Tonight on Dancing With the Stars Results, MethFace gets puddin’ on his face, Courtney Cox is a Visitor, and Bruno stains his pants.
Help Rod Stewart! He’s having some sort of an attack! Wait. He’s singing some raspy ass bs song? Let him go.
Last night, MethFace tied with the highest score of the season and his face almost popped off.
We open tonight like we always do. With Useless Samantha pretending Tom just said something absolutely hilarious to her. He just looks at her incredulously.
Didn’t get enough of last night’s team tango? Then let’s watch it again!!
Donny you look so butch right now!!
Keep it in your pants, Chunky Gwen Stefani! He’s a married man child.
Only this show could make this happen. If you had told Chunky Gwen just a year ago that she’d be simulating sex with an Osmand, she would have cut your throat and had your car chopped.
My white bread!
Tom! That was hilarious!
Ees dat a yayllow shirt or is you zupporting ballz cayncer?
What a pretty Homecoming thing! You’re supposed to wear a dress under it, though.
When in doubt, have your vagina threaten to beat up the judges.
Your reptile skin is showing.
Chunky Gwen is looking fabulous and losing a shitload of weight. So why are they still dressing her like the Cookie Monster?
Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman
I don’t think Tom likes watching the same numbers five hundred times, either.
Chunky Gwen is safe! Iron Chef is NOT safe! Coming up, more time you could have spent learning a skill!
If you’d stop popping out brats you wouldn’t have to shop at Walmart. Just saying.
Kiss me you fool!
Jesus. Why do I feel like Walmart’s stalking me right now?
It’s called bulimia, fatty.
If the Indians knew defeat would lead to this, they would have fought harder.
But I looooove hiiiiiiiim!
And now for Colbie Calliat!! And the giant zit on her forehead!
Watch out, Jessica Simpson! There’s a new Proactiv girl in town!
You know you’ve got talent when you can get Ellen D to play guitar for you.
Wow the seamstress really slacked on this one. Here’s some boob tape. Places!
OK Saturday Night Fever. If only we could see John Travolta in this today.
Can a shoulder baby be far behind?
So are you guys voting for Obama or McCain?
Donny’s safe! Michael’s not safe!!
Alright. Who crimped Kelly?
This can’t end well.
Cuz who doesn’t want to tell their guests they bought their furniture from the plumber?
Being poor and dowdy is way easier when you’re not alone.
In other news, God still hates California.
Ballas and Hough are gonna sing for us!! Really poorly!
Ouch. You’re lucky your pretty and flexible. Please don’t open your mouth ever again. Unless it’s to apologize.
The backup dancers look just like everyone at home right now.
Beware of midgets in dark alleys. They will steal your soul.
In this version, Little Red Riding Hood gets sick of waiting for the wolf and slaughters grandma herself.
Now here are some secrets to lasting on DWTS.
Never leave your spoon at home.
Don’t listen to anything your dance partner tells you. IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU.
Make sure there is at least one lighting person on the staff who knows how to light black people. Seriously, this is just not cool.
Flip around a lot. They’ll never look at your feet.
Be nice to Gwen or her mother will pull out your weave.
It’s all in the platform shoes.
Mya’s safe! Random Blonde is safe! MethFace is not safe!
Wipe your lip.
So, MethFace, how did you change clothes so fast?
CVS filled our prescription fast so my husband never forgot to get a boner.
The rumors were true! Paula Abdul IS coming to DWTS!
Poor guy has to cook and empty the bed pans. Someone needs a vacay!
Oh Phyllis Diller. Retire already!
Yes it is the same ole song. But now with man baby dancing and way less breath in your lungs. This hurts almost as bad as Ballas and Hough.
Hey! You broke Useless!
I get to keep the clothes, right? Cuz everyone’s lovin my Michelle Obama arms.
If you can tell me which one is Courtney Cox I’ll give you a dollar.
You were right!
You can save money by slaughtering your own cows. Go fig. Thanks, news!
Bruno just spontaneously ejaculated.
And Lacy is wearing the perfect clean up ensemble.
I’d like to point out what is wrong about this look but I’m running out of time. Just start from the boob fold and move your way up.
I think there’s a dragon over there. Let’s chase it.
Reenactment of the time he tried to pay his dealer with a check.
Meth face is safe!!
I’m touched. Can I have five dollars?
I feel violated. I showed Bruno my cornhole for nothing.