Dancing With The Stars: A Lot Less Cracky

This week on Dancing With The Stars: we are forced to find a way to go on after the sudden departure of Meth Face and Svetlana, who were the couple kicked off last week.

Meth Face and the Tweaker Turnpike running through his forehead will be sorely missed, and will leave us tonight a lot less cracky.

Even though Clever Tom and ABC will remind you no less than 547 times tonight, let me reiterate that tonight is the semi-finals. There are only 4 couples remaining, and DWTS has helpfully explained your choices for the winner of the mirrorball trophy with an easy to use Manual of the Stars.

I sat down to watch this episode with the ill-conceived hope that because there were only 4 couples remaining, it would only be an hour long. But no such luck, instead, each duo will be dancing three times.

First up to fight his way to a spot in the finals is Donny, accompanied by his partner, Hatchetface.

Donny is trying to bounce back from an off week, one in which he danced a really creepy viennese waltz and a Flock of Seagullsesque paso doble. I finally figured out what creeps me out about Donny, and it’s not the Mormonism or the fact that he used to make my mom’s panties moist. It’s the face he makes when he dances-it’s exactly the face I would expect a serial killer to make as he is stabbing me to death. It’s this look of extreme calm, that is barely holding back an unbearable sadness but strangely excited at the same time. Creepy McKillerson, this one.

Between the bad dancing and sociopathic vibes, Donny earned low enough scores to put him in dead last heading into tonight’s semifinal. Because of this, he makes Hatchetface promise him she will work him as hard as she can because he doesn’t want to go home. Why do I feel like this is not the first time McKillerson has solemnly asked someone to work him hard? Anyhoo, they have been assigned the Tango as their first performance of the evening. Hatchetface is rightfully a little concerned with Creepy’s ability to exude the passion that the tango requires, so brings in Gilles Marini to help demonstrate. Apparently this dude was on in season 8, and was also in the Sex and the City movie. Neither of which I have seen, which is why I have no clue who in the fuck he is. I figured he was the token “latin lover” character from one of the ABC soaps, but I guess not because he’s French. But looks Spanish. Anyhoo. On his season, he got perfect 10′s in a bunch of his dances, so he is going to help Donny get in the passionate character he needs. What Creepy gets out of the lesson is that in order to make the dance believable, he has to make everyone feel uncomfortable. Well, if that’s the case, McKillerson, you better get a trophy case ready!

Well, he succeeds in making everyone uncomfortable, but in an awkward sense. The dance just did not feel right to me at all. (Dude, I’m starting to fucking sound like Mary Murphy! Is this what judging dance does to you? Does this mean I get a Vicodin prescription like hers, too?) Technically it was on, but Creepy was flashing the Kelly look of “I’m concentrating way too hard”.

We begin the judging with Creepy falling on the floor, then grunting in discontent, presumably because he is unhappy with his performance. Way to sell it, asshole. You’re not supposed to tell the judges how much you sucked. Len says something was off about it, to which Donny cracks that he was off because he saw Marie. Len then agrees that she will do that too you—whoa, way harsh! She’s sitting in the audience right in front of you! El Guano Loco says that Creepy lost it and the whole dance went to pieces. Scary Ann said the dance was lacking drama, but way to make it to the end.

Boobs asks the duo, when they make it into the redrum room, what exactly went wrong. Hatchetface shows off her tattered dress, which apparently got stuck on her heel at one point during the dance. Creepy is bummed because he really really wanted it, but then he saw Marie and everything fell apart. This teasing isn’t funny, actually, it’s just another reason why he’s creepy. Calling your sister scary lost its humor somewhere around 5th grade, weirdo. The judges respond with a score of 21, sevens across the board. Not good, my friends, not very good.

Next up for your viewing pleasure is the one, the only, Joanna “Barbie” Poopa, and her own life size Ken Doll. Last week after a good futuristic Paso Doble and a lacking Quickstep, she wants to nail all three dances tonight to ensure her place in the final.

It must be guest star night, because Brooke Burke, resident hottie and winner of DWTS season 7 with Ken Doll at her side. She has come in to give Poopa advice about dealing with Ken Doll and on how to win this competition.

Ken Doll and Poopa have been given the Viennese Waltz tonight, which could either be great for them, because it covers up her stiffness, or a disaster because for a model, bitch is not very graceful.

She is lucky, however, because Ken Doll is a brilliant choreographer. That is exactly why he is so successful on this show–he makes his partners look great. The dance was pretty, imagine that, a ten foot tall swimsuit model does have pretty lines. Technically, she did have a few bobbles, and as usual, there was absolutely no personality or emotion behind her movement at all. Not totally godawful, but not great.

El Guano Loco thought this Waltz had the elegance of angels, but had some kind of hesitation that kept him from reaching paradise. WTF, is he masturbating to this shit or something? Fantastic nonetheless, he declares. Scary Ann thinks Poopa has grown very much and took her breath away, but says she doesn’t know how to reach. Len thinks they have great hold and posture and commented on Ken Doll’s choreography.

The judges are unanimous with 9′s, for a total of 27, which I think was fair. Boo.

We move on from Cunty to Cute with Kelly and Louis and a Rumba, our first latin routine of the night. Apparently in every latin routine tonight, the stars are required to let go of their partners and perform a solo. Oh, this should be good.

Last week, Kelly impressed the judges with a much improved Jive and Fox Trot, and wants to keep the success going. However, at the beginning of rehearsal, she gets a phone call that one of the dogs she was helping care for or something has died. Boo hoo, McKillerson probably used it for practice. Louis is impressed because Kelly is able to push it aside and keep on dancing, when in the past she would have broken down and been unable to work.

The Rumba is very passionate, very reminiscent of Dirty Dancing, and Louis is very pleased with how Kelly is doing-telling her she looks like a professional.

Aw, her dance was really cute. Definitely not sexy as a Rumba is supposed to be, but really 5th grade dance recital cute. Technically, it was on, I didn’t catch any huge missteps. It felt more waltzey than rumba to me, but what do I know? Note to Kelly: you have lost SO much weight and look really good, but thick girls should not wear bubblegum pink. It just does not work.

Even Mama Sharon O out in the audience manages to power through the Botox to smile big for how cute Kelly was. As for the judges? Scary Ann says Kelly brought her to tears, and she has a magical quality that reaches right into people’s hearts. Len says he can’t be quite as airy-fairy as Scary Ann (I doubt that)but does commend Kelly for becoming a competent dancer. He doesn’t think this was one of their best dances. Guano says that because it’s almost the finals, he has to call them out on the little things, like their lack of eroticism. Sorry, Guano, putting a flaming gay Louis and a chubby childlike Kelly together is just never going to equal erotic, and if it does, you don’t want to see it.

And in another unanimous decision, they earn a table full of 8′s for a grand total of 24, in the middle of the leaderboard so far. But that will most likely change quickly, because….

Mya and Cabana Boy are up next. They are following an outstanding last week, in which they scored the season’s first perfect 30. Mya is determined to continue that this week by enforcing strict rehearsal standards for their first dance, a waltz.

They parody their dedication by telling us they sometimes sleep in the studio, going so far as to set up a tent and air mattress. Ha ha. Surprised there wasn’t a big Coleman or Sears logo splashed across the damn thing. Product placement is the way to go, people.

Wow, bitch is here to win. She was even able to convince me that she liked Cabana Boy with her performance this week. Her lines are to die for, and she has gotten even more elegant as the season has gone on. If anything, Cabana Boy looked a little awkward to me in this one. The choreography wasn’t particularly difficult, but very effective nonetheless.

Len is very pleased, he thinks they were in total control during the romantic dance, and it was a pleasure to watch. Guano thought it was love set to music. Scary Ann thinks their hold was slightly disconnected, but I didn’t really see it. I heard Cabana Boy turned her cougar ass down and that’s why she’s bitchy. Not really, I made that up, but it sounded good, right?

Guano was excited enough to score them a 10, joined by 9′s for a total of 28, which is exactly what I would have scored if it was Dancing with the HappyHousewife and I had triple judge power, which, obviously, I would have.

In the next round of dances, not only do we have to suffer through the performances, we have to delve deeper into each stars’ personal life. First up again is Creepy McKillerson and Hatchetface. We are taught that:

He was also a certifiable douchebag in the 80′s; has a blonde plastic wife that looks disturbingly a lot like Hatchetface; Stevie Wonder must owe a favor to the Mormons, because he showed up to talk about how awesome creepy is; Creepy has a million lookalike sons and one random mexican son; and that his dollmaking sister thinks he should win because he’s so dedicated.

As for their Samba, danced to an Osmonds song? Better than their last dance, that’s for sure. Creepy is so much easier to watch when he’s performing and having fun rather than trying to be all stalker and romantic. He was a little sloppy, but it was a damn good performance. He is pleased afterwards, yelling and being obnoxious.

Guano lauds Creepy for being a professional, coming back after the last disaster to nail it. It was carefree and fun, just like a Samba should be. Scary Ann says it was better than the first dance, but she also saw the sloppiness and thought that he danced a little small. Len agrees with the crazy one (which one?) and thought it was great.

Those comments translate into 9′s from Guano and Len, and a bitchy 8 from Scary Ann for a total of 26. Better, but not sure if it’s good enough to get them on top. Preliminary total: 47.

Next up is my best friend Poopa. Her life story consists of:

She moved to LA when she was 20 to pursue a modeling career, has some okay looking fiance, and managed to trick poor senile Hugh Hefner into giving her a Playboy cover. It’s actually kind of cool that she came from nothing to be successful, and it almost warms my cold, cold heart a little tiny bit. Almost.

Ken Doll and the Poopa are dancing a cha cha to a caribbean cruise reggae band cover of a Kylie Minogue sound.

It was….okay. She was stiff and robotic as usual, and their footwork was on, as usual. Great technicality, lack of anything else.

Scary Ann loved it. She thought Poopa did a great job. Len thought it was clean and crisp but could have been a little more cheeky. El Guano Loco says Poopa is just natural sex, and I disagree. I have lots of great, natural sex, that does not involve Poopa in the least, trust.

They receive 9′s from all the judges, equaling 27 and giving them a preliminary total of 54, putting them on top for now. Everything is pretty safe so far, no surprises or shockers.

We reach the midpoint of the show with a Quickstep by Kelly O. Ooooohhh, could this be disaster? The hallmarks of a quickstep are being, well, quick, as well as very light on your feet, neither of which are qualities I’d attribute to our dear little Kelly. Her in-depth segment reveals:

And got really, really fat, then went to rehab and is now surprising herself by doing so awesome on DWTS.

It may have been due to the stutter in my download of this episode, but that Quickstep looked really great! She appeared to be really light on her feet, and I didn’t catch any missteps. She must be blowing someone in the costume department, because her costume looks great, and Louis seemed to have to do less heavy lifting this time around, as well. Not nearly the disaster I was expecting. I would totally give her a ten here.

Len agrees with me, saying it was way beyond his expectations and he is blown away. Guano says she was like Speedy Gonzales (ok, crazy) but did call her out on one misstep. There goes the 10. Scary Ann thinks it was fabulous and she just totally rocked, save for the one tiny bobble.

She gets all 9′s, that stupid bobble taking away her perfect score. I’m not just saying that because I like her-she was really that good. Good for her.

We will end this second round with a Salsa by Mya and Cabana Boy. Her backstory is as such:

She is a perfectionist and anything she sets her mind to, she succeeds at, which is why she desperately wants to win DWTS.

As for their Salsa, can you say 30? It was great. The footwork was right on, their moves had the sharpness and speed that Salsa requires. The choreography definitely had more difficulty than routines past, and she didn’t look overwhelmed. Her solo was even better than some I’ve seen from ballroom dancers on SYTYCD. Excellent routine, indeed.

The audience is going wild, do the judges agree? Guano says there is only one word to describe that performance: SENSATIONAL! Scary Ann says it was hot and slammin, and noted the improvement in choreography. Len gets his perv on by saying, “Tutti Fruitti, what a booty!” Did someone switch Len out with Nigel? He says he was transfixed by her buttocks and that she deserves to be in the final next week.

And just like I called it, because I am awesome, they get another perfect 10, which is very, very well deserved. Their combined score so far is 58! Can you say winner?

For the final dance of the evening, each couple will be dancing their knockout dance to the style and music of their choice. The knockout dance is the one they prepared in case they had to participate in a dance off in one of the previous rounds. This is also the first time a celebrity has had to perform three individual dances in one night. Dun dun dun.

Again, we will be starting with Creepy and Hatchetface and their final dance of a Jitterbug. They chose the Jitterbug because it is almost a total performance dance, which is right up Creepy’s alley. They choose some hideously sequined outfits…

….and jitter their little bugs off. It was great, very high energy and performed sensationally. Can it compete with what I’m assuming is going to be an awesome upcoming cha-cha from Mya? I don’t know, but it was definitely the best choice for Creepy.

A quick judging session tells us that all three agree that it was the best dance for Donny and exactly what he needed to end the evening with. They score accordingly, all with 9′s, giving us a round total of 27 and a final score of 74.

Next up is the Poopa, showing off her knockout dance of the Salsa. She and Ken Doll chose this dance because they performed it in week 2 with good results.

Have I mentioned how lucky this bitch is that she has Ken Doll? It is all his star quality carrying this performing. The footwork is good, but the whole dance has a rushed, sloppy feel, and Ken Doll is feeling a little like Louis, kind of just throwing Poopa around like a rag doll.

Len thought it was hot, tasty, and full of spice. Well, fuck you too Len. Guano thought it was delicious and flirtatious, and is flirting with Poopa but I think he really wants Ken Doll. Scary Ann loved it too and would like to see Poopa in the finals. Fuck you all, actually.

They sucked enough dick performed well enough to earn 9′s all around, which I’m not too upset over….I thought the judges were going to be lenient and give them 10′s. That equals a 27 for this round, meaning they got all nines all night for a final total of 81.

We now come to Kelly and Louis, who are going to be giving us a cha cha as their knockout dance. They chose this particular dance because Kelly totally screwed the pooch with it in the first week, so she wants to redeem herself tonight.

While I love Kelly and loved her costume, I didn’t really love this dance. The music was so annoying, the cover band murdered “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by having some monkey screech the ending of the song over and over. Awful. As for the dance, it was all fluff, not much actual dancing. A very basic, elementary cha cha, but maybe that was what they were going for…something so simple they didn’t have to worry about Kelly screwing it up. I’m sure the judges are probably going to lick her butthole for it, but I’m not impressed.

Guano says it was a quickie, but it did it for him. Gross. Scary Ann compliments Kelly for finishing her lines tonight, and Len says Kelly performed to a very high level and he is surprised and impressed.

She gets three 9′s lobbed at her down the middle, and she’ll take them for a final round score of 27, and an evening total of 78, which puts her in the middle of the leaderboard with only Mya and Cabana Boy left to dance.

Speaking of which, our last duo has decided to dance a cha-cha to end the night as well. Mya says it’s because they like high tempo dances, but I think it’s because she wants to avoid any and all romantic overtures with Cabana Boy. Fine with me.

Their cha cha is pretty good. I feel like they actually like each other, which is nice, and they are very connected. The choreo was nothing special, but looked good, and they had a nice stunt of splits by Mya and a flip by CB at the end, a nice touch.

Scary Ann says she didn’t feel the beginning of the dance, but liked Mya’s hips and CB’s tricks. Len was disappointed, only because he wanted the dance to continue. Guano likened it to a trailer for a blockbuster action movie, now he wants to see more. Scary Ann bitches it up with a 9, followed by 10′s from the boys. That gives our final duo a 29 in this round, and a final intimidating total of 87 out of 90!!!

Our final leaderboard looks like this:

What do you think, my Gasmic darlings? Who’s going home, and who’s in it to win it? Can anyone stop the formidable Mya? Stay tuned for Flipit’s pic recap to find out!

Love and Bubbles, HappyHousewife