Hi y’all. It has been a crazy week around here. My Mom is visiting and we are watching the show together so there will be no talk of penises tonight!
We find out that last week’s episode was the most watched premiere ever! Oh great, that means that we will see more reality shows and drama queens. Oh boy. Whoopie.
Suddenly there is hell-fire in the introduction! Is it a portent of things to come? (By the way I have never used the word ‘portent’ before!)
Even Satan was watching this premiere.
Brooke Burke is still here. Even Melissa would have been more interesting. Brooke is pretty and seems nice and actually seems intelligent which makes it so hard to make fun of her. So I am not backing off the boring moniker.
Shannon and Mark are up first. By the way, here’s a trivia tidbit…did you know that Shannon was briefly married to season 9 contestant, Ashley Hamilton? During rehearsals, she tried to get Mark to dumb down the routine for her, but he wants to raise the bar. She gets kind of pissy and pouty, but Mark keeps pushing her. I kind of get her point, let her get some confidence. Having Bruno compare you to a primate might make you a bit self conscious. They are doing the jive and she actually seems like she is having fun, but it still makes some old man cry.
Looking for the sympathy vote again
Don’t be pissing Edyta off!
Bruno says keep focused, Carrie Ann says nice job, great connection, and Len says good footwork, but he needs to flow better. Seems to me like he was already flowing; he was so hormonal in rehearsals!
BBB- more talk about the elbow and 7,6,6…about right, I think.
Evan and Anna are doing the jive. No real drama, but Evan is kind of nerdy in rehearsals; just slightly annoying and socially inept. The dance is good, but Evan’s arms and legs are so long that he looks awkward. Not nearly as awesome as last week. Carrie Ann says he has great energy and he was in control, Len doesn’t like his shoes, and Bruno told him to not go wobbly.
BBB. (I went to the bathroom and didn’t care enough to back it up.). 8,8,8.
Niecy and Louis are up next with the foxtrot. Niecy is having trouble understanding Louis until he uses food to describe what he wants her to do…’smooth as butte’r;. LOL, she is really kind of awesome; she is just good natured and is a breath of fresh air amongst all the drama queens. Their foxtrot is pretty and she still brings her personality. Len says she has musicality and it was easy, with a sassy twist, Bruno says she was light and frothy, and Carrie Ann tells her to be bigger next week. Really? Carrie Ann also pretends she sees a lift and then says she didn’t, trying to be funny. Niecy gets 7,7,7 which seems low compared to their comments.
I dare you not to think of a pink elephant.
OK, that was uncalled for. I really love Niecy and all of her confidence, and I love pink, too, but there was just too much of all of it.
Jake and Chelsie are doing the jive and Jake is ‘wildy intimidated’. He looks totally ridiculous in rehearsals and giggles a lot until…more drama here. The so-called stars are starting to believe they are stars this week and are getting very bossy. He actually says he is not asking her to take something out, he is TELLING her. And how many women wanted to marry this dude? The producers apparently couldn’t figure out a way to work a rose into a jive routine. I actually enjoyed this dance a lot. Lots of energy and they both looked like they were having fun. Bruno says he has energy and determination, but needs precision, Carrie Ann saw a lift (and wasn’t joking this time), and Len said he needed to be lighter on his feet.
BBB- some more crap about trust. And Chelsie makes sure everyone knows that they are like brother and sister. Maybe the new fiance doesn’t get the trust crap, yet. 6,7,7. Thought the scores should be higher.
OK, so picture Buzz getting the call to be on the show.
Producer: “Mr Alden, we would really love to have you be a contestant on Dancing With the Stars”.
Buzz: “Eh, what’s that you say Sonny? Prancing in a bar?”
Producer: “No sir, Dancing With the Stars!”
Buzz: “Laughing in your cars?”
Producer: “NO SIR, DANCING WITH THE STARS”
Buzz: “Oh, Blasting off to Mars! Yahoo!, sign me up Sonny!”
I bet he’s disappointed, for sure.
Buzz’s rehearsal seems to entail a lot of sitting around and making diagrams. Buzz’s wife visits. Her ears show up about two minutes after her, the facelift pulled them back so far. I got nothing to say about the dance; it is just painful to watch. They dance to “Fly Me to the Moon” and start and end in front of a flag so they can get the ‘Real American’ vote.
I’m an American Hero, dammit, vote for me.
The judges make a lot of comments trying to not say he sucks.
BBB- Buzz tries to be spicy and says he shows his moves to his wife, 4,4,4 to lots of boos.
Nicole and Derek are doing the jive and Nicole is already helping with the choreography. Jeez, i’m going to be the one whining that she has an unfair advantage. Nicole gets very upset because the producers changed their music to something modern, instead of traditional. But at least she doesn’t yell at Derek. Their jive is fast and furious, and they are in perfect sync. Nicole actually seems sharper than Derek on some kicks. The judges love it, except Len. He did like parts of it, but it wasn’t to his taste, Bruno gushes phenomenal, and Carrie Ann calls it perfection.
BBB- Brooke asks Derek whether she or Nicole was more fun to dance with. 10,8,10 and Nicole jumps up and down.
Wow, you’re really excited.
Erin and Maks are dancing the foxtrot. Maks wants her to be a princess, but she belches quite awesomely in rehearsals. Max is stressed that he has to be the calm one in the relationship. The dance is very nice, although not spectacular. She is very graceful for a self professed tomboy, although she still seems to be overthinking things. She has a bit of a wardrobe malfunction at the end and Maks appears more embarrassed than she is. Then again, when your naked pictures have been splashed on the internet, this can’t be too disconcerting. Bruno says she is a natural and Tom interrupts him, Carrie Ann says she is lyrical and flexible, and Len says trust in your pro. Erin tries to explain her death grip on Maks by saying she couldn’t find his bicep, and Maks reacts just how you think he would. I’m starting to really like this woman.
Don’t you know I am the sexy god of DWTS?
BBB-8,7,8, but Maks has to talk about his bicep instead of the score. Tom is worried that Maks’ ego will not survive the season.
Pamela Anderson and the sexy Aussie pro are next with another foxtrot. No drama in the rehearsals which is a nice change. Pamela is channeling Marilyn Monroe and the dance is nice, but doesn’t reach out and grab you like last week’s did. Carrie Ann said she was versatile, Len said she was titivating, Bruno, wait, what?? Titivating? I had to look it up and it really is a word! It means to make decorative additions to; spruce up. I’m sure if Pam sticks around we will be titillated until we titter while we watch Pam and her titanic titties. Just make sure to stay abreast of happenings on the show. OK, I don’t even know what Bruno said.
A busload of Kennedys just pulled up.
OK, I admit it, that was Tom’s joke. But I really really wish I’d said it.
Ochocinco and Cheryl are all flirty in their rehearsals. Cheryl gives him a kiss when he gets a move right. They are actually very cute. Too bad their foxtrot is not so cute. He straightened up his posture, but that just seemed to stiffen up the rest of his movement. The judges are mean to him far beyond how bad the dance was, and he looked genuinely hurt.
There’s no crying in dancing.
BBB- Chad is too overcome to talk to Brooke so Cheryl does all the talking. The scores are 6,5,5. I don’t want to lose Ochocinco yet!
Does anyone besides me miss Kate’s old hairdo?
Everyone is asking for this style!
And to all y’all who want to see her go home: For the love of God STOP! As a new recapper I am begging you to vote for Kate! I need the material! Her kids can keep making themselves organic grilled cheese sandwiches for a few weeks longer.
OK, we finally get to see the Kate we know and love (to hate). She starts telling Tony how to teach! Tony doesn’t take it well so she apologizes and then tells him he is wrong. LOL. He finally gets fed up and quits. Really. Out the door. Kate says she doesn’t understand. You berate Jon, he leaves. You berate Tony, he leaves. What is the common denominator here?! Although you really have to wonder what a wimp Jon is; he stuck it out 10 years. Tony could only take 3 weeks!. Of course Tony comes back and Kate whines about how many people have quit on her. Way to make it about you being the victim.
Kate’s jive is really, really bad. Like Buzz Aldren bad. She is completely lost. Niecy can’t hide what she thought.
That was like a bad piece of fish.
The judges try to give her encouragement, but about the best thing they can say is that she didn’t quit. Awkward.
BBB-more encouragement and then the scores 5,5,5. Will Kate be back for me to pick on???