Dancing With The Stars: Decades of Dancing Nightmares

This week on Dancing With The Stars: the final five “stars” get down to business with two dances each.

In case you didn’t see Flipit’s Pic Recap of the Results Show (bad, bad dog! Go read it now!), we ended up losing Mikey Irvin right off the bat, followed by Karate Kid after he lost the dance off to Meth Face.

So that means Meth Face will live to dance another week, which means we wait to see if the Tweaker Turnpike busting out of his forehead chooses tonight to burst all over the stage!

Because it’s now only the final five dancing, they had to fill two hours they had to intensify the competition by requiring each duo to dance two individual routines, one traditional ballroom, one latin. The latin dance will be decade themed, just to make sure the dancers look absolutely ridiculous as they are salsaing away their dignity.

Our poor ‘stars’, who are obviously not used to working, are fighting fatigue, illness, and stress to fight for the Mirror Ball Trophy.

But the competition continues, so let’s welcome our stars!!!

On another side note, as this show was starting, my 4 year old was playing and somewhat heard the beginning…as they were announcing the couples, she asked, “Mommy? Is that show called Dancing With The Farts?” Ha freaking ha. We start them young around this HappyHousehold. Anyhoo…..

Back to our ‘stars’!

Because the four couples that make it out of this week alive are headed to the finals, apparently our judges are going to pull their mouths off the wine boxes they have stashed underneath their podium and turn up the heat on the judging.

They also have been giving blowjobs totaking lessons from the guys over at ESPN, because they want to illustrate how serious they are with a breakdown of every dancer, what styles they will be dancing tonight, and what they are looking for in those dances. For the ballroom round…

Donny will be dancing a Viennese Waltz. The things Len and Scary Ann are looking for are gracefulness and posture. For Joanna Poopa and her quickstep, they call her out again for the stumble in her dance with Maks (yes!) and say that keeping her technique in the fast quickstep will be key.

Kelly will be dancing a fox trot tonight, and the thing she needs to focus on is technique-they say she hasn’t improved on technique since week three and mediocrity is not good enough to get her into the finals. “Grow, or go,” said Len, and I presume he mistook Kelly for one of the lady boys he hires to come home with him after the show.

Mya’s been assigned the quickstep, and Scary Ann bitches that she doesn’t put enough effort into her footwork, instead relying on showmanship. So she needs to try harder or something. Doesn’t matter, Len’s going to give her a five anyway.

As for Meth Face…well, Len says he is the boy that has become a man. I can only presume how Len knows this, and now I will begin bleaching that out of my mind. MF will also be dancing the Fox Trot tonight, and his key to succeeding will be to restrain himself and stay in the zone.

After finishing that unnecessary commentary, it is time to begin the performances. First up are Mya and Cabana Boy with their quickstep. Last week, they danced what I thought was a lovely Fox Trot. Guano Loco and Scary Ann agreed, but Len did not, giving them a 7. Many theories have been discussed as to why Len hates Mya/Dmitry so much. My two favorite theories? Either he really dislikes Mya and/or Cabana Boy for some behind the scenes reason, or it’s a setup by the producers for dramatic shock or to keep them from running away with the game. Mya is head and shoulders above any of the other stars in raw dancing talent, so there has got to be a reason Len is critiquing them so harshly.

The two sit down for a meeting before beginning rehearsals. They too are not sure what to do to make Len happy, so they have decided to just stick with their game plan which is to dance well.

Mya is really stressed out about scoring well this week with two dances, and getting into the finals, so Cabana Boy decides to take her horseback riding to get the competition off her mind.

Now to the performance…it was good! It appears as though they were able to avoid the dreaded “Quickstep Curse”. Mya kept her frame locked but fluid while nailing her footwork. Dmitry’s choreography was a little waltzy in a few places, but he kept the footwork simple yet effective. Let’s see what Len had to say…I slipped some GHB into his metamucil when he came over for mimosas this morning, so hopefully it helped.

We begin the judging with Len, and….slipping him the mickey must have worked, because he is pleased! He tries to tease us first, saying “…I am disappointed tonight, because…I can’t find anything to criticize!” Oh, delightful, clever Lennie. Bring your valium and a bottle of wine, and we can do crossword puzzles and paint each other’s toes and tell stories about how great we think we are. Oh, hi. Back to the recap. Right. El Guano Loco (um, hello? That means Batshit Crazy. And he has an accent. I know it’s not a spanish accent, but still. This is funny shit, people!) Guano compared Mya to the vintage champagne he’s been drinking all night, light and delicious, and Scary Ann commented that Mya made the intricate footwork look like it just flowed out of her body. Rave reviews all around, finally!

Holy crap guys, Len gave them a ten! Guano Loco as well, and Scary Ann throwing up a nine for a total of 29. Well, well, well. Cabana Boy must have helped Len to see things our way this week. Interesting.

Fresh off his victorious dance off with Karate Kid last week, next up is our favorite couple, Meth Face and Svetlana, performing a Fox Trot for our narcotic pleasure.

Last week, MF and his bitch Svetlana wowed the judges enough to earn a couple of tens and the highest individual score of the evening, but must not have shared impressed the audience because they still ended up in the bottom two and dancing for their lives. Oh, wait, this isn’t SYTYCD, I just wish it was. Ended up in the bottom two and having to save themselves in a dance-off. That’s better.

Anyhoo, so this week, MF wants to really prove to the viewers how great he is and how powerful of a team he and Svetlana make. (He really, REALLY wants to eff her. It’s kind of funny, actually. The rumor floating around the rags for awhile was that they were boinking, but I think that was leaked purely for publicity. She’s obviously not giving in, by the way he worships her, but keeps him thinking he’s got a chance. That’s some high level ho shit there, Svetlana, well played.)

While preparing for the Fox Trot, we discover that Svetlana has been infected by the plague as well (the flu, not whoreitis, though I understand why you thought that), and has a fever. She and Meth Face agree that he is not allowed to tweakdance with anyone else, so he puts on a face mask to keep the germs out, and she decides to power through.

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Other than the music, which the cover band arranged to sound like a song I heard on Sesame Street the other day, their Fox Trot was lovely. Simple, but maybe a bit too simple. There was a genuine sweetness between the two of them that matched the tone of the dance, but no wow factor. It was smooth, but not quite as floaty and angelic as I’d like a Fox Trot to be.

El Guano Loco said he could tell how much work MF had put into the dance, but it wasn’t as smooth and free as a Fox Trot should be. Scary Ann called him out on a few bobbles, complimented him on paying attention to the details, but said he lost some fluidity in a couple of places. Len, all of a sudden, is all in lurve with Meth Face and compared him to his son in a toy shop, which I guess is his way of giving a compliment?

Whoa, harsh scores ahead! Scary Ann cunted it up with a 7, while Guano and Len both threw up 8′s for a total score of 23. I know it wasn’t amazing or anything, but shit, it was better than a 23. I think poor little MF needs to try a tactic other than sucking up to get these judges on his side.

Speaking of cunts, next up is Joanna Poopa and Ken Doll!

This week, Poopa and Ken’s first dance will be the quickstep. They have decided Poopa’s biggest competition is Mya, which is true, yes, but kind of mean to admit. They watch footage of Mya to check out her strengths and weaknesses to try to give Poopa the upper hand. They’re pretty much saying, fuck you, Donny, MF, and Kelly, we know you losers are going to get the boot before the finals. How sweet.

As for their quickstep…I thought it was pretty bad. Ken Doll, of course, danced it well, and it just looked like Poopa was running after him the whole time. She still has ZERO personality, or rhythm. Basically, she is athletic enough to perform the steps, but without any musicality or feeling behind them. But I suppose that’s how it has to be when you’re a Barbie.

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Scary Ann calls her out on the footwork mistakes she made, and notes how she had trouble keeping up with Ken Doll. Len flat out tells her it was a lot of running about, and just not up to standard for the quarterfinals. El Guano Loco says she looked like she was running away from the scene of the crime, and that it was definitely not one of her better performances.

I was going to rant about how rigged this shit is if she managed to score higher than Meth Face, but she didn’t…two 8′s and a 7 for the same total of 23.

Now, to fug it up a little bit, we move on to Kelly and Louis and their Fox Trot. This is just the perfect assigment for disaster, as the Fox Trot suits long, lean, graceful dancers, and Kelly is…well, none of those. But she’s cute, and the audience seems to like her, so who knows.

Kelly is easily distracted, so to get her to concentrate, he locks up all of her belongings in a box until the end of rehearsal. Supposedly this exchange was cute, or something, but I am totally distracted by how skinny Kelly has gotten over the course of this show. She still looks chubby, but that is only because she has a layer of baby fat over all her joints, kind of like a 4 year old. She’s actually quite tiny now. Good for her. Better to dance it off than snort it off. Well, not more fun, but healthier anyhow.

Let’s break this Fox Trot down. The bad: it was the first time I’ve seen a fox trot done in disco outfits to a hip hop arrangement, but okay. The good: it was the first time Kelly looked like a real dancing girl rather than a rag doll Louis was throwing around the floor. She very much improved in holding back that blank look she gets on her face when she’s concentrating, and instead keeping the game face on throughout. Nice.

Len praises Kelly for her grace, but knocks her on her distracting footwork. El Guano Loco noted her improvement in performance and staying focused. Scary Ann says that Kelly has a secret weapon in that the audience loves her, but to stay in the competition, she needs to work on her spots and extension of her range of motion. A pretty safe judging, overall. I’m guessing 8′s across the board.

Of course, leave it to Guano Loco to fuck up my game, giving her a 9. Everybody else plays along with 8′s, giving Kelly a total score of 25. On top of Meth Face and Poopa, but trailing Mya. Which only can mean…..

Round of applause for the Mormon Musketeer, Mr. Donny Osmond!!! Joined by his lovely partner Hatchetface for a Viennese Waltz. Hold up, bitches. The other couples have to perform either a Fox Trot or a Quickstep, both notoriously more difficult than the Viennese Waltz? No, ABC doesn’t want a Mya/Donny/Poopa finale. Not at all.

Donny recaps for Hatchetface (and the cameras) what a rough week he had last week. Between his shows in Vegas, two dances for this show, and trying to see his family, he had no down time and was not having fun, and hit a wall. This week, he has a new outlook and is excited to dance. Donny just kind of creeps me out…he is some weird Mormon robot programmed to act human. Seriously freaky.

Let’s have a fucked-up-face party!

Hmmm….that waltz was a little cheesetastic, a little fake, and a little rapey, much like Donny himself. Lines were good, spins good, footwork good, but unlike his usual performances, Donny wasn’t very starrific. Didn’t seem 100% committed.

Guano Loco actually scores some bonus points with me by comparing Donny’s dance to a Lifetime movie. That is a great metaphor, my crazy leetle friend. He was entertained, and not just by Donny shaking his ass. Scary Ann found it mesmerizing, and noting an improvement in his posture. Len agrees with the better posture, and says the dance was a little “arty-farty”. Guano Loco butts in with “there’s nothing wrong with farty.” And….you just lost your bonus points. Good job.

As for scores, Donny and Hatchetface earn a couple of 9′s as well as an 8 for a total of 26. I call bullshit, but what do I know? I just sit around and drink vodka and verbally abuse reality stars all day long.

As if this evening isn’t painful enough, we now move on from the ballroom round to the decade themed latin ballroom round. Cause themes just ultimately mean cool on this show, swear.

They kill some more time with a latin clusterfuck dance starring Tony, Mark, and some no names.

Because they are not pathetic enough, the judges engage in another Sportscenteresque display of idiocy hyping the latin round. Donny will be performing an 80′s themed Paso Doble, and Len says he is looking for power out of this routine-he wants Donny to be like an action hero, like Rambo–Donbo. Donbo? Seriously, that’s the best you could come up with?

Scary Ann thinks Mya likes to play it safe, and she and Len agree that she needs to go crazy and come out of her shell if she wants to win with a 70′s samba. Joanna will be dancing a futuristic Paso Doble, and needs to concentrate on sticking everything, according to Scary. If she performs like she is capable of doing, she can earn 10′s, adds Len. As for Kelly and her 60′s jive, she needs to stop relying on Louis so much and prove she can do it herself. Finally, if Meth Face can focus his tweakerish frenetic energy, he should be able to nail his 90′s samba.

To begin the latin round, we have Mya and Dmitry, who is sporting a serious porn ‘stache.

They draw, out of a mirrorball bowl that looks like it fell off the discount shelf at Kmart, the decade of the 1970′s to go with their samba. Mya is pleased, and they decide to incorporate some disco moves. While choreographing the dance, however, Cabana Boy runs out of moves. Interesting. Most of us saw Mya’s insistance on helping with choreography as her trying to be in control, but now I think it may be because it is necessary. Cabana Boy admits that this is the furthest he has ever made it in this competition, and the pressure is causing him to have some troubles coming up with the routines. That actually really sucks for Mya. If she was with someone like Ken Doll or Louis, she wouldn’t have even needed to try to win this thing.

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Other than the lack of extremely unique or interesting choreography (bad, Cabana Boy, bad!) that was a really good performance. Mya actually seemed to remove the stick from her ass and get into the groove a bit. I have nothing bad to say about her dancing, I just think she needed more difficult and intriguing steps to work with.

After a standing ovation from the studio audience, the judges weigh in. Scary Ann screams that she believes now that Mya wants to win this thing, and that she did a great job. Len says that she was on fire and that her hips were hypnotic, and she did it without gimmicks. Guano Loco rolls some R’s and sings some Diana Ross and yeah. He’s on contract, what can they say?

After that tonguebath, I’m expecting spectacular scored, and they do not disappoint—10′s all around! A perfect 30, the first of the season! That gives them a formidable final score of 59. I think we have a contender here, folks!!!

With the unenviable task of following Mya, next up is Meth Face with another samba, this one 90′s style.

Meth Face, still rocking the face mask to protect himself from the whoreitis, and the whoreSvetlana think they have an edge with the 90′s assignment, because MF actually had a careergrew up in the 90′s. Svetlana gang banged her way through the 90′s, but that’s not family friendly enough for primetime. Meth Face, who should just never talk, tries to help by showing off and wanting to incorporate some of the dance moves he used to do.

In another example of songs that should not be arranged for ballroom dancing and covered by a shitty band, MF and Svet danced to “Two Princes” by the Spin Doctors. 90′s yes, samba no. The dance itself was pretty darn good, actually. Lines were great, footwork great, energy perfect.

Len comments that it is hard to follow a perfect score, but that their energy and performance sold their dance. Guano starts talking about marrying things, and I’m lost. Scary Ann says MF was hitting it, and she is happy.

He got positive comments all around, but are they going to screw him on scores like usual? The answer is no, they get a board full of nines for a total of 27…about on par with what I was thinking, very good. This allows them to end the week with a final score of 50, still trailing Mya by 9 points.

Next up, to help you puke the gallon of wine you’ve consumed during this crapfest, is Poopa and Ken Doll. They have been assigned a futuristic Paso Doble, which allows Ken Doll the chance to show off his true robot identityrobot impression.

Poopa is overwhelmed by the unique dance and intricate steps. She needs a hard drive upgrade and some more RAM, apparently. Honey, if you’re looking for some Ram, Ken Doll is the wrong partner to be hanging with, you know what I mean? Ken is excited about this, the most unique dance he’s ever done on DWTS, and wants it to turn out perfectly.

Well, that was certainly interesting.

The dance, while very unique and entertaining, kind of sucked for me. All the robot moves Derek incorporated for a robotic feel definitely succeeded, but all the robot stuff lift very little Paso Doble. What Paso there was felt very choppy and silly because of the other moves and ambiance. Not impressed, Robot Barbie.

El Guano Loco calls Ken Doll a genius, but I think that’s only because he wants to take him home later. Scary Ann says in addition to Ken Doll being brilliant, Poopa did not miss a step…which is FALSE! I saw two missteps, bitch. Len agrees with everything that has already been said, adding a compliment to the Paso Doble…wrong again!!! These bitches suck.

El Guano must really want to put his tongue in Ken Doll’s ambiguous genitalia, because he gives them a 10, as well as Len. Scary falls in with a 9, giving them a total of 29 for this dance and an evening total of 52.

Kelly is up now to show us her 60′s jive. She was very excited for this dance, because she loves the sixties era, and it was the theme for her fist music video so she has some costume design and dance moves to contribute.

I will really, really like Kelly even more than I already do if she was in on the joke of the song choice. The first line is something about a rag doll, and they use one as a prop in the opening bars. Because the only reason she has made it this far is due to Louis throwing her around like one, I really hope she was making fun of herself. Cute. Other than the lime green monstrosity on her head and the black cat that died on Louis’, their jive is meh. Kelly lost her footwork a couple of times, and her first dance tonight was much better. I’m sure the judges will eat it up with a spoon, though, especially since the 60′s was the last time Len remembers, well…anything.

Len begins the judging by complimenting Kelly for being a revelation this season, getting stronger and stronger every week. Bruno says it was groovy, then tried to lure Kelly to him like a knee toucher with a van and some candy. Creepy. Scary says it was one of her best performances, but keeps it real by calling them out on the scary rag doll prop.

I agree with Scary Ann’s score of 8, but think Guano and Len’s nines are inflated, giving them a latin score of 26 and an overall score of 51, next to last.

Ending the evening’s performances will be Donny and Hatchetface with a 80′s Paso Doble. Donny is stoked because A-they are going for a 80′s glam rock vibe, which means he will be able to wear makeup, and B-he thinks the 80′s rocked, because he had a mullet.

Holy shit, you guys, these costumes:

Costuming mess aside, I thought the dance was pretty bad. Not much Paso, but a lot of posturing and just walking around, which is rare for Donny. Either he was not into it at all or Hatchetface really screwed the pooch with the choreo this week. Not impressed, but maybe those trainwreck costumes will make up for it.

Len starts by saying that it was the most scary, disturbing, weird Paso Doble he has ever seen. Bruno says that the routine had more camp in it than a drag queen convention, and if anyone ever knew anything about queens, it would be El Guano Loco. Scary Ann think they went a little too far, going from absorbed to insane.

The Mormons must have been late with their bribery check, because Donny only manages to get a 24, 8′s across the board, bringing his overall total to a 50, tying for last place.

Wow, guys, that was a long episode of shit. I suppose I would rather have them dance twice than try that team or competition junk again, though. Well, this is how the final leaderboard turned out:

Wow, Mya really knocked it out of the park this week, didn’t she? Which one of the losers stuck at the bottom are going home? Stay tuned for Flipit’s pic recap to find out! Thanks babies!

Love and Bubbles, HappyHousewife