Tonight on Dancing With the Stars Results, Len makes this face. I cannot stress enough: botox doesn’t make you look younger. Just scarier. STOP IT, AMERICA!
Only five couples left! Which means more moisturizer for Karina!
Cholas don’t even wear this much Vaseline in a girl fight.
I never wondered what Rosie would look like if she lost a ton of weight until tonight.
Who punched Random Blonde?
What the hell is happening to Len? He’s smiling too much and it’s making me nervous. His face doesn’t even know what to do with itself.
EW. Stop that.
The judges want to see the futuristic Paso Doble again. I want to see the futuristic El Paso.
Yup, still the same as it was in my childhood.
So you’re telling me that the fauxhawk has another fifty years of shelf life? DAMN!
Cloris loved it!
Oh, Tom! You’re hilarious! Where am I?
Come on! You can do it! Reeeeaaaddddd.
Do you hear them, 80′s? STAY DEAD.
Tonight, the role of Chunky Gwen Stefani’s partner will be played by Zoolander.
The pornstache should have earned you a ten, stud.
See how much less talented you look now?
Stop your praying. God doesn’t listen to men in fauxhawks. It’s in the Bible.
The blonde bots are going to the semi finals!! Wowee!! Now on to more important things. The producers are going to use this episode to apologize to the viewers for skewing so young with their musical guests this season. They can’t make up for all that youth in just one results show, but you gotta give em credit for making this much of an effort.
There are three things that I’ve never been tempted to buy in the middle of the night while staring at infomercials. The clapper, a medic alert bracelet, or a Buble album. Ok I’m lying about the medic alert bracelet but I sometimes wake up with mustard on my face and can’t remember why so I figure it might be a good idea to prepare for an ambulance early.
Makeover alert! She looks like a skinny Rosie O’Donnell too! What is going on tonight?
One of my dearest friends has been accused of murder! This is CARAAAZY!
Useless just loves when Tom does the Days of Our Lives brow.
The fear of looking stupid in public isn’t as common as you think.
Holy A List!! I’m putting Julia Roberts as my number four. Just because voicemail, Domino’s and a different Domino’s (in case the wait is too long) take up the mandatory 1, 2 and 3 spots.
The past couple of years, there’s been a trend to use “ordinary, REAL people” in commercials. This trend has gone too far.
Is Ford kidding? A car for people who wear skinny jeans? The entire DWTS demographic just yelled “PASS” at the same time, and now everyone owes each other a Coke.
Angry Stares was my family’s favorite. And it was freeee!
Wait. No Angry Stares? Instead we don’t even look at each other at all? That’s heresy! Wait…actually that’s brilliant.
That’s cheap! I’ll take three! The chick on the left is totally adjusting her Spanx right now.
Does everyone stick their tongue all the way out to take a bite like this? She looks like a rattlesnake about to swallow an armadillo.
Ew! Another real person!
Useless practices opening her mouth wide enough to be on an Olive Garden commercial.
AAAGH! THAT BURP BURNED MY EYES!
One of the most violent ways they’ve come up with to make Donny look taller.
Be patient. You’ll get the phone book back when the segment’s over, Kym!
Mya, I’m trying to think of a gentle way to say this. I hate you. I hate your mother and father for making you. I hate that stage right now because you’re on it. I hate the lighting guy for putting a light on you. This is getting too long. To sum it up, HATE.
Golly! Thanks for your opinion!
Kidding! It was like getting a sponge bath from the Boy Scouts! Well done!
After a stressful couple of weeks, it’s good to see MethFace has taken some time to hibernate in the tanning bed and inhale some meth. He came back this week with enough energy to perform facial acrobatics like we haven’t seen since Jim Carrey’s last movie.
LaToya’s gonna sue over this.
In heaven, my great aunt Georgette just made a little pee stain on her couch.
Hey! He’s modernized his music! Now he can be off key in two different styles! Clap clap.
Least whorish costumes ever. Michael Buble music! You’re killing the show!
Stop blocking our view of the best part of the number, ABC logo!
You guys! I love Dean Sinatra, don’t you?
Mya’s safe! YAY!
Windows 7 gave my Chihuahua a virus! Now look at it!
Why do I suspect that “self-reliance” means you want some money?
I’ve lost my penis, honey. Can you find it?
Men are sooo stuuuuupid!
OMG it was in my hair the whole time!
Yeah he looks totally healthy! Let’s put him on tour and give him some pills!
Why won’t this darn highlighter work? Point is, we’ve predicted a tie between two deserving winners!
Perverts! I challenge you to describe this young girl’s face!
Alright, then. As long as you’re not just rooting for boobies.
Hey! I have boobies too!
America has designed a dance! And they’ve chosen Sabrina to dance it in a Flinstones costume! When our founding fathers closed their eyes at night, do you think they dreamed of moments just like this in their country’s future?
One day, the local Subway was closed for remodeling, so Jarrod begrudgingly went to Wendy’s again. And he never looked back.
Eye of the TIGER. Get it?
Bad sushi off the crafts services table.
America would design a dance with a zurbert in it.
Dear Santa, Queen Latifa is groping me inappropriately. For Christmas, please send the police.
My wireless company must be around my age, very handsome, preferably a sandy blonde, and rich.
Idiots love pistachios.
This show could get seriously awkward.
This guy jerks around like a washing machine that’s missing a foot.
Can you hear him, Olive Garden?
I love Frank Dean, don’t you guys? Guys? Guys?
Donny’s going to the semis!
I Dreamed a Dream that Boyle would whip out some Britney tonight, but NOOOOO.
And now, as Boyle sings, let’s see her story of fame unfold before us.
Ma’am, you can’t sleep in this alley any more. I have to move you.
But waaait! My keeeeys!
OW that hurts! What are you doing to me?
Finally. You can stand. I’ll help you until you’re walking on your own.
I’m going to an open call for some shits and giggles. Do my pits smell?
The pain! The loss! The drunken anger! The blatant crazy eyes! YOU’RE A STAR!
Woah no need to do that. We already gave you the gig.
If that little Iranian brat beats me I’ll kill myself, you hear me? Kill myself!
Ma’am what did I tell you about sleeping in this alley? Come with me!
One day I hope to be rich enough to buy one of these chairs.
Put Donny down!
And now for the results!! Chunky Gwen is in! MethFace is out!! AWYAY. He takes it really well and thanks the judges and all that good stuff, already thinking of the good times ahead.
Can I borrow twenty dollars?