knows how to open a number. They should all start like this. Except the ones with Mr. Furley.
Hold that position. Trust me. I’m a doctor. OF LOOOOVE.
It’s always hard for me to tell who’s who in the audience, cuz it all seems so surreal. People who win Oscars (recently) don’t sit in the audience of DWTS, do they? DO THEY?!
Mickey Rourke, Kym, Sandra Bullock or Joan Rivers? Or are they all really each other?
Useless Samantha is very pretty, she really is. So why does she insist on decorating herself like a carousel pony?
Very slow circles.
Donny and Kym are safe!! Kym Mickey Joan Bullock Kym Rourke is thrilled. Can you tell? Me neither. Maya Rudolph is safe! So is Boy Band! He kinda looks like Vanilla Ice in the early nineties, no? But…greener. And gayer. And less talented. Wait I take that back. That one’s a toss up. Would you rather taste barf or poop? What am I even talking about any more? This show is killing the last of my brain cells. Thank you for listening.
Tom has to share the spotlight with that piece of wood Useless on a show that belongs on Telemundo. Does it get more degrading?
Yes. Yes it does.
Now for Joss Stone!! She’s gorge as always and can sing her ass off, in that white girl pretending to be black for so long that it finally stuck in her nose and made her millions of dollars kind of a way. I went to see Joss live once. I fell asleep on the floor. I don’t know if it was her boring ass show or the roofie I slipped myself to feel attractive, but there you go. Her singers are moving their butts of various sizes off. Is the one in the middle a boy? Becoming a boy? Becoming a girl? Good lord. I don’t care what the answer is, it would just be nice to not stare and point and whisper cuz it makes me feel ignorant.
Be who you want to, just be clear about it so I can adjust my reaction, k?
I can see your tonsils!
It’s an open butt crack pupu platter!
How come the audience always goes nuts when a dude drags a girl across the floor like a spot cleaner? Frankly I find it a bit rude.
Jeeze. Just get her a leash why don’t you, heathen?
This move symbolizes a giant Muppet eating Joss’ giant singers. ART!
Most fabulous crucifiction ever.
What ever happened to Cheri O’Teri?
Joss’ bid to steal the L’OrÃ©al account from Eva. Nice!
Did you guys know that DWTS built its own training center?
It smells like feet.
We get to spend so much time together, the other contestants have become honorary Osmands! But taller. And more sinner-y.
I go from room to room collecting rent checks and making sure no one’s having inappropriate relationships on the property.
Sabrina: Member that time you saw me at The Dime and you got all wasted and tried to beat me up?
Kelly: No. Who are you?
Kelly: What a stupid name. I’m gonna kick your ass.
Is this shit over yet? I think this dress cracked another rib.
Iron Chef is safe! Random blonde girl is safe! Fuck you Turtle isn’t safe!! WAAAHHHH.
We’ll reveal their fate in five hours. Until then, Maks will stare at us hotly.
After the break, iCarly!
No. And neither is yogurt.
So wait, they didn’t kill of Heigl? WAAAAHHHHHH!!!
iCarly’s performance is being sponsored by a cow. So. Wrong.
Pick a key, slut!
In a deep recession, it’s comforting to know that fourteen year olds can get good work.
Teen version of anal.
Maybe you could ask the producers to pipe the key through that thing instead of white noise.
I need a Useless break to stop my ears from bleeding, k? BRB
You’re on camera. Air that thing out later.
The other random blonde girl is safe!
YAY! Next week I’m gonna have ten hairstyles!
Michael is safe! Only six more couples to go! apsodigjwegag
That chicken was raised headless and footless in a tiny cage and fed donkey poop through an IV. Enjoy!
Unthink is my new favorite word.
Or you could just blow snot rockets all over the sidewalk, like the old Armenian dude across the street from my apartment.
I wanna bang the repair guy! What should I do?
We’ll send over an SUV. Giant back seats.
Yes, ABC. Hilarious.
We’re back! Indoor Rug Head and Grace are safe! Joan Rivers is thrilled!
Sabrina is safe! Chunky Gwen Stefani is safe!
But I have a feeling when she gets back to the dressing room, that Cinnabon on her head won’t be safe.
Lucky Charms? NOT SAFE!!
OW. God get me out of this thing. I can’t move my lungs.
The pros have to really work hard to make the “stars” ballroom dancers, don’t cha know.
Fail. You’re fired. And put on some deodorant.
You move heeps I stare at booby.
Fuck you Turtle!
I wasn’t looking at anything.
Don’t speak. Don’t speak.
Yikes. In HD she looks like Martin Short.
Who stole the Vicodin from the greenroom?
And now for a word from Bob Greene!
Sure this job can be taxing, but I’m really sick of coming up with diets for Oprah to cheat on.
Yes, Grace. You should be very afraid.
So Donny, how’d you break into showbiz?
I’ve lost three ribs and there’s still half an hour to go! Let’s watch a marching band!
300! But with too much clothing.
The tuba section will be the first to get their arms ripped off.
I’ve got my money on the yellow jackets. Kick their asses!
Send that one back to my dressing room.
Queen, I’m gonna have to stop inviting you to dinner parties if you keep stealing the furniture.
Dude. Go to Amazon.com. Search for “shame”. Then get some. They’ll deliver it to you.
And now, more Joss!
I don’t think Sandra Bullock liked it. Sorry Joss!
Mr. Ferley is safe! Cheryl’s not though. She’s got at least another week of creepy breathing on her neck. Ireland not safe!
Thanks for sharing.
Wear a condom.
Most bored news anchor ever.
The next person safe is… the Flying Midget!! So is Fuck You Turtle! LATA IRELAND!!
Thanks Useless! It is hilarious that I got kicked off!
I’m gonna kick America’s ass for putting me in the bottom two.