Dancing With the ??Stars

OK, so I get asked to be a recapper and I am thrilled and I ask if there are any rules. Flipit tells me no penises. What? I have to review a show with men in very tight pants and I can’t use the word ‘penis’?! Oh, the cruel irony! Surely there will be a rogue penis at some time during the show. Lord knows even Kate may flash one, as she has to have Jon’s hidden away somewhere. Then I find, thank goodness, that I am just not allowed to post penis pictures, but I can say penis. Wow, I made a list of subtle euphemisms just in case. Y’all do know that Ochocinco’s name used to be Johnson, right?

No penis pictures here, move along.

I am so psyched that the show is starting!!! Yay!! And in case I forgot why I love DWTS we get a quick recap of the past five years, including one of my all time favorite moments…Marie Osmond passing out! Admit it, you backed that up and watched it over and over when it happened.

Yeah, I had to go watch it again.

And now we’re LIIIIIIVE! We get reintroduced to Brooke Burke and she is soooo excited to be here. I am not so excited because I spent months thinking up degrading names for Samantha Harris and now she is gone. Bummer. I think Brooke is going to be so forgettable I can’t even come up with a nickname. BBB, Boring Brooke Burke.

The stars make their grand entrance down the staircase (wouldn’t it be cool if somebody fell like that chick on Next Top Model? Now that was a DVR moment, for sure!) Wow, there are a lot of enhanced boobs and plastic in this group.

We start with Ochocinco and Cheryl. Chad says that he usually dances in the end zone and gets fined for it. Cute. He tells Cheryl not to sugarcoat her assessment of him so she tells him, “You suck, do it again”. Awesome. I have been looking forward to this pairing. They dance the Cha-Cha-Cha and I am not disappointed. Very fluid hips and lots of personality. He misses a few steps and needs to watch his posture, but I am sure we will see him for quite a few weeks. Len agrees with me. Bruno says he has a huge, huge, huge johnson,(oops talent). Carrie Ann is turned on. BBB says blah, blah, blah and the judges give them 6,6,6. Kinda low and the audience boos. I boo, too.

Huuuuuuuge.

Shannon Doherty is next and gives us a story about her dad having a stroke to make us feel sorry for the bitch. Whoa, she needs to soften up that hair color. She looks old.

Bad girls don’t age well.

She says she gets so nervous she gets hives. That would be kind of interesting. She and Mark do the Viennese Waltz and Mark carries her several times. Like literally carries her. Maybe she took some antihistamines. More likely some Xanax. Looks kind of awkward and her arms seem behind her feet somehow. Bruno says the choreography was hard, but she was swinging her arms like a primate. Ouch. We get a shout out to dad for that one. Carrie Ann was impressed and Len said that she had ease and elegance. Didn’t see the same dance I saw, Len. Blah, blah, blah, tears and dad, and we get the scores 6,6,6.

Benadryl, Xanax, Ambien, and Booze are synergistic.

Erin Andrews meets Maks, who she didn’t want. She says she heard he was very, very hard. Now who told her that? She competitive and a perfectionist. She’ll be crying in the next few weeks. They dance the Cha-cha-cha. She has very long legs and they aren’t quite in control and she is a bit awkward and forgets some moves, but she does show some personality. Carrie Ann liked her moves. Maks is sweating like a pig. Len noticed her weird legs and Bruno commented on her zest and vitality. I’m disappointed in Bruno so far. I like to watch with the closed caption and so far all of his comments have been understandable. Maybe he needs to get more excited. Bruno says he wants to see more of her legs in the air. Maybe that will make him more excited. BBB and the scores 7,7,7. Really? I didn’t see it.

Damn, this is hard work.

Next the Bachelor meets Chelsie at the airport. I hate the Bachelor, by the way. Not this particular one, but the show in general. Are we to really believe that all those women fall for the guy and just wait to be picked. Ugh. Desperation. Reminds me of 30 something singles classes at church, where the only guy that has a job and bathes gets 10 women pining away for him. So Jake and Chelsie dance the Viennese Waltz to Kiss From a Rose. Rose, get it? Cheesy. He’s late on his moves, but not bad. Len liked it, but told him to stop sticking his bum out, which makes everybody laugh. Those Brits. Bruno said it was rough. Carrie Ann said he brought romance into the the dance. BBB and scores 7,6,7.

Seriously, how many times can you use one gimmick? (Ask me at the end of the season, when I have overused the Johnson reference.)

Niecy Nash and Louis. I don’t watch her shows, but she seems fun. She tells Louis that she likes her chicken parts. What, McNuggets? Ohhhhh, her jiggly parts. I really thought she said chicken parts. She doesn’t want to shrink and lose her junk in the trunk. They do the Cha-cha-cha and she can move the junk! She has a gorgeous smile and puts a lot into the dance and for the most part it is quite good. Bruno wants to see more sass. Carrie Ann loved her energy and Len said it was precise, but uneventful. What is Len watching tonight? Niecy is just happy she remembered her routine. BBB and 7,5,6. What Len?! Niecy dedicated her performance to all us big girls and our chicken parts.

Putting some beef in the chicken parts.

Figure skater Evan whats his name is paired up with Anna whats her name. Evan’s biggest problem is that the turns are bassackwards from his skating spins. They do the Viennese Waltz and WOW. They could be skating; it is so smooth. I know it is unfair and some of you are whining already, but that was really beautiful. Carrie Ann squeals and agrees with me, but tells him to point his toes. Len liked his artistry, but wants more chemistry. Bruno compares him to a swan. BBB and 8,7,8. Anna babbles about something that nobody understands.

We now get to meet a living legend, Buzz Aldren. I think we are getting a big buildup to prepare us for a letdown. He has an astronaut jacket on when he meets Ashly. He says she is a cute babe. They are dancing the Cha-cha-cha. Owwww. This is just painful. He is doing something with his mouth, which I assume is counting, but it just looks like he is trying to keep his dentures from falling out. He seems to have a good time, which helps me feel a little bit better about this show’s shameless exploitation. The judges also comment on his hero/legend status, before telling him how bad he was. Carrie Ann says he inspired a ton of people tonight. BBB and Buzz says something that made less sense than Anna. 5,4,5. He doesn’t seem to be in on the joke as much as Cloris was, but ya got to give him credit for the effort.

Was there anyone who didn’t wince?

Nicole Scherzinger and Derek. I just don’t like Derek. But I have to admit that he is really good at fitting his choreography to his partner’s strengths. They do the Viennese Waltz and it’s very pretty, but doesn’t affect me as much as Evan’s. And Derek actually seems flat footed in some places, which is weird. Bruno finally said something I couldn’t quite understand, something about taking off big time. Carrie Ann said that bar has been set and that she hasn’t seen a routine like that, out of the gate, ever. Len was not nearly so impressed and blasted her technique. BBB 9,7,9. Really? Nines?

Did the Pussycat Dolls sing ‘I Touch Myself’?

Yay, now the hot guy!!! Aiden and Edyta! Too much hotness. Aww, he brings flowers. Edyta’s first reaction was the same as mine, “Oh my god, he is so good looking”. Turns out he is a bit of a klutz. They do the Cha-cha to Hungry Like the Wolf and he manages a few smoldering looks, but is really bad. No musicality at all. What a damn shame. Carrie Ann agrees with me and says no musicality. Len hates all the jumping off the stage and shaking of his wobbly bits, etc. And Bruno says there was nothing growing in the groin. What?! The closed caption ignored that statement.. BBB (with no more talk of anything growing) and scores of 5,5,5. I assume the women voters will keep him around a few weeks at least.

With moves like that, he’d better take his shirt off.

OK, did Kate get something done to her face when she got the hair extensions? Nobody seems to be mentioning that she doesn’t look like the same person. She and Tony are doing the Viennese Waltz and Tony actually asks her if she really wants to be there. She is very stiff (y’all know I would have been really pissed if she was good, don’t you?) but she manages to valiantly paste a smile on her face. As she gets criticism from the judges, she starts to get that looks could kill look. Tony squeezes her a couple of times to get her to loosen up, but she looks pissed. I do so hope she sticks around long enough to really have a breakdown. Bruno says it looks like Tony was pushing a shopping cart around. Carrie Ann says that Kate is very different from other people that have been on the show. Yeah, she isn’t even a D list star. At least she is being exploited now the way she exploited her kids. BBB and 6,5,5. Better than the hot guy.

Ask Jon what that look means.

Pamela Anderson and her boobs are next with the new pro, Damian. He is Australian and awful cute. I am a sucker for an accent. They are doing the Cha-cha. You know in school and at work and in every area of life, there are those women that aren’t very smart or very good at things, so they just flash their boobs and toss their hair and pout their lips and get by? Yep, that is this dance in a nutshell. And I hate to admit it, it kind of works. Without a doubt, the most uninhibited of the night. The judges and Tom are giddy. Len said it was a mess, and Bruno chimed in, but the sex was good. BBB and 7.6.8 and Bruno and Carrie Ann contort themselves kind of hilariously as they show their paddles.

No elimination until next week so we get to see another dance from everyone! What did y’all think? I’m a little new at this format sosome of my pictures are kind of bad, I know. Like Cheryl said, “You suck, do it again”. Hopefully, I will improve as the season goes on.