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This week on Dancing With the Stars Results: Nora Jones pulls a Flash Forward and America revolts against skinny blondes.
They should have made her sing “Thriller”.
Last night, someone left a tube of KY and a DVR full of Murder She Wrote repeats in Len’s dressing room, which gave him his first entire night of happiness since Nixon was elected.
Who are you?
Tonight, someone goes home and there will be a Michael Jackson tribute because “he’s had a huge influence on our show since the beginning!” I love how everyone’s a huge MJ supporter now that his ass is dead. Give him credit while he’s alive and you might as well try and give a handjob to a toddler. Now, though, he’s a total hero. Hypocrites! Ok that’s way too much typing for a piccap. I’ve already bored Chunky Gwen Stefani.
Let’s start by reviewing last night!
The first key party where no one got laid.
First, Bruno dissed Sabrina.
You ees no sexee! You ees groampy!
Um I’m totally a slut you gaywad.
Come on you two! Compromise!
BoyBand realized all those bottom costumes and bj faces weren’t getting him anywhere and decided to try a tactic that’s never used on this show.
He flirted with the WOMAN.
Random Blonde’s Wonder Woman outfit did her no favors.
You’re supposed to do three turns to work magic. And where’s your silver wristband. Amateur. Lynda Carter is shaking her head right now.
Then, the Other Random Blonde tried to get too close to Maks so he kneed her in the crotch.
I have a man, biatch! His name is Flipit! Keep a foot between us at all times!
To feel better, she got more silicone injected into her lips and had a slumber party.
Michael got a little violent with his partner, too.
Someone left the toilet seat down.
Wow you sure make dancing look effortless.
The Flying Midget decided to stop trying to get good scores with his dancing and instead concentrate on showing his partners girl parts as many times as possible.
It worked! Soon we’ll see this tactic in Presidential campaigns.
Chunky Gwen hurt her ankle and was in need of medical attention. Stop your whining! You almost got your neck broken!
Next week she’ll be swung around by a belt around her neck. Jesus this show is dangerous.
Get my dad! Tell him I need “medicine!”
Snort two lines of “showbiz” and get your ass back out there, brat!
See? All better. You’ll be awake in a week.
Lacy’s SanjayaHawk led Iron Chef to excellent scores.
Iron Chef makes a joke that they’re on Mya’s trail and they can “sniff her.” Lacy tells him to sniff her and she’ll watch.
Donny gave Joseph Smith a boner.
His raw animal midget sexuality set Bruno into a jealous tirade.
You nayver geev my boobees dees gynd off attaynshion!
Your boobies are hairy and smell like Vaseline! Stop leaving notes on my car!
The dance was so awkwardly erotic that Len wants to see it again!
The long climb to Talldom
Muffin top humping is sooooo Mormon.
You’re trusting Donny Osmand with your brain right now. Not wise.
OMG putting gas in the car is SO HAAAARD!
I want a divorce.
Wait I’ve almost got it!
Stupid people love McDonald’s.
61,000,000 Americans deserve what they get.
Unless a Gosselin or a Baloon Boy will be in that castle, we’ll pass. Come on, ABC. It’s called NEWS.
And now, nothing makes you wanna dance like…Norah Jones? Zzzzzzzzzz.
She even bores herself.
Don’t know why I didn’t come? This is why. Right here.
Damn you Nora! You’ve drugged the dancers with your boring ass song!
Seriously you guys have to wake up. We’re on TV!
On a sleeping chick? This is so illegal.
This is like the opening sequence in Flash Forward where everyone passes out at the same time.
I don’t waaaana get uuuuuup! Snoooooze.
Wow. An entire number revolving around nap time. Thanks, Nora Jones!
The Jackson family is here to collect their royalties. I predict that LaToya will accuse someone of murder before the hour’s up.
Iron Chef is safe! Donny’s safe! And short! Mya’s safe! And Dimitri’s FINE!
Monday mornings are a bitch on the DWTS set!
Dude. A house fell on the witch! Sweet!
I’ll be here for a couple hours, guys. You think looking forty years older than my age is EASY?!
No I won’t put false eyelashes and glitter on you. Stop asking.
Listen Random Blonde. I am working on my frown for the night so unless this is important…
Have the shower in my trailer removed please. It’s pressuring me.
God please get me out of here before Gwen eats me.
Thanks for having those buttons lowered. I was really getting sick of taking the stairs.
Random Blonde isn’t safe!!
Derek kept his shirt on. Blame him.
Chunky Gwen is safe! So are her roots! Boy Band is not safe!
Michael Jackson was honored by this whole image, I’m sure.
Finally! A movie about Len Goodman fans!
Put on some clothes, fat whore!
Comes with a lighting guy and a skin eraser.
She used to look like Pat Sajack.
But bad for my eyes. Get a room!
Michael (no applause) is safe! Other Random Blonde…is not safe! Bad week for Random Blonde people. Don’t worry! There’s always the news business!
Is it me or is Chunky Gwen, like, no longer chunky? Even Useless Samantha asks for her secret.
Crushed up Xanax and Tab.
Hey how about doing a Sabrina impression for us?
Kids, it’s past your bedtime! So here to help you get your little butts to sleep is Norah Jones with a song she sang like a million years ago and wasn’t as popular as the other song she sang a million years ago? Feel like dancing? Good! SLEEEEEEEEPPPPP
It’s called Vagisil. You’re welcome.
OK we’ll wake you up when it’s time to go back on the airplane, sugar. Thanks for trying. Dream big.
And now, let’s spend a little time with LaToya Lies.
Michael loved this show! He also loved all my albums! And he told me I could have his kids and his house and his money!
MJ gave us the gift of a Ballas peepee outline shot. Thanks MJ!
I’m sorry, but the swine flu is very contagious. You will be sleeping outside tonight.
Flying Midget is safe! Sabrina is not safe! Her partner is doing rude imitations of her behind her back. Rude! Why is everyone picking on her today?
MJ Tribute time!
I’ve got a mortgage to pay. Please go to MJ’s movie! Until you do, I will only whisper so you can’t understand what I’m saying.
Woah! Stay off camera. And please tell me your real name is Phinnessee. It’s like an homage to Finesse hair products and Tennessee Williams all in one glorious cross eyed shoulderpadded pleather and plaid wearing singer. YAY!
He was so cute after that second nose job.
This was taken as security came to get LaToya out of the house for the last time. Aw!
How many times did this outfit get this poor kid beat up?
OMG Donny Osmand’s gonna pop out.
MJ invented the Droopy Dog move? Wow.
How is this number showcasing MJ? Certainly not by highlighting so many jayjays.
In heaven, MJ just turned the channel.
Why would you have dancers enter from Chunky Gwen’s dressing room?
Poor Sabrina is about to cry. Or maybe she’s just hearing a Norah Jones song in her head.
She’s safe! So is Random Blonde 1! That leaves the other Random Blonde and Boy Band. What do the judges think?
Dona take away my tweenky!
Don’t a worry! Random Blonde 2 is out!! I think it’s because America won’t stand for her f ing up her Wonder Woman costume.
Next week, more dancing and gayness and sparkles and unintelligible perversion from Bruno!