This week on Dancing With The Stars: With the threat of a double elimination looming, our dancers settle their differences by virtue of a dance war!
Whoever originally said the quote, “Make Love, Not War” definitely did not have this in mind.
Tonight, we are mourning the loss of our beloved Natalie Cocklin and her partner, the man whose name we shall not speak, for they have been cast away back into the depths of obscurity.
Goodbye, —-, leave my keys and my pharmacy rewards card on the table on your way out.
We are also mourning the exit of Maksim, who is no longer needed due to Ken Doll’s triumphant return from
the Mattel Factory a severe case of the flu. I am sad, not only because I do not get to drool all over the place everytime he comes on the screen, but also because he seemed like the only guy with the stones necessary to finally smack the cuntiness right out of Joanna Poopa. You know Ken Doll won’t, cause he doesn’t want to mess up his new manicure. Maybe Michael Irvin will go on a coke binge and whoop the trick for me. That would be some hall of fame shit. A HappyHousewife can dream, can’t she?
Did somebody say dream?
But the show must go on, and it will, with each of the nine couples performing either a waltz or the jitterbug. After each couple has performed, all of them will be competing in a dance marathon!
26 miles full of sequins and desperation.
According to Boobs, a dance marathon involves all nine couples on the floor at the same time, mambo-ing their little butts off, until they are tapped on the shoulder by choice of the judges. This will continue until there is only one couple standing. Points will be awarded based on place of finish, and added to their traditional score.
These two could definitely use the help.
Also, please forgive me, but last week I had
ten one too many martinis by the end of the show, and forgot to post the final leaderboard. So, this is what it looked like before Cocklin and —- got sent packing.
Donny and Kym: 29
Mya and Dmitry: 27
Mark and Lacey: 26
Aaron and Karina: 24
Joanna and Maksim: 24
Kelly and Louis: 24
Melissa and Mark: 23
Natalie and —-: 22
Louie and Chelsie: 22
Michael and Anna: 21
Ok, all caught up and ready to go? Right on. We begin tonight with my only lover remaining standing, cabana boy Dmitry, and his partner, Mya. Last week, they slipped from first to second on the leaderboard due to the lack of an emotional connection in their excellent argentine tango. An astute reader pointed out that it seems like Mya really wants nothing to do with Dmitry, but knows she has to put on the happy face to keep winning those votes. I’m thinking either she thinks he’s a total dweeb, or she’s just used to being in charge and doesn’t like some peasant telling her what to do. I do appreciate that, either way, she’s able to essentially keep it under wraps and be a class act, which is a rarity on this show.
This is not a class act, just to clarify.
This week, our happy couple have been assigned the jitterbug. Interesting. I thought for sure the producers would lob them a waltz right up the middle, just so they could hit it out of the park. With her lines and his partnering, they would have killed a waltz. The Mormons must have paid off those producers to keep Donny on top, however, because jitterbug it is. Mya comments that she’s okay with that, because it takes away the pressure of the argentine tango, pretty much proving my reader’s theory. Why would an argentine tango be more pressure unless you hate the guy you’re tangoing with? That’s just fine, Mya, be that way then, and send my boy back home, the pool needs drained for the winter anyhow.
Oh, honey, get the hell out of that ridiculous outfit and come home to mama, would you?
I’ll keep it short-I thought their jitterbug sucked. They didn’t seem together to me, and Mya, who is usually sharp and on point, was all over the place with this style. They had some ridiculous props that instead of enhancing their performance, totally distracted. Twas not impressed. Were the judges?
Len, like usual, agreed with me. He’s a big HappyHousewife fan, you know. He even has a t-shirt with my face on it.
He looks amazing in pink
So, anyway, where were we? Oh yes, Lennie and I were telling you how much this sucked. He’s pissed they wasted a bunch of time with the stupid duster and broom. Bruno quoted, “cleanliness is next to godliness.” Ok, producers, I’m only going to tell you one more time, the pills go to us, so we can stand to listen to him. Get it? He thought their style and timing was spot on, which proves he’s seeing double. Carrie Ann is on our side, disagreeing with Bruno. Poor cabana boy, he’s stuck dancing with the ice queen and the only judge who likes him is the crazy queen.
In case you weren’t sure, this is the crazy queen.
In weeks past, I’ve been struggling with coming up with new and exciting ways to keep talking about Boobs and the redrum room, because bitch gives me absolutely no variation to work with. She stands there, stares blankly, asks stupid questions, ends the interview awkwardly, then asks for score. That’s it. Every single time. So unless Boobs does something remotely original, I’m not going to even keep trying to talk about her. Just so you know, it’s not that I’m failing to mention her, it’s just that there’s nothing to mention.
Seriously, nothing to mention.
Now that we’re clear on that, Mya and Cabana Boy get a 24 from the judges. That’s good for any of these other retards, but pretty ouch for them. Not quite the way they wanted to start the show, anyhow.
Next up is Clarissa and Mark Balls. Last week, their dreadful argentine waltz dropped them from near the top of the leaderboard all the way into 7th place. This week, however, they are going to try to recover with a waltz. I’m guessing that while the love fest from the judges last week was nice, it was also boring, so the Mouse(ABC…owned by Disney…sorry I didn’t explain earlier) has decided to shake things up a bit tonight. Similar to Mya’s situation earlier, a jitterbug would have been cake for Clarissa. She scored her best score ever working a Charleston, which is a very similar style. Instead, stodgy Clarissa is going to have to try to float an elegant waltz right out of her short, stumpy little ass. Good luck with that one.
You want these two to do elegant? Pop some popcorn, kids, this should be good.
Astonishingly enough, Clarissa is struggling in picking up the allure and grace necessary for the waltz. To remedy this, Mark Balls brings in his mom, Shirley Balls. Have you ever noticed that most of these ballroom dancers are related? Lots of family connections in this world.
Oy, this waltz. Danced to “Only One Road” by Celine Dion, the only thing worse than the music was Clarissa’s costume. She may be a little dumpy, but girlfriend certainly isn’t fat, leading me to believe she pissed off someone in the costume department. You can tell she’s wearing like, six pairs of Spanx but bitch still looks like she either just finished a double-double or she’s about 4 months along.
Baby or Burger? You decide.
Even more catastrophic than the music OR the costume was the dance itself. Clarissa tripped over her feet, allowing Mark to carry her around the floor with a dumbstruck look on her face. She was unsure and stumbly (I just made that up) and just plain awful. And Mark Balls, jew fro and all, try as he might, he is just not the leading man and does not help her cause whatsoever.
Sorry dude, Johnny Castle you are not.
Crazy Bruno agrees, saying he expects more by season six and that everything from her posture to footwork was jacked up. Carrie Ann agreed, saying it looked sticky. NOt a good adjective for a waltz. My homey Len must have forgotten his Aricept today, because he actually thought it was pretty good, and that Bruno and Carrie Ann were being a bit harsh. The only thing harsh, is you killing my buzz, Len.
The judges deliberate, and deliver a score of 20, including a low of 6 from Bruno. Deserved, but still painful, nonetheless. This score is lower than Michael Irvin’s from last week–THAT is harsh.
Here comes Karate Kid Mark and Lacey. Last week they danced a pretty rockin Paso Doble, even with Lacey dressed as a peacock. They scored a 26, their highest score yet. In a post-interview, Karate Kid said scoring that high with Lacey made him horny.
That definitely does not make me horny.
This week in the jitterbug, to top their last performance, Lacey is showcasing Karate Kid’s talents by including lots of jumps and tricks for him to impress with. She also takes him to a jitterbug club to get him in the mood. Ew. Nevermind that last sentence. I think Karate Kid’s totally got a thing for Lacey, and I think she puts up with it. Or at least I hope. If she likes gross old married Karate Kid, I will never call her adorable again.
I’m actually impressed, Karate Kid managed to focus, Lacey was in her element, and they delivered a pretty great performance. One pretty obvious stumble and a few smaller ones, but the tricks, energy, and performance are very good.
The dance is good. The audience is pleased. Carrie Ann is singing. There was a little stumble at the end, but their energy was right on and it was a great jitterbug. Len thinks that sometimes less is more, but not in the jitterbug! He loved it too. Bruno thinks Karate Kid did a good job taming the crazy kitty, referring to Lacey with a stupid bow in her hair resembling cat ears, and I’m grossed out by the double entendre.
New rule, if you gross me out, you get shot on sight and your partner has to drag you out.
The judges end up giving this duo a 26, which I totally agree with….this performance was definitely on par with last week’s, which scored the same. As of now, it is enough to put them in the lead.
Oh, thank god, dancing’s over, time for Celebrity Rehab. Oh wait, sorry, my bad, I’m wrong, it’s just Meth Face and Svetlana’s turn to dance. I’m very interested to see how this goes, because last week Meth Face shocked us all and was able to pull a very refined and focused argentine tango out of his ass. However, he still managed to end up in the bottom two for the second week in a row.
Usually, the only thing coming out of my ass is balloons full of drugs.
Meth Face decided to show Svetlana how dedicated he is to this next dance, the waltz, and the gentlemanly character required by showing up to rehearsals in a suit carrying a bouquet of roses. Obviously, he is really just trying to get laid, but do what you gotta do, homey.
Don’t hate the player baby, hate the game.
Again, props to the makeup department, because Meth Face looks significantly less tweakerish.
Maybe a bit too Barry Manilowesque, but definitely less tweakerish.
These two come out and blow me away. Svetlana actually looks lovely, and these two just glide across the floor. Meth Face is the first “star” tonight who was assigned the waltz that actually got it. He moved so correctly, not just being led around by the pro. I’m very very impressed. The Lionel Richie cover didn’t hurt, either.
I may be Three Times a Lady, but I’m also Double the Skank.
Len agrees, lauding Methie’s posture and maturity, and also commented on his great job partnering the golddigger, suggesting that this was their best dance yet. Bruno speaks halfway intelligibly about MF’s partnering and posture, but knocks him for missing the steps in a few spots. Carrie Ann somewhat agrees, acknowledging the missteps but saying overall it was great, dignified even.
Len scores them a 9, Carrie Ann and Bruno following up with 8′s for a total of 25. This puts them right under Mark and Lacey, and I, I actually think they deserved a point or two more.
You may recall, last week our next dancer clenched a nickel in between his buttcheeks to improve his posture. Yes, next up is Michael and Anna. Since last week, I have been informed that I was wrong in thinking Michael and Anna were as boring as my husband. Turns out Mikey here has quite the interesting past, including multiple arrests for the bad shit and an documented incident of showing up to court in a full length mink coat.
What? I am a champion.
I’m surprised, because I was sure, with all of his grandstanding and nonsense ramblings in his big voice about winning, that Michael had a future as a pastor of a Baptist church, but that’s just me.
This week Michael and Anna have been assigned the waltz. Michael had some time picking up the rhythm of the dance, which led to some tension and arguing between he and Anna.
Holy crap, kids….their dance was good. Mikey is very well suited for a waltz, his posture is commanding and strong, but was far from stiff, and he partnered Anna very well. I am amazed at his progress, especially over the last two weeks. ABC might want to test him for performance enhancing substances, but regardless, it was a great waltz.
Bruno begins the judging by disagreeing with me, and specifically mentioning his posture. Bruno, we are going to end up cat fighting, and it is not going to end well for you, you skinny little foreign man. Go play in some traffic or something. Carrie Ann is on my train, calling their waltz “charming”. Len, or course, speaks the truth and basically repeats everything I said above. We’re drinking buddies.
We both like a stiff cabernet, among other stiff things.
As for where this pair end up on the leaderboard….party poopers Carrie Ann and Bruno give Mikey sixes, while Len is generous with an 8, for a total of 20, and tying them with Clarissa and Mark Balls for last place.
Moving on from nose candy to vicodin, next up is Kelly and Louis. Turns out that at the end of her apathetic Paso Doble last week, she sprained her ankle, which ultimately resulted in an ambulance ride to the hospital.
Only in Hollywood do you get an ambulance ride and a script of Oxycontin for a sprained ankle. I’m moving in.
Luckily, on her first day of rehearsal, Kelly informs us and Louis that she has received the go-ahead to resume dancing. Thank goodness, or we may have had to see her replaced with LaToya or something. Shudder. K & L have been given the jitterbug this week, and Louis has an idea of how to finally break away the last of Kelly’s shell so she can let it all go and really dance a great jitterbug.
He takes her to a trapeze practice area, where he explains that she will be jumping off the trapeze. After some protestation, and much less hysteria than expected, Kelly finally takes the leap. I’m not sure that she felt as fabulous and empowered as Louis was hoping for, but it was cute nonetheless.
I can’t decide if Kelly looks awful or adorable in a blue and yellow plaid 50′s schoolgirl outfit, but I do know their performance was pretty cute. Her footwork still sucks, and she’s still as distractable and unfocused as my two year old, and gives off a 5th grade dance recital vibe but her energy is definitely infectious. Louis also does a great job of really turning up his performance to smooth out the wrinkles in hers.
Carrie Ann says she’s glad Kelly had a happy performance tonight, but called her out on how distracted she is. Len calls her on the footwork, or lack thereof, and Bruno says it was cute but her performance is not mature or exciting enough. Shit, fire these three and hire me instead. It took three of their asses to say what I told you five minutes ago. I’m cheaper, and I might take less pills than Bruno! Call me at 1-800-WORKS4WINE.
As adorable as we all agreed she was, Kelly only managed to get a 20 out of the judges. Ouch, that means Clarissa, Mikey, and Kelly are all tied at the bottom tonight…definitely a big difference from the generosity last week!
We were only nice because we were still feeling the effects of a backstage ecstacy fueled threesome.
From cute to cuter, here come our “little” couple, Chelsie and Louie. I totally figured out why Louie looks so familiar to me! He totally looks like the guy I used to buy dime bags of the good stuff from in college! My guy didn’t have the short little arms and dwarf like features, but he was short with the same hair and face. Could seriously be twins. Maybe that’s why I always think Louie is stoned…it was my subconscious talking to me.
Remember me? Yes, I was always late and trying to sleep with you, but I always had the good shit, didn’t I?
When we last saw these two, they had a pretty good night with a much improved argentine tango. They were able to get their best score yet and avoid being in the bottom two. This week, they are going to try to keep the momentum going with the jitterbug. I think this is a coup for them, because a waltz would have been downright disastrous. Short people do not waltz well. Chelsie is going to try to incorporate Louie’s natural and admittedly very strong snowboarding skills into their dance, by showing him how some of his tricks resemble dance moves she would like him to do.
Looks just like jitterbugging.
So, we all know I’m biased, that I would love HappyHusband to invite Chelsie over for a night with us, but actually, I was very pleased with this performance. The premise of “Revenge of the Nerds” was a smart move, it let Louie’s awkwardness be part of the dance, instead of the poor kid having to fight against it. This was also the most actual dancing I’ve seen him do. He pulled off a sweet backflip off the judges’ table, and while it wasn’t worthy of tens across the board or anything, it was definitely respectable.
Please don’t fall on your head, little man, killing a dwarf could be considered a hate crime.
As for the, you know, professional judges…Len judged their dance as exciting and fun, but there were some missteps. Bruno agreed, which is rare. Carrie Ann said she thought it was great, but didn’t like that Louie almost dropped Chelsie a couple of times. What do you people expect from him? His arm is like, a third as long as one of her legs. Give him a break!
The performance earned them a total score of 21, sevens across the board. Pretty good for them, and puts them just ahead of the fight for last place.
The night goes from bad to worse, at least for me, because A-I’m out of vodka, and B-Joanna “Cunty” Poopa is up next. The only thing that could have possibly saved her for me this week would have been Maks, but alas, stupid Ken Doll got remolded or something and is back, all shiny and waxy. Damn it. With Maksim last week, Joanna danced an argentine tango that was great until the stupid bitch tripped over my baby daddy then tried to blame it on him. This week, she’s so excited to have Derek back, blah blah blah. Because she’s totally Barbie to his Ken. She has problems picking up the waltz, because just like the damn doll, she can’t seem to bend at the waist. Derek gets really frustrated with her, which delights me a bit, but he makes amends by saying he is hard on her because she is really talented.
A total bitch, yes. But talented? Um, no.
I am now very very pleased with the costume and hair/makeup departments. My bribes of homemade cookies laced with valium must have worked, because they put Poopa in a
hair/makeup/outfit ensemble that makes her look like a knocked up midwestern prom queen.
I’m sad because I’m fat but I’m fat because I’m sad.
As for the waltz? Meh. She was not feeling the rhythm or musicality of the dance at all. Ken Doll tried valiantly, as always, to make up for her lack of personality, but it was not to be. If your partner, who is compared to a plastic doll, has more personality than you, do us all a favor and go back to Sports Illustrated.
But let’s see what the judges have to say. Whoa, Bruno has obviously dipped back into the mouthwash, cause he’s talking all crazy about butterflies and meadows and god knows what. Carrie Ann said she looked beautiful, but seemed to be hesitating and had no personality. Len praised their posture and musicality, but said their footwork was a hot mess.
Scores are in, and Poopa must be really great on her knees because she managed to get 9′s from the guys, and an 8 from Carrie Ann for a total of 26.
Dragging her back to the Factory…dun dun dun.
Our final couple of the night is up, and it is Donny and Hatchetface. Last dance of the night, a jitterbug…yeah, the Mouse hasn’t picked their winner. Not at all. These two are doing a train themed jitterbug tonight.
See? I wasn’t full of shit with the Hatchetface joke. You can stop the hate mail now.
It probably could be debated, but even I am not heartless, so I really cannot make fun of their personality segment tonight. They go to volunteer, teaching kids with Down’s Syndrome how to dance. There are so many jokes I could make here, but I am sitting on my hands and having HappyHusband take a transcription, because I don’t know if I could keep my fingers from telling my brain to fuck off and typing the words out anyhow. It is nice of them to volunteer, the kids looked thrilled, happy happy joy joy all around. The end.
I don’t need to make fun of the special kids when I have these retards dancing around.
Now for the last jitterbug of the evening. I was actually surprised. While it was good, it wasn’t the amazing spectacle I was expecting. With the level of corny Donny usually brings, I thought this would have the baby boomers creaming themselves and screaming in the aisles, but I felt it was meh. Technically good, performance was good, energy good, but not great.
I see Donny is still trying to seduce Bruno for votes.
Carrie Ann lauded Donny for being able to work a room, but called him out on some stumbles in his footwork. Len thought it was a bit busy, but very good overall. Bruno was not impressed with Donny’s attempts, and said it was just okay for him.
Last week’s scoring leaders end up with a total score of 24 tonight. Wow, I’m surprised. It wasn’t great, but I think it was much better than Poopa’s waltz which got two nines. Whatever, dudes, I forgot–I don’t really care that much.
And just when you thought the torture was over, think again….it’s time for the Competition Mambo!
It’s like The Brady Bunch, with idiots.
This will be a traditional competition style mambo, which means all nine couples will begin dancing at the same time. One by one, the judges will pick off contestants in order of worst to best. If you get tapped on the shoulder, you’re done. The first couple tapped out will receive 2 points, all the way up to 10 for the winning duo. These points will be added on to the existing scores of the evening. Whew. Here’s what happened:
All the couples had a chance to prepare during rehearsal week. The concern on most people’s mind was going the distance…the winning couple could potentially have to dance for up to 4 minutes, so each couple had to decide whether they were going to choreograph a routine for the whole 4 minutes, for part of the time if they assumed they would be one of the first to go, or just wing it with a freestyle.
But some were just worried about looking like a whining wannabe Crip, apparently.
And it begins…
I’m surprised the floor didn’t catch on fire as an act of God.
First couple out: Michael and Anna
Second couple out: Louie and Chelsie
Third couple out: Melissa and Mark
Fourth couple out: Kelly and Louis
Fifth couple out: Mark and Lacey
Sixth couple out: Donny and Kym
Seventh couple out: Aaron and Karina
Runners up: Mya and Dmitry
Winner Winner Chicken Dinner(or chicken legs, as the case may be): Joanna and Derek
This shit was totally rigged. The judges looked like they were pretending to actually paying attention, rather than doing so. Also, notice how the order of dancers eliminated is like, identical to how they traditionally score? From what I can see, it didn’t really look like that…for example, Poopa was stiff as shit and had no rhythm or passion, Mya was not looking very strong, yet they were battling for the top spot? Also, Michael and Louie were dancing amazingly well but were among the first to be eliminated. I call bullshit, but whatever. Finally, this clusterfuck is over, I can give you tonight’s leaderboard and head to the liquor store. We end tonight looking like this:
Joanna and Derek: 26 + 10 = 36
Mya and Dmitry: 24 + 9 = 33
Aaron and Karina: 25 + 8 = 33
Mark and Lacey: 26 + 6 = 32
Donny and Kym: 24 + 7 = 31
Kelly and Louis: 20 + 5 = 25
Melissa and Mark: 20 + 4 = 24
Louie and Chelsie: 21 + 3 = 24
Michael and Anna: 20 + 2 = 22
Well, my Gasmic Darlings, that’s all I’ve got for tonight? Who do you think’s going home this week? Remember, it’s a double elimination, so we’re casting away two idiots for the price of one! Stay tuned for Flipit’s pic recap of the results show!
Love and Bubbles, HappyHousewife