This week on “Dancing With The Stars: Week 2 Results Show”: Buzz survives the cut, only to be abducted by a bunch of dudes from the local nursing home, led by a greasy black-haired alien obviously here to seek revenge against our first Man On The Moon:
The leader of the alien apocalypse is Uncle Jesse? I knew it!!!!
Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to my hell, aka, time for another season of Dancing With Obscurity! I’ll be recapping all the results shows this season, and honestly, I’m actually a little excited for it. This cast is chock full of trainwrecks, famewhores, and, well, just plain whores!
I should give her more credit than that. Crack whore.
I didn’t know if I could go on without my precious little MethFace from last season-Aaron Carter. (Side note: did you know he was engaged to Kari Ann Peniche, aka Carrion from Sober House fame? How did I not know this? And why do I have a feeling they only broke up because their meth lab didn’t take off as hoped? Also, you wanna screw your head up for the rest of the day without vodka? Go Google some images of them together. She used to be SO PRETTY!) Luckily, the reality gods have smiled upon me and blessed me with a new MethFace this season. The one, the only, the used to be lovely Pamela Anderson. Maybe MethBoobs is more appropriate.
We open the evening with our two lovely cohosts, The Berge and Brooke Burke. I personally love me some Brooke..she’s gorgeous (a body like that after having four kids? I didn’t even look like that BEFORE kids), semi-entertaining, and she’s hooked up with one of my original childhood crushes, David Charvet.
Who didn’t love Matt Brody? More importantly, they should have saved Pammy for an all Baywatch season of DWTS, and got The Hoff’s drunk ass on here.
According to Ms. Burke, this is going to be an exciting and shocking night. Wanna shock me? Get a real star on here. I wanna see George Clooney do the tango!
First shocking result of the night: Buzz and Ashly are safe! Not shocking to me at all-Mr. Buzz here has a lot of support. Not only is he ADORABLE, he walked on the moon for fuck’s sake. If that’s not a real star, I don’t know what is.
And if you don’t vote for Buzz, you’re going to hell. Just so you know. Someone needs to tell that Ashly bitch that she forgot the “E” in her name. Stupid mormon.
Second shocking result of the night: MethBoobs and Steve Irwin are in the bottom two! (Come on, I know it’s poor taste to make fun of a dead guy, but her partner is Australian and he obviously has to be trained in dealing with wild animals to work with MethBoobs. So I’m sticking with it.) If I had to guess, her skank turned off the main demographic of viewers, being 25-45 year old women. If they aired this show on ESPN or Spike, bitch would have already won.
Showing The Berge what he will get if he “fixes” the vote.
Not to mention, her face….gah, her face. Drugs are bad, friends! Unless they are prescribed (and I use that term loosely) or green, stay away! They will fuck up your face, never mind all the other scary stuff! Don’t these bitches watch Intervention? DWTS should get Candy Finnigan on staff. Or maybe not, then I wouldn’t have nearly as much to make fun of.
We are then “treated” to a recap of the performance show by head douchebag, Len. You know he only does this show for drunken handjobs by Bruno and because his contract includes unlimited Viagra.
I may be having a heart attack. Or an uncontrollable hard-on. Either way, call an ambulance.
Len was impressed by Edyta and Aiden’s dance last night. I was impressed by Aiden’s accent and that he didn’t backhand Edyta when she pulled that drama queen bullshit during rehearsal. Can you say setup for production value?
She’s apologizing with her vagina.
Len thinks Jake nailed all the steps and has great potential. I think Jake is a Weepy Vagina. Poor Chelsie.
WV-Chelsie, I smell like pussy.
C-I know, Jake, I know.
Brenda Walsh is strong, she apparently just needs to work on finesse. I think she needs to work on her teeth.
Yo, she looks like Heidi Fleiss without the meth, bad plastic surgery, and getting beaten by Tom Sizemore.
Just kidding, I love me some Brenda Walsh. Trust me, 3rd grade through 10th grade, I was exhausted every Friday morning from staying up late Thursday night to watch 90210 then discuss it with no less than five of my closest friends. Priorities, people.
Len loved Niecy Nash, and girlfriend, so did I. She is so non-pretentious, hilarious, and the only “celeb” on here that doesn’t take themselves too seriously. Not to mention, one of the only ones with talent. Do you notice that? All the wannabes (Weepy Vagina, Kate G, Ochocinco) are total assholes who think they are WAY more important than they are, with the diva bullshit, and all the legitimate celebs, with real talent, are down to earth and cool? People need to get a fucking clue.
Dude, her ass really is that big. See this smile? I KNOW.
He had seen a lot of potential in Ochocinco, but that all went down the drain in this week’s dance with the resident Mophead (thanks Michael K). I disagree with the judges here. Ochocinco sucked, yes, but he didn’t suck nearly as bad as Kate G or Buzz but got WAY harsher judgments.
Discriminating against me because I pick up hookers off Craigslist? That’s just not cool, Whitey.
The judges were just impressed Buzz didn’t break a hip on the dance floor. And that Ashly Misspelled was able to fit her nose into the studio.
Len’s disappointed in Kate because she let her nerves get the best of her. No, actually, she just sucks. Why does he have his head so far up her ass? He must be a Nazi sympathist.
May I introduce: Shitler.
He thought MethBoobs’ dance was elegant and full of grace. Guaranteed the only time anyone has ever used those terms in reference to this trick. My thoughts on MB? I can’t tell if she’s high on camera, or if she just gets all flustered and acts like a total idiot, which is what I do when I’m forced to talk to people outside of this Internetz Box.
Erin gets a gold star for rubbing her snatch all over my man Maks.
He likes it when I hold it like this.
Stop telling everyone our business, Erin!
I don’t think they’re banging yet. I think Maks wants to be (that WHORE) but she hasn’t given in. I assumed I would dislike Erin because she is, you know, tall, blonde, athletic, and successful, but she’s actually pretty endearing…kind of quirky and dorky, down to earth. As long as she stays off my man.
Len did not expect goofy lanky Evan to be any good at the jive, but he totally rocked it.
And Anna has rocks in her top, apparently.
The Pussy Doll, Nicole, is a great dancer. I think it’s bullshit that she got 2-10′s, however. Her dance was really good, but it was not 10 worthy. She was sloppy and a couple beats too fast for the first couple counts. She saved it and finished strong, but it was not perfect.
So, how much do you retail for at Target?
We are then subjected to a repeat of Pussy Doll and Ken Doll’s jive, and tonight she may have actually earned the 10…she reigned in the freneticism and stayed on count. Pretty good for a chick who’s partnered with a plastic doll who has ambiguous genitalia.
Just to review the origination of his nickname.
Next up, some dancing by the pros…blah blah blah. The only thing remarkable about the segment?
Maks shirtless. He is tall, dark, and slighty verbally abusive. Just how I like them.
Then they put them in a box.
I think they’re quarantining them. Herpes outbreak.
Adam Carolla comes on to
kill some time share some hilarity and his opinion on last night’s performance show. Making fun of Buzz=not funny. Making fun of Bruno and MethBoobs=actually pretty funny.
Watch out dude, the NASA freaks will hunt you down and shove that disco ball up your…
Next two couples that are safe…..
Aiden and Edyta!
Whoa, going without lube was TOTALLY worth it for this honor!
And Niecy and Louis!
Yeah, I’m celebrating in drag tonight!!
Then the nursing home gang shows up with their greasy haired alien leader to finally abduct Buzz!
This is the guy that came up with the master plan to take an American Hero and make him an old guy alien.
We find out the fate of the rest of the couples….also safe are…..
Evan And Anna
Pussy Doll and Ken Doll
Chelsie and Weepy Vagina
Mophead and Ochostinko
Erin and Maks
And amazingly enough, Shitler and Tony….
So the bottom two are Brenda/Mark Balls and MethBoobs/Steve Irwin. It’s a regular battle of the 90′s. Sadly, one must leave us and head back into the dust along with Benetton and The Corey
s. The couple leaving us tonight is…..
Brenda and Mark Balls are out of here, which is probably a blessing in disguise. Brenda needs to get back to her gallon of Jack Daniels and three pack a day habit, and Mark Balls effed up his knee and most likely needs surgery. MethBoobs sticks around to fight the good fight!!
So, my Gasmic Darlings, what do you think will happen next week? Will Shitler finally get what she deserves, or will she stick around to give the cameramen the stink eye for the rest of the season? I’ll be here with you to find out!
Love and Bubbles,