This week on Dancing With The Stars: In order to fill the two hours we’re allotted with only 7 couples remaining, we’re going to have a team dance competition!
Should have named them Team Douche-o and Team Wango.
In case you don’t already know, I am shocked to tell you that we lost Clarissa and Louie last week. Louie, not so shocked, but Clarissa? Yes, she totally sucked, but I thought she had enough of a fan base in the key demographic (25-34) to keep her around at least longer than Michael Irvin. I figured it would be him and the dwarf to go in the double elimination. Are there that many Cowboy fans around here? If he wins this shit, I’m so moving to Canada.
Poor, poor Clarissa and Mark Balls.
Tonight, we face another double elimination. Really cutting away the crap now, aren’t we? Because there are only 7 couples to dance tonight, and two hours of viewing pleasure to consume, the producers have come up with some shit storm of a team dance competition to “entertain” us.
I use the word entertain very loosely.
Our couples will be split up into two teams. Team Douche-o, comprised of MethFace/Svetlana, Karate Kid/Lacey, Michael/Anna, and Mya/Cabana Boy will be performing a Paso Doble all together. Team Wango, including Kelly/Louis, Donny/Hatchetface, and Poopa Barbie/Ken Doll, will be performing a Tango. Each group will be judged as a team, and the score given added to their individual scores tonight. But we will be revisiting this later, let’s get on to tonight’s regular performances.
Or, let’s not. More filler. Some of the pros are up to “show them how it’s done” (thanks, Clever Tom) by dancing a Paso/Tango combo. Two of the guys I’m not familiar with, Tony Dovolani and Jonathan Roberts, who is married to Anna Trebicantspellhername. These people really are incestual. Worse than Donny and the Mormon Army, I’m afraid. —- is back, damn him, dancing with his wife Edyta just to piss me off. Bastard. Rounding out the pros are Chelsie and Hatchetface. The dance is alright, I expected more from the professionals. Lots of walking around and posing, not too much actual dancing…so I suppose it’s the choreography I don’t like. Semantics.
The only way to revive them is to take off our shirts!
After introducing tonight’s couples via the Walk of Death (I’m just waiting for someone to eat shit down that stairway, so I can replay it and laugh maniacally over and over again), Clever Tom informs us that the “stars” were responsible for all of tonight’s costume choices and designing. So, not only do they suck at
life dancing, they are going to show us how much they suck at costume designing. Fantastic.
Nice shirt, Louis. No wonder he wants to strangle her.
We also discover, no thanks to Boobs….
Our beloved Boobs. It’s a wonder this bitch can hold a microphone and remember to breathe all at the same time. Guess that alone earns her paycheck.
….that Lacey is out sick this week, or as Clever Tom cracks, is wearing a very convincing Anna Trebicantspellhername costume. Ha ha ha ha, CT. I now see how you got your name. So it will be Anna and Karate Kid tonight.
She already knows they are screwed.
Before them though, first up to bat for the evening, or up to receive as the case may be, is Michael and Anna. Mikey did okay with a waltz, but still ended up in the bottom three and managed to survive a dance off with Stoner Dwarf last week to stay in the game.
This week Mikey and Anna have been assigned the fox trot. Anna thinks Mikey was a showman on the football field, so he needs to bring that energy to this dance. She also asks him if he can do debonair like Fred Astaire, and he says he is ready to try.
Sure! If Freddy was black and liked the booger sugar, they are one and the same.
Of course Mikey chose purple satin for their costumes. I mean, really? So cliche I can’t handle it.
You’ll be able to find your replica of this outfit in Kmart in two weeks.
As for the dance…..wow! I am amazed! Mikey did a marvelous job with the fox-trot. He was elegant, kept his posture up and carriage high, and even managed to look comfortable and might I say debonair while doing it. Anna did a superb job choreographing to his strengths. For a couple who just got a 19 two weeks ago, this is quite the turnaround. Golf claps, air kisses, and martinis all around
Even though we all know I am the be all, end all, top dog judge around here, I’m contractually obligated to tell you what the judges said. My homey Len tells Michael that at first this season, he just wanted to him to go home, but the waltz last week and tonight’s performance have changed his mind, well done. Bruno, El Guano Loco (you do the translation), informs Mikey that his butt is still up in the air and he shouldn’t forget the lessons of the nickel from last week, but again, well done. Scary Ann called Mikey incredible, applauding his costume choice as well as variety and personality in the performance.
As for the scores, Scary Ann and Len come through with 8′s, but Guano Loco elicited boos from the studio audience with a score of seven, for a total of 23. However, Mikey and Anna are thrilled with this, their highest score yet.
Next up for torture are Donny and Hatchetface. Last week, in some of the creepiest and most ridiculous costumes I’ve ever seen, they slumped a little bit with a low energy jitterbug.
I choo choo choose you as the biggest doo doo douchebag ever.
This week they will be performing the quickstep, which is either going to be really great or really terrible for Donny. He has the spastic energy to pull this off, but if he’s having an off night, it will fall to shit quickly. Hatchetface is not worried about his footwork, but rather him keeping the upright posture necessary for the Quickstep, which is difficult with the intense steps. To help him, she brings a posture bar into practice, which absolutely disgusts me in two ways…A-anything remotely resembling something used for S&M and/or other kinky bedroom practices anywhere near Donny Osmond is just sick and wrong; and B-he obviously was a bit too much into it, as evidenced here…..
Those things could cut glass. So not okay.
Please, let us move on to the dance. Never thought I would hear that come out of my mouth, but whatever. Donny’s costume choices are as plastic as he is. The suit he chose for himself is appropriate, I suppose, but her dress looks like I Dream of Jeannie threw her dress in a wood chipper, then patched it back together with a Bedazzler. Seriously. The dance wasn’t much better. His footwork and timing was off, and he was lacking serious energy. For a quickstep, I thought her choreography was a bit slow and very vanilla.
This is the closest Donny’s gotten to playing grab ass since 1977, with that hussy Esther, back behind the Tabernacle.
Guano Loco gives Donny a very backhanded compliment, telling him that he is such a good performer that no one noticed his many mistakes. Burrrrrrn. Very good, Mr. Loco. Passive aggressive tendencies are one of my first lessons to you, sweet scary man. Scary Ann calls Donny out on five different mistakes she saw, and he agrees. She says it was good, but not his best. I definitely should have cut Len off earlier, because he has nothing but praise for these two.
After the scores have come down, Donny and Hatchetface end up with a total score of 24, 8′s across the board. Pretty meh for these two. Donny’s totally cruising into the finals on the cougar vote and bribes from the Church, he doesn’t even need to try.
Up next is Karate Kid and Anna Trebicantspellhername. KK here started the week in NY with his usual partner, Lacey. She showed up to rehearsal, however, to sick to continue and had to go home. My opinion? She didn’t look very sick. Hungover, PMS, a cold, maybe. But she wasn’t near death like Ken Doll a couple of weeks ago. The word on the
mommy blogsstreet is that Lacey either wasn’t really that sick and totally flaked on KK, or she was really sick but too stubborn to let Mark work with another partner until the last minute even though she was too ill to go on. Either way, Lacey is really falling off my girlcrush list fast, and HappyHusband says that’s okay because he thinks she’s not cute and wouldn’t be that great in a threesomeisn’t that great of a dancer anyway.
You’re not sick, just ugly, and possibly a little fat. Or will be fat in the near future. I’m done with you, Sucky.
So after Sucky goes home to feed her cats and play WoW, poor Karate Kid is left without a partner. In steps DWTS pro, Tony Dovolani. This guy seems like he should be doing kegstands at Theta Kappa Epsilon, not ballroom dancing for a living. Interesting. Frat Boy happened to be in New York at the time, and has come to help Karate Kid not fall too far behind while Sucky is busy sucking. They look just precious dancing together….
…but The Mouse is never going to allow same sex ballroom dancing to occur on primetime in this decade, so when Sucky decides she cannot come back….
Anna steps in. Because it is only 48 hours before showtime and everything is a hot mess, she decides to do all new choreography. Apparently it wasn’t new to her, because it looked like she stole it from the fifth grade dance recital she choreographed as a favor to a girl she went to summer camp with. Seriously, one of the worst routines I’ve ever seen. And while Mark definitely did not dance well, even if he had been perfect it would still have looked like a steaming pile of shit. They danced to “Switch” by Will Smith, for fuck’s sake. He was doomed from the start. I think Sucky effed things up royally, but instead of subtly giving him a free pass into next week as a courtesy, the producers took it as a chance to get rid of him and make their top five that much neater.
Don’t blame me, he picked the mesh!!
The judges prove my theory, just tearing him apart. Scary Ann says she has compassion for him and only having 48 hours with a new partner, then proceeds to rip him apart, saying it was terrible. Len says he feels bad for KK because he had a difficult dance and a terrible week, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Guano Loco rants about Planet of the Apes and Kung Fu Panda. It’s unintelligible, but harsh nonetheless.
Scary Ann and Guano Loco are total assholes and put up sixes. Len shows some understanding and gives them a 7, totaling 19 for the week. So not cool. The guy was put into an impossible situation. I think KK is a total nerd, but he seems like a nice dude and did not deserve to get assassinated.
He should, however, get shot for designing those costumes.
From lame to flaming hot, we move to Cabana Boy and Mya. Last week they got their lowest score since week one with a scattered jitterbug that did not impress the judges. This week they have been working on a Fox Trot. Mya thinks this may suit her, a glamorous, elegant dance. To get her into character, Dmitry has Cloris Leachman stop by for inspiration. Ok, Cloris Leachman is one hot bitch, and definitely super cool. But inspiration for an elegant fox trot? I think not.
Lindsay Lohan in 2 years.
Not quite the menage trois I was hoping for tonight.
I’m still undecided about Mya’s future as a dancer, but she at least has very good taste-the deep red and cream costumes are gorgeous and perfect for the fox trot. The dance? Pretty good. Cute, and well danced. Mya did well, Cabana Boy is the one I have a bone to pick with…he needs to challenge her more. She is so talented, and his choreo has been so lame lately. This could have been much more intriguing.
I think I need to hold Len’s evening meds, because homey is losing it. He trashes Mya and CB for using gimmicks….
The only thing I’m pissed off about is that it wasn’t me.
….even though all they did was pose in front of a screen at the beginning, and the end of their performance. Not exactly props or train conductor’s outfits…I don’t see what the problem is. Len has got it out for these two, and I’m dying to figure out why. Suggestions? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
Guano Loco adamantly disagrees, comparing Mya to old Hollywood starlets, saying she looked beautiful and danced like an angel. Scary Ann then totally forgot her lines and accused Len of smoking crack. Then realized what she did and tried to cover by saying…”not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Stupid Guano tried to jump in with a funny, saying Scary Ann was confusing him with Andre Agassi, and that fell flat on the floor.
No raro, Guano Loco!
Len proves how much he hates Mya by giving them a 7, flanked by 9′s from Scary and Guano for a total of 25. Ouch. Vendettas are a bitch.
Now, to add a narcotic induced euphoria to the evening, here are our
coke dealers good friends MethFace and Svetlana! Round of applause for NA’s latest dropouts!
You supply the habit, we supply the fun!
Last episode, MethFace shocked us all like a hot defibrillator with an astoundingly elegant waltz. MF says it is so rewarding for him because he is working SO hard.
Working, tweaking. Semantics.
Tonight, Methie and Svetlana have been handed the jive. Again, this could be perfect for Methface, a chance for him to harness all of his
highfrenetic energy. To help him with that, Svetlana takes him to a gym, where he works with a trainer on plyometrics. I don’t know how much this is going to help him. Plyometrics is a type of exercise that improves power and speed in athlete’s movements. Just because someone told you you take Olympian sized hits, doesn’t mean that you are an athlete, dear MethFace.
Plyometrics must help tweakers too, because this jive rocked. MF totally kept up with Svetlana, which is saying a lot, because girlfriend was working it like the rent-to-own furniture bill was due. Great, great, high energy, creatively choreographed routine. Methie was a little creepy in the face, but didn’t let down the furious pace once.
The jive, not to be confused with “Meth Face and Svetlana RiverDance: The Pink Dress Edition,” due out next summer.
Let’s see what the
crackheads, apparently judges thought. Guano Loco screamed that MF kicked ass! To the galaxy and beyond! SMH. Scary Ann compared him to a RoadRunner, then complimented him and told him the dance was great, his best performance ever. Len commented that it was wild, but it was clean, it was fast, but it had control. He teased that he is tempted to dust off his “10″ paddle.
Don’t tease me Len. No, seriously, don’t tease me. Ew. No more HappyHousewife Martinis for you.
MethFace and Svetlana manage to pull out a 29! Scary Ann was the only holdout with a 9. I cannot believe Len would seriously give Mya and CB a 7 but MF and Svetlana a 10. This shit is soooooo rigged, peeps!
From uppers to downers, we move on to Kelly and Louis. Last week, Kelly performed a jitterbug that was very meh, prompting Bruno to describe it as “beige”. Kelly is very distraught, she says it is because she was called beige, but I’m guessing she’s out of pills.
I’m sorry, Kelly, I feel the same way when I run out of “Mommy’s Little Helpers”.
Pretty much the entire rehearsal/personality segment is just one big meltdown by Kelly. I felt like I was watching my three year old at naptime when I tell her that no, she can not take a bag of licorice to bed with her. Total Nuclear Meltdown. She was having a tantrum because she felt all this pressure and that Louis was being too hard on her. She should consider herself lucky she’s partnered with Louis and not me, because I would have smacked the shit out of her and told her to put on her big girl panties and deal with it.
Their performance is overshadowed by Louis’ pants at first. Holy shit. Kelly designed him teal pants made entirely out of fringe.
I’d be crying too if I had to take credit for those outfits.
As it goes on, it reveals itself to be good, much due to the fact that Louis is literally manhandling Kelly around the floor. While Louis is probably well versed in manhandling, it doesn’t look like Kelly is even capable of performing some of the moves without Louis whipping and shoving her into place. He kind of just puppets her around, but to her defense, she’s really good at letting him lead and making it look purposeful yet natural.
Scary Ann calls Kelly up to the podium so she can suck face with her. She might as well suck her ass, because that’s exactly what her compliments are doing. She says it was great. Len says that this was the first time her confidence has been spot on, but her dancing still needs to come up a notch. Guano Loco must have had a party in his pants, because he jumped up on the podium to shake his ass for a few minutes before praising Kelly as well. Why are these judges sucking up so much to Kelly? Are they hoping Sharon will dance next season? And Ozzy after that? That’s all I can think of, because they totally favor her.
Guano Loco, no bueno! No bueno!
They continue the love fest by giving the couple 8′s all around, for a total of 24. Wow. Forget about objective judging on this show. I guess that’s somewhat oxymoronic, but one can hope.
Although, at least I like Kelly, unlike the next trick up for show. It’s Poopa Barbie and Ken Doll. They have been tasked with working a romantic rumba tonight. Poopa is worried about how this will go, because she does not see Ken Doll in a romantic light whatsoever. We then see an actually hilarious dream sequence of Ken Doll imagining what it would be like to be in a romance with Poopa, complete with her in bikini, running down a beach and everything. Ken Doll does a good job of making fun of himself, dreaming of kissing Poopa while actually making out with himself in a mirror. He must have gotten the Humor Upgrade while in for service two weeks ago.
Ken Doll’s dream come true, my worst nightmare.
It’s ok, Ken Doll, Maks and I have the same arrangement. I stick to the mirror, he doesn’t file for the restraining order.
Because I am unable to actually say anything remotely positive about her, I can report that Poopa’s costumes were not terrible, although I despise flesh colored nylon that is supposed to look like you’re naked when you’re not. Either have the balls to go for it, or cover it up, you know what I mean? None of this in between shit.
That goes for you and your ambiguous genitalia as well, Ken Doll.
The dancing was not terrible as well. Poopa still has the personality of one of my kid’s baby dolls, but Ken Doll makes up for it with his manufactured charm and very smart choreography. He seamlessly covers all of her flaws with his strengths. I better watch it, I’m almost starting to crush on dear Ken Doll.
Len, I think, liked the performance, but gave the most ambivalent judging I’ve ever heard. Guano called Poopa a love goddess, and I’m thinking he was watching a different show. Scary Ann didn’t even bother actually critiquing the dance. She commented on the costumes and said she enjoyed watching them, but didn’t actually say anything about their dancing. Not rigged at all, promise.
Predictably, we get 9′s out of all three judges for a total of 27, putting them near the top, trailing only Meth Face and Svetlana. After all individual performances are complete, the leaderboard looks as such:
Aaron and Karina: 29
Joanna and Derek: 27
Mya and Dmitry: 25
Kelly and Louis: 24
Donny and Kym: 24
Michael and Anna: 23
Mark and Anna/Lacey: 19
Now time for the team clusterfuck.
I knew it! I knew they opened the gates of Hell to get the people for this show!
Team Douche-o is, well, douchey from the beginning. Mikey tries his best to get his team to rally, but Svetlana and Sucky are too busy having a pissing contest to see who is the biggest skank. MethFace is worried too many cooks in the kitchen is going to ruin the dish.
At the second rehearsal, Sucky is out sick, so Anna #2 is stepping in, which proves to make things run much smoother for the Team of Douches. They are determined to stick together as a team and hold it together for a slamming routine.
I had never considered “I Hate Myself For Loving You” as a song for a Paso, but I like it. The dance begins with a group sequence, then a solo from each couple, ending with another group sequence. Everyone does well. Mikey, the least skilled of the bunch, does very well. The Paso suits him well. The best was definitely Mya and Dmitry. Their footwork and spins were the shit. The group sequences were a bit elementary, but clean.
Team Douche-o in the house!!!
All of the judges agree with me, Scary Ann adding that Mark redeemed his earlier disaster with this routine. The judges bestow 8′s on Team Douche-o, meaning that each couple will add 24 points to their individual score.
Please tell me they’re lining up for a duel.
We see Team Wango convinced they have the upperhand, as they have less couples….meaning less egos to deal with. They are also happy with the fact they have two of the strongest dance couples, Donny/Hatchetface and Poopa/Ken Doll, as well as a huge fan favorite in Kelly/Louis. The pros on this team were very smart, deciding that instead of fighting, they would work together to choreograph the whole routine out first, then teach a finished product to the stars.
All team members, including and mostly Poopa, try to convince us that Team Wango is a team and if one of them fail, they all fail. You know Poopa would throw any one of those team members under a bus if she thought it would help her, but for now, she is a team player.
There is no “I” in Team, bitches!!
Blown away, guys. I knew Team Wango would be way better than the douches, but they definitely outperformed my expectations. Louis and Ken Doll are arguably the best choreographers on the show, and Donny and Joanna two of the best dancers. All three couples were in total sync, and the solos were outstanding. The opening sequence even included the bitches fighting over Donny. Well done, Wango.
Mormon Porn is just a bonus.
The judges are thrilled, Scary so much so that she spanked the pros for adding a lift, which is apparently a no-no in the tango. Len praised their constant hold, which is what makes the Tango a difficult dance, and said that they were far superior to Team Douche-o. Guano screamed about something, I took it to be positive because he wasn’t flinging shit.
Scary Ann and Len score a 9, and Guano Loco ups the crazy by awarding them a 10 for a grand total of 28 to be added to their individual scores, crushing Team Douche-o.
With the team competition over, our final leaderboard looks like this:
Joanna and Derek: 27+28=55
Aaron and Karina: 29+24=53
Donny and Kym: 24+28=52
Kelly and Louis: 24+28=52
Mya and Dmitry: 25+24=49
Michael and Anna: 23+24=47
Mark and Lacey/Anna: 19+24=43
Alrighty, my Gasmic Darlings! Another show in the books. Who do you think is dancing for their lives on the results show, and potentially going home? Stay tuned for Flipit’s pic recap to find out! See you next week loveys!
Love and Bubbles, HappyHousewife