DWTS Recap: Weeping with the Stars Results

Howdy to all my sparkling diamonds out there! This was the week I was relieved to not be recapping the main show. Hat’s off to T-Cake for finding some funny comments during Weepy Week. So imagine my surprise when I couldn’t stop tearing up from the Tuesday installment either? Not from sheer boredom mind you, but from pure emotional drainage?

Of course, this week’s results show had plenty of filler (looking at you Seal), but a few surprises, too. The producers have chosen to change a few rules of the game, starting the week after next. The reason for these changes? I think we should wildly speculate. My conspiracy theory: the producers won’t let the judges wimp out and give all bottom or middle tier candidates 8-8-8 every week to avoid ‘judgment’. Go big or go home, chumps!

And now it’s time to begin Seal: The Apology Tour.

Okay, to be fair, it’s not that bad. I just prefer these performances to focus more on the professional dancers. After all, the best part of these results shows is watching the professional dancers show their best stuff with no training wheels! This song just made me miss Morgan Freeman…and look for Lean on Me to add to my Netflix queue.

Was it Seal or a Turtle? You make the call!

With that opening performance, it’s straight to the leader board to prove the judges took last night off. I realize that no one wants to be the ‘mean one’ on Sob Story night, but this?

Sorry, but the 5 couples on the bottom didn’t give us the same performance yesterday by a long shot. Grow a pair, Len! It’s why you’re my favorite!

Len jinxes the entire show with this statement “I wish those producers up in that little box somewhere would come down here and say, listen, let’s roll it all over to next week because no one deserves to go home tonight.” Len, honey, don’t taunt the producers. The rule changes were inevitable the moment you brought ‘producers’ into your commentary. You waved a red sheet in front of a bull.

Okay, on to the first four couples’ behind the scenes and status:
Team Roshon: He’s a manic squirrel on attack and I fear for Chelsie…but safe.
Team Maria: During the performance: steamy sauna. Before and after: cold shower. They’re safe.
Team Gavin: Karina’s telegraphing a departure with her behind the scenes moments. They’re up for elimination.
Team Katherine: The behind the scenes had me tearing up all over again. Mark was so sweet, protecting her from listening to the taped footage so she could concentrate on performing! They’re safe.

“Don’t think about your dead Dad, don’t think about your dead Dad.  Really, just ignore the dead Dad montage.”

Back from commercial, we have the first hint at what next week will bring: Jaleel as Mick Jagger (Satisfaction?) and Gladys as a rockin’ Tina Turner. Please, please, please let me see William Levy’s tribute to Bruno – A Hard Day’s Night!

Now it’s time for the Spotlight dance, and this week was a Tearjerker. Anna Trebunskaya and her husband Jonathan Roberts performed a beautiful dance in tribute to their friend and fellow dancer Julia Ivleva. Julia has stage four lung cancer, and I can’t lie, her story moves me to tears. Watching the segment a second time is physically painful. Let’s just say the performance was incredible and leave it at that.

Beautiful, poignant, smooth, not much else to say.

More behind the scenes and status, hopefully we can dry the tears in time:
Team Gladys: She’s worried about her frame, we’re just enchanted. Did anyone else feel like she lost at least 40 years while dancing that number? It felt like Gladys was channeling a young self in a more innocent age. Unfortunately, my girl is up for elimination.
Team Jaleel: We get a replay of the bizarre ‘Mickey Mouse’ comment no one understood (least of all me), and the kiss and cry moment isn’t clarifying. “I don’t touch my old characters; I leave them in a vault.” Yeah, still think you’re showing signs of fruit loops. They’re safe.
Team William: I think his behind the scenes moments are less about William Levy and more about documenting his future protective order from Bruno. Of course, we get to relive Cheryl Burke’s almost-fall and her amazing ability to pimp out the celebrity. Of course they’re safe this week!

But next week we’re toast. Please vote for the chest, ignore the Jive!

One more commercial break and time for quick interviews with the final four performers waiting on their fate in the balcony lounge. Sherri gets a surprise from the producers with a lifeline to next week and an excuse to rock her weave (her words, not mine). Then a surprise for the audience and judges as the camera cuts to Tom on the floor with more words from the producers. We have a rule change!

Carrie Ann will now attempt her best ‘surprised’ face. Fail.

So after next week and for the next 3 weeks after that the bottom performer won’t be eliminated. The new rule will instead have the bottom two performers compete in a gladiator-style match to the death with a weapon pulled from Bronze Age warfare. Don’t worry, there will be glitter. The glitter will be glorious. Week 5’s weapon: trebuchet.

After that bomb, more performances from the pros: this time it’s a Stars of Dance performance pulled right out of America’s Best Dance Crew. Now I loved this performance, I just wasn’t expecting it on this show.

First we get magic…

Then a Hipster-style “Michael Jackson Takes Broadway”

With a Charlie’s Angels finish!

Just one commercial break and it’s time for the last live musical act: Rascal Flats. I must admit I’ve never heard of Rascal Flats, but I’m not a country fan. Strange to be a Nebraskan with no knowledge of Rascal Flats, but oh, well. I will say it was a surprise to see a lingerie model pop up during the song, though.

Next week’s Abby Lee costume for 9 year olds.

My favorite moment is actually the interview. The members of Rascal Flats are old friends of Gavin, and as a friend have recommended to Gavin a change in headgear to improve his scores. ‘Fezzes are cool’ Tom says.

I know a Doctor who might agree with you.

Of course, this reference is lost on Rascal Flats, but as a frustrated geek I’m used to this kind of disappointment.

Finally time for results on the final 3:
Team Sherri: She’s a weepy mess behind the scenes; we already know she’s safe though.
Team Donald: Donald was barely keeping in those emotions, during the performance is about the only time we could see just how much his tribute was effecting him. Safe this week!
Team Jack: Dorky backstage moment captured looks just like I did when running through my Smeraldina choreo. Of course, Smeraldina is a clown in Commedia dell’arte. Possibly not what Jack was aiming for? He’s up for elimination.
Team Melissa: We get to see Maksim attempting to pump Melissa up before the performance. Melissa, here is a quick tip. When talking to you Maksim is really saying ‘robotic’, not calm. Allow your face to express emotions and you could win me over…for another 2 weeks. On the good news front Melissa is safe this week!

That’s the look of pure satisfaction from Maksim. And showing me a perfect chest/shirt ratio.

I’m starting to feel like every moment of this show is becoming the Hunger Games. Each contestant is playing to the audience for our favor, and I love it.

In the final moments, first Team Gladys is safe, and then Team Gavin so Team Jack Wagner is sent home. Honestly, I would have been pretty pissed if Team Gladys was sent home, but I can see either Gavin or Jack leaving at this point. It’s tough when no teams are bad enough to be an obvious choice for elimination. As far as I’m concerned, once Gavin and Sherri have left, all bets are off. Everyone else either was really good out of the gate or is improving so well I want them to stay. Even Melissa Gilbert is starting to grow on me!

I’m looking forward to Kiss and rock week! I’ll be on a road trip to Vegas, but I’m taking my mobile broadband for a spin…what songs are you hoping for?

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