This week on Dancing With The Stars: Results Show….Shitler is able to check off two more items on her “List of Things I Must Bitchcomplish To Take Over The World”…#47-Make America want to see my freakishly bad dancing nonskills enough to kick off a LIVING AMERICAN HERO and #13-Help my crappy nontalented reality talent show beat the king of all crappy nontalented reality talent shows, American Idol, in the ratings.
Obviously I already bitchcomplished #1 on the list-dehumanize and emasculate my husband, force him to divorce me, and watch and laugh as he tries to reclaim his manhood by turning into the biggest douche since Summer’s Eve.
Good evening, my darling Ladies and Gentlemen! I seriously HATED recapping DWTS last season. Like, even more than having to stay sober on the mornings I have to help out at my kid’s school. Despised. But, I have a confession-I’m actually having a LOT of fun this time around. Dude, this cast is equally full of mouth-breathing, famewhoring wastes of space as it is with people I genuinely like! Fabulous recapping material. Not to mention, you, my Gasmic Darlings, the best commenters in the ENTIRE internetzland and the reason I drag myself out of a benzodiazepine haze long enough to vomit this up for y’all. You RAWK. Hard.
Ok, so last night, every couple was assigned the task of telling a story with their dance.
Sorry, chick, porn does NOT count as a story.
The Berge tells us we’re going to get right to some results. Don’t fret, this is only to ensure we have time for the 37 minutes of filler in the 43 minute show.
We’re just here to keep the wannabe’s from clawing each other’s eyes out for camera time.
The first couple safe to dance again is….
Aiden and Edyta!
No wonder Alec loves her, her vajayjay GLOWS!
Oh yeah, I almost forgot….Edyta is Alec’s wife! Where the hell is Alec this season, anyway? All those letters I wrote to ABC about him cheating on me last season must have forced them to
put him in protective custody fire him for violating his morality clause!
The next safe couple who gets to dance with the devil, aka Shitler, one more time is….
Erin and Maks!
Maks. With a fauxhawk and a tux. Please excuse me while I have multiple orgasms.
*Lights cigarette* Ok, I’m back. That was nice. Now, Len’s perspective on last night’s performances…..
He thought Weepy Vagina and Chelsie’s quickstep was just ok. Carrie Ann thought WV’s legs were soft.
Sorry, Carrie Ann, you’re confusing my soft legs with my soft peen. It’s easier to tuck that way.
Niecy and Louis’ waltz was good, but they fell in the middle of the pack again. Len wants to see Niecy really break out next week and show everyone how good she really is.
Obviously her rack is really good….even the gay guy is checking it out.
Len’s take on MethBoobs’ paso doble is that it was intense, but messy. If that doesn’t sum MethBoobs up in one phrase, I don’t know what does.
Come on, who doesn’t like Tommy Lee’s sloppy seconds?
Ochostinko showed a slight improvement over last week, but for a powerful, muscular guy, he’s kind of a pussy on the dance floor.
There’s a joke in there somewhere about Len, powerful muscular guys, and pussies on the dance floor. I’m just too drunk to put it together.
Len says Aiden has Analysis Paralysis…I googled that to see if it was something freaky, but Len explains that Aiden is taking in so much information and concentrating so hard on remembering the steps that he has a hard time moving smoothly and flowing.
Come on, what can I do to get you to see things my way?
Len was not a happy camper over P Doll and Ken Doll’s quickstep. They broke all the rules, it was too much vaudeville, not enough meat. Heh.
Not exactly what Ken Doll had in mind when he thought, “I want some ass in my face tonight!”
Shitler’s Paso Doble, of course, sucked big hairy balls. I have absolutely NO CLUE how in the world it is possible for someone to be so unaware. She is absolutely clueless as to how her body moves, what she looks like when she’s dancing, her facial expressions, hell, everything about her! She’s absolutely clueless as to why people LOATHE her. It’s unreal. I’ve seen heroin addicts with more self awareness.
She probably thinks she looks like Cinderfuckingella.
Lenny thinks Buzz’s story was charming, but his dance was alarming. And every time you talk shit about Buzz, a kitten dies. Way to go Len, I loved that little kitty!
I still have more issues with Ashly Misspelled’s nose than I do with Buzz’s dancing. I won’t be responsible for any kitten deaths.
Erin and Maks’ waltz was hot. She was blindfolded for eff’s sake. Sounds like a cheesy porn, but if Maks is involved, count me IN. They only got an 8-7-8, and Len throws in a bitchy line about how he should have actually given her a 6 because there wasn’t enough waltz elements thrown in. Bullshit. If P-Doll got 10′s last week for that piece of shit jive, this should have scored higher. And I’m not just saying that because I’m dickmatized over Maks. Swear.
You can blindfold me, darling. I won’t protest. Unless you want me to.
Len was impressed with Evan’s quickstep because he came out of the box full bore.
Honey, this kid’s never done anything with a box, sorry to say.
All in all, Len was pleased with all of the performances. Except Shitler. Because, to review, she’s the debil.
The Berge and The Brooke then ask the judges to pick their favorite to do an encore performance. Len is perplexed….
then of course chooses my favorite little gay boy to perform. Evan is SO adorable, and I love him, but he totally looks almost exactly like this bartender I effed in college that I kind of fell for and turned out to be married. So every time I see him I want to kick him in the balls then I remember how cute he is and I just wanna be his fag hag. I’m so torn!!
Next up, performance by Reba McEntire. I don’t like country AT ALL, but I think Reba is a classy, talented artist, and anything involving Maks in Wranglers works for me!
She looks really good for 55, too.
Stop looking at my man, Reba. I will shank a bitch, even if you’re an old bitch.
Finally, more results! Next couple that is safe…..is……
Niecy and Louis! Yay!
He is overwhelmed by the magnificence!
More filler. At least this time, it’s really, really good filler. A Paso Doble danced by Ken Doll and Chelsie to an acoustic piece played by Mark Balls and two other dudes from his band. It was SO, SO good. Intense, sharp, right on.
Ken Doll danced like he ditched the ambiguous lump of plastic and actually grew a pair. Hot.
As I said before, this week, the couples were challenged by the judges to tell a story with their dance. Next week will be what is called a Double Score Showdown. What pothead came up with that title? Wasn’t me! Each couple will receive two scores for their dance…one for technique and one for performance. They will also be given specific moves they must perform. Len insists it will be the hardest test they have faced so far, I insist it is because they will only have nine couples but still want to stretch the show to two hours. I win.
Again, more results!
Next saved couple (and not in the baby jeebus way) is……P-Doll and Ken Doll! Plastic action figures unite!
She borrowed Skipper’s sailor outfit for the occasion.
Ugh, more Reba with more country songs. Luckily, it is saved with dancing by two of my favorites from SYTYCD and DWTS, Cabana Boy (Dmitry) and Lacey!
Whoa! Country makes me want to eff someone in the poop chute too, but not on stage! Bad Cabana Boy!
Two more results….the next couple NOT going home is….
Evan and Anna!
PS-I heart Anna. Not only can she dance, she seems to have a great personality. Love her.
For a gay boy, he looks like he’s got the motorboating thing down. Keep him away from Niecy!
Also in the clear….Ochostinko and Mophead!
I vant to suck your mopwater….er….blood.
After a painful interview by Brooke of some of the remaining couples, where Ochostinko shares that he plans on “making love on the dancefloor” next week with Mophead, and she hilariously looks absolutely NOT interested, we then see a personality segment about what good friends all the contestants are. Uh huh. Sure. It’s all fun and games until someone spikes your coffee with ex-lax or shanks you in the back. Seriously.
And I still can’t even deal with looking at Evan. Bartender, bartender, bartender! Aaaahhh!
Finally, even more results. Next couple who doesn’t suck the most is….
MethBoobs and Steve Irwin! Wheeee!
Seriously, what do you think, she could probably fit at least a pound in each of those bad boys? You’ve seen that season of Nip/Tuck, haven’t you?
After the final commercial, we are down to three couples. Weepy Vagina/Chelsie, Buzz/Ashly Misspelled, and Shitler/Tony. The first couple in the bottom two is…
Buzz and Ashly Misspelled.
I told you fuckers that if you don’t vote for Buzz, you’re going to hell! I’ll save you a seat!
Joining them in the bottom is….
Weepy Vagina and Chelsie! Holy shit!
Don’t worry, Jake, I feel the same way every time I see your fucktardian face.
I hate WV, but not nearly as much as Shitler! WTF?!?!? You bastards better promise me that you are voting for Shitler because you love seeing her fail, and not because you actually think she is a decent human being! If there is anyone who actually thinks she is a valuable member of society, please raise your hand now so the Natural Selection fairy can come around and take care of you. Fuck.
So, Shitler and Tony are safe.
She bitchcomplished another week. Nazi.
So, who’s going home? As much as I would love to tell you it was WV, it is Buzz and Ashly Misspelled. As relieved as I am that I won’t have to type out Ashly without an E anymore, I’m sad to see Buzz go. Love you old dude!
Alrighty, my Gasmic Darlings, another week in the history books! What do you think is going to happen next week? Is the Shitler going to be able to keep up her path of destruction and world domination, or will someone finally take her ass down? I’ll be right here with you to find out!
Love and Bubbles,