Dancing With the Stars; The Breakfast w/o Caffeine Club

Hi y’all. We’re down to a 90 minute show this week! We open with a touching reminder of Aiden and Edyta’s dismissal last week.

Sweet, touching, emotional. However when Aiden gave interviews all week, he whined about the unfairness of it all and complained that the judges were too harsh. Dude, Lord knows you’re cute, and you improved, and you tried hard, and there is one other dancer much worse than you, but you pretty much sucked out there. Back in college we used to hypothesize that rhythm and dance ability related to love-making prowess. All of the women in America right now (and if studies are accurate 9% of the men) are going, “Eh, is that all?” Keep trying hard, babe.

It is MOVIE NIGHT! By the way, I want to remind you that I hate this theme crap. Just do the frickin’ dances. But we are LIIIIIVE!Just in case we missed Tom telling us, and in case we’re blind and can’t read the big shiny sign over her head, Brooke tells us it’s MOVIE NIGHT.

And that is another ugly dress.

Speaking of ugly dresses, whoa.

Niecy and Louis are up first with the Jive to La Bamba. The package shows us that Niecy was pissed off at being called boring by the judges. Now that has a fast song we will get to see her shake her jiggly parts? Louis is worried because Niecy uses too much energy fooling around and doesn’t have anything left for the dance.

Haven’t we seen that dress before?

Indeed, Niecy does shake her boobs magnificently, but her kicks often look like she is trying to get some toilet paper loose off the bottom of her shoe.

All her energy is in her shimmy and not in her feet, so the whole thing looks tired to me. Len said that she finally got her personality into the dance, but there was more bounce in her bazookas than in her feet. Bruno said there was so much going on on the upper deck that it was hard to watch anything else, but that it wasn’t sharp enough. Carrie Ann said she is the shimmy queen, but that she danced too small down below.

Tom sends them back to Brooke’s Bazooka Boutique, ha, another BBB!

BBB: Niecy says she is tired and hungry and once again implores us ‘thick’ girls to vote for her. The judges scores are 6,6,6 and Niecy and Louis don’t look overjoyed.

Next up are Cheryl and Chad with a quickstep from the Jungle Book. OK, isn’t that a little racially insensitive?

Ochocinco gives a shout out to Chris Henry, who for those of you who aren’t football fans, was a teammate of his who died after falling out of a pickup truck in December. After Niecy’s dance dedicated to her dead brother, are we now going to have a dance dedicated to a dead brutha? (Jeez, I have no room to talk about being racially insensitive.)
Cheryl says in the rehearsal package that Chad needs a lot of attention. No.

The dance is to “Bear Necessities” and is pleasant, although the choreography doesn’t seem so complicated. Chad’s posture seems improved, but his feet still aren’t quite right.

Bruno says something about jungle fever and that it was too wild. Carrie Ann says it was uneven and they needed more body contact in the hold, which of course Chad takes in a dirty way. Len says it had energy, the posture was improved, and that it was a pretty good job.

BBB: Brooke tries to make a big deal out of the ‘tension’ in rehearsals, but Chad has none of it, and says that Cheryl just wanted to work hard. 6,6,6 The one thing I like about Chad is that he doesn’t blame the judges, but immediately looks at Cheryl to ask what he needs to do better.

Erin and Maks are up next and there is much drama during rehearsals. Erin interviews that she knows what buttons to push and sure enough after yelling about moves and shoes and even her ex-boyfriend (told you she wasn’t gay) Maks does have a tantrum.

They do seem to be having fun even when they’re fighting. They are doing the jive to C’est La Vie from Pulp Fiction. It starts slow, with Maks reading a menu. Luckily the music speeds up and parts of the dance are great. Erin’s timing is a bit off at times and sometimes she doesn’t seem in control of her legs. I think she is really pretty, but something about her look is not quite right at times.

Even Tom says they are cute when they fight. Carrie Ann liked it, but said she was ahead of the beat. Len enjoyed it after the start, but said it was a bit hectic at times. Bruno said something about Uma magic and that she didn’t go wrong once.

BBB: Brooke asked if all the squabbling was a lover’s quarrel and Erin hilariously says that not until Maks gets her a ring like Chad got Cheryl. Maks walked off! 7,7,8

Jake and Chelsie are dancing to Old Time Rock ‘n Roll from Risky Business. By the way, I was worried when they announced Movie Night because I haven’t seen a movie in like five years, but it turns out the producers haven’t seen one in ten years!

He may be as much of a douchebag as Tom Cruise, though, I’ll give him that.

Their Cha Cha begins with no pants on, like the famous scene.

Would have been cooler if her he hadn’t fumbled putting them on. Like all of Jake’s dances it was energetic, but out of control. Len liked that he gave 100%. Bruno said he was a cheeky bugger and wished he had left his pants off. Carrie Ann liked the dance, the whole ‘package’. Hmm.

BBB: Totally useless stuff. 8,7,8.

Pamela Anderson is doing 9-5. Now why didn’t I see that coming? They’re doing the quickstep and the rehearsal package highlights how exhausting the dance is. The dance starts with Pamela sitting at a desk and seems too slpw throughout.

The music was just too slow, but it was very smooth looking. Bruno loves her characterization, with good dancing. Carrie Ann wants to see Pamela on Broadway. Len couldn’t stand the sitting around.

BBB: More useless stuff, I’m finding it hard to report anything from this backstage crap. Pamela loves Dolly and finds it exciting to learn a new dance every week. Damian gets to hang out with Pamela every week. Yawn. 7,6,8

Next up Kate! Who was summed up perfectly by Whoopi Goldberg on The View this week; “Bitch can’t dance”.
I’m going to go off on a rant here. Kate does have a few supporters (I know, right?) around who say that she is just doing this to support her family. They were paid around $45,000 per EPISODE for FIVE years, plus had many expenses covered. And she wrote books. And they did appearances. For appearance fees. Where the hell is the money? If she doesn’t have enough left from all the money they have made to live comfortably and send those brats to college, then she and Jon should be thrown in jail for embezzlement and mismanagement. So I am sicker of that part of her whining than I am of all the rest of it combined. And why, when she does all the interviews, does nobody ask her?!?!?

They are dancing to “Don’t You Forget About Me” from The Breakfast Club. Tony shows her a move that he says is from the movie. Honestly, I’m with Kate on this one. I saw that movie a lot of times and I don’t remember anything like this:

Halfway through the dance I had to back up to the beginning to find out it was a foxtrot. It is really sloooow. Kate pastes a grimace on her face and ambles through the dance.

Tony drags her around on the floor at the end and thankfully it is over. The judges struggle for nice things to say and comment once again that she has no performing experience. Like we haven’t had non performing reality stars before, including Jake this season. Jake might be an ass, but he is throwing himself into the dances and acting like he cares. Carrie Ann says it was like the Charlie Brown teacher voice, “Waaa waa waaa”, which might be her funniest comment ever. Len says it was a stroll. Bruno really goes off and says that Tony could have had more life with a dress on a coat hanger. Tell us how you really feel Bruno! Ha, Tom says the same thing to him!

BBB: We find out that the brats came to visit and that is where Kate’s energy went. Yeah, right, what was the excuse the other weeks? 5,5,5 Remember they only gave Niecy and Chad sixes. Jeez.

Nicole and Derek are up next. I wonder if her crap about being an ‘artist’ and different from other people will cost her some votes? They are dancing the tango to Pretty Woman and Nicole asks Derek which one of them will be the pretty one. They go to Beverly Hills on a shopping spree to get in the mood. She apparently doesn’t need to practice as much as ‘other people’.
They do a pretty spectacular dance and there are quite a few places that she looks completely professional. The crowd goes wild. Len said it was Nicole’s best dance and the best dance of the season so far. Bruno almost gives Len a heart attack.

And Carrie Ann does something from a movie that is current enough that I missed it.

BBB: They talk about not being so hard on yourself and enjoying it and Brooke rushes them along because it is only a 90 minute show this week. 10,9,10. I really thought we would have a 30 on that one.

Evan and Anna are dancing the Rumba to “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from Armadgeddon. Evan is doing Stars on Ice all week so they are practicing on the road. The dance is very pretty although I didn’t see the connection that they had improved on. I think one reason why Evan is so good is because he is kinda already used to gay poses.

Bruno says his hips are better and it was lyrical and superb. Carrie Ann says there was a tender sophistication. Len says it had artistry, musicality, and fluidity.

BBB: Evan did a rumba step in his skate routine, but has otherwise been able to keep the two separated. 9,9,9.

And another week is wrapped up! Are y’all voting?