Let Me See Your Samba Roll

OK, so I have to apologize for not bringing you any news from Dancing with the Stars for the last week, but I was so crestfallen after watching Evander Holyfield get eliminated, I lost faith in humanity. The former heavyweight champion of the world did the jive in an orange shirt and black pants with absolutely no hint of natural fiber. Not only that, he looked like he enjoyed it the whole time, with his facial expressions more “happy ending massage” and less “bite my ears off Tyson fight.” And America VOTED HIM OUT. I am starting to get annoyed with our sudden penchant for admiring the efforts of C-list talent instead of trying to embarrass themselves deeper into anonymity. This week, everybody is doing the same dance, so we have a real chance to compare everybody head to head.One thing I like about the show recently is how they take just a few moments at the top of the show to let us know what we should be looking for in each of the dances. Sure, you could find this information on their website, but what is the fun in that if you already have your fat ass in front of the television? Another thing I like is the absolutely planned jokes delivered by Bergeron in his dry, rush-delivery style in a desperate attempt at a few laughs before the judges speak.

One thing I don’t like about the competition is the judging. Obviously I am not an expert, but over the last couple of weeks, we have had some pretty arbitrary scoring on the part of the judges. A criticism about one team may seemingly apply to another one, but rarely ever happens. And what about the internet voting? We use the judges’ score from the current week’s performance, but we use the audience reactions to the previous week’s performance, giving us this odd sort of two week running average, but averaging two completely different sets of scoring data. Could you imagine if they scored any other competition in this way?

Whatever. This week’s dance for the couples was the samba. You think samba, you think Rio, lots of hips and, new to me, the samba roll. Yes, there is actually a samba roll, and it’s not on the menu of your local sushi restaurant (if it is, mail me what’s on that combination). Therefore, I decided that the Samba roll will be an avocado and eel roll topped with various fish (like a rainbow roll), covered in ponzu sauce (because I could bathe in that stuff everyday); but that’s just me. Maybe some of you have a better idea. [Reader KF alerts me to SushiSamba, which features not one, but four samba rolls on the menu. Interesting choices as well.] The other dance they were to perform was the Viennese Waltz, which required all the couples to be on the floor at the same time, and was the most difficult dance to perform from an endurance standpoint.

First up are Joey and Ashly. They have been training hard, but Joey is having a difficult time, so why not take a trip back home and relax? Well, first of all, your home is in Boston, which means you are going to lose two days of training for travel. Second of all, your family sucks and we hate your stupid accent that you pulled out just so people don’t confuse you with being from Pasadena.

On the dance floor, Joey and Ashly would seem to have one of the better chances in the competition. Being so young, you would think they could be much more daring, and since Joey has already pulled off choreography almost as difficult during his boy band days, you think he would be as natural as any on the floor. So how is it that they continuously manage to show the least amount of chemistry each and every week? Ashly has some nice hips that were so very much in motion, and Joey did have a nice move where he pretended to play the bongos on her backside. Smack your bitch up Joey, sometimes it’s good for both of you.

Without that shared charisma, the judges tend to pay attention to other details like footwork. This proved true this week, as Joey was panned for his lack of smooth motion on the floor. Also, what is the deal with his outfits? Is there something in his contract that forbids him from making a mockery of himself with ruffles or even primary colors? Every single time he is on stage, it looks like he is coming from the set of “Zorro! The Musical.”

Next up were Rachel and Jonathan. Although I constantly make fun of Rachel about her weight, these two have turned into one of my favorite couples. She wants it so bad, and despite the age (and let us be honest, the size) difference, they have great chemistry. They do their dance to the theme of Austin Powers, and they open with Rachel doing a handstand and Jonathan spreading her legs. This sort of move is necessary to get some sort of rise out of people, because Jonathan just isn’t able to spin and toss Rachel around like a rag doll during the routine. Personally, I thought the routine was boring with not so much hip action, and none of the party feel that Joey and Ashly had, but the judges absolutely loved it and rewarded them with a 25, including a 9 from both Len and Bruno.

Least erotic sexually suggestive samba move…EVER

Third to go was John and Charlotte, easily my favorite remaining couple. These two epitomize the over-the-top antics that I am looking for in this competition, and John is losing weight to boot (chances of a celebrity workout video tie-in are about 70% right now). I could honestly watch his facial expressions all day, or at least I would be able to if Charlotte wasn’t so distracting. It is either disturbing or magnificent to watch her dance with her head pointed to one side at such a very extreme angle. Did she somehow lose C-2 and C-3 during some freak wakeboard accident? Do you think she just watches her dog stick its head out of her car window in order to get an idea of what it all involves?

The dance started out like it was going to be boring, but quickly heated up as John got closer to his partner, and they got to get together to make all of the wonderful faces we love so much. Problem is, the judges didn’t like a lot of John’s footwork, and the two of them had their lowest score since the opening week.

Rounding out this week was Alec and Kelly. After seeming like another whiny Hollywood diva who has way too much influence in relation to her talent, she has really stepped it up in her training and looks like she wants to do much better. She has been criticized for being too plodding and less graceful, so she even went so far as to hire a ballerina to help her be light on her feet. Kelly is tiny, at 5’1″ and probably no more than 110 lbs, but this ballerina seemed to have four inches on her, while managing to be about 15 lbs lighter. Thank God she had that leotard on, because I would have vomited at the sight of her ribs sticking out all over the place.

So, did the ballerina help? I would have to say yes, because Kelly and Alec had a truly exciting routine, despite a wardrobe malfunction. Yes, you could say that Alec had a wardrobe malfunction even walking on to the stage in that Brian Boitano meets the Green Lantern (when is that movie coming out?) getup, but that’s not what I am talking about. Kelly and Alec love being daring, so they always try to pull off some crazy moves. Since she also wears the skimpiest outfits, it makes for some interesting moments, including tonight, when the strap of her one-shoulder top burst during the middle of a split type move, made even more embarrassing by the fact that I took a screenshot of her during the moment, which also happened to be the time she was flashing the largest proportion of Americans than any other show this week (ie, the show is still tops in ratings).

Julie Chen will have to work hard to beat this camel toe

With her little mishap, Kelly soon became very conscious that her boob may come flying out. This sort of nudity is unacceptable, as it would take away any suspense from the soft core porn/amateur wedding night video she is planning to release in 5 or 6 years to create some buzz in her career when it takes its inevitable plunge into doing signings at comic book conventions (where she would dress up as Wonder Woman) or as a Westminster Kennel Club sideline reporter. With all of the hip action and spins she was performing during the routine, she either had to be very careful or let America know whether she has tan lines or not (my guess, she’s tan line free). Kelly was great, using one of her arms to cover herself just in case, yet still was able to pull off the timing and the footwork great. The judges rewarded her and Alec with a 26, the highest score of the week. They also said she was the most-improved contestant, which seemed to make her even more happy.

After the last of the sambas, everybody got together to do a little Viennese Waltz. I would like to say that it was exciting, but it really was not. I was happy watching John O’Hurley, and he had a great pick up and spin of Charlotte, but there was not much else. The point of this was to have everybody on the floor at the same time, but nobody ran into each other, so that was anticlimactic. I was also bothered by the fact that there were four teams starting the evening, but the numbers on the backs of the men went to number 5. Is 3 an unlucky dance number or something? What’s the deal?

Up you go!

When it came time for the voting, Rachel and Jonathan and John and Charlotte were left for elimination. Things are getting much more difficult now that the two most obviously poor performing teams are gone. Each of the remaining teams has their own style and their owns strengths and weaknesses. I was sort of surprised to see Rachel up there, especially considering she did so well with the judges, but the internet can be fickle, and not only did it drop her into the bottom half of the draw, it dropped her out of the competition.

When her name was called to leave, Rachel was distraught. She was working very hard, as have all the celebrities, but she really wanted it bad. She held back the tears, gave all the judges a hug and kiss, and danced for perhaps the last time with Jonathan.

So, we weren’t able to save Evander, but it is imperative that we keep John O’Hurley in the game, folks. Joey is too bland, and Kelly has taken a sort of robotic approach to her dancing, cutting down on her mistakes, but making it look like she is dancing with half the working joints that she should have. Should be interesting, as I think they do the Fox Trot and Paso Doble next week. Who do you think should have been eliminated? Who are you hoping goes home next week?