Monday night revealed to the millions who watch Dancing With The Stars what a bunch jellyfish the judges actually are, as they awarded five of the remaining eleven couples 21 points. In doing so, they shortchanged some of the better celebrity dancers, and insured those with smaller fan bases would be sent packing sooner, not later. So which of the lesser-knowns failed the test? It isn’t hard to figure out, but just like the show, I’m gonna make you wait a bit…
Sorry, guys! America voted. Buh-bye!
I have to laugh at Tom Bergeron’s melodramatic opening…intoning that someone will get the “shock of their lives.” You mean these guys have no idea that all but one couple will lose? Doesn’t say much for their level of intelligence, does it.
However, before someone gets hit with a cattle prod, the usual snappily edited short version of the show we’ve already seen must be played. Among the clips are delightful comments from the contestants, including new mom (and I thought newlywed) Mel B. asking Maksim to go out. Remember the etiquette expert Maks brought in to help Mel B. act more like a lady? Apparently she forgot to cover dating while married. Luckily we also get to see the awesome splat that was Ms. Garth and her partner. And, like Monday, they showed it to us at several speeds. This program has suddenly become more like auto racing than Helio imagined it would be. People are watching for the crashes.
Works for me.
Speaking of Helio…Len cited Helio and Julianne’s mambo as the best dance of the week, and asked the pair to repeat it, which they did. But when they finished, Helio patted Julianne’s tummy like she was a puppy. I can understand his confusion, what with her tail wagging and panting and all.
You shouldn’t do this dog imitation in public.
Queen Latifah, a.k.a. Dana Owens, then performs for the crowd. After her performance in the movie Chicago, I wonder why she isn’t a participant in the competition, instead of just filler on results night. She would have less of an edge than the Cheetah Girl, and she’s got a bigger fan base.
Come to think of it, she didn’t move a whole lot in Chicago…
We then have a demonstration of what a real tango is supposed to look like, using professional dancers whose names we don’t recognize, followed by some wasted “comic” moments. Jimmy Kimmel and Kenny Maine will be taking turns all season torturing us with bits so forced and badly executed they make ABC’s Cavemen look like MoliÃ¨re. This particular one has The Count from Sesame Street answering the phone lines for viewer votes. Given his method of tabulating, it explains why the results shows take so long. Ah…ah…ah.
Tom Bergeron takes a moment to hawk the recently published Dancing With The Stars book. How exactly does that work? Do you flip the pages really fast so it looks like the illustrations are moving? And to eliminate a couple, do you rip out some pages? I’ll have to check into this…
After giving away another hour of my life, it’s finally time to boot someone’s butt outta here. It comes down to male model Albert Reed and his partner Anna versus Botox Boy Wayne Newton and Cheryl. Can you guess who will be ousted? Well, if you employ my formula from last week (fan-base, fan-base, fan-base,) you come up with the answer: the model. In his video interviews, Reed talked about being addicted to performing on this show. He’s in for some severe discomfort as he goes through cha-cha-cha withdrawal, which I hear is the worst. It’s unfortunate, but Albert goes home, breaking my heart, if only for the reason I wanted to use the phrase “warp-speed crotch action” a few more times this season. The kid has a lot of personality, though, and maybe if we all wish hard enough, TPTB will let Albert replace Drew Lachey until Stuttering Sam gets back.
Alright, Marie! You can stop auditioning for Deadwood! It’s over!
Lastly, I should note Jane Seymore was absent for the results show. Early in the rehearsal process Jane had given an interview during which she talked about her mother, with whom she was reportedly very close. Apparently the woman was a very big a fan of the show, and Jane’s participation in Dancing With The Stars was a tribute to her mom. Sadly, late Monday evening, Jane’s 92 year old mother passed away. There’s a lot of sarcasm and cynicism in much of what we do here at TVGasm, but there is no humor in that kind of life-changing pain. We extend our sincere and heartfelt condolences to her and her family.