Oh Stewardess! I Speak Jive

It was another week of rollicking good fun on Dancing with the Stars. The aspiring dancers had to either tango or jive their way into our hearts, easier said than done for some of them. As usual, Tom Bergeron was up to his randy old ways, and Samantha Harris continued to dazzle all with her awkward interviews. It’s a beautiful thing, this Dancing with the Stars. Okay, okay, maybe it’s not. The bloated episodes are, quite frankly, killing me. This show along with American Idol has caused my TV schedule to be cluttered with entirely too much singing and dancing. Nevertheless, whenever there are B-list celebrities willing to make themselves look like fools on national TV, we always have to take note. So let’s relive the latest musical odyssey that was Dancing with the Stars: Week 3.

Jerry Rice and Stalin

First up was Jerry Rice, who clad in purple, plodded his way through a not-so-special version of the jive. As expected, the judges were unhappy, with resident oak tree Len Goodman saying, “Jerry Rice? It was more like geriatric!” Rimshot! Cut to Len standing at a mic in front of a brick wall:

“Jerry Rice? More like gerrymandering!” Rimshot!
“Jerry Rice? More like jherri curl!” Rimshot!
“Jerry Rice? More like Ben and JERRY’S!” Rimshot!

God, I’d love to see some Len Goodman standup. Anyway, Jerry pulled in an unimpressive score of 19 from the judges (7 from Carrie, 6′s from Len and Bruno), causing a round of boos to descend from the audience. Whatever. He’ll be safe. He’s the fan favorite.

Giselle “Rosarita” Fernandez and Jonathan Roberts

Appearing mysteriously behind an orange shawl or scarf of sorts, Giselle Fernandez seemed ready to steam up the dance floor with her boy-toy (and Rachel Hunter sloppy seconds), Jonathan. But first, we watched a little behind-the-scenes action where we could see just how jacked Giselle really was. Honestly, I think she’s been practicing her tango at BALCO.

Anyway, Giselle and Jonathan (or Gisethan, as I like to call them) took to the parquet and performed quite nicely, I thought, but then again, I’m not ballroom judge. Len gave her solidly okay marks, saying “That was a proper ballroom tango,” but Carrie Ann INABA was more brutal. “In our competition, you’re not supposed to do lifts… We’re not going to penalize you yet because we haven’t actually said it out to everybody,” she said. What sort of after-the-fact rule is this? I call shenanigans.

Bruno, meanwhile, gave the most dependably absurd critique of all, saying to Giselle, “Tonight, you’re turning into Robocop.” Okay, that really makes no sense (but then again, I also never saw “Robocop 7: Paso Doble of Passion”).

Well, after these cranky comments as well as those for Jerry Rice, Tom Bergeron quipped, “I’m guessing that some people missed their catered meal tonight.” Oh Tom. You are just priceless!

And now, the scores please: 7, 8, and 7 for a total of 22. Better than Jerry, but would it be enough?

Before we moved onto our next couple, our hosts taught us a little bit about the dances we were watching. Samantha babbled about the jive while Tom indulged in mild bombast to describe the tango: “The tango is originally a dance between cowboys and LADIES OF THE NIGHT and is laced with TEMPESTUOUS DESIRE! Our couples should demonstrate UNBRIDLED AGGRESSION AND PASSION!” Okay, let’s get Tom a damp towelette.

Oh, and for those of you wondering, Len Goodman actually has a podcast — the sleepiest, most British podcast EVER.

Drew Lachey and Cheryl “Miss Feathered Hair 2006″ Burke

What can be said about Drew and Cheryl that hasn’t been said before? Okay, not much has been said about these two, and for good reason. They’re solid dancers who just happen to be not that interesting. They tried to spice up their backstage training segment by going to a park and throwing around a football, but well, this was hardly the scintillating television we’ve come to expect on Dancing with the Stars.

As expected, the two pulled off a rousing jive, even if it was marred by the distracting sight of Drew’s dumb beret. The judges loved the couple and gave them straight nines for a total of 27 points. However, it should be noted that the LiftGate scandal burned bright as Drew was reprimanded for including a lift in his routine as well. Will the horrors ever cease?

George Hamilton and the senior citizens of Beverly Hills

Up next was that old cad George Hamilton and his equally tantastic partner, Edyta. In an effort to rally up more votes, George headed to the streets of Beverly Hills to connect with the youth of America.

“My name is George Hamilton. Did you know that?” he asked one bored girl.

“No,” she replied. Awwwkward. Luckily, George found love with some old people at the local assisted living facility where he got down and dirrty with a sexy octogenarian. “I have the moves with flavor like butter,” he told us in broken Spanish. Funny, I always thought he should get it on with the Land-O-Lakes girl.

Anyway, George took to the dance floor sporting a needle-mustache and a pantomimed cigarette. Oh, G-Ham. So charming. But maybe that’s not a good thing, at least according to Carrie Ann INABA. “Charm can only take you so far in this competition,” she said after he performed a nice little tango. But judges be damned. George had a plan to make it to next week.

“I think if Master P is gonna, you know, work the ‘hood, I think I’ve got a little problem. He’s actually crossed over into Beverly Hills. It’s gonna be a turf war going on here,” George said backstage while the audience laughed. Samantha Harris then swooped in and asked, “Well, you’ve already targeted the senior citizens of Beverly Hills, who’s next?”

And with that, George offered a plea for Latino votes, launching into a Spanish monologue. Rather than simply laugh it off and move on, Samantha actually registered minor alarm as she said, “No comprende! Can anyone translate for me? What is he saying?” Before her head exploded on camera, Samantha was saved by fellow newswoman Giselle Fernandez who announced, “I can translate. He says, ‘Vote for Giselle and Jonathan.’” Oh, very clever, Giselle! Seriously, I laughed. Samantha meanwhile gave her the “OH YOU! YOU TRICKED ME!” face, thus ending another rousing segment on Dancing with the Stars. Middle America has never had so many classy laughs. Oh, and George’s scores? Two sevens and an eight, resulting in a total of twenty-two. Not bad for a leathery old coot.

Lippy Rinna and Harry Hamlin (a.k.a. Louis Van Amstel)

Next on the roster was the ever-eager Lisa Rinna, the woman who arguably seems to want the first place trophy more than anyone else. Unfortunately, she had yet to blow away the judges, and now the stress was getting to her. You know what that means: a crying soap star! Why, I never! “I knew I was gonna cry sooner or later. I need to release it,” she squeaked in practice.

“I was so happy that I could be there for her,” Louis then told us. C’mon. That’s like me patting myself on the back for passing someone the salt at the dinner table. “It felt so wonderful to be part of something as special as that salt-passing. I really knew that I had touched someone’s heart, and I don’t know, I just will never look at life the same way.”

With her nerves and anxiety flushed out of her system, Lisa was then ready to attack the jive with new, silicon-enhanced passion. “Bring it on! Bring it on!” she yelled, although it wasn’t clear if she was referring to the competition or just more collagen. Anyway, Lisa wowed the judges with her peppy jive, earning her best reviews yet. “You’re in the zone!” Bruno said. “Undoubtedly, your best performance,” Len echoed. Sure enough, Lisa pulled in two eights and a nine for a total of twenty-five points, but even with a solid score, she still pulled out all the stops for audience votes. “You know, I have my girls with me today,” she said — and no, she wasn’t talking about her breasts. I know because she said so. Lisa was referring to her daughters, a picture of whom she kept in her breasts. “I did it for my girls tonight,” she said, clearly pandering to the mommy vote. But just in case we STILL weren’t moved to vote for her, she then pulled the old dead doggy routine.

“What went on this week, you know, unfortunately, we’re having to put our dog to sleep this week,” Lisa said. Okay, stop trying for the pity vote. The sad thing is that Lisa’s dog is probably only a year old. I can just imagine Lisa sending the pooch to the vet, diabolically saying, “Sorry, Buster, but mommy needs a trophy.”

Stacy Keibler and Cro-Magnon Dancer

After last week’s ridiculously high scores, Stacy and Tony had lots to live up to, and if the backstage footage was any indication, it looked like there might not be any repeat success. First, Stacy was having problems keeping her knees bent (dunh dunh dunh!!), and second, Tony was apparently being a major a-hole. This was evidenced by his quiet disapproval and occasional sighs. JERK!

Luckily, Stacy announced she’d be able to take out her aggression via some wrestling moves; although, I’m not sure pantomiming a cartoonish choke really qualifies. Then again…

Anyway, despite all the backstage drama, the two smoldered up the dance floor with a tango that even I got into. I particularly enjoyed Tony’s “angry” face, which consisted of him jutting out his lower jaw and furling his Paleolithic-era eyebrows. As expected, the judges raved over the performance; although, Len said there wasn’t enough emotion. “Don’t look at me like that!” he reprimanded after Stacy shot a nasty, yet ever so pretty, glare his way. Nevertheless, he stood firm, saying she was like a cold fish. Boo! Boo! Rah rah rah! LET’S BREAK SOME SHIT!!! I then threw a chair out of my window and yelled, “LEN GOODMAN IS A DOUCHE!” It was very therapeutic. I felt like Lisa Rinna.

Meanwhile, for all of Len’s harsh words, he still rewarded Stacy with a nine along with the other two judges, tying her with Drew in first place (27 points).

Master P and Ashly Delgrosso

Oh, the fun continued with Master P. From what we could tell, he seemed to be actually moving his feet AND knees this week in practice, and by the way, Lisa? You best be working on your vote pandering. Master P has you beat: “That’s what my life is about,” he announced, “I want to see other people reach their dreams.” Ha, don’t bring your “I’m doing it for my girls” stink around here, Lisa.

Anyway, Ashly then took P to a basketball court to show him how blacktop moves were similar to the jive, but this trip merely wound up as an excuse to watch him dunk the ball. On the plus side, he did pull off a very cool feat by bouncing the ball between his feet and into the hoop. I felt like I was watching Len Berman’s sports highlights of the week!

As for P’s actual dancing, it was better. He certainly was moving, and he sure did have lots of bounce. Unfortunately, Ashly seemed to be doing all the actual jiving, and the judges noticed. Carrie Ann was sympathetic, rewarding him for effort, but Bruno and Len came down hard, with the latter judge seething, “I think it’s time that you and this show parted.” Ouch. Very ouch.

Backstage, Master P explained his plight, first saying that he wasn’t a dancer (yes, we know) and that he just wants to prove to people that you can do anything (yes, yes) and finally adding, “My grandmother’s sister passed, and my auntie going into the hospital… I’m doing it for my grandmother. Smile baby, you’re going to be all right.” Take THAT, Lisa Rinna and your dying dog! Nevertheless, Master P certainly had his work cut out ahead of him as he garnered a six and two fours for a total of, er, fourteen. Well, it was better than week one, right?

Tia Carrere and Maksim

Last up were Tia and Max, whose backstage drama spiked when he stepped on her toe. Okay, so not all these couples have interesting things going on. Needless to say, the two managed to pull off a very sexy tango, causing Bruno to trill his r’s as if his life depended on it (and by the way, I sure would like to meet the person who demands “Trill your r’s or else you will DIE!!!”). “Wow! The ullltimate trrrrrrrrrropical vamp!” Bruno blurted out, possibly taking a dump in his pants at the same time.

Carrie Ann, meanwhile, reported a case of the goosebumps, but Lenny — oh Lenny — he lightly scolded the two for incorporating elements of Argentinean tango. Oh, so naughty! Well, the couple received very high marks — two nines and an eight — placing them in third place with twenty six points total. And just so you know, Tia’s lost over twenty pounds so far. Oh, you didn’t know she was trying to lose weight? That’s odd because she mentions it EVERY FIVE MINUTES. Okay, maybe not that much. And I do like Tia, so all the power to her. And was it only me, or did I notice Maksim lustfully eyeing Tia backstage. Might this be the beginning of an illicit affair?

The Results

After sitting through ninety minutes of tango and jive, we then were treated to a whole other hour of filler the next night on the results show. “We’re gonna hear some stars blowing off a lot of steam in the backstage confessionals,” Tom Bergeron promised. Oooh! Blowing off steam! Let’s get this rage-a-thon started!

“I’ve been criticized, and if anything, I feed off that,” Jerry Rice said softly. The steam! So intense!!

“It makes it so sweet to have it all pay off,” Drew Lachey said. WOW! Blowing off steam like I’ve never seen before!!

Later, George Hamilton asked us, “Isn’t it about the entertainment?” Well, not really. It’s more about waiting for one of you celebs to fall over — something that has yet to happen, I’d like to add.

Anyway, it was time to go to commercial (we had just sat through ten minutes of previous night’s dances… UNEDITED), but before we could get a break, Bergeron noted, “After tonight, the only place you’ll get to see our stars’ performances in their entirety will be on Thursday night’s live show.” Promise???

After the commercial break (featuring a promo for the ever so hip Rolling Stones Superbowl halftime show), we then caught up with Lisa Rinna, who in her backstage confessional said, “I’m not a race horse that comes right out of the gate fast.” No, of course not. You gotta stop and get a boob job first.

As for Master P confessional, surely we’d have some steam. I mean, Len Goodman had just told him to go away. “C’mon now! You only make up fifty percent of what’s going on,” he started. Steam building! “You shouldn’t even say nothing like that.” Steam building more! “But you have your opinion; so I’m not mad. This is America.” Aaaand steam is gone.

Finally, after twenty-five minutes of watching last night’s dancing, it was time to move onto the live show. This meant showing the opening credits a second time. Talk about filler. Next week, it’ll be just forty-five minutes of that kaleidoscope intro (which might not be such a bad thing. It is quite a catchy tune).

Tom Bergeron then happily announced, “For the first time, we had eight fully committed performances.” That was in reference to you, P MILLER.

Well, this live show had lots in store for us. Just ask Samantha Harris! “We’ll have an electrifying display of breakin’ — that’s breakdancing!” she explained to us. I’d love to see Samantha Harris breakdancing. Or eating. Probably eating. Don’t want her to go all Karen Carpenter on us.

To jazz up the first half hour, the producers decided to reveal the first two couples to be safe. And the lucky duos were… Stacy and Tony (shocker!). And… Jerry and Anna! Well, that was expected also. Even though he received the second lowest score, there’s no way that his fans would have let him down.

Later, Samantha talked to more couples backstage, including George Hamilton who said, “P and G want to give a shout out to the ‘hood.” Okay, it was funny the first time, pretty funny the second time, but now the joke is officially dead. At least to us. Samantha, meanwhile, was having a ball (no pun intended). “Can’t control this one!” she remarked. Sometimes I wish an anvil would fall on her head.

Well, while George threw gang signs in the background (and no, I’m not joking), Master P responded to Len Goodman again, saying “I don’t know what his problem is, but I hope he get it together.” Look, Master P has done enough on Len’s turf. Why doesn’t Len take on P’s turf. That’s right: I propose an MC battle. Len vs. P. With gems like “Jerry Rice? That was geriatric!” Len might be a formidable opponent.

Anyway, up next was a paso doble dance off by our professionals. Aaand it was to the Rocky theme song. This meant our dancers whipping around in Fosse-gone-Latino style, and even though the intro was a bit silly, the whole number was actually pretty cool. For the record, Samantha Harris was so blown away by the whole thing, she could barely catch her breath — which was good because it was less time we had to hear her voice.

Now, when I think of ballroom, I think of one thing: breakdancing! Right? Right? Okay, maybe not, but in an effort to attract younger viewers, the producers then had some B-Boys go wild on the dance floor. It was an impressive display, and in case the scene was a bit too “ethnic” for Middle America, the whole dance piece was safely set to the Black Eyed Peas. And just in case the Black Eyed Peas were still too “ethnic,” ABC had the house band perform “Hey Mama.” (And you know the BEPs were just begging to perform it themselves.)

Finally, the results. First safe couple: Tia and Max! Next: Master P and Ashly. Uh oh. With the bottom two couples safe, this only meant one thing: smell ya later, Giselle! Yes, in the end it came down to George vs. Giselle, and we all knew that George’s charm would keep him safe. So with a nauseous look on Jonathan Roberts’ face, he and Giselle were eliminated, but not without a rousing ovation from the audience. I have to say, as much as I enjoy Master P’s “controversial” presence, I did feel bad for Giselle. There’s no reason why P should stay in over someone with potential (and great abs).

Nevertheless, Giselle took the loss in stride, saying, “There are no desperate housewives out there. We can do anything at any age. Anything is possible, I’m proof of it!” Why do people always say these things after they fail. You can do anything!!! EXCEPT WIN.

As the show came to a close, Giselle and Jonathan took to the floor for one last dance while Tom Bergeron revealed that next week’s results show would feature none other than the Pussycat Dolls. Excitement incarnate!

What do you think? Should Giselle have gotten the ax?