Dancing With The Stars: Results Show Week 4

This week on Dancing With The Stars: Results Show…We discover people are voting in record numbers, presumably to keep the donkey show that is Shitler on air and “dancing”.

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. I didn’t mean for that opening remark to come off as shitty as it probably did, I’m just struggling with my love/hate relationship with DWTS. On one hand, the fact that the worst dancer in the show’s history might actually win this shit due to you sadistic voters is pretty freaking hilarious. On another-she sucks at life, and the longer she stays on here, the more and more her out of control ego is fed. I was also going to state “and is keeping her away from her children,” but in hindsight, that’s probably a good thing. Can anybody say, Mommy Dearest?

As CrazyCatLady so kindly told us in her hilarious recap and The Berge and The Brooke must reiterate no less than five million times, this week is the DOUBLE SCORE SHOWDOWN! In other news, The Brooke looks like she came straight from my senior prom:

Straight to some results! We have to hook you in so you’ll keep watching the asinine filler!

The first couple saved is….

Mophead and Ochostinko!

And Ochostinko goes directly over to Weepy Vagina to celebrate with a kiss.

Hmmm, is there something we should know about here? Oh, and BTdubs? That ring he gave Mophead has got to be totally fake and is nothing but a publicity stunt. He and Mophead can barely stand each other and he bounces checks to strip clubs. Homeboy isn’t buying anyone a 20k ring.

The next couple safe is….

The Weepy Vagina himself, and poor cute little Chelsie.

If you’re having trouble sleeping, I’m here to help! Time for Len’s rundown of the performance show.

Len and the other judges were not impressed by Maks’ and Erin’s tango.

Side note: Did you see Maks and Erin on Ellen last Thursday? They were so adorable. I don’t think they’re banging, but either way, they are doing an amazing job of neither confirming nor denying. Seriously, it takes talent to evade a direct question that well.

And they did not deserve that low of scores. Honestly, it’s becoming very apparent that ABC decides who they want on or off the show and the judges score and the audience “votes” accordingly.

Bartender and Anna danced a Tango, and Len was concerned with Bartender’s posture.

He did look like a little twink version of Tony Montana, which totally cracked me up. I had a reader tell me that he is not gay, that there were rumors of him dating Nastia Liukin. Good call, I remember that now. But I refuse to believe that boy is straight until I see the sex tape with him actually penetrating a female and enjoying it. Trust me, I’ve been a beard enough times to know my gaydar is usually spot on. No matter, he’s still one of my faves, and totally adorable.

Again, the dumb ass judges ragged on Niecy and Louis’ rumba, which was total BS. She performs a perfectly good routine and gets trashed, and Shitler graduates from bouncing to walking and gets a fucking medal? If Niecy gets sent home before Shitler, I quit. Mark my fucking words, you will be without a results show recapper because I will quit this bitch. Sigh…rant over.

Len thought Aiden’s dance lacked fluidity and musicality, and he was right. Aiden=hot, but just not a good dancer. It’s okay dude, we’re all not perfect. Edyta, however, might just be. I don’t swing that way, but this chick is a hot piece. She looked like Gisele with that hair and that outfit.

P-Doll and Ken Doll still managed to get good scores, but P-Doll was not pleased with the lack of tens and the criticism from the judges.

Also-her quote in the post interview-”I’m an artist, I’m not like other people!” There was a great blind item revealed about her in one of the gossip blogs awhile back-

#1 & 2 – This foreign born much more famous in the rest of the world than in the US world class athlete and his American born C list singer/reality star broke up because she said she wanted to really focus on her singing craft. Her boyfriend then laughed so hard he cried. She didn’t find it funny and they are no more.

#1 – Lewis Hamilton
#2 – Nicole Scherzinger

This bitch really takes herself that seriously. Um, you were in a manufactured failed pop group. You don’t even have enough oomph from that group to release your own album. Get over yourself!!!!

Len thinks Weepy Vagina sacrificed technique for “attack”. Yes, he screwed up a couple of times. I can’t believe I’m about to go to bat for this asshat, but at least he’s fucking trying, and maybe has a tiny bit of skill in his douche canoe somewhere.

And to prove this show is rigged, Len raves about how Shitler has had a mini-breakthrough. Again, because she learned how to walk around the dancefloor without that shitty look on her face. I’m about to have a mini-breakdown.

Ochostinko showed confidence in his rumba, which translated to his best performance to date.

Len thought MethBoobs was a revelation, and performed fabulously. I was just impressed she actually wore half a dress and toned down the skank to a primetime level.

Who do the judges want to see again for the encore dance tonight? None other than Miss Skank City herself, with Steve Irwin. Sweet.

Oh, and don’t forget to reschedule your bikini wax next week for something slightly more painful-Movie Week on DWTS, complete with a cheesy faux trailer!

In even more irrelevancy, Sade is here to perform.

The music….meh. Steve Irwin and Chelsie’s dance? Actually pretty good. Chels is probably stoked to be dancing with someone who doesn’t leak vaginal secretions all over her.

Freaking finally, time for more results.

The next couple that is free to make an ass out of themselves for one more week is….

Bartender and Anna!

As he should be. Not only does he have loads of talent, he’s been dancing on broken toes AND performing in Stars on Ice…so he’s flying back and forth across the country to ice skate every single night. Bravo, Bartender.

To introduce some little kids that will be performing, apparently they are the “Future of Ballroom” and really, really good, we look back at some of our pros and their childhoods growing up competing.

But why do all moms chop their daughters hair off into that hideous style somewhere in elementary school? HappyDaughters, I promise I will never do that to you.

And Mark Balls and Ken Doll really wonder why people question their sexuality? Seriously.

Another stupid faux movie trailer for Movie Week…Chachablanca. Evan and Niecy. He giggled the entire time. “You want me to kiss a real girl?” Hahahahaha.

Two more safe couples revealed. The unlucky duos are….

P-Doll and Ken Doll!

and….

MethBoobs and Steve Irwin!

After that, more filler, this time actually quality. It was a contemporary/ballet/hiphop fusion dance by some awesome dancers from a ballet company and set to music by a rockin hip hop VIOLIN duo called Nothing But Strings, and choreographed by Travis Wall from SYTYCD fame. Seriously-good stuff. Go YouTube it, definitely worth your time.

Sade is back, performing Sweetest Taboo. You know the song. Let’s all sing along.

The Brooke interviews Shitler and Tony backstage, and if I didn’t know better, she actually seemed human. With emotions. And a major lack of cuntiness. Maybe Tony took one for the team and actually effed the bitchiness out of her. I would probably be that cranky if I had been stuck banging “Turtlepeen” Jon Gosselin for ten years.

One more safe couple revealed….

Erin and my boyfriend!

Three couples left, all of whom have never been in the bottom two. Such a cliffhanger. That’s my sarcasm font. Like it? Niecy/Louis, Aiden/Edyta, Shitler/Tony.

Safe is……Shitler and Tony? Dude, I am this close to rioting. If I didn’t love my PC so much, this screen would be out the window, seriously.

Down to two. Who’s it going to be?

Poor Aiden. I’m surprised, because I figured he would have the soap opera watching minivan majority behind him, but apparently they all sold their souls to Team Shitler. I can live without him, though, because he’s kind of weird and cries a lot, and hot guys shouldn’t be crying all the time. And if Niecy had left…well, you all know what would have happened.

So, my Gasmic Darlings, what are you all thinking? I suppose I better resign myself to the fact that Shitler is going to be around for a long time to come. How else is ABC going to get any ratings without letting Pammy go naked? Who’s next on the chopping block next week? I think it’s going to be Weepy Vagina, or, unfortunately, my dear Niecy. Sadface. I’ll see you next week to find out!

Love and Bubbles,
HappyHousewife