Dancing with the Stars: Steve Guttenberg Lives!

****Note from the Editor: Ladies and gents, please welcome your newest recapper to the family. bBitz!!

Ladies and Gentlemen… it’s Dancing with the Stars! Season 6!! What?! Craziness! And this season looks to be like the best yet. With a line up of hot dancers and tragic celebs hurling their bodies in front of an ever-growing national audience?! How could it not be?!? Of course, there’s no peg-legged drama-hound this year – BUT there is a sweet deaf girl – so props to ABC on their fantastic casting yet again.

The show opens with the line “last year was unprecedented drama” and immediately shows a clip of Marie Osmond biting it. GOD that was good TV. I’m so glad Tom Bergeron slipped that roofie in her diet tea. Crime pays.

Tom (good ol’ Tommy is back in action – you know he’s never letting go of this gig) warns us that they’ve assembled a cast like no other – cue a shot of Steve Guttenberg in a top hat and tux. Like no other what Tom? Like no other B movie starring Michael Winslow? Check and check.

The cast looks fantastically tragic and I couldn’t be more excited! More on that in a bit – first we have the professional dancers in an opening number! They storm the stage and in a mess of tan skin, overly groomed eyebrows and sassiness! And the women look great too! Seriously – are there any dancers left in Vegas?! I feel like the whole cast from that Pirate show is here on stage. Apparently not everything “stays in Vegas”. Except in this case, girls with real breasts. Wait. They have those in Vegas, right?

The pro’s dance to “Let Me Entertain You” and I have to admit – I am entertained. They hurl themselves around the stage like exuberant little kids with rockin’ bods just begging for Daddy’s attention. It’s really too bad their talent is about to be shat all over by B and C list celebs. But they’d still be back doing Pirate show if it wasn’t for them.

Mark Ballas and Derek Hough have a hot little duo part in the number. Good to see them back. When the girls dance back on they both look at them like “Why do girls ruin EVERYTHING?!”

The number closes with an atrocious camera shot from above (really mr. producer?!? Come on! It looks like you strapped my Dad’s camcorder from 1985 to the ceiling to catch that shot!) and the pro’s finish – crowd goes wild – standing O’ – including some freaky looking lady wearing sunglasses inside a dark theatre. Unless your Bob Dylan or Betty Ford that is just not cool.

Watch out behind you!

Tom and Samantha (yeah – she’s back too – ick – where’s Drew?!?) introduce our contestants for this year. Samantha mentions “this year we have our youngest competitor and our not-so-youngest woman”. I wait for Priscilla Presley to march out and gut the bitch right there… but nothing. Damn.

And here they are (celebs listed first)!

Penn Jillette and Kym Johnson!

Jason Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska!

Cristian de la Fuente and Cheryl Burke!

Adam Carolla and Julianne Hough!

Mario and Karina Smirnoff!

Steve Guttenberg and Anna Trebunskaya!

Shannon Elizabeth and Derek Hough!

Monica Seles and Jonathon Roberts!

Marisa Jaret Winokur and Tony Dovolani!

Priscilla Presley and Louis van Amstel!

Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas!

Marlee Matlin and Fabian Sanchez!

I hope you enjoyed all of those last names cause it’s the last time you’ll see them written here for the rest of the season! The close up of the stars as they pan by is hysterical. Cristian’s teeth are so white they look completely fake and he’s staring at the camera like “Holy shit I’ve made it! I got out of South America alive!” Steve Guttenberg mouths “Hi Mom” to the camera. Good job Steve. Keep that fan club alive. Marisa “AKA Tracey Turnblad” now looks like Marisa “AKA Chubbier version of the Greek chick from ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’”. Priscilla refuses to look straight on at the camera. I have a feeling if she does her nose completely disappears. And then there’s Marlee who’s giving the “I Love You” sign with both hands. Alright Marlee – we get it – you’re deaf. Let’s not get pushy. You don’t see Priscilla waiving her AARP card around.

Tonight’s the night for the men to dance and we find out that there’s no elimination this week so everyone can dance together again next Monday.

First up is Penn Jillette – world famous magician. He’s our “Jerry Springer” this time around. He’s dancing with Kym. She shows up to his place and immediately describes him as “huge”, “enormous” and a “giant”. Luckily her breasts will dwarf his size immediately. He makes a joke about eating her. She craps herself (I’m sure of it) and the room fills with the smell of fear.

You must be this tall to ride.

Penn and Kym begin to dance the Cha Cha Cha. Penn begins by throwing her leg back so hard I’m waiting to hear “POP!! RIP!! TEAR!!” followed by a shot of her leg flying into the audience. Ok – if that was Heather Mills it TOTALLY would’ve happened. Penn does a penguin dive under her and across the floor. Pretty snazzy for a fat ass. I have to admit – he’s really playing his awkwardness to his advantage. He does a few John Travolta moves, Kim throws her chest around to take attention off his feet and they finish with him pulling magic flowers out of thin air. I would’ve preferred pulling talent out of his ass instead.

For me?! Wait – is that a garnish!? HELP!!!

Len Goodman, our resident Pro Judge likes that they had fun but nails him for his clumsy feet. Bruno Tonioli compares Penn to Shrek – at least that’s what I think he said – shouldn’t this guy have sub-titles when he talks? There’s a shot of Teller in the audience – and he’s laughing!!! Does that count as talking?! OMG. I totally just busted him. Penn dares Bruno to try and learn a card trick in 4 weeks. Apparently he thinks “pick a card – any card” is just as difficult as learning an intricately choreographed dance. Where do you get off, Fat David Blaine?! Carrie calls him out on almost ripping Kym’s leg off! Of course the girl judge is the only one who noticed he almost crippled his partner! The judges give them crap scores – 16 out of 30. And 14 of those points were really for Kym’s chest alone.

Seriously.

Up next, Jason Taylor from the Miami Dolphins. He’s tall, hot and black – so Penn’s fucked. Edyta meets him for the first time and they both immediately want to bone. He does the whole “This is really hard for me cause I’m such a macho man.” Oy. Do we really have to go through this every year? You know he’s gonna be prancing around the stage in like .2 seconds and loving it. You might as well make it worth it Jason – so when you get the snot beaten out of you back in the Miami locker rooms you won’t cry “Why?!”

“Macho Macho Man! He’s got to be… a Macho Man!”

Jason and Edyta begin to dance the Fox Trot! Jason’s floating across the ball room in no time at all! And he’s singing along to the song! OMG! What a mo! Love it! He’s graceful and fantastic. Pack your bags Penn. They finish and Tom jokes with Jason that his dance is already on You Tube. Ummm… or national TV but whatever. The judges love him. Len looks at him and says “You are a good looking guy!!” That seals the deal on the locker room beating. Carries loves it – she wants a piece – and Bruno tells him to work on the romance with his partner. Wow. They called him a pretty dancer and then questioned his romantic abilities – Edyta is going to be thrown around next week like a 2 dollah ho. Scores are pretty good – 22 out of 30.

Next up, Cristian de la Fuente – “International Movie Star”. It’s kind of sad that the only time you hear “international” in front of “movie star” is when someone’s trying to justify a career of telenovelas as “movie stardom”. He’s from Chile. And he’s the type of Chilean that will remind us of that every five friggin’ seconds. He was also in the Chilean Air Force. He says he wanted to do the show to “bring romance back to dancing”. Great – it’s the macho-Latin version of Justin Timberlake here to save us. Meanwhile, Cheryl reminds us that she’s won two seasons so far and plans on making it 3. Your partner is a toothy Marc Anthony sweetheart – don’t get ahead of yourself.

“Ewww… it smells like sea bass and bad actor in here!”

Cheryl asks Cristian if he ever dances – his response “Not professionally, just as a tool of seduction.” OH KEEEE-RIST! Here comes the machismo – watch out below! BOOOSH! Suddenly everything is drenched in sangria, cheap cologne and testosterone. He’s worried that being the only Latino on the show means everyone will automatically think he’s a good dancer. Actually I think everyone is more apt to think you should be clearing their table after dinner a little faster – but that’s just me. He continues to bounce around the dance studio during rehearsal and you can see Cheryl get that “Oh for shit sake, where’s the Ritalin?” look on her face.

“Mommy says I have to be really careful while dancing! I fall down go boom!”

Cristian and Cheryl dance the Cha Cha Cha. He can actually dance with some rhythm – however he’s most concerned with getting applause from the audience. Crap. He’s pretty good actually. We’ll NEVER hear the end of this from him. We’re off to the judges and Carrie is juicing herself over Cristian. Bruno tells him he looks like he’s riding a bike and to put his shoulders back while dancing. Bruno then comments that “You’re a sexy guy – she (Cheryl) bangs – you have to bang as hard as she does!” OMG. He totally just made a Ricky Martin reference to the only Latino guy – coincidence?! Something tells me Cristian’s going to misinterpret this and our dear Cheryl is gonna be walking funny next week. Len nails him for hunched shoulders too. The scores come in and there’s 7′s across the board.

Tom introduces last year’s winner, Helio Castroneves. Still cute – still with the gaps in the teeth. You’d think a Dancing with the Stars trophy could’ve bought some braces.

Next in line – Adam Carolla. Our resident “funny man”. He’d better be funny with a face like that. He’s self-deprecating already. Well – it’s better than listening to Cristian brag about being Chilean. Julianne tries to get him to concentrate on his dancing as much as his talking. GOOD LUCK!!! Did you ever see him with Dr. Drew?!? A friggin’ doctor couldn’t get a word in edgewise!!!

Adam and Julianne dance the foxtrot. And by that I mean FUCKING MURDER IT. Ironically it’s to “Mellow Yellow”. I say ironically because it’s as if they pissed al over the sport of dancing. Adam has the grace of a drunk Dad dancing with the bride’s hot friends at a wedding. And he has a smirk of “this is never gonna work” the whole time. Julianne must be thinking, “You fucker! I was a winner last year! A contender!!!”

“I want to suck your… talent!”

The judges of course hate it. Bruno calls him Will Ferrel – which is totally unfair… to Will Ferrell. The judges give them 5′s across the board. Adam does this thing where he starts yucking it up right before he says something “funny”. I’m guessing it’s the equivalent of sex with Cristian, “Oh my God! I’m gonna be so good! So good! So amazing!!!” 8 seconds later… “AHHhhhhh…” Super.

We move on to the youngest contestant in the show – Mario. UGH! Sometimes I LOATHE it when people go by one name. Some can do it. Madonna – classic. Pink – cool. Jewel – pushing it. But Mario?!? Dude, unless you’re plumbing or beating a Koopa Troopa on a Nintendo game – get a last name. Mario says he’s the torch carrier for his generation (being the youngest). I think he might be going a little far – but then again Priscilla is carrying her torch in a wheel chair with an IV hook-up so all is fair.

I think this is BS. Mario clearly has dance experience. He says it means nothing since he hasn’t been “trained” – he’s only been “taught” dance moves for his videos and concerts. OH. I SEE THE DIFFERENCE NOW. It’s ok though – God sees this situation as unfair so he smites Karina’s neck. She has to miss rehearsals to have a neck operation and Mario is left practicing by himself. She then reappears wearing a neck brace and a smile. What a gal. A stupid one who values winning over her health. But what a gal!

“I get an E for Effort… and Extreme Brain Damage!”

Mario and Karina dance the Cha Cha Cha. Karina has so much tanner on she’s actually darker than Mario. I keep waiting for her neck to snap but I (as I’m sure are the producers) am let down. They dance well – Mario likes to spin a lot. A LOT. Carrie says “Dang – you can dance!” Yeah – that’s the problem – HE COULD ALREADY DANCE. Bruno calls Karina out for cornering the market on “Hot Marios”. Oh how I’d love to see Karina burst into tears at the mention of Mario “Baby I Love You Of Course I’ll Call You Tomorrow” Lopez. But she stays strong. The judges come back with 8′s across the board. Mario’s thrilled. I’m less than.

Our last contestant for the evening is Steve Guttenberg. Tom makes a point of mentioning how Steve’s been in several movies that have grossed over $100 million dollars. He fails to mention it’s because of their VHS rentals since 1984. Anna starts teaching Steve and comments that he’s great student. She then goes on to berate him and comment that he “gets less horrible everyday”. It’s the reviews for “Cocoon” all over again Steve!

Steve and Anna dance the Fox Trot. Steve can’t even walk down a flight of stairs at the same pace as Anna – off to a stellar start, Steve-o! Apparently Steve went to the same class as Adam – “How to Make a Stupid Fucking Face So No One Watches my Feet”.

“Bitch – did you just confuse me with Billy Crystal again?!”

Out of nowhere Steve does a little hop, skip and jump. Then he walks around for 2 minutes. Does a little bit towards the judges (Panderer!!) and finishes.

Bruno tells Steve he reminds him of Billy Ray. Ouch. FYI Steve – Billy Ray didn’t win in the end. Len remarks that Steve is the first one of the evening that looks like he’s enjoying himself! WELL DUH!!! The poor man’s been in a closet for 20 years and he’s back in the spotlight! There IS life after “Police Academy 12″!

The judges give them 6′s across the board. I realize now that Anna is dressed like a whoreish version of Tammy Wynette.

Before the show close we see the women contestants for this season. They are MUCH more full of personality and I’m sooooo excited!!! Deaf, fat, old, competitive and the list goes on!!! There’s not a midget but there’s a good chance Kristi Yamaguchi will cut some bitch at the knees with her skates!

So that’s it for the first night of competition! Mario and Karina get the best scores – will America agree?! Or will they vote for Steve for fear that’s he’ll off himself if he has to go back to working children’s parties?! The suspense! What do you all think?? Dish it!!