Dancing With The Stars: Four new ways to make an ass out of yourself!

This week on Dancing With The Stars: Our couples will be assigned one of four never before seen dance styles! Lambada! Cheesier than porn! Bolero! What the eff is that? Country 2-Step! Get the soon to be released instructional video at Walmart! Charleston! Just for Donny Osmond!

I must have really pissed someone off to get assigned this ridiculous shit, but I had an extra martini or five at happy hour tonight so why the eff not? My husband thinks reality shows are the scourge of intelligent society, but after watching five minutes of this with me, he vowed to never talk shit about my obsession with So You Think You Can Dance ever again. So at least the entire night wasn’t a waste.

I’m a DWTS virgin, more than I can say for this chick:

Before we can get started tonight, let’s review what happened last week: Debi Mazar, who I love, was kicked off for having the lowest score.

Tom DeLay left due to stress fractures in his feet, with the encouragement of his partner, Cheryl Burke. I think she knew they weren’t going to make it far anyway and was ready to cut her losses and start her off season diet of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and donuts.

Excuse my lack of DWTS experience, but I gather that all episodes start with the cattle lining up for the slaughterhouse introduction of all our “star” and professional dancer couples. Unless the vibe the producers are going for is pure camp, they might want to rethink how they have staged the presentation of these dancing duos. If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought I was watching a SNL spoof of a reality dance competition. Are all ballroom type activities this schmaltzy, or is this all ABC’s doing? Email me at nevermindidontgiveafck@gmail.com and let me know, kay?

Host Tom Bergeron informs us that with two couples gone, the stakes are higher than ever. No shit? Couldn’t that accurately be said about every consecutive week? Good to see why they pay you the big bucks, Tom.

But anyhoo…Live from Hollywood, it’s Dancing With The Stars!

Tom’s co-host, we’ll call her Boobs because I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason she’s here, heightens the drama by informing us that while they are performed in competition, tonight’s new dances are not ones that the dancers are used to choreographing or implementing.

The first couple up for ridicule tonight is UFC fighter Chuck Liddell and Anna Trebicantspellhername.

Last week, they danced a samba in which Chuck was charming, but the dance itself was “zombielike.” This week they’ve been assigned the Country 2-Step. In rehearsals, Anna asks Chuck if he knows anything about the 2-Step, and he says his Mom likes to 2-Step, so this should be nothing if not fun.

This week, all dancers are allowed to do lifts, and Chuck hopes this is to his advantage, as it is a chance for him to use his size and strength for something other than getting in the way. We see some rehearsal footage of Chuck basically just tossing Anna around, and as much as I want to talk some shit about the guy, he seems like a genuinely nice dude for someone who makes a living out of pulverizing other human beings.

Chuck and Anna 2-Step to “Boot-Scootin’ Boogie,” which is actually kind of a fun song when it’s not being slaughtered by some shitty house band. The dance itself is awkward, sloppy, and repetitive, but both Chuck and the chick look like they’re having fun and put a ton of personality into it.

First up for the judges’ critique is Len Goodman. I’m not familiar with this guy, but my friend Wiki says he’s a former dancer, studio owner, and all around British jackass. Fantastic. He loved Chuck’s lifts, but thought that the quality of the dance was not good.

Next judge up is Bruno. I’m only acquainted with him because I made the mistake of watching one episode his disastrous spinoff a couple of years back, Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann. I distinctly remember turning it off in favor of washing out my kid’s cloth diapers, so that has to tell you something.

Bruno is pleased because the dance actually looked very much like a two step, and what Chuck lacked in technique he made up for in performance. Carrie Ann agrees, saying that country suited Chuck, and he didn’t let the dance beat him. Right on.

Boobs meets the two back in the Red Room (redrum! redrum!) to ask them some asinine questions that don’t matter, show off her boobs, and shove a microphone in their faces while they get their scores.

Chuck and Anna end up with a final score of 17, which is not that great, but not to worry, there are some real natural selection candidates still left to dance, so they may not end up on the bottom yet.

We return after the commercial to actress Melissa Joan Hart and dancer Mark Balls (freudian slip, his last name is actually Ballas, but I like my typo better) doing the Charleston. It’s Clarissa! I was never into her Sabrina years, but Clarissa Explains It All and that movie she did with the hairy dude from Entourage were two of my favorite things in high school. They are hoping to rebound after some tough judging regarding their samba routine last week. To be honest, they deserved the judging…they were bad, bad, bad. Actually, it was she who was bad, bad, bad. She looked stiff and heavy and had no rhythm or flow whatsoever.

Mark Balls tells Clarissa that this is a big fun dance, requiring a lot of performing and characterization, which should be right up her alley as an actress. To set the stage and get her into character, he takes her to a 20′s style lounge to rehearse.

Clarissa is totally into the flapper girl character, and figures that if she can find a way to bring the character into the dance, she’ll be able to kick their score into the roaring twenties.

The dance goes much better than I expected. Both Clarissa and Mark Balls are great performers, and have the characters and energy down pat. I think having a character to play helped Clarissa not worry so much about the actual dance steps, and she excelled.

The judges totally agreed with me. Bruno felt like he was in the 1920′s watching a flicker film, Carrie Ann thinks that they had all the footwork down, and that it was a breakthrough dance for them. Len says that the Charleston needs the 3 E’s: energy, excitement, and entertainment…and that they had all three.

Clarissa finally breaks into the 20′s like she wanted, as she and M. Balls end up with their highest score yet, a 28, which included their first 10. They celebrate in the redrum room as Boobs stands by aimlessly.

Up next is Olympic champion Natalie Cocklin (that’s the phonetic spelling) and her partner, stone cold fox Alec Mazo. I kept drifting into x-rated daydreams while watching their opening segment, but from what I can remember Alec likes to hit it from the backNatalie was worried because their assigned dance, the bolero, is their most difficult to date. Foxy tells Cocklin she has two choices, either they can go for it and he can teach her a more difficult routine, or she can play it safe and they will do something easier. Foxy is concerned because Cocklin tends to stiffen up everytime she learns a new dance, and he needs her to loosen up instead.

The two perform their bolero to an awful version of a Leona Lewis song I actually like. Um, yeah…it’s now obvious that Cocklin is a champion swimmer…bitch is like, eight feet tall with one of the most amazing hard bodies I have ever seen. With the hair and makeup she looks like Jessica Alba except with the ability to smile, but that’s forgivable because she is one hot piece.

Their dance was hot, IMO. Two great looking people contorting themselves into interesting positions…better than the porn I watched last night. The judges were not impressed. Carrie Ann said the more difficult routine caused Cocklin’s moves to look labored, not easy like they were last week. Len wanted more romance but overall thought it was really good, and Bruno ranted something about how Cocklin needs to act more like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.

Back with Boobs in the redrum room, they anxiously await their scores. They get three 8′s, for a total score of 24. Not bad, actually, they’ll definitely be in the top half with that.

As if tonight wasn’t bad enough, next up is Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff. You might not know this, but had a few semi-hits as a tweenybopper pop star, and is the younger brother of a Backstreet Boy. Karina is a gold digger after my own heart, banging any and all co-stars necessary to grab a few more headlines and hopefully dollars out of the deal. These two are quite the pair: Aaron looks like the after picture on Faces of Meth, and Karina is like the daughter of a New Jersey mobster and a Russian hooker. Actually, cut her leg off and she is just like that amputee Russian chick that Tony Soprano banged in season two, Svetlana.

Last week, Meth Face was all upset about the judges trashing his godawful performance. He started crying like a little bitch, and Michael Irvin had to comfort him afterwards.

Svetlana and Meth Face are ready to bounce back this week by performing DWTS‘s first ever Lambada. Oh, this is perfect. I’m sure they have both turned tricks at some point in their lives, so they are the definitely appropriate choices for The Forbidden Dance. Before MF turned to a life of drugs, he was a gymnast, so he wanted to bring some of his “moves” to the routine. Svetlana took him to a gymnastics academy, where he worked on a big backflip.

Clever Tom makes a clever, clever pun about seeing if Methie can turn last week’s frown upside down with tonight’s routine. Speaking of the routine…it was meh. More disco than Lambada, and Methie was just throwing Svettie around like a rag doll. Not much chemistry, but MF did manage to nail his back flip, good job. Len thought they should have spent more time putting raunch into their routine rather than concentrating on the back flip, and I actually agree with him…it was a very tame Lambada. Of all people, these two should have been able to at least produce some soft core shit, you know?

Bruno spewed craziness as usual, you really don’t even need to know what he had to say, it never makes sense anyway. I think homeboy’s been taking too many Adderall and forgetting to chase it with the wine, you know what I mean? Carrie Ann thinks that Meth Face moves well, but is trying too hard and that it turns people off. There’s a lot here that turns me off, but I’m not sure that was one of the issues. The two end up with a total score of 18, and even I think they got screwed, but at least Methie is able to hold back the waterworks.

Let’s cleanse our palates with the next couple, dancer Lacey Schwimmer and Iron Chef star Mark Dacascos. Yeah, I didn’t know who in the eff he was either. I do know Lacey though, and I adore her. I totally had a girl crush on her during SYTYCD season 3. She’s funny, adorable, and hot.

These two had it rough last week, they danced a very awkward rumba in which the Karate Kid looking mofo had trouble connecting with his partner and the audience. They are hoping to make a comeback tonight with the Country Two-Step. Lovely Lacey thinks they could improve by worrying a little less about all of the technical details and more about just having fun and enjoying the experience. Karate Kid’s a total freak show, saying it’s impossible to calm down and running around like a three year old that just snuck a soda out of the fridge. He is finally able to calm down and really connect with Lacey’s choreography after a surprise visit from his admittedly very adorable children.

I may be blinded by my love for Lacey, but I thought their routine was really cute. Karate Kid can move, has great extensions, and Lacey’s choreography is adorable and showcases both of their strong points. Bruno spouted some mess about Mark finding his confidence, Carrie Ann agreed and thought it was the best two step of the night, and Len loved Lacey’s choreo (great minds think alike!) and their energy.

In the redrum room, Lacey and KK pat Boobs on the head and smile and wait for the judges’ decision. They receive a 22, which is their highest score ever and middle of the road.

My love fest continues with our second Charleston of the night, danced by Kelly Osbourne and her professional partner, Louis Van Amstel. I just adore Kelly, I think she is so real and likeable and tells it how it is, and is as grounded as one can be in her life. She struggled with confidence last week, with all of the judges commenting on her lack of it. This week, Louis is choreographing their Charleston with a Broadway vibe, using Cabaret for inspiration. Kelly loves musicals, and was cast as Roxy for the Broadway performance of Chicago, but lost the role due to her lack of dancing skills. She would like to redeem herself this week by proving to everyone she can indeed dance. Her adorable partner Louis knows Kelly is stronger and capable, she just needs to believe in herself and she will do it!

As much as I want to give their routine rave reviews, I can’t. It was definitely decent, but not the strongest of the night by any means. I really like Louis’ choreo, I’ve seen it here and on SYTYCD and it’s good. He was able to pull off a silly routine without making it cheesy. Kelly was good, and played the role well, but was definitely running out of steam towards the end, which made her footwork a little heavy, and a little messy. But overall okay. As for the judges who are, you know, professionals, they had this to say: Carrie Ann thought it was very exciting and they played their roles perfectly, Len would have liked some less flat footwork but loved Kelly’s confidence, and crazy Bruno loved the Cabaret-style and thought it was a great performance. I thought the judges went kind of easy on them, whether they were trying to boost Kelly’s confidence or worried about Mama Sharon O whipping a trick out in the audience, I’m not sure.

After dodging Boobs and her plastic mammaries, Kelly and Louis watch as the judges award them a score of 23, which is better than last week and keeps them in contention.

Next up, to make you feel even worse for eating that entire bag of chips while watching this shit, is Joanna Krupa, swimsuit model; and Derek Hough, pro dancer. I don’t really like Joanna Poopa, if you can manage to come off as a C-U-Next-Tuesday while bitching out Terrell Owens of all godforsaken people, you officially suck. I’m ambivalent about Derek, homeboy has got a serious case of the gayface, yet comes off as totally straight in his personality segments. I think he was created by Mattel in their factory as a human version of the Ken doll. He looks just fucking like him, and I think the contradictory gayface and horniness for women indicates he has no genitalia, just like Ken, and is just confused. Poor Ken doll.

Joanna Poopa and Ken Doll are dancing the Lambada tonight. Last week, these two genetically superior partners had a very well reviewed samba, and their goal this week is to improve and get their first ten. Ken Doll wants to bring it and stand out, so is making his choreography more difficult. The ABC/Disney machine puts their Ken Doll clone to work by having him pimp one of their charities during the personality segment. Ken and Poopa wash some dogs, and look good for the minivan majority at home. After that wholesome goodness, it’s time for their performance fo the Forbidden Dance.

Right before the start of the routine, Ken Doll takes his shirt off, and I’m instantly mesmerized. Homeboy is uber hot for a robot. The routine is technically sound, and danced well. Ken Doll has a way of making his choreo look more difficult and interesting than it really is, which works out well for the personality deficient Poopa.

Our esteemed panel of judges are impressed by the robot dance. Len wants an encore tomorrow night, says it was a bit repetitive but good. Bruno jumps over the table, spouting out something about animals and Lithium. Carrie Ann says she hopes all the children were in bed, and Clever Tom bites back with, “I bet now some of the adults are.” Well played, Clever Tom. Carrie Ann says it worked well for them, because their whole dance was fueled by the “crotch area”, which is how the Lambada is supposed to be.

Poopa and Ken Doll are disappointed not to receive their first ten, but are otherwise happy with their total score of 26, which puts them among the leaders.

To help you with your constipation, next up is Donny Osmond and his partner, Kym Johnson. I used to be an Osmond fan way back in the day, but it’s been awhile since I’ve seen Donny around…and holy shit, he rivals only like, Bruce Jenner for the most fucked with face in Hollywood. He looks like he was put back together after a fiery car crash or some shit. Damn, Gina…the only place I’ve seen more plastic is in my wallet.

Donny and Kym have been chosen to do the Charleston tonight, which is surely a setup, because really, who wants to see Donny do the Lambada? Exactly. According to Kym, Donny is a perfectionist, which for him translates to throwing yourself down on the floor and having a bigger tantrum than my four year old does when I tell her no more cookies. Unlike her, I didn’t give birth to Donny, so he’s lucky I’m not his partner or I would have smacked him and told him to STFU. When Kymmy’s too old and fat to dance, she should consider a career as a preschool teacher. She is totally patient and diffuses Donny everytime he gets all riled up, which is so lucky for him, and ABC, who would just jizz in their pants if someone as wholesome and media friendly as Donny won this show.

So I guess last week Bruno accused Donny of having “airy fairy” arms, which Donny took as an invitation to make out, and it probably was.

After you’re done bleaching that image out of your eyeballs, we can get back to this week. Their Charleston routine was actually quite good, as it obviously played to Donny’s years of performing experience. The guy can move, has rhythm, and can put on a good show.

Thanks to last week’s sexual favors, the judges are on Donny’s side. His lover Bruno says the routine captured a showman in his element, and was a great performance. Carrie Ann liked that they were totally in sync, she caught one screw up by Donny but overall was excellent. Len made some little rhyme about the routine being good, blah, blah.

In the redrum room, I thought they were taping an episode of Nip/Tuck, but alas, it was just our two favorite surgery victims, Boobs and Donny. The two rack up a score of 24, which is an improvement from last week and puts them near the top of the leaderboard. Time for a commercial, and I can run out to my garage and dig up my old Marie Osmond doll.

Feel free to nap through this next couple like I did, but it’s time for Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova. Irvin is as boring on the dancefloor as he was intimidating on the football field. Michael and Anna will be performing the bolero for your snoring pleasure tonight. To try and drum up a personality segment tonight, Anna invites fellow DWTS pro Tony Dovolani in to help Michael catch the feeling of the dance, as Tony is a former world champion in the bolero. Tony tries to make Michael exude passion and regard Anna as his lover, but sorry kids, no boners here. Shit just ain’t happening. They may be able to pull off a miracle on stage, but I’m doubting it.

And it was as lackluster as I had expected. No fluidity, no spark, no real dancing. We expect Michael to suck, but I think one of the biggest problems with tonight was the lack of choreography by Anna. Most of the other pros, if they know they’re not going to be able to get anything out of their partner, will at least throw in low-skill, high-profile moves for the amateur to do while they dance around them to distract the audience from the lack of ability. Anna failed miserably in that respect.

Because I am awesome and all-knowing, all three judges agreed with me. Carrie Ann actually saw the romance (what is that bitch drinking back there?) but said there was not enough dancing and too much posing. Len tried to make them feel better by saying the bolero was the most difficult dance assigned tonight, and as a consolation, they will improve on the 4 he gave them last week. Bruno tried to say something intelligible about wanting his dance skill to improve, but starting drooling too much and had to give up.

I think the judges will go easy on Michael because he’s a truly nice guy, and not a douchebag like Meth Face. They do, relatively, giving he and Anna a 16, which is actually a step up from last week.

The first of our last two couples are up, and it’s pro dancer Chelsie Hightower leading pro snowboarder Louie Vito. Oh, these two are just so cute I want to play with them like little dolls and have them get married and carry them around in my pocket. They are both hobbit sized, and Louie is as cute as Chelsie is a little hottie. Chelsie was one of my faves on her season of SYTYCD, and I’m glad she’s parlayed that exposure into a pro career.

These two have a cute little chemistry going on between them, and that might be what is fueling rumors on the gossip blogs that they have a little showmance going on.

Tonight, Blondie Chelsie and Louie will be performing the Country Two Step, and Blondie is a bit concerned because she has never done the country two step before and our snowboarding hobbit is not exactly the cowboy type, what with his little dwarf tattoos and all. To help bring out his inner cowboy, Blondie brings Louie to meet her partner from last season, Ty Murray. Ty is a nine time world champion bull rider, so there is no one better to help our little hobbit cowboy up. Ty assures Blondie that if she could turn him into a dancer, he can turn our Hobbit into a cowboy.

Louie comes out dressed as a cowboy, and Ty cracked that he looked like his mini-me, but with long hair, and he was dead on. The first non-forced funny moment of the whole show. Ty shows Hobbit the ropes of being a cowboy, and he is sure that in addtion to getting all of Ty’s chores done for him, he is now ready to dance a believable Country Two Step.

The dance, however, doesn’t meet the high expectations Cowboy Hobbit had for it. Chelsie tries valiantly, unlike Anna before her, to cover up CH’s lack of dance skill by dancing circles around him (literally). As hot as she is, it doesn’t cover up the fact that Cowboy Hobbit basically just walks her around the dance floor.

Yet again, I am correct, and the judges confirm that. Len calls him out for just walking around, pausing while Chelsie spun or did a trick, then walking some more. At this point in the competition he needs to see some actual dancing, and hopes that he will see that next week. Bruno says something about being dazed and confused, and that is the first thing he’s said all night that makes a little bit of sense. Carrie Ann congratulates Chelsie on trying her best to carry the dance but it was not enough to hide the Hobbit.

Following the tough comments from the judges, it is not surprising when our two little people receive a total score of 16, putting them towards the bottom of all of our dancers.

Just when I was running out of patience and Valium and was becoming worried I’d be unable to continue watching this ridiculousness any longer, here come our final couple, singer Mya and dancer Dmitry Chaplin. You may know Mya from some hits during the R&B rich 90′s, and Dmitry from being a sexy mofo and yet another SYTYCD alum. Dmitry is so hot, and I’m so over this show, just have him take off his shirt and spin a couple times, give him a ten, and send him to my place, kay? Thanks. Last week, these two were on the top of the leaderboard with two 10′s from the judges for their rumba. This episode, they are hoping to top that with a smoking hot Lambada. They earned last week’s 10′s from Bruno and Carrie Ann but only received a 7 from Len, so this time around they are trying to please him with a simpler routine. During the rehearsal segment, Mya helps Dmitry with the choreography and it seems to work for them.

Well, if sexy was something they were going for, they succeeded with flying colors. They are both extremely hot in their own right, and together they have the skill and the chemistry to set the dance floor on fire. I keep daydreaming of Dmitry as my own personal Johnny Castle. (Patrick Swayze, RIP!)

The judges must concur, because Bruno is already over the podium and halfway out the door by the time the camera catches up with him. He says their dance was a rollercoaster that needed to be ridden over and over again. Feed me some of your crazy pills, Bruno, because I actually agree with you. Carrie Ann said “Mya is on fire!” and thought it was excellent. Lastly, Len said Dmitry’s choreo was excellent and the reason that he is so hard on them because he has high expectations for them.

Did they meet his expectations? Apparently not, he is the only one who does not score them a ten, as they end up with a total score of 28 to end the night. So, we end up with a scoreboard looking like this:

Alrighty, my Gasmic Darlings, who do you think is going home? Stay tuned for Flipit’s recap of the results show, and I’ll see you next week!

Love and Bubbles, HappyHousewife