Dancing With The Stars: The Flu Invades (Too Bad it Wasn’t The Plague)

This week on Dancing With The Stars: The Flu Attacks. Mark Balls and Ken Doll are infected, Ken Doll overwhelmed to the point of temporary decommission. Will we ever be able to Paso Doble or Argentine Tango without our favorite Dancing Doll Action Figure?

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! Thank you, thank you, for being so kind and being gentle with me after losing my virginity to this grand show. Last week, some readers who are much more experienced in the disease known as DWTS than I informed me after my post that my baby daddy Alec Mazo is indeed married to that little tramp Edyta. Whatevs, Alec, you were a little skinny for my liking anyhow. The Dancing Gods must have felt my pain, because they decided to ease it with Ken Doll’s temporary replacement: Maks is back!

Mr. Chmerkovskiy, folks. I’ll be keeping my maiden name. Or my second ex-husband’s last name, his was my favorite.

Don’t be jealous of Uncle Maks, Dmitry. Mama will still take you for a ride once in awhile.

“HappyHousewife, you’re really keeping me waiting for these (insert misogynistic crack regarding hasbeens and the hustle here)? Be careful, or I will not save you when all of that Diet Coke finally gives you some mysterious life threatening illness.”

I’m assuming it lacked chemistry because without makeup she looks like Denise Richards minus the whore-y past.

This week they have been assigned the Paso Doble, which —- thinks will work in Cocklin’s favor because it is focused on power and being competitive rather than romance. I presume power and a competitive spirit are traits needed to win gold medals, so Cocklin should have this in the bag.

I get it, I get it, I’ll leave. But you don’t need to rub it in by showing off your wedding ring now that it’s too late!

In rehearsals, Cocklin drives —- insane by asking tiny analytical questions about every little dance step. He says that normally that is a great habit to have, but they don’t have time to break down every little nuance of every single move.

Our first duo executes their dance to “American Woman” by Lenny Kravitz, which seems like a real crackhead choice of song for a Paso Doble. Should have given it to Methie and Svetlana the Golddigger. Cocklin’s trying to bring in the sympathetic yankee vote by reminding the viewers at home of her Olympic past with a sequined red and blue skirt and halter top set. —- is looking like he’s playing Danny Zuko in a back alley production of Grease put on by French drag queens.

Nothing says “Vote for me, I’m America’s Sweetheart!” like a sequined halter top and “I just got effed in the dressing room” red lipstick.

Their dance was technically sound but lacking that special something like usual. She’s not dead in the eyes Children of the Corn-style like Joanna Poopa, but homegirl is definitely lacking this thing I like to call a personality. I think she comes off as an ice queen because she is used to turning off all emotion when she competes, like a lot of elite athletes do. She can’t wrap her little swimmer mind around the performance part of this competition.

To our judges for the first time this evening….

Aw, just look at little Princess Bruno there. “I’m just floating in a pharmaceutical dream land…”

Len agrees with me, that the dance was lacking the aggression it required, but was good overall. Bruno, who was remarkably coherent, concurred with Len but needed to use animals as examples for some godforsaken reason. Carrie Ann said at this stage of the game Cocklin should be performing at a higher level.

After judging, the dancers are contractually obligated to go meet up with Boobs in the redrum room, even though an interview with her puts you at risk of developing narcolepsy.

Apparently poor Boobs was electrocuted while refilling her saline and blow drying her hair at the same time, and didn’t have time to restyle before the show.

Cocklin tells Boobs that an aggressive dance was much more her style, as she is used to competing, not getting down in front of millions of people. Poor kid’s not a Kardashian, for freak’s sake. Boobs stares blankly at the camera to indicate the interview is over, and we hear their scores…blah blah blah all around, for a total score of 22. Cocklin is pleased because it was her favorite dance so far, and —- can go eff himself.

Next up this evening for your trainwreck viewing pleasure is everybody’s favorite pop star turned tweaker and aspiring Ok! Magazine cover girl, Meth Face and Svetlana the Golddigger! Round of applause all around. These two, even though they should be co-starring in a Lifetime movie somewhere, are instead going to be dancing an Argentine Tango.

Sad little Methie got his big boy fee-weens hurt last week when the judges were critical of his Lambada, Carrie Ann even going as far as to say that our boy Meth is so over the top that it turns people off. He was surprised by this, and is determined to flip the script and turn people on tonight.

You know you think my hollow, sunken in cheeks reeking of hopes and dreams snorted up my nose are hot!

During rehearsals, Svetlana was encouraging Meth Face to get into the dance, to turn her on, then cracked that it’s a hard task because she is a cold blooded bitch. Hey, the only thing better than a washed up russian hooker is an honest one, right?

Someone get the DWTS makeup department some cookies, cause these bitches actually look pretty damn great tonight! They are hot, Svetlana working her little red dress like the rent is due and the coverup is taking like, two years of heavy drug use off of Meth Face’s, well, face.

I wonder if I can fit a wine cooler in this gap? I always like to keep a spare on hand…or on my tits as the case may be!

I am so frenching impressed right now I might even be nice to Aaron for an entire paragraph. He totally listened to the judges’ advice and pulled it back. He showed restraint, he led her well, he looked like a man, not like a little boy. Very good, grasshopper.

Thees ees what I call the grasshopper, you seeley leetle Amerrrrican girl.

The pair finish strong, and prepare for commenting by the judges. Bruno, continuing his streak of sanity, compares Methie to Robert Pattinson and says he did exactly what they asked of him. Yes, crazy, but still sane for Bruno. Carrie Ann motions for Methie to come up to the judges table so they can kiss and make up, she says he was centered and grounded and perfect. Len agrees, and it is looking like it is going to be a love fest in these parts tonight. Methie is actually humbled and appreciative, and I loathe him a little bit less.

Svetlana and MF manage to dodge Boobs’ Medusa hair and awkward pauses long enough to get their score from the panel, and they end up with three 8′s for a total score of 24. Eh. I think the judges are still, even with the praise, being extra hard on our little MF. They don’t want him to win this thing, and they are worried he might with the tween support he has and Svetlana’s velociraptor vagina to boot. He’s got a rep for being difficult and flaky, and the Mouse needs someone family friendly and reliable to work the talk show/tabloid circuit after the finale.

Conspiracy theories aside, it is time for our third couple of the evening, Michael Irvin and Anna Demimooreova. These two are pretty unremarkable. He’s a nice guy, not an idiot, is actually famous for a skill, and a long career based on that skill as well. She’s, well, normal.

What do I say when they are normal? Nothing to make fun of? Oh, this is unfamiliar and scary…help me!

Michael and Demi danced a bolero last week that was resoundingly panned by our esteemed judges, and for good reason. It was lifeless and stiff, and Michael didn’t do too much actual dancing. They hope to correct that tonight with a Paso Doble. Like his fellow athlete Cocklin before him, Michael is sure this will be his dance because it is all about strength and intimidation, and so is football.

Hard to be intimidating when you’re sucking your buttcheeks in and wearing an Affliction shirt with American Eagle bootcut jeans. Screams “tough guy”.

While in rehearsals, Anna Demimooreova explained to Michael that he needed to stay tightened up “like he was squeezing a coin in between his buttcheeks.” Michael decided to prove his determination toward winning by actually inserting a nickel into his ass crack. ABC took pity on us and didn’t show the actual insertion (I’m honestly really surprised they didn’t bust out some pixelation and asked him to spread ‘em) but yes, there is a nickel in his ass. Lovely. Guess they’re not so boring after all?

When it comes to their interpretation tonight, it is better performance wise, but he still looks like, well, a professional football player trying to ballroom dance. Color me shocked. The judges are pretty excited, though. Carrie Ann says it was her favorite dance of his, the authority and strength was there, and Len agrees, saying Michael’s haughty way of walking around the dancefloor was the bomb. Bruno started speaking in tongues and looking on the ground for spare Vicodin, but was interrupted by Michael giving him “a token of his appreciation” aka a nickel. Har dee har har. You can tell this guy totally wants to pull an Emmitt Smith and win with the fan vote.

Boobs stutters for a couple of minutes, then manages to stammer out a question along the lines of how did Michael like getting praised for a change tonight? At least, that’s how I presume someone with the speaking skills of a fifth grader would have asked the question. The judges show the scores, which equal to a total score of 21. It is Michael and Demi’s highest score ever, but still get a boo from the studio audience who are apparently NFL fans.

And we move straight from boring to my cabana boy, Dmitry, and his partner, the lovely Mya. They have been entrusted with the Argentine Tango this evening. Ooooohhh, this should be good. Mya and Dmitry have done nothing but sizzle and keep getting better throughout this entire competition. They work very well together, and have chemistry on the dance floor. Sometimes, you can have it all. For their personality segment tonight, they make the higher ups at ABC happy by going to volunteer at Habitat for Humanity. Aw, I’m not going to hate on that, it’s one of my favorite charities and Dmitry with a tool belt? Rawr.

Ooooohhh, I love it when we roleplay.

Do-gooding aside, it’s time for the Tango. From the opening notes, I’m sucked in…these two look HAWT, and they are dancing to a great song choice, “They” by Jem. Not only am I a big fan of Dmitry’s choreography, I adore the way he partners…he’s so strong, and in charge, and not afraid to take a woman and put her exactly where he wants her. He’s all strong arms and sexiness….and I need to remember that this is family friendly TV, not late night. The dance was very good, performance, technicality, and chemistry all there in full effect.

Whoa, did I accidentally change the channel to Skinemax?

Now, on to the judges. Len begins by saying he liked it, Bruno praised the intricacy of the footwork, but that they need to remember to keep the emotional connection. Carrie Ann agrees with Bruno, which can only mean they were sharing a bottle of mouthwash during the commercial. After the comments, Dmitry and Mya join Boobs in the redrum room, where Boobs actually manages to ask an intelligible question, and Mya is the one speaking nonsense answering it.

“Why am I always surrounded by dumb bitches?” Poor Cabana Boy.

The judges reward Dmitry and Mya for their consistency and sweet dancing with three 9′s for a total of 27, putting them on top of the leaderboard. Good for them, they deserve it.

Next up is Mark and Lacey. I was informed by a reader last week that some people find Lacey annoying rather than adorable, and I totally understand. When she’s just being normal during rehearsals, I think she is just a doll, but when she tries to be funny, she is actually just obnoxious as shit.

Can someone call over to the NBC lot and tell them to come get their peacock again?

These two have been assigned the Paso Doble for tonight. Karate Kid Mark asks Lacey how they can break out of the middle of the pack, and Lacey tells him she thinks the Paso will be perfect for him, especially with his martial arts and action movie acting background. Unfortunately for her, he’s dancing more like a Matador Barbie than an actual matador. She has decided to throw in a solo for him this week, to help him stand out to the judges.

Blah. The choreo was only okay, their performance was okay, it was obvious Karate Kid was pretending to be a tough guy rather than actually dancing like a tough guy. He was lacking the ferocity required to hit all the steps with a snap and really pull off a true Paso Doble.

I got your tough guy right here, bitches!

Bruno, rewarded for his relative sobriety tonight by being allowed to speak first, totally disagreed with me, as do all of the judges. He thinks KK was right on. Carrie Ann thought he was effective without forcing it, and Len said they needed the three P’s…passion, posture, and power…and they had them! Wow, I’m surprised I was wrong. Maybe I need another martini.

It ends up with them getting their highest score to date, a 26, which still has the adoring audience booing. They must like peacocks too. Puts Lacey and Karate Kid in second place, definitely better than they have ever done before.

Next up for your masochistic pleasure is Credit Card Face Donny and his partner Kym. Shouldn’t be talking too much shit about Donny’s face, though, because have you seen Kym without makeup on? It’s seriously like two different people. I’m all about a little face spackle, but when you’re a solid 8 with your face on and a wildebeest without it? Not okay.

Kym with makeup.

Kym without makeup.

Kym’s celebrity lookalike. Any questions?

Wow, the Osmonds really are the hardest working family in show business. On top of DWTS, Donny is doing a show in Vegas with his sister four nights a week, so Kym flies down to rehearse with him. This week is going to be especially tough because they have to learn two dances, the Tango and the group hustle. Hatchetface tells Donny that this dance is all about passion, and asks him if he knows anything about that. Donny responds with, “I have five kids, what do you think?” Ew, ew, ew!!!! I highly doubt that there is anything passionate about having sex with your Mormon ass, Donny. Ew.

As has been established, Donny is a consummate professional, and definitely delivers with the performance tonight. I didn’t think he’d be able to pull off a Tango without it reeking of fromage, but he does. He pulled it back and knocked it out of the park. Hatchetface’s choreo leaves a bit to be desired, but maybe simple will work for them tonight.

So, you’re telling me there’s positions other than Missionary? No Way.

Carrie Ann grosses me out further by actually calling Donny sexy and saying that the Argentine Tango and women everywhere love Donny. Len says it was their best dance ever, and Bruno compares Donny Osmond to Donnie Darko and tries to make out with him again. If I’m going to watch some dudes get it on tonight, it’s definitely going to be Dmitry and Maks, not Bruno and Donny. I don’t think I could ever recover.

The threat of sexual favors aside, it’s time for scoring. Donny must not have been bullshitting about being good in the sack, because they got a 10 each from Carrie Ann and Bruno and a 9 from Len, for a total of 29, which puts them in the lead and is Donny’s first ten! I cannot believe that Donny “I’m a little bit rock and roll” Osmond managed to score higher than effing Dmitry and Mya in a tango. Whoa. Can you tell that the Mouse wants this guy to win, or what?

After that shocker, we move on to Chelsie and little Louie. I just adore Louie, but tonight, with the slicked back hair and Lohanesque spray tan, the comparison has to be made….homeboy looks like a little Oompa Loompa. Poor Louie.

I’m going to close my eyes and count to three and you costume bastards better turn me back into a real boy!

Their dance, while not excellent, was such a vast improvement for Louie I’m a little shocked. Yes, he still sucks, but he actually tried to dance tonight rather than just walking around and letting Chelsie do all the work. She looked hot hot hot as usual, and for anyone else I would say her choreography was too easy, but for Louie, it was perfect.

Len doesn’t know what is wrong with him tonight, being so nice, but he was pleasantly surprised with the performance tonight. The attitude of the dance was right on. Bruno agrees, but warns Louie that he still walks a little too much, rather than dancing, but it was a HUGE improvement. Carrie Ann says the same thing as Bruno, but lauds Louie’s partnering of Chelsie, that he leads her and does it well. Probably because those two are totally fucking. They’re cute, young, obviously like each other, and would have the cutest little teacup human babies. Pocket sized babies. Love it.

Stars of “Little People, Big World: Ballroom Edition”

In the redrum room, Boobs actually manages to get a decent interview of Louie, which leads to them receiving their highest score yet, a 22, which included an 8 from Len. Very impressive. I think the judges were a little lenient to them, because it’s really hard to be mean to an Oompa Loompa, right?

We then are reminded of the Michael Jackson tribute dance that will be on tomorrow night’s results show. I cannot believe out of the dance shows, MJ’s estate would pick DWTS for a tribute and tell SYTYCD to go fuck themselves. I mean, I can believe it, because ABC has bigger pockets and famewhoring opportunities than Fox, but SYTYCD’s dancers are much more in the MJ style, and they have Wade Robson for fuck’s sake…he was MJ’s protege for a long time. Idiots. I don’t even want to watch tomorrow and see how badly they screw this up. But of course the Jacksons are allowing this to happen, cause LaToya wants a spot on next season, and they allowed her to sit front row tonight and scare everyone with her mask…I mean, face.

Bitch has gotta work…only so long you can make money off your dead loved one before you turn into Larry Birkhead.

After that mockery of a musical legend, we return from commercial in time to see how Clarissa and Mark Balls fared this week. Balls is sick with the dreaded flu, so their first day of rehearsal includes him wearing a face mask to keep Clarissa from getting sick. Last week they rocked the house with their charleston, including receiving their first ten, so he’s trying to keep the momentum going even though he’s dying from the swine plague. He is too ill to make it to the second day of rehearsals, so he sends Anya of Pasha and Anya fame to take his place for the day. Clarissa feels like this was a good thing, because she got so much guidance and advice from the woman’s perspective, which was a change and very helpful.

Sorry, ladies, Baby and Penny did it first. And hotter.

And from the beginning of the dance, it’s bad. Clarissa just doesn’t have it. Bitch is not sexy at all in her movement. She is not picking up on the character of the Tango at all, and you can see her counting the steps in her head rather than feeling it. Bad, bad, real bad. Let’s see what the judges have to say…and I’m quitting if they don’t agree with me, cause that really means this shit is rigged.

Bruno calls Clarissa out on losing her steps multiple times, and not being believable at all. He says when she loses her steps she lost her character, but I think she just sucks. Carrie Ann must be a Sabrina The Teenage Witch fan, because she thinks Clarissa was just great. Len said it was lacking chemistry, but overall they did well. Whatevs. Just because they’re professionals they think they know better than me? I don’t think so.

Being interviewed by Boobs, Clarissa tries to explain it all (ha!) by blaming it on Mark Balls being sick, but thinks better of it and just says it was a hard week. Mark Balls actually looks a bit less doofy than normal and maybe a tiny bit hot while rocking the guyliner.

The fever induced psychosis makes listening to this bitch so much more bearable.

The judges are nicer to them than I would have been, giving them a 23, which Clarissa is happy with but elicits a boo from the audience. Whatever, people, go back to staring at Trainwreck LaToya, okay?

Next up is Kelly and Louis, dancing a Paso Doble to her dad’s song, “Crazy Train.” Last week Kelly performed a Charleston that earned mixed reviews from the judges, but was praised for her confidence, which she hopes to continue tonight. The Paso Doble is a dance in which usually one partner is a matador, and the other is the bull. Louis, however, has been smoking some of the good shit and decides that he wants Kelly’s character to be the matador’s cape. Interesting. Kelly is confused by the whole cape thing, just like the rest of us, and is also terrified to be dancing to her dad’s song…she doesn’t want to screw it up.

I, personally, would be more terrified of my hair falling out from the bleach damage and having that guy staring at me, but to each their own.

Kelly’s performance, as much as I would like to give it rave reviews, definitely fell flat. Girlfriend looked like a second grader all dressed up and dancing at her first recital. Louis’ choreo was even dumbed down for her, but she was still definitely heavy and lackluster, and got lost more than once.

As for the judges, Carrie Ann thinks that Kelly is inconsistent, when she’s good she is so good, but when she falls out, it’s shit. Len doesn’t really say anything, he’s all Switzerland about the performance, and Bruno mumbles something about staying on it and I think he might be daydreaming about Donny again.

The scores are given, and Kelly and Louis end up with 8′s across the board, for a 24 total. Wow, the judges must have been huffing some nitrous before tonight’s taping, because these scores are total fluff tonight. That, or they were scared of Ozzy biting their heads off.

“I’m never too drugged up to whoop a trick, trust.”

They have saved the best for last, as up next is my new baby daddy Maksim and my archenemy, Joanna Poopa. Dude, this bitch just oozes C-U-Next-Tuesday. Last week they rocked the house, no thanks to her stupid ass, but this week Ken Doll is malfunctioning big time. He tried to show up on the first day of rehearsal, but he was all pale and sweating all over the place and there is definitely a programming error going on somewhere. While he goes back to the factory to get debugged, my savior walks in, in the form of Maks. Poor guy has to work with Poopa, but my only hope is that she is cunty enough to force him to yell at her and make her cry or something. We see Ken Doll pretending to be just sick and human….

It’s 4:20 on a Friday. Human or not, sick or not, put down that damn soup and pick up the bong. Geez.

…and it appears Maks is definitely sticking around this week. He is impressed with how well Poopa picks up the moves, but that’s because he hasn’t gotten naked with me yet. Poopa hopes she can make Ken Doll proud, but I hope she chokes on her bulimic puke so I can step in in her place.

As for the dancing…it is good. Poopa’s a little stiff, but Maks does his best of manhandling her around the floor to make her look good. The choreo is bomb, and except for a stumble at the end (which was blatantly Poopa’s fault!) it was pretty darn good.

Time for the judges to weigh in. Bruno was “living his fantasies” until the stumble. He says it was totally fantastic until that point. Len cuts them a break, comparing getting a new partner to getting a new car, and says they did a great job considering. Carrie Ann says that it was so tough to pull out a performance in just one week with a new partner, but they did well. However, she thinks Poopa needs to work on her flexibility.

Boobs gets them in the redrum room, joined by Ken Doll, and asks them their thoughts on the dance. Ken Doll says he could have danced tonight, but thought she should dance with Maks since they put in all the hard work all week. Then Poopa opens her mouth, which is mistake #1. Instead of being graceful and a fair competitor and just taking the blame for the misstep and saying mistakes happen, she tries to blame it on tripping over the “big man” Maks. Step off bitch…him being a big man, which is not a bad thing, has nothing to do with why you suck and missed your count. Go back to whatever third world country you came from, okay, skank? I hope the viewers at home caught that and it costs her a ton of votes tonight, ungrateful ho.

Don’t worry, Maks, I’ll shank that shitty look right off her face for you.

Maks looks like he is restraining his Russian Mafia instinct to kill her right there, then luckily for everyone it is time for the scores. They get a table full of 8′s, for a middle of the road total of 24.

Now that the competition is over, it is time for the group dance, The Hustle. It was choreographed by Mark Balls dad, Corky Ballas. Yes, his name is actually Corky, and it suits him to a tee. You think Mark is a goofy motherlover? You haven’t seen shit yet. I really can’t bear to recap to you all of the cheesiness that is this group hustle, so I’m just going to let some screengrabs do the talking for me. Trust me, you won’t be missing out on anything.

Oh, how sweet, it’s disco dress up day in the special ed class. Aw.

I will never fault poor Mark Balls again for being such a dork.

Louie was so stoned in rehearsals I was getting a contact high through the screen. I don’t blame him a bit.

Poor Maks, being forced to dress up like an idiot. They better be paying him well.





Yes, Folks, this is what primetime network television has come to. Lock up your kids and invest in some silver bullets.

Alrighty, my Gasmic darlings, that’s all the ridiculousness I’ve got for you tonight. Who do you think will be going home this week? Stay tuned for Flipit’s recap of the results show to find out! Thanks all, and have a great night!