Tonight on Dancing With the Stars Results: illegal alien band, hate crimes against handicap people, and a midget suicide! Come on in!
Better be careful wearing that shirt around MethFace. He’s totally gonna try to break you open.
Last night, was the first ever dance marathon! Unfortunately, no one fainted or threw up. Tonight, there’s a dance off! Hopefully the fainting and throwing up will commence. Let’s do this!
It looks like a giant crow tried to rip off Useless Samantha’s head right before the cameras were turned on.
Never mind. Empty calories.
And now, let’s change things up by opening with our musical guest! Ladies and gents, please welcome Miss Taylor Swift!!
Artist Contract Rider: Evian, Aquafina, Evian, Aquafina, cough drops, Evian, Magnesium Citrate, oxygen tank, loofa, pantene, Evian.
Taylor Swift seems like a sweetheart with a modicum of talent and I know we’re all supposed to feel bad for her after what’s his buns ruined her big moment at that awards show, but COME ON! Are ugly people allowed to sing anymore?
Aretha never would have made it in 2009.
We’re gonna find those keys if it’s the last thing we do!
No one should have trouble finding the landing strip tonight.
Shouldn’t you be in school, young man?
No, rock deodorant isn’t as good as the real stuff. Please stop by CVS.
That song blew. Let’s break up.
Let’s review what happened last night! Mya was universally dissed and then her partner was handed a broom.
Good to see racism is still alive and well.
Sabrina also stunk up the place, and all the judges’ disses aged her another forty years.
Nap time for McClutsky.
Chunky Gwen Stefani didn’t get off any easier.
Damn. I used the ankle thing last week.
I haven’t been able to pick a costume for Halloween this year, so I’d like to thank Dancing With the Stars for giving me a brilliant idea.
Flying Midget dropped his partner twice. Then he fled the scene.
Dumb move. How many flying midgets can there be in the world ? You’re totally gonna get caught.
The smartest person on this show is Donny. Poor guy has been in Mormon no touchie mode for his whole life and he’s finally getting to check out some plumbing.
BoyBand MethFace got good marks from Len, and he even compared Len to his father, who he never speaks to.
I hate both those old nasty fucks. Now I will snort some spray paint.
Random Blonde wore hoops for the Flying Midget to jump through, but he didn’t take the bait.
Still, I applaud you for trying.
There’s a lot of pressure tonight, since two of the couples will get the boot. This kind of explains BoyBand’s dilated pupils and frizz hair, but doesn’t excuse it.
I think this is the guy I threw change at a couple weeks ago in the Starbux parking lot, but I can’t be sure until I smell him.
Donny, happy to find someone shorter than him in the Flying Midget, wears a taunting leprechaun outfit.
I think Tom just said “we have a lot of tense spray tanned people here tonight!” but I’m not sure. Whatever he said, Useless looks pissed.
I’m doing a hundred anger crunches later.
The lowest scores will have a dance off tonight, which is FIERCE. I just haven’t said that word since the early 2000′s so I took the chance. Sue me. Random Blonde is safe! Iron Chef is safe! Flying Midget’s partner looks like Britney pre Federline.
I’m gonna be so happy, y’all!
Verizon totally needs to moisturize, you guys.
Let’s hope the aliens from V eats the cast of Eastwick this week.
Montage of how skerd everyone is about the possibility of being eliminated, complete with the Flying Midget blonde abuse clip.
Hey! My purse!
Chunky Gwen is just daring America to send her home so she can whip the arsenal out of her hair and do some real damage.
She came up with another way to guilt us since she used the hurt ankle thing already. It’s her birthday!
If you care, raise your hands. No one? Moving on.
Donny’s safe! MethFace is safe!
Pooping’s Hard: starring Jamie Lee Curtis
One time, it was so bad I thought I was having a baby! Discuss.
Yum isn’t this good? Now let’s go poop together.
Now you can waste your time on crap ANYWHERE.
Now for a band who escaped Cuba!! Illegal immigration has never been so darn entertaining.
This song is called “Suck it Castro”.
They fit a lot of equipment onto that raft, eh?
This week, the stars were in charge of costumes. Which makes Donny’s glitter train conductor getup all the more frightening for his wife.
I don’t think this guy wants your hug.
Maybe add a leather sling? No one’s done that yet right?
How bout some nice Dockers?
Boolsheet! I keell you muddatrucka!
Can I borrow 20 bucks?
What do you mean, who am I? I’m on the show. No really. I am. Dude seriously. I’m on the show.
Please make me look like Bette Davis on her death bed. PLEASE IT’S MY DREAM!
Please pick this.
Stilt shoes, please.
Kelly’s safe! Wowee!!
No she did not just shoot the torso guy!! That’s a handicap hate crime!
Is this thing real?
Let’s welcome back Taylor Swift! I almost hit FF but then this stopped me.
Finally! A murder!
Jeeze Rebecca! I think it was like forty degrees this night in Hollywood. Get the girl some sweats!
What’s it like getting a perfect ten? Let’s ask Greg Louganis!
Watch your head.
It feels awesome! I look like the farmer from Babe and I still get ass all the time!
I will be back for the Golden Girls version of this show. You can’t keep me dooooown!
I’d just like to say thank you to all of my fans and Bruno and Len can kiss my 80 year old ass! SUCK IT JUDGES! I’M A STAAAAHHHHHH!
You guys look like bananas.
Smooshed up bananas.
Taylor Swift’s mom and dad.
Can Sandra make one movie that doesn’t suck bawls this year? And is it worth twelve bucks to find out?
Hey I know this guy! And I’m pretty sure he rides a bike.
Hey guys I’m Useless.
May the tallest person win.
Those arms! Those hips! That….shirt….
Fetish porn isn’t gonna win you anything except a trip to Hell.
Too soon for Sabrina impressions.
Hi ho! Hi ho!
That sucked! AmmmmIriiiightpeople?!
Drop the toy, fattie!
It looks cheap too. Who’s that supposed to be? Hellboy?
Flying Midget’s out!! AW. Midge was so upset that he jumped to his death right there on stage.
The death bored the life out of Carrie Anne.
GAWD just roll the credits already!
Next week, more dancing! More glitter! Less midgets!