Tonight on Dancing With the Stars Results, people dance! And then get kicked off!
Hey! I want one!
Last night, Derek took off his shirt, which somehow opened the gates of Hell.
Great. Satan’s totally gonna rig this thing.
Speaking of Satan, what kind of deal does Useless Samantha have with him? I love that whenever Tom isn’t speaking, he’s looking at the camera like he can’t believe he’s stuck with such a moron.
Remember last night? Well just in case you’re in the target audience for his show (90 year old alcoholics with sick senses of humor), let’s review! Iron Chef, in a sleeveless cowgirl shirt with paisley on one shoulder, tells us how manly this show makes him feel.
Chunky Gwen Stefani got a forehead boner when her partner came out dressed like Charlize Theron in Aeon Flux.
Put that thing away! This is a family show!
Then Donny got downright pornographic to avoid being called old again this week.
If this move isn’t against Mormon law, it should be.
Glen told Natalie that she had more chemistry with the floor than her own partner.
BoyBand’s lambada dropped him into the bottom four, which is fitting because he looks like the biggest bottom ever.
Is the dude with the Indoor Carpeting head getting skinny or is it just me? Leather is very thinning.
Dees nomber needayd a sleeng and a cayn of da Creesco. Weetout it, I geev bade scorez.
The Flying Midget didn’t do any flying. He did, however, spot his partner in case something popped out.
And now, for lessons on how to survive in a shitty economy.
Maya made her partner mad and got kicked in the crotch….
Sabrina the Not Teenage Witch had the biggest improvement in history! She also somehow managed to creep into her fifties without anyone singing her happy bday.
Oh Cabaaaana Boooooy! Dance!
Len chooses to again see the dance with the three E’s. Excitement and some other stuff. All I think about when I hear triple E are really wide shoes. He’s referring to Sabrina.
Future VH1 star.
Well that’s one way to cover those hideous burn scars.
I’m sorry, but I have to break up with you. This just isn’t working out.
And now for Shakira!! I like Shakira cuz I never know what the hell she’s saying so I pretend all her songs have something to do with my life.
My new favorite song: “Pasty Chunky Guys Are HAWT”
She kinda cracks towards the end, but who cares? She does sit ups and she’s very generous. She could have just let Gwen Stefani’s girls starve to death once they were used up, but no. She bought them new robes and let them sleep in the luggage compartment of her tour bus.
Recycle your Asians, people.
Shakira sounds like a kid dressed like a ghost on Halloween. I guess people like her because they can see themselves in her. Literally.
Who broke Shakira?
The chick in front of her is at a 90 degree angle!! See? Sleeping in the luggage compartment is good training.
That was hot. Don’t believe me? Then why is Useless grabbing her boob?
Honk for Shakira!
Maya’s safe! Sabrina is safe. The news somehow ages her another five years.
Boy Band is in the bottom two! But he’s still wearing his slutty bottom costume so there’s a chance that the new Bachelor will give him a rose.
More to Love: Fat Guys Are Just as Shitty as Skinny Guys
I feel sorry for the husband that has to do the dishes after this dinner party. Put down the Better Home and Gardens magazine already.
How much for a bottle of conditioner and a little makeup?
When we come back from break, we find out who the new Bachelor is!
Sorry George Wendt, they went for face dimples. The ones on your butt aren’t considered cute. I know, it’s just not fair.
And now for a dance by the pros!
Who’s hair is greasier?
I hope they’re paying the Olive Garden for the rights to their theme music. WTH?
Poor Cheryl can’t catch a break.
Hi I’m Useless! What are your names?
So have you always been a bottom?
It’s new to me, but if you just let yourself relax…
My pool needs a good cleaning. Dance!
Chunky Gwen is safe! Random Blonde girl is safe! So is the other random blonde girl!
You’re gonna change before your next song, right?
They probably just watched the 2012 preview.
I know this is embarrassing, honey, but Daddy has to pay the mortgage.
Shelly Long losing her shit on national TV? YAAAAYYYYY! She’ll ask for a raise and part ownership of the show before the first commercial break.
Iron Chef is safe! Michael is safe! There is a montage of the contestant’s kids, but kids bore me so I’m gonna FF. Just know that they’re all fat no talent sluts. Moving on. Shakira comes back out with an old song and an old outfit. Make an effort Shakira! Also she has a giant lump on her rib cage that she should probably check out.
Glad to see Epperson has found a new job.
You only need two of those arms to change your shirt. Just saying.
You know what will help you breathe better? A new car. That one can’t be healthy for anyone.
No, but I’ll bet Shakira has.
Nice bra strap. Next week she’ll be in a hat that holds beer.
Montage of stressed out partners arguing with each other.
What’s Sabrina the Teenage Witch? And why does my hair fro out every time you breathe on me?
Get me to the Piggly Wiggly, Hoke!
Donny’s safe! Flying midget is safe!! That means Indoor Carpeting head is in the bottom two. Glen is rooting for BoyBand.
I’m gonna break both your hips.
Indoor Carpeting Head is OUT!! Bruno applauds nervously. AW! He seems like a nice guy, and suddenly I care about him. I even did a Google search on the writing he’s got on his scalp.
Please don’t let your dog poop on the lawn.
See you next week!