scripted drama exciting reality show known as The Bachelor over for now, ABC has got a whole lot of time to fill….so you know what that means….it’s time for Dancing With Obscurity!!!!
Buy one recapper, get one half price!!!
CrazyCatLady: Hi y’all…here to introduce myself as CrazyCatLady, one of the recappers of Dancing With the Stars. Happy Housewife and I will be teaming up with delightful commentary on E list celebs, hot professionals, and whether or not Melissa can be anywhere near as useless as Samantha. My name clues you in that I am an old spinster, with an addiction to animals, reality TV, beer, and a few other secret addictions that we won’t discuss here. Unless I drink too much beer. So anyway, I have a farm and a job and due to lack of sleep may sometimes get confused as to whether I am recapping or shoveling shit in the barn. You can see where that could be befuddling, right? I’m looking forward to no longer having to watch shows alone, having nobody with whom to share the most profound and perplexing questions in life. Like what the hell do they do with all the leftover cookies on the Biggest Loser?
HappyHousewife: What’s up, my bitches? Ok, so last season was like, the worst thing I’ve ever done. I’m all about some self-flagellation, but even I couldn’t self medicate enough to convince myself to take on this epic piece of crap by myself-especially without my special little guy, MethFace, to make fun of! And no Alec? I hate him, but I love him. Thank the good McDreamy for bringing CrazyCatLady into my life. She’ll be ‘capping the performance shows, and I’ll be doing the results shows. Fun for everyone!!
CCL: So just some quick thoughts on the ‘stars’. First of all, there isn’t an even number of men and women. Makes me wonder if someone dropped out at the last minute. Or if there will be a surprise contestant when we go ‘liiiive’ in a couple of weeks.
CCL: All I could say is “really?” I can’t imagine him being as funny as Cloris so I think he will not last long.
HH: Yo, I love my boy Buzz for being an American hero and all, and HappyHusband fancies himself an astronaut so we’re down with NASA, but I really, really hope Buzz here pulls a groin and they send in his hot bitch wife as a replacement.
CCL: We know that Olympians do well, and he has the added momentum of following the Olympics. Thinking he will be around a while.
HH: Can you say setup, ala Donny O last season? Let’s put a Olympic winning figure skater in the lineup and watch everyone try to keep up. Well played, ABC.
CCL: I have been a huge fan of the football players, and Ochocinco has as much personality as any of them. I’m really excited to see him paired with Cheryl. My early favorite.
HH: Two words. Douche. Canoe. Yawn. Guess that’s three words. Call me when they get Favre, aka my future ex-husband, or John Elway.
CCL: I’m just so over the Bachelor/Bachelorette thing.
HH: Jake Pavagina? Is he going to be able to function without a script? Maybe Mike Fleiss will come to every rehearsal to hold his hand and dry his tears. Tool.
CCL: Drool. Only problem I foresee here is that they paired the hottest man with an equally hot woman. Will they cancel each other out?
HH: I don’t know who in the hell this guy is, but as long as they fit a segment of him doing this into every show, I’m down. And maybe Edyta will leave Alec for him, then Alec will be mine, all mine. Bwah ha ha ha ha.
CCL: I think people will watch her for the same reason people watch Heather Mills. Will Heather’s leg fly off? Will Pamela’s boobs fly up and knock out the new pro?
HH: My new MethFace: Boobs Edition! Take one look at that trick and tell me she’s not “ice skating” all day every day. I can’t wait to see this hot mess. And if she had been paired with Maksim, I seriously would not have been able to recap because I would be too busy having orgasms all over the place.
CCL: Sure, get pissed that somebody took pictures of you undressing. And then go,on TV in skimpy, sexy outfits and shake your ass.
HH: I still think the whole “peeping tom” thing was a giant conspiracy to further her career. But if she starts banging Maks, I will cut that bitch.
HH: Brenda Walsh! I spent half of my childhood loving the shit out of this bitch! If there is a god in heaven, he will let CJ and Brenda get into a giant girlfight in the middle of the dance floor. Please, McDreamy, let my prayers come true.
CCL: Paired with Louis, who I really just began to appreciate this past season when he was with Kelly. Looking forward to seeing the dynamic in this relationship.
HH: Poor Louis, always getting paired with the fatties. Guess it is true that gay dudes prefer fat chicks: case in point, two of my ex-boyfriends are now drag queens. True story.
CCL: Well, we have to have one every season for people to whine, “Waaaah, she already knows how to dance, waaaah”. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
HH: I heard this bitch does as many drugs as Pammy, and has an ego the size of my ass. In other news, meh.
CCL: I have to say that this pick might have kept me from watching this season if I wasn’t doing a recap. Instead, I am thanking my lucky stars. No shortage for material for a few weeks at least. As long as she fails miserably. Anal control freaks generally don’t move well on the dance floor (yeah, I suck at dancing unless I’m drunk) and I’m really looking forward to some serious breakdowns. Feeling a bit of sympathy for Tony.
HH: I have to say, props to Kate for finally getting herself a decent publicist while Jon has managed to make himself the laughing stock of high class publications such as The Enquirer and Playgirl. And hey, bitch has got to feed those eight crotch parasites somehow.
So what do you think? Are you excited about the season or just finding these picks blah? See ya in a couple of weeks!