I Don’t Think You Can Handle This

Time to issue yet another TVgasm apology. The Dancing with the Stars recap is very late this week because, well, I honestly didn’t watch the show until late last night. Truth is that sometimes you just need a break from all the fancy footwork. It’s one thing to pad the show out to 90 minutes (sometimes two hours) every week, but then with the hour-long results show too — man, that’s more than one human being can handle. And with Master P woefully eliminated, was there really any pressing need to watch this show on time this week? Not really. Plus, Survivor was on. But fear not. I have now slogged through this very Miami Sound Machine week of dancing and am ready to fully report to you, the viewer.

One thing I noticed right off the bat was that this week’s competition would be special. How did I know? Well, the celebs would have to perform two dances, and furthermore, we were only about thirty seconds in before Samantha had her first major flub. And let’s not forget the unsightly gaffe of a cameraman wandering into frame. Chaos was in the air. Would the show deliver?

Stacy & Tony

First up were the dynamic duo of Stacy and Tony. As usual, we were treated to a silly behind-the-scenes looks at training, which culminated in Stacy fretting that she just couldn’t get into character. Hey, I have an idea! Go on a field trip! Sure enough, that’s exactly what they did. The two headed to a Samba club (samba was the dance of the week) and observed as some feathered dancers shook what their momma gave them. I particularly enjoyed one moment when our stars were ogling the dancers right in front of a table of diners who seemed completely oblivious to the entire scene. Those people’s noses were firmly planted in their menus. True, a TV camera, two minor celebs, and a couple of exotic dancers are eye-catching, but they’re nothing compared to the Club Sandwich Special. Grrrowl! That dish comes with fries!!

Anyway, Stacy and Tony took to the stage and began shaking their rumps to the seminal rump-shaking tune of “Bootylicious.” And let’s just say that no, we could not handle that jelly. Once again, Stacy blew away the crowd and judges as she shook, swiveled, vibrated, and undulated her ass in directions I didn’t even think were possible. Old codger Len Goodman was rendered speechless, finally saying, “It was saucy, it was sexy, it was superb.” Ew, Len totally had a boner.

Carrie Ann then honed her inner Paula Abdul and gave Stacy and Tony a standing ovation, later noting, “I think you’re getting better than some of our professional dancers.” Ouch. That’s harsh. I wonder who she meant… Ashly Delgrosso perhaps?

Finally, Bruno piped up with his dependably loud and blustery comments, this time saying, “You are a weapon of mass seduction!” And like trained monkeys, the crowd roared to this very Sex in the City-ish pun. (I can just imagine it: Carrie narrating: “I couldn’t help thinking, have I been on a useless search for a weapon of mass seduction?” Cut to Kim Catrall: “Honey, you don’t need a weapon of mass seduction. You need a weapon of mass erection.” This would then be followed by some camera mugging, then some Miranda eye rolling and Charlotte shock and… cut. We have a fresh new episode! Now send me an Emmy.)

Backstage, Samantha Harris cornered our dancers and noted that Bruno had called them “A weapon of seduction.” Weapon of MASS seduction. Did you not even GET the pun? Classic SamHar.

Anyway, score time. Stacy and Tony burst out of the gate with three tens, leading to an insane perfect score of thirty out of thirty. Well, it’s all downhill from here, folks.

George & Edyta

George was out to change things this week. He wanted fewer gimmicks and more dance steps. And so… he went to the zoo. I don’t know why really. I think there was some vague talk about mimicking animal behavior and whatnot, but we all knew this was a thinly veiled way for the producers to vary up the scenery. Well, the couple returned from a visit to the Los Angeles Zoo, and now they were filled with all sorts of helpful visual cues, like monkeys. “Swing the monkey!” Edyta commanded. I don’t know if it’s official, but I think that could just qualify as the slang term for some sort of pre-masturbation foreplay. Unfortunately, I now have that image joined with George Hamilton, and quite frankly, I’m disgusted with myself and life in general. Someone in my office showed me a video clip of a horse sodomizing a man (I’m not even joking, and yes, it was disgusting), and that seems tame compared to the image of George Hamilton self-pleasuring. Okay, this paragraph gets worse the more I write, so I’ll just move on.

For the big performance, George pretended to be an orchestra conductor, and as the band blared Gloria Estefan’s “Conga,” Edyta emerged and danced away with her partner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s see what the judges have to say.

“Well, George, you’re such crafty shifter,” Bruno said. That’s not good enough. Give us something more forced!

“Your performances are like a fruit cocktail!” Bruno then added. Very nice. Go on.

“You throw everything into it, and somehow, you never fail to charm,” Bruno said. Are fruit cocktails known for their charming ability? Okay, I’m just nitpicking.

“You are Carmen Miranda. You are Desi Arnez. A little bit of John Travolta too,” Bruno finally concluded. Is it me, or does he always list random celebrities when it comes to George Hamilton?

Anyway, George received straight eights for a grand total of twenty-four points. He then told Samantha Harris that he doesn’t need props, but just after he said that… he ATE A BANANA!!! HILARIOUS! Oh, goodness gracious. Nearly choked on a Dorito with that one. Amazingly, Samantha then said, “Obviously, the zoo had a big influence on you in the monkey cage.” Yes, thank for the spelling that out for us, Sammy. You must have realized that we’re absolute IDIOTS.

Lisa & Louis

As usual, Lisa was on her undying quest to topple her competition, but this week, she was a little stressed and tired. “You see me at the end of the one dance,” she said, “I am huffing and puffing and can barely breath.” Well, was that due to exhaustion or just another one of those allergic reactions to Collagen? Anyway, she and Louis headed to the beach to run around and refuel, and then it was showtime! The two danced to “Le Freak!” by Chic, and while I thought it seemed pretty good, Carrie Ann Inaba was not a fan. She felt the samba was missing, causing the audience to boo and Bruno to yell, “NO NO NO NO NO!!”

You see, Bruno loved the performance, raving, “You were gorgeous, luscious, wonderful!” And then, THEN he said, “Don’t worry what the ___ says!” I wish I could fill in the blank, but I couldn’t. Carrie Ann then said, “He called me a ____!” but again, I was unable to effectively read her lips. What did she say? Does anyone know??

Well, Len sided with Bruno on this one, and Lisa received a seven (Carrie Ann) and two nines for a total score of twenty-five. Backstage, Louis then sassed off to Carrie Ann, doing one of those “If a Volta and blah blah and a blah blah and a blah blah aren’t samba, THEN I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS!” Unfortunately, he was interrupted about twelve times, severely diminishing the impact of his dis. Oh well, just be happy with your score and be on with it.

Tia & Maksim

Up next were Tia and Maksim, and oh, what crazy activity would they have in store for us? So far, we’ve been to a nightclub, a zoo, and the beach. So for Tia, her big thing was… a broom. Oh.

Yes, Max gave her a broom to help her with her stance. Kind of budget, huh? I guess after their transcontinental trip to New York, their “wacky activity” budget was nearly depleted.

Anyway, their samba started off oddly with Tia taking the stage alone, slowly shaking her hips. What seemed like ten minutes later, Max finally joined her, and then two began dancing in earnest. But it may have been too late. The judges all hated the intro, with Len remarking, “I wanted to be taken to Brazil, but it was more like Baltimore!” Other acceptable answers:

“I wanted to be taken to Brazil, but it was more like Bulgaria.”
“I wanted to be taken to Brazil, but it was more like Beaver Creek.”
“I wanted to be taken to Brazil, but it was more like Boise.”

and, of course…

“I wanted to be taken to Brazil, but it was more like Barstow.”

Anyway, Tia and Max received low scores: two sevens and an eight for a total of twenty-two. Anti-schwing on that.

Jerry & Anna

Fan favorite Jerry Rice was up next, and since he was having trouble with the Samba hip motion, he brought his daughter Jada to rehearsal to get some tips. Translation: vote for me, non-football fans! I have an adorable daughter!

Well, whatever encouragement Jada gave worked because Jerry did a pretty solid job out on the dance floor, earning him chants of “Jer-ry! Jer-ry!” from the crowd. As for the judges, they were pleased by the performance, but not blown away. Bruno uncharacteristically did not have a hernia while talking, and Len said that he didn’t expect it to be very good, but it was. Carrie Ann, meanwhile, feared that Jerry was a bit too self-conscious in his dancing, once again attracting all the boo-birds in the audience.

“Just admit, you like him, c’mon!” shouted Anna. Hmmm… An Anna/Carrie Ann catfight? I like it!

Jerry eventually received the not-great score of twenty-three (seven, eight, eight), and when Samantha asked Anna what they would do to improve, the dancer replied, “I think we’re going to have a private session with George.” Huh? I hope that’s not as gross as it sounds.

Drew & Cheryl

Last but not least (and actually, not really last either) were Drew and Cheryl. For their little activity, Drew invited Cheryl over for dinner with his friends, and man, she could not have looked more uncomfortable and bitchy. First of all, she didn’t take off her coat the entire meal. And second of all, Nick Lachey was nowhere to be found. Okay, that didn’t have to do with Cheryl, but still, I was concerned that we weren’t getting the proper amount of Lachey bang for our buck.

Well, Nick may have skipped out on Drew’s dinner party, but he was present and cheering for the show, which had Drew and Cheryl dancing to Christina Aguilera’s seminal ode to all things slutty: “Dirrty.” The two performed excellently, as always, and for shits and giggles, they even included a gimmicky move where Cheryl pulled off Drew’s sleeves. Oh, how very dirrty indeed!

Anyway, the crowd ate it all up, including big bro Nick, but when wicked witch of the ballroom Carrie Ann said that Drew needed to be wary of his tense shoulders, everyone immediately booed her. Honestly, it had gotten to the point where she could have coughed and people would have chucked garbage at her.

Luckily, Len backed her up, and Bruno then added, “You’re as reliable as Tom Cruise’s box office.” There should be a joke there, and it pains me that I can’t think of it. What can I say? I’m tired.

Anyway, Drew pulled in straight nines for a second-place total of twenty-seven. And if you thought we were done, oh no. There’s more.

Group Salsa, Ay ay ay!

This week, the couples all had to participate in one large group salsa — and oh yeah, they only had one day to practice. Uh oh. This was gonna be crazy! Sort of. There were some interesting moments: Lisa did a weird(er) thing with her lips. Cheryl gave Drew a bloody nose by accident. And Maksim and Anna bickered with each other on the dance floor. No surprise there. They probably had sex afterwards.

Anyway, the couples all took to the dance floor where Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine (featuring the unparalleled talents of Jon Secada) made a second musical appearance with “The Rhythm’s Gonna Get You.” As for the salsa, it was cool, I guess. I kind of wanted to fast forward all the way through it. Okay, I’ll admit, I did fast forward through it. Hey, this show was getting long. I only have so many hours in the day.

At the end, the judges gave a few critiques. Len called Stacy’s legs “Stiff as pokers,” causing Bruno to reply in a lilting voice “Stiff as poookers???” He then added, “He’s having a turd.” At least, that’s what I think he said. I don’t know. This was a crazy episode. Anything goes on Dancing with the Stars! Whoooo!

Results

Well, I fast forwarded through most of this show too. I mean, I could sit and tell you all about Barry Manilow and his faltering voice, but hey, what could I really add that hasn’t been said before? There were a few amusing moments in this hour, like when Tom Bergeron dissed Drew’s tiny penis (Drew said that next week he’d be wearing nothing but a rubber band and a peanut shell, to which Tom noted that a peanut shell wouldn’t get the job done for most men. Advantage: BERGERON) — but let’s just get right down to business. The couple going home this week: no surprise here, Tia and Max. Aww, sorry guys. It doesn’t matter anyway. It’s gonna be Drew vs. Stacy in the end anyway. It’s just a waiting game now.

What did you think? And who do you think will fare the best tonight? How about the worst?