Dancing With The Stars: The First Cut Is the Deepest

As Tom Bergeron promised us, one couple has been sent packing from ABC’s Dancing with the Stars. Was it the model we’ve never heard of or the model we simply care nothing about?

Better not be me or I’ll cut someone.

Models tend to have small fan bases (along with journalists, most sports commentators, and reality T.V. contestants,) and therefore don’t stand much of a chance against TV stars, world-champion athletes, and iconic singers…or even flash-in-the-pan singers who recently shucked out a kid fathered by a comedian who wishes mother and child would just go away. (Yes, I mean you, Mel B.)

Let’s take a walk down memory lane and salute the first-to-gos from seasons past! The very first Dancing With the Stars had only a handful of contestants, several of whom were suspiciously connected with other Alphabet network shows. But in spite of her relation to an ABC reality show, Trista Rehn (late of The Bachelorette) washed out after one waltz. She didn’t mind much, though, since she got to wear a pretty dress on T.V., and she knew TPTB had already signed on the dotted line to shill her nuptials to dim firefighter Ryan Sutter. It’s a wonder they didn’t broadcast the birth of the couple’s offspring, as well.

The second outing of the show gave us the movement stylings of one Kenny Maine. Notice how I tactfully avoided applying the word “dancing” to what the ESPN sports anchorman did. If you missed it, believe me when I tell you it was huMaine for everyone involved to send the man packing. If you had the misfortune to see what he did, I hope your nightmares have subsequently subsided.

Political commentator Tucker Carlson was first out in season three, but I’m not sure his heart was ever in the competition. If I remember correctly, Carlson actually spent half of his one and only “dance” doing exactly what he does at his day job: sitting in his ass.

I ain’t movin’.

Season four saw a model shown to the door only moments after she’d strapped on her dancing shoes. Paulina Porizkova, it turns out, is just a tall, lovable, beautiful klutz. She reminds me of the Collapsible Frinks in the Dr. Seuss books, only with a much better smile.

That brings us to the current battle being waged on the wood floor, and before I turned on my VCR to watch the first results show of the season (to find out which couple will be the first to be sent home,) I reviewed in my head each of the pairs I’d watched during the first two parts of the excessively long premiere. I deduced that, regardless of his passable performance and his “warp-drive crotch action,” Albert Reed was most likely to go. I based the conclusion on his lack of fan base and the fact that he’s a model.

Who will join the illustrious roster of super-clods? Well, we won’t find out until after we’ve wasted an entire hour.

Turns out my time contemplating the first two episodes was unnecessary, as I’d forgotten the results show is comprised of replaying the rehearsal footage, the dances, and the judges’ comments until we can all repeat the dialogue verbatim. There’s also the edited version, wherein all the stars look like they did something impressive, and the confessional interviews, during which Mark Cuban seizes yet another opportunity to brag about the bucket loads of money he made when he sold his company. Every time he mentions the $5.7 billion profit and how good it felt, but then claims he likes the dancing better, I like him even less. Jealous? Yes, I am.

In the first five minutes, we’re reminded three times that the women danced on Monday and the men danced on Tuesday. This show is really helpful for learning the days of the week. Then the Cheetalicious Girl and her partner were asked to repeat their cha-cha for the good of all mankind.

Waaaaaahhhhh THANK YOU!!!!!

After, Tom and his son began announcing which couples are safe…and working up to that all important light cue where the stage goes red. Intermittently, a miscellaneous person strolled out to entertain the audience, since, let’s face it, those who are there only for the results show kind of get shortchanged in the performance department. What appeared to be a Dolly Parton imitator hit the stage for a rousing rendition of 9 to 5…a work ethic to which none of these celebrities can relate. Following the singer, Drew Lachey headed backstage to talk to the guys. Amid the idiotic chatter, Drew said something about being gone by the end of the season because Samantha would be back by then. At that point I began shouting for joy and jumping about. I missed the rest of the wasteful segment, but didn’t bother to rewind the tape. Instead, I ran to get a calendar and begin an official countdown for the new mom’s return to her rightful place.

When I stopped shouting my thanks that the bad hosting will be less bad soon (Let’s face it: Samantha isn’t actually top-drawer, either,) Savion Glover and his group Bare Sounds were giving a class in what real talent looks like as part of new feature to highlight real dancers. You know, tap dancing (and I’m not kidding here…I used to teach it) can actually be broken down into six very simple steps. Everything a tapper does is a combination of those half dozen moves. But what Glover does with those six steps is awe-inspiring…and he makes it look so effortless. Heck, he even made the band sound good! Made me just want to run out in a gesture of gratitude and shop at segment sponsor Macy’s.

The drag queen pretending to be Dolly Parton came out again, and then a video of the aforementioned season three loser Kenny Maine was shown. It included some cheap promotion of ABC’s destined to fail alleged comedy Cavemen. Believe it or not, more filler was still to come…including commentary from the judges on how hard the practices are and how the contestants need to make a good impression. Really? A good impression? I had no idea. No…I mean it…this is all new information. Who knew?

La Cage Aux Dolly

Finally, it’s down to two couples: Josie and Alec stand along side Mark Cuban and Kym. They’re bathed in the requisite blood as Tom intones that the lowest combined score belongs to…Josie and Alec. Alec has a murderous look on his face…he’s not used to losing, and he obviously doesn’t like it…although he has the presence of mind to ask the two people who voted for him and Josie to vote for his wife, Edyta, in future weeks.

Josie half-heartedly thanks the judges for being honest with her (when they pointed out just how bad she was) and for allowing her to have this great, humiliating public, experience.

So, I was half right. It was a model…I just picked the wrong one.

Then Drew started talking and there was an awful ringing in my ears, so I went to take some aspirin. Let’s hope the nasty noise goes away before next Monday.