Dancing With the Stars: Screwin the Looch

Last week, Cloris was finally eliminated. Now that we’re getting towards the end, this should be mostly good dancing, right? Well, with Cloris gone, the general dancing IQ of the “stars” has gone up like 70 points. I’m looking forward to tonight’s show.

I’m not! Come back, Leach!

****As per usual, Krank is on recap duty and Flipit has screengrab captions and results pic recap duty. Enjoy!

Tonight we will see two team dances. It’s like a group number, but the pairs are split into two teams. There’s all sorts of rehearsal drama footage the producers are trying to build up like the pairs are having drama in the group rehearsal, but you know no one gives a crap about the group numbers. The judges don’t even score them! Susan Lucci just wandered all over the stage in the hip-hop number. Group numbers are a joke. Unless it’s all pros, and then they kind of rule.

Very dramatic. It’s like the Cuban Missile Crisis all over again.

As mentioned last week, Julianne is having surgery this week, so Edyyta will be dancing with Cody. I bet Julianne is really happy not to be dealing with the humping puppy that is Cody Linley for awhile.

Is it me or does is this kid on the road to becoming the next Ted McGinley? I’m not sure who I’m dissing there, just an observation. Carry on.

Oh shit, I take back my comments about the “team” number – the judges will be scoring them, and that score will be added to their individual scores. Betches changed the game on me.

Up first tonight – Warren Sapp. Last week, Warren played the part well, but missed a step or two. This week they’re focusing on the character as usual, but also the technique for their Foxtrot. Warren finally gets a field trip… to the studio next door! To see a man do the Foxtrot, because Kym can’t show him everything. Warren calls the Foxtrot “a beautiful thing” – hee. Basically, Warren and Kym are getting a lesson from this Nick guy. I like Kym. Her rehearsal field trips are actually useful instead of time wasting.

Warren has the steps, but I’m not sure he’ll ever have the kind of grace needed for the Foxtrot. Like, he’s into it, but you need to be channeling Gene Kelly for this kind of number, and I don’t think Warren can ever be truly light on his feet.

Poor thing ended up with a backwards B on her cheek.

Cranky Len is back. He didn’t think this was their best dance, but he liked Kym’s spin on the dance, which allowed their personalities to come out. Chewbacca is in the audience and does not appreciate Len’s comments.

No, Kath, she didn’t mean you.

Bruno has wrapped Kym’s boa around one shoulder and it matches his pink tie perfectly. He throws out an “I am what I am,” and wow, he’s channeling La Cage aux Folles. Bruno thought they sucked, basically. He wants better technique and the kind of ease of movement Warren had at the beginning of the season. Oh no! Is my fave heading towards an early end? Carrie Ann scolds Warren and calls him out in front of the class to answer why he’s not behaving like his usual self. He blames it on the shoes and they get out of there fast. Scores for Warren: 7, 7, 7, for a total of 21.

You, sir, are no Robin Williams.

This week, the Looch is coming off of one of her best weeks ever, score-wise (I think she still blew at the actual dancing.) However, without a bottom two last week, she doesn’t feel safe. This week, they’re tackling the Paso Doble and fighting all over the place in rehearsal. Basically, she’s pissed that he doesn’t sugarcoat his criticism. Buck up, Looch!

I will get revenge. REVENGE!

In performance, it’s the same old timid, tottering dance from the Looch. Also her hair is GIGANTIC this week. I think it weighs more than she does. No wonder she looks like she’s going to fall over all the time – she’s incredibly top-heavy. I get it now. Oh bless her heart, she’s trying to be powerful. Also, that final pose where she’s upside down? Terrifying. Upside down you really see how plastic the Looch is.

When she dies she’s gonna be thrown in the recycle bin.

Bruno liked it. INEXPLICABLY! He thinks she can “ride that bull up and down with pride.” I don’t want to know what he means by that. Carrie Ann calls the Looch up to the teacher’s desk and asks her to turn around and shout to the audience with poor grammar, “I am doing good!” Len thought it was one of her best dances. Scores for the Looch: 8, 8, 8, for a total of 24. I’m sorry, but she was not better than Warren by three points.

Unless they’re Weight Watchers points.

Maurice and Cheryl were in the bottom two points-wise last week. He’s horribly frustrated in rehearsal, punching his hands and everything! Grr! Cheryl talks him down, assuring him it’s okay to make mistakes in rehearsal, that’s what practice is for. Ooh, actual team rehearsal drama too, when Maurice hyper-extends his leg. He’s limping and sad and Cheryl’s freaked out, but ultimately, he’s ready to fight through the pain.

Smell test.

In performance, he looks fine. Most importantly, he looks happier, but also, there’s tons of footwork in this routine and he looks great on all of it. So cute! It’s perfectly upbeat, and seriously, I can’t find anything to criticize. Except their outfits, you can always criticize ballroom outfits.

Carrie Ann says the smooth Maurice is back! She thought it was the perfect mix of “form and freedom.” Len backhand compliments that they were bright and sparkly, “like cheap jewelry” because it wasn’t always top quality. Uh, thanks? Asshole? But he did think it was Maurice’s best dance. “Happy days are here again for Mauice!” Declares Bruno. Scores for Maurice: 8, 9, 8, for a total of 25. They were definitely more than one point better than the Looch. Ridic.

Last week Cody continued to cruise through this competition, though now rattled by the loss of his partner. Julianne is off getter her appendix removed or something, so Cody has been reassigned to Edyta. They have to do the Viennese Waltz this week, so Edyta thinks they need to find a connection fast. Cody’s eyebrows are all, “Schwing!” They pay a visit to a recuperating Julianne. She advises Edyta to give Cody a character, because he’s best at pretending. Their rehearsals seem to go very smoothly. Sometimes I feel bad about making fun of Cody, because he actually seems like a very amenable guy.

Uh…please tell me you stole that jacket from the costume department.

They’re waltzing to “To Love a Woman.” CHEESE. Seriously, this song is so cheesy, I cannot focus on the dance in front of me. It’s a cute dance, they do it well, but mostly, I find Cody’s faces to be hilarious. Especially in their final pose.

Have you ever really bitten off a woman’s face?

They’re pretty elated, but how do the judges feel? Len thought the pair looked comfortable together, but uncomfortable with the waltz. Len wanted more lyrical grace. Bruno calls Cody “a fledgling bird, stretching its wings, but not quite able to take off.” Sometimes Bruno is a poet. He goes on to call Cody clumsy. Carrie Ann thought it was great and likes his attention to his arms. Scores for Cody: 8, 7, 7, for a total of 22. Wow, harsh scores this week.

Last week, Lance finally made it to the top of the leader board. Of course, Lacey must self-destruct this week. She claims they’re dancing barefoot because the Rumba is a “grounded, earthy dance,” but you know she just wants to be “different.” Lance broke his toe last week, so dancing barefoot is hurting him. Lacey’s a big baby about it and refuses to reconceive their dance shod. Dude, he’s injured. Whoa, leave the fits to the stars, diva.

This is how he should be spending the whole number.

In performance, they are sitting on a bench. Necessary? Really? Do you really want to add that touch of realism and set a place? Especially when you’re dressed like a mermaid, Lacey? Really? Also, to a John Mayer song? I’ve already found three strikes and we’re two seconds into their performance. Lance looks great – no pain, even barefoot, but Lacey’s sack dress is distracting. She looks like a big baked potato spinning around up there.

Back away from the carbs, Lance.

Bruno thinks “‘barefoot in the park’ has never looked so seductive and romantic.” He thought it inspired and refreshing. Carrie Ann felt the same as I did about the barefoot thing, but thought it ended up paying off for Lacey. Len didn’t get it. He totally rails against barefooted dancing, pointing out all the technical dance reasons why they should wear shoes. Seriously, he’s railing. I think he’s going to pull something. Scores from the judges: 9, 7, 9, for a total of 25.

Last week’s Rumba was not Brooke and Derek’s best performance, but they know they’re pretty awesome, so their strategy this week is just to dance well and reclaim their spot at the top. They’ve been assigned the Foxtrot this week, and Derek thinks the fluid style is perfectly suited for Brooke. In rehearsal, he’s really pleased with her, saying there were points he thought he was dancing with a professional.

That reminds me. I need to call the maid. My floors are filthy.

In performance, the pair are classy and smooth. Their positioning is nice, but it’s really very slow. It’s not the most exciting dance, but nice too look at.

Carrie Ann was completely wowed. She loved the lines and agrees that Brooke is getting on par with the pros. Len thought it truly fantastic. Bruno says it was a “gobsmacking beautiful performance from start to finish!” Scores for Brooke: 10, 10, 10, for a total of 30. The best part of this shot are all the other stars and pros looking on jealously in the background.

We’re happy for you. Really.

Hilariously, two stars (the Looch and Warren) were named team captains and got to pick their teams. The Looch got Cody and Edyta and Lance and Lacey (definitely the second pick team.) Warren, meanwhile, got Brooke and Derek and Maurice and Cheryl.

Up first tonight – team Cha Cha – who are all entertainers, so they are going to play up to that strength. Yeah, they can’t just go with straight skill because they’ve got the Looch. The stars recognize that they can’t slack on this like they did in the hip-hop routine, since this will actually be scored. Apparently there will be group and solo elements, but they will be scored as a team. Susan is the weak link, clearly. The other teams watch menacingly as the Looch rehearses alone.

Don’t f with this girl. She’ll cut you.

Is Cody chewing gum in performance? Major no-no. Also, the whole beginning is such a mess that I’m wondering if they’re even supposed to be together. When the pairs are featured alone, Cody and Edyta look very nice. Susan and Tony are timid and fragile, as ush. Lance and Lacey look good, though Lance isn’t given a ton to do. You can see in the Looch’s eyes that she has no idea what she’s supposed to be doing. Though I do feel bad she’s the sole female “star” so she’s being compared to two pros.

So, when’s that puberty thing gonna happen?

Len acknowledges the difficulty of their task and thought they did a nice job, singling out Lance and Lacey for special praise. Bruno thought it was teetering on disaster, saved only by Lance and Lacey. I didn’t think Cody and Edyta were terrible. Maybe they’re just making up for Len’s rant earlier. Carrie Ann tells it like it is, saying their unison was awful and I quote, “That was brutal to watch.” AWESOME. Scores for Team Cha Cha: 6, 7, 7, for a total of 20. Ouch.

Oh man these costumes are just wrong. Could you imagine if Jeffery Ross was still here?

On Team Paso Doblé, Maurice and Cheryl are the only ones who haven’t done the Paso before. They all work well together, offering advice as needed. Everyone’s pumped, and at the final rehearsal, Warren takes it upon himself as team leader to offer a pep talk, “Cha Cha what?”

In performance, the unison isn’t perfect, but it’s certainly much better than Team Cha Cha’s. Kym looks absolutely crazed. I love it! Warren and Kym’s solo makes up for their performance earlier. Maurice and Cheryl look good, considering they haven’t done the Paso before. This performance has been so good so far, that I hadn’t noticed the country music. Derek and Brooke come in and fucking knock it out of the park as usual. Ridic. Team Paso Doble rules! The audience goes crazy.

How cute is this guy?

Even Tom Bergeron is swayed, calling them incredible. Bruno rambles incomprehensibly for a bit, so you know he loved it. Carrie Ann praised their team work and individual performances, calling it a “magical mish mosh.” Len doesn’t have the vapors quite like the other two, saying it’s easier to keep time in a marching dance than a Latin dance. He thought they did a fantastic job, but is just pointing out that they had the easier dance. Because he’s crotchety. Scores: 10, 9, 10, for a total of 29. They wiped the floor with the other team.

Unsurprisingly, Brooke and Derek are at the top of the leaderboard, with a near-perfect 59/60. Surprisingly, Cody and Edyta are in the bottom with 42/60.

And now for the Results Show Pic Recap!

Seriously. Still not ok with this.

Useless is wearing a bizarre gift wrap dress.

Merry Christmas. It’s Useless.

The audience goes crazy when she says that Lionel Ritchie’s gonna be in the house tonight, which is cute. I wonder if they understand that he’s not gonna be there talking about his daughter and instead he’s gonna…you know…sing. I can’t wait to see what he looks like. In my mind he looks like Pearl from 227.

The Judges get to choose what dance they want to see again and Tom to Len as the “king of constipated commentary”. LOL.

I can poop just fine, thank you. I poop too well.

Len wants to see the Paso Doble again. Party because it was good, and partly because it’s fun to watch Kym hang on for dear life as Warrnen stomps all over the stage like the Jolly Green giant while she tries to hang on to his waist and breath out of her mouth.

I’m gonna love you and squeeze you and…whiplash.

Suddenly, the group breaks into Fiddler on the Roof. Cheryl is Yenta.

Traditioooooooon! Tradition!

Fiddler never gets old. Next up, Len stars as Mame and Bruno plays Vera. Stay tuned!

Backstage, Useless asks the Looch why she’s wearing such a short skirt when she’s got frog legs.

And then Looch catches a fly and wipes wart juice all over Useless’ gift wrap dress.

Lionel Ritchie’s out next and guess what? He’s sold over a hundred million albums! Holy crap. That Dancing on the Ceiling sure caught on with the kids, eh?

Congrats. Now please stop rubbing yourself.

He’s all nasally and off key, and his song is “young and fresh”, meaning it sounds like one loop from Garage Band played over and over with “yeah, girl” pasted repeatedly on top. Way to be just as craptacular as the times call for, Lionel! It’s good to see the guy still kicking, but watching him rub himself in a pleather flight jacket like he’s twenty is a little bit like seeing Madonna put her ankles behind her head in her old Like a Virgin S&M getup at fifty years old. You guys are rich now, k? Now please. Take a rest.

I’m not ready for your closeup, Mr. DeMille. Put that mug away already.

And then on a particularly painful note, the dancers lose their concentration and SPLAT!

!

Poor dead dancer! That can’t help sales.

Backstage, Cheryl tries to convince Maurice that his back is just getting old and she hasn’t gained any weight at all.

Then she takes a bite out of his cheek and the straps of her top bust.

They are the first couple safe! Jerry Rice and Kenny Mayne join Len for Dance Center, which is like Sports Center, but with glitter. And fewer balls.

Texas Tech didn’t have much of a chance, but they sang their hearts out and proudly waved spirit fingers in unison all the way to a win. Holla ballas, let’s slap each other’s butts now.

Flatley was a better judge than you. How can you show your face here?

That’s why I had him set on fire. Is that a spot on my head? Do you see that?

The elections are tomorrow. Who you voting for?

Duh. I’m voting for the black guy. Palin!





You betcha!

Len, why are you so quiet all the sudden?

What? I didn’t say anything.

The blood is trying very hard to reach his pee pee. Go, old boner! Go!

You’re ignorant. Let’s talk about the Looch. Hot or not?

She has frog legs and dry hair. May I suggest…

It could only help at this point.

Finally. We can all agree on something. On to Maurice.

Len? Hello? Stop thinking about boners.

And…he poops.





Lance. Wasn’t he almost the first gay guy on the Russian moon? He and Laci could be sisters.

Or you could morph them into Ellen DeGeneres.

You killed Len’s almost boner with that one. Moving on to Brooke. She’s had nineteen babies and is still smokin. Attractive I mean. Smoking when you’re pregnant is wrong.

Brooke in her third trimester.

Brooke getting a checkup.

Gross. Enough baby talk. Now let’s talk about babes.

Jerry: Gay.

Kenny: Gay.

Len: (silence.)

Please stop. I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality to wear glitter on national TV, but you’re seriously disgusting me right now. Did you just poop?

Dame Edna isn’t answering that question.

Len: OK sorry. Let me make it up to you by showing you how to dance. I’ll clean up and meet you in the rehearsal room.

Alright you know what? I quit. My ass is my property!

WTF? That segment was appalling. And now for a number about magic. Because this show really really needs to be an hour.

Cloris’ thong? Coming up with that old thing’s not magic. She probably threw it at him.

This looks like my living room right now.

That’s nothing. Brooke can do this with a cantaloupe.





Wow. You can scratch your back. Good for you.





That smoke machine sucks. I can see you.

You know what this hour needs? Another Lionel Ritchie song! Dancing on the Ceiling! But not the version you know! This one’s young! And fresh! And NEW!

We’re making the same face right now.





The deaf chick loved it. I smell a comeback!

God, I’m exhausted. Is it time to go home yet?

Yes! I would like to thank the Academy, the producers, the writers, the costumers, the caterers, the dog walkers, the PAs, the maids, my agent, God, and you lovely audience. Thank you so much for this daytime emmy. Wait. What? YOU VOTED ME OFF? FUCK YOU PEOPLE! YOU’RE GONNA PAAAAYYYYY!!!!!

See you next week! xo