Tonight on Dancing With the Stars Results, Elton loses some weight, Donny freaks out on Marie, and Leona Lewis’ nostrils get star treatment.
Do you remember the Dancing With the Stars episode from last night? No? Then let’s refresh!
First, Donny was told that he’s being played in an upcoming movie by Zelda Rubinstein from Poltergeist.
Marie, get off my bawls I’m tryin’ to sing a numba!
Sorry, buddy. Linda Hunt was busy.
That was the biggest news, so let’s just move on to tonight.
Oh, Tom, you make me chortle even before you’ve said one word!
I would like to see a dance again! The best dancers of all time: Fred and Ginger!!
Do you see what I have to deal with here? Those people are DEAD, Len!
Dead? That’s hilarious, Tom!
Fine! Then bring out Gregory Hines! Or that little girl who dressed like a bee in that music video! I want tap dancing!
Let’s just pretend he said us.
Oooh! I wanna see a shadow from the iPod commercials! No! The dancing baby from the internet!
Best choreography of the season.
Is that a taquito in your pocket or are you just happy to see….wait. That is a taquito! Dammit! This dress cost ten dollars! Get that taquito off me!
No, Mya, he doesn’t have testicular cancer. Stop checking every five minutes!
Bruno liked that one. At least I think that’s what humping the air means.
Making fun of special needs kids is bad, so I’ll just let this one go.
Tom! That dance was HILARIOUS! Look at the retard jumping up and down in the audience! Hey remember last night when I put Visene in Kelly’s water bottle?
Uhoh. I’m leaking.
My dress is ruined! RUIIIINNNNEED!
A little Veet could change your whole confidence level.
Mommy, what are condoms?
How did you kids get in my house?
Child slavery. The gift that keeps on giving.
Stay tuned next year for Sad Frogs
Finally! Someone gave Susan Boyle a movie!
Commercials are hilarious, Thom!!
That’s not how you spell my name, moron.
You’re hilarious! With a capital I!
A number from Nine! OMG I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS MOVIE! Penelope! Nicole! Judy! Sophia!
Wait. Who the f are you?
Good to have some nice old fashioned family entertainment on TV.
Hey Daniel Gay Lewis, what’d you do with the real guy? MURDERER!
This girl is going to give someone food poisoning.
Grandma you’re still alive! Not for long, skank! Have some turkey!
By the end of the American Music Awards, one of these nominees will be dead.
Dang, fattie. Slow down.
Yay Alicia Keys! Boo marbles in the mouth of Alicia Keys! Someone help her! She sounds like she’s about to swallow her tongue.
Well it’s about time someone wrote the perfect song for dark alley hooker blowjobs.
Shame on you, Alice Keystone! That was revolting!
And now for a number with the stars about how much pressure it is being on TV.
These bastards are forcing me into a horizontally striped t-shirt and making me stand against a horizontally striped wall. SO UNFAAAAAIR!
This is so hard. I wish I could be a day laborer for sixty hours a week or something easy like that.
Someone keeps drugging my water bottles. And I like it. I’ve lost eighty pounds!
Get out of my dressing room Marie! YOU’RE NOT ON THIS SEASON LET IT GO!
I know you’re behind that mirror, Marie! I CAN FEEL YOU!
Someone needs to get the fat pasty guy away from the ice cream aisle before he kills himself.
Leona Lewis! Wow there are some really good guests tonight. I have nothing bad to say about Leona Lewis. So here’s here pretty dress!
Uh, did the camera guys go on break or what? This shot lasts a looong time. Nice nose trim, babe.
That was hilarious! Leona Helmsley can really sing amirightguyz!?!?
Donny’s safe! From elimination, but Marie is waiting outside with a razor blade and a flame thrower.
Are they seriously going with the whole “this car’s so sturdy even an Asian can drive it!” thing? Cuz that’s horrible.
Listen, making the actual football gayer isn’t gonna make gay people like football. Jesus. Get a Pier One catalogue already.
She took an antacid for her heartburn and ended up with a pearl necklace. I don’t get this commercial, but I’m still offended.
Best wedding gift for this bride: a roll of paper towels.
It’s the doctor’s fault that MJ took so many drugs. My nipples agree. Here. Ask them (lifts up shirt and blames Justin Timberlake).
Breaking news: Airports suck. Thanks, news!
How did we go from Leona Lewis and Alicia Keys to John Voight? I didn’t even know he sang. He needs to not do it again. Cuz it hurts.
Damn. This New Years I’m going on the Elton John diet. You’re looking great, man!
You think you’re so great with your biker shorts under your skirt. Cholas have been doing that for decades!
Now for some results!
Snot rockets? Camera’s on!
This is still on?
Random Blonde’s out!!
Thank you, Satan.
Happy Thanksgiving, you guys!! Join me next week for more glitter and less random blondeness!