Recap: Dancing with the Stars: We Have Our Finalists!

It’s the results show of Dancing with the Stars! After last night’s insane three-way tie, it’s been hard to predict who’s going home. Emmitt seems to have the popular vote, making him a near lock for the finals. Mario is also wildly popular with the women and is probably the best dancer of the bunch, but then again, he has an arrogant streak that’s exacerbated by what many deem to be insincere modesty. Might that be his downfall? And then there’s Joey — he’s not as popular as Emmitt or as skilled as Mario, but he does have a goofy charm. Maybe he’ll somehow sneak in. I guess we’ll just have to watch to find out. To the results show!As usual, the results show begins with a recap of the previous night’s performances. Everything last night was excellent; however, I’m content to let it remain in my memories. Fast forward!

(If any of the dancers said anything of note during the backstage confessionals, please mention in the comments section!)

After the break, Tom reveals that the latest Bond girl from Casino Royale is sitting in the audience, and what better way to celebrate her presence than by having some of the professional dancers perform an ode to Bond? In a nifty number that sees the return of former members Jonathan Roberts and Anna Trebunskiya (I’ll check that spelling later), the guys all dress up like James Bond and dance around with their “Bond women” to the age-old Bond theme song. They then apply Gold Bond medicated powder, buy some jail bonds, and then discuss Barry Bonds for the remainder of the show.

We then head backstage for a Samantha Harris chit chat with the semi-finalists. As you might expect, Joey’s got the bobblehead going at insane full force. Emmitt says that his fellow competitors all have the sort of heart that could take them to the football field, causing Samantha to authoritatively say, “You’re a very classy man.” AND SO IT HAS BEEN DECREED BY SAMANTHA HARRIS! EMMITT SMITH IS CLASSY!

Now it’s time for the audience predictions on who will be going home. One woman dressed in what appears to be my grandma’s old tablecloth says, “Any man that can smile like that and make your panties fall off, he deserves to be going forward!” Man, I hate when my panties fall off! Unless it’s for Emmitt (swooon!).

Jesse Spano, a.k.a. Elizabeth Berkley tells us that Mario is magical on the dancefloor. This only begs one question: will Mayim Bialik be present to endorse Joey? Fingers crossed!

In the meantime, I think you all should be happy to know that the President of Zambia was impressed by all the dancers. I’m sure in his head he was thinking, “I come to America, and this is the shit I have to deal with? Ballroom dancing? FEH!”

Finally, a portly woman tells us, “Anyone who goes home can go home with me!” She then adds, “SO I CAN TURN YOU INTO A BOUILLABAISSE AND EAT YOU!”

We then check in with Lisa Rinna, Joey McIntyre, Willa Ford, and Harry Hamlin who are practicing for the Dancing with the Stars tour. Hey, where’s Master P? Ultimately, Lisa Rinna tells us that the jive she’s about to perform might knock America’s socks off. “It just might! It just might!” she reiterates. Yes, but whither the panties? If mine don’t drop, this jive is bunk!

Anyway, the celebs and their partners hit the stage and jive to “Footloose.” It’s pleasant, but my socks are hardly knocked off. Thanks for the false advertising, LISA.

Afterwards, it’s time to check in on Tysonia, the viewer who’s been training all season long for one big dance. I’ve never watched her segments much, and I don’t plan to start now. Fast forward!

Okay, I gotta admit. I haven’t fast forwarded. I can’t help but watch Tysonia’s rhumba debut! And good news for her: she earned second place at a competition. It’s a Tysonia Miracle!

We then go to commercial again, and when we return, Dancing with the Stars finally embraces its gay following with a performance by none other than… The Pet Shop Boys. I’m fearful that they’ll sing some crappy new song, but instead they perform one of my favorite ’80s songs: “West End Girls” (and it’s accompanied by two energetic breakdancers, which is always welcomed). Amazingly, even though the lead singer is like 50 years old, he sounds exactly the same. Plus, there’s a funky woman in a strange visor singing backup. She’s sort of like the second coming of Grace Jones.

All this Pet Shop Boys stuff is cool and all, but even more exciting is who we see in the audience during the standing ovation: none other than Amazing Race 5 winners Chip and Kim! A night of a thousand stars!

We then go to a dumb video segment featuring Tony Potts of Access Hollywood talking about why Dancing with the Stars is so wonderful. As excited as I am to hear his opinions — as well as those of Rachel Ray and Tanika Ray (no relation) — I somehow can’t resist the urge to fast forward. I do stop when I see that poor Jimmy Kimmel has been drawn into this mess, as if he ever really cared about ballroom dancing. We could practically see the ABC executive off screen aiming a gun at his head.

After this interminable segment ends, we go to commercial, and when we return, we then see another video segment, this time with the three remaining stars talking about each other. Fascinating. I think it’s time to just fast forward to the results…

Okay, time to find out who’s the first finalist. That person is…

UGH! COMMERCIAL BREAK. Way to Seacrest us, Bergeron!

Anyhoo, a quick fast forward later and we’re back to the results. Tom says that “in three seasons, this is the hardest goodbye we’re going to have to say.” Samantha then adds, “I plan to stammer my way through the entire thing!”

Okay, she doesn’t say that. She only lets out a “Here, here.” And now. Finally. Results. Our first finalist is…

Mario and Karina! Of course. How could they not be? This means bad news for Joey. I think. Right? He looks crazy nervous. Mr. Clean knows it’s time to go. Or is it?

The person going home tonight is…

Joey and Edyta. As predicted. He better give a “Whoa” for all us at home.

Anyway, Joey descends from the dais of dancers to say some parting words to Tom. Honestly, he looks like he’s about to cry, and there’s nothing quite as fun as man-tears on live TV. Cry! Cry! Cry!

Alas, his cheery bobblehead replaces whatever sadness was in his eyes. My dreams of man-tears evaporate in an instant, but when the video montage of Joey’s greatest moments starts, my hope is reborn anew. Tears? Tears? Even the producers are seemingly begging for tears as the cameras zoom in ultra close to his face. C’mon, Joey. Give us a sparkle. Some mist. Just flick some water on your face, dammit! We’ll be happy with that!

And so the semi-finals come to a close at long last. Joey and Edyta are done, leaving Mario and Karina and Emmitt and Cheryl (the reigning winner, no less) to duke it out next week. Who do you think will win? Should Joey have gone home tonight?