Dancing with the Stars: Domo Arigato “Monica” Roboto!

Welcome back to our second night of Dancing with the Stars! Thanks for tuning in to my last recap (my first!) and coming back for more! There were some worries that I won’t be sticking it through til the end of the season. I give you my word that no matter how exhausted and bitter I become of it – I’ll stick with it until the tragic end. I’ve made it through several relationships that way so I’m confident.

And we’re back for a second night with the ladies of dance! I seriously am excited! These ladies – oh – there’s just so much to be said. It’s like a treasure trove of catty goodness.

We begin the night again with my favorite sweeping camera shot of the whole cast where they each get 1 second of camera time to shine. Steve mouths “Hi Dad!” tonight. Aww – rack up one more for the ol’ Steve-o fan club. Monica Seles does the stupidest white girl hand jive shimmy. If that’s any indicator of her dance abilities I’m horrified. And thrilled. AGAIN Priscilla looks away from the camera as it goes by. Seriously – you guys have to watch for it. Priceless – like she’s scared of it. And Marlee gives us the “I Love You” sign again. I’m beginning to worry it’s the only sign she knows and she just makes up the rest of it.

Tom and Samantha introduce recap clips of last night. Best part is the little interviews in between the clips. During one of them the dialogue between Cristian and Cheryl goes:

Cristian: I’ve learned just to have fun and not to worry.

Cheryl: Aww – you’re so good.

Cristian: Or I get beaten up.

Cheryl. Stop it. Just shut up.

I know this was probably scripted but good God I’ve love to see Cheryl bring the hammer down on Ricky Martin Jr.

Steve and Anna comment that if all the leaders of the world learned to dance together it’d be a happier place. Steve then goes on to say whichever president won the United Nations dance-off would rule the world. O…k. We just went from world peace to world dictatorship in 5 seconds with a faded American movie star and a Russian chick covered in 3 gallons of tanner. This is why there was a cold war – to keep these two idiots apart. And ps Steve – after witnessing the dance moves of our current President I’d say that’s the worst friggin’ idea ever:

During Penn and Kym’s interview Penn calls Bruno a munchkin on helium. WOW. Kym’s face pretty much read: “AHH FUCK. THERE GOES MY TROPHY FOR SURE.”

Oh well – it’s not like I had a shot anyway. At least I can be a showgirl in this jerk off’s Vegas act.

Meanwhile, Mario has the balls to start giving the ladies advice. WELL – SOMEONE’S scores went right to his head. Watch it, Icarus.

The women contestants answer back with a bunch of “ra ra – go chicks!” quips. The best is when Marlee signs “The women are on fire!” and it’s a man’s voice. The poor girls deaf – do you think she has any idea that when she’s signing everyone’s hearing a guy’s voice?! Come on – it makes her look like a trannie. Could ABC not find one girl anywhere that could interpret sign?! Poor Marlee. Bless her sweet deaf heart.

“Hey Marlee! How many times do I have to tell you that you sound like a man before you understand me?!”

Len warns the girls that he’s grumpy tonight – so beware! Really? A stodgy, old, British dancer – grumpy?! Whhhaa?!?! What’s next Len? You tell us you smell like a dusty cellar? Get out!

Time for the good stuff! First up we have Shannon Elizabeth! Apparently she’s not only the nude actress from “American Pie” but she’s also an excellent poker player. The boners of 3 million men, ages 55-100, just saluted you my dear. Her partner is Derek Hough. He notes that “Last year I was in the competition as a boy – this year I’m a man.” Funny how the one thing that makes you question if that’s really true is when someone utters that line. I wait for the “It’s shake n’ bake and I helped!” line to follow – but nothing.

We see Shannon and Derek meet for the first time. At first, I of course want to hate them cause they’re so damn pretty – but DAMN – they’re so damn pretty! Derek notices right away that Shannon’s a “flip-flop” kind of girl. What??!! Before I can google “Shannon Elizabeth Sex Tape” I realize he means she can’t dance for shit in heels. Shannon says she’s trying to prepare by doing everything in her heels. Of course we are then subject to the scripted shots of her walking her dogs in heels and kick boxing in heels. Too bad they leave out the shot of her doing you-know-what-in-heels which is I’m sure the only one that would’ve been spot on.

Side note: Derek, if you’d like to be referred to as a man and not a boy…

Ditch the Zac Efron hair.

The dance begins between Shannon and Derek and WHAT?! The song is “Shut Up and Drive” but it sure as shit isn’t the beautiful and talented Rihanna singing it!!! WTF?! It’s an awful version and unless they pan back to show Marlee Matlin singing it, there’s no excuse. Shannon and Derek seem to be making the best of it. Derek is however wearing something from the Regis Philbin line of red on red:

Gelman! This Shannon girl is driving me CRAZY!

Shannon does a pretty snazzy job and is DEFINITELY using her 12-foot long legs to her best advantage.

“Want to see the director’s cut my American Pie?!”

Tom takes a moment to thank the band and the SINGERS that just butchered one of my favorites.

Take a guess which one refers to herself as the THE MOTHER FUCKING QUEEN.

Len loved it and tells Elizabeth “If you’re gonna wear a short skirt like that – then you have to… (oh God – Please say wax – please say wax!!!) improve on your legwork.” DAMN! Bruno comments on her legs too. I can’t blame them. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I looked at her face once. Oh my God! That’s the macho-est thing I’ve ever said! The things Dancing with the Stars can do to you!

The judges give Shannon and Derek 7′s across the board. Hmm… Is it just me or do these judges agree way too much? Not that I need a whole Randy/Paul vs Simon thing to go on here – but come on – a little friction would be nice. Maybe if the scale was 1-20 there’d be more room for a difference. Oh – if only I ruled the world of reality dance shows.

While Samantha tells us about the voting Derek feels the need to “sign” what she’s saying in his own little doofy way. (See what you start Marlee?! Hands in pockets from now on!)

And I swear – when Samantha says it’s time to vote for the “women” – Derek makes a “boobs” gesture to convey the word “women”.

Yup. Totally a man. This wasn’t boy-like AT ALL. (TEE HEE… BOOBS!)

Our tennis champ, Monica Seles, is up next. She tells us she decided to do “Dancing with the Stars” because she “didn’t quite have a normal childhood”. Uh oh. Here comes Debbie Downer! Was it boozey parents? A sweatshop!? What’s your Oprah moment Monica??!!? “I played tennis at 6 and felt like a tomboy.” Oh… umm… some kids roam the streets or get groped up by Uncle Handsy McCreeperson – but YOU – YOU had to play TENNIS. Wow. Your childhood was fucking brutal. How did you survive?!?

BTW – does anyone else feel she looks like bizarro Celine Dion?!?

I am zee greatest dancer – in all zee werld!

Her partner, Jonathon Roberts, comments that they’re dancing the fox trot and he’s worried as Monica is IN NO WAY graceful!! They show a clip of her trying to glide across the floor. Imagine a baby’s first steps combined with that drunken stagger you see guys do right before they puke. She’s mastered that.

Awww – how sad! Jonathon seriously looks bummed watching her. I wonder how they assign the dancers to their celebrity. If it’s straws then I promise you Jonathon got the very shortest one. I’m not shitting you when I say that Guttenberg and Penn were more graceful last night. Tomboy??? Holy shit Monica! You’re more of a man than Derek is!

The dance goes as expected. AWFUL. I mean – there were a FEW pretty moments. Mostly while Monica was standing there and Jonathon danced all Swazey-like around her. Smoke and mirrors! Pretty boring. Her dress however looks like cubic zirconium threw up in the middle of pretty in pink.

HOWEVER, when the judges start to critique her – my heart grows from 3 sizes too small to 2¼. Monica looks like she’s going to BURST INTO TEARS at any moment. AWWW! Monica! Girl – just think about all the money you rake in from tennis endorsement crap. Come on, you probably have enough money to BUY grace. All three judges sense the breaking point is near and are gentle on her. Boo. Where’s Simon when you need him?!

Luckily, Monica heads back to the “green room” so the judges can give her shit 5′s across the board from a safe (cowardly) distance. She just looks completely happy to be done. I wouldn’t be surprised if she comes up with a family emergency that pulls her from the show. If I was her parents I’d steer clear of walking between her and any staircases.

Up next we have Marissa Jaret Winokur! Who I am SO excited for! I loved her in “Hairspray” on Broadway! She won a Tony! AND I think she got TOTALLY screwed over when Nikki Blonsky got the movie role over her. I wonder if they had a weigh-in for the role and MJW lost. Whatever – now’s your chance to shine Marissa!!! Maybe you could put down the ham for 2 seconds and get excited.

Meanwhile her partner, Tony Dovolani, says he’s been in this competition for 5 years and knows how important it is to have fun. Hmm – 5 years and no wins? It might be a good idea for hard work and skill to trump fun this time around, Tony.

They meet for the first time and Marissa says she’d like to think Stacey Keibler looked like her before she danced with Tony. Ok – that could be fair – let’s check:

The way Stacey Keibler looked before dancing with Tony…

And the way MJW looks before dancing with Tony…



AHHH AHHHHH AHHH! Oh. Um. Sorry. Sure. You uhhh – are totally starting out on the same page. You look great sweetie. Go get ‘em.

During rehearsal’s Marissa is pretty much a spaz and is moments away from humping Tony’s leg. It’s like one of those Wile E. Coyote cartoons – where he imagines Road Runner as a baked chicken. Here we have Marissa imagining Tony as a giant hock of ham – with dancing feet. It’s clear that she’s trying to be all Broadway about dancing. Down with the jazz hands Liza!! Tony goes on to describe her as loud and out-of-control in the nicest way possible. He’s clearly thrilled.

Marissa and Tony start the Cha Cha Cha! And what??! What’s with the songs?! They’re dancing to “Low” by Flo Rida!! To the Cha Cha Cha??! It looks wrong but feels so right! Ooohh – I get it! “Shorty got it low – low – low.” It’s because Marissa’s as tall as she is wide. How sweet. As they dance there’s a lot of flailing around of short chubby drumstick legs. Who did MJW piss off to have to go after Shannon?! Come on! And she’s clearly trying to make up for a lack of height with her hair. Either that or she houses a squirrel farm above her head.

Tony does everything short of firing off rounds into the audience to take the attention off of MJW. I’ve never seen a man wearing so many sequins and I’m an avid fan of figure skating. Marissa’s mouth is completely wide open the whole time for some reason. Maybe she’s stretching it for when she swallows Tony in one whole piece. She totally fucks up a move at one point but “covers it up” with a smile and a laugh. Yeah – the judges will never know! At one point the camera crew and producers decide to give up and just go for random shots to entertain us…Like the random close-up ass-slap shot:

Watch out for sequin splinters!!

MJW and Tony finish with up with a salute to her fat ass – shake of the hips and BOOM – she knocks Tony out!

Classy. Way to support your girl Tony!

Judge time. Tom makes a crack about Tony’s “oil-slick” pants. Nice! All those years of training on “America’s Funniest Home Videos” have finally paid off Tom! I’m disappointed that he doesn’t take a whiffle-ball bat out and crack Tony in the nuts for old time’s sake.

The moment Carrie starts with “Marissa – I love your style – you’ve got sass!” we know that it’s headed downhill for our little chubbers. Judges complementing you on looks and attitude is the equivalent of saying “The costumes were GREAT!” after seeing a friend’s show. (This is my handy stand-by compliment!) Carrie then says she was looking for more content – as do the rest of the judges. They all chew Tony out for simple choreography and not giving Chubbers a chance! I concur! Let’s make her do a back flip next week! Just warn me so I can hold on to something when she does.

Time for scores. Marissa is still freaking out and so excited. You gotta love her for her spirit. And it’s… 6′s across the board! (Side note: To the producers of “Dancing with the Stars”: That little “bum-bum” drum noise after each judge holds up their score is ridiculous. And I plan on boycotting it unless you invite me to the show to do it myself. Cheers, bBitz.)

It’s time for what I truly to believe will be the most awkwardly beautiful wreck in DWTS history – Priscilla Presley!!!

Ok folks – I need your help here – what the fuck does her dance partner, Louis van Amstel, hand her in the shot before her intro?! I know it’s a joke but what the fuck is it?!

I watched it 10 times and couldn’t figure it out. Is it a harness?! Is he giving her back her undies? Did he borrow a garter belt?! Whoever tells me gets a shout out in the next recap. Hey – it’s all I gots to give.

In her intro she comments that she’s known for being in the “Naked Gun” movies (nope), being on “Dallas” (umm – not so much) but probably best know for being married to Elvis Presley – BIIIINGOOOO! The opening shot is of her dancing on Graceland’s lawn and/or Elvis’ grave. Louis is introduced and says that competition runs through his veins. He has quite possibly the most angular face I’ve ever seen. Wait – nope – take that back – they just did a close up of Priscilla. What is UP with HER face? Honey – take it down a notch! It looks like someone took an air pump to Michael Jackson’s face and dropped it on your shoulders. She looks like the female version of the Joker! It’s like every episode of Nip/Tuck shoved between two ears. I could go on but I’ll save them for future re-caps. Feel free to post your favorite “What Priscilla’s face looks like!”

They begin practicing and Priscilla tells Louis that she doesn’t want to be handled delicately. OH! She wants to be HANDLED Louis! There’s a reason she got to nail the most wanted man of all time – she’s an ANIMAL! She’s unstoppable – she’s – umm – she’s looking at a pair of heels and trying to figure out how to put them on.

These are the strangest gloves I’ve ever seen!

Louis and Priscilla start rehearsal right after Louis creams himself because he’s getting to dance with the lady that had Elvis’ hands all over her. At one point Priscilla says – “You have no idea what’s going on in my head!” We don’t! But please say it’s the mental image you got when your daughter said she was boinking Michael Jackson! Ahh crap. She just utters some BS about dance steps. Boresville.

Louis tells Priscilla that he wants to attempt the “Death Spiral”! Her response, “HUH?!” I pretty sure she thinks he’s referring to Elvis’ fat years – but then it dawns – the DANCE MOVE!

Time for the dance – a fox trot! Priscilla looks really freakin’ tense but then wow – Louis throws her around like a rag doll! He’s HANDLING HER! Suddenly her body is a wash of fluid movement and passion – except her face which is of course plastered “stoic” 24/7. And then here comes the big “Death Spiral”! Sha-za! She pulls it off! She spiraled faster than Lohan straight outta rehab! Then Louis pops her back up for a big finish and even her hair plays along and falls just so on her Frankenstein face! Beautiful!!!

The judges love it. Len thinks it was a “Prahpah fox trot – very fruid!” Fruid?! What the hell is wrong with his accent? Maybe he took a high spin kick to the mouth at some point in his 120year career. Bruno thinks she’s had the most “Stah quality” – which is ironic since everyone else competing is a star by their own right – not because they got up in the middle of the night to make the King fried banana sandwiches. Carries applauds her for defying her age. This woman is 62 – not 80! WTF?! Shut up and stop wearing hot pink Carrie. It’s annoying.

OHHH MYYY GOD! Best part of the night so far – is that Winona Judd in the audience? NO! It’s Lisa-Marie Presley!!! Holy shit! I know she’s preggers but with WHAT?! A sea cow?! Yikes! I hope the baby weighs 120 lbs at birth or someone’s going to have just a wee bit of “I’m so fat – I hate that baby!” depression afterwards.

I guess we should just gather up all the anorexic celebs in Hollywood and have them blow MJ. Problem solved!

Samantha gives them their scores (but not before calling Priscilla their most “mature” contestant yet – what a bitch) and it’s 8′s across the board. Good job Pri-Pri!

And now we have my favorite contestant!!! Kristi friggin’ Yamaguchi!!! WOO WOO! Olympic Gold Winner! World Champion! The original Michelle Kwan! She’s got her competitive hat on and she’s ready to cut some bitches with her blades! Her dance, partner is the young, hot, fiery, hot, latin dance champion, really hot Mark Ballas, Jr. What?!?

They meet at Kristi’s house – made of brick. Next to another house of brick. No big bad wolves here – but wait – here comes a dapperly over-dressed Mark around the corner. I love how Kristi throws her kid aside to swoon. I’d throw her kid too if it got in the way. WHAT?!?

She’s worried we’ll have high expectations because she’s already known as an entertainer. YES. WE DO AND WE WILL. DO NOT FUCK THIS UP. Look what happened to Michelle Kwan. You know she’s off somewhere making fortune cookies in a factory. I know this because every once in a while I open a cookie and get a fortune that says “Sasha Cohen sucks balls.”

Meanwhile Mark tells us he is so excited because he loves figure skating! Dear Mark, You are a very pretty boy who likes to dance. Some things can be left unsaid.

During rehearsals Mark has to teach her to lead with her heels. Kristi explains that when you’re a skater you always keep your feet flat. Don’t start with the excuses already Yamaguchi!

Kristi and Mark’s fox trot begins with a fantastic twirl and a snap!! Wowza! NICE! She’s on fire! Kristi is pretty much fucking amazing and is dancing like… a STAR! She’s elegant, beautiful, sassy and LIMBER!!!

AYA!

The judges go totally mental!!! Bruno calls it “Absolutely wicked!” Who knew he was from Boston? Then there’s a shot of two Asians clapping in the audience. They better be related to her because if not the producer is a dick. (“Let’s get a reaction shot of those Asians – they must know her!) Len says “The ice maiden has melted my heart!” That’s pretty amazing since it’s mostly made out of scrap metal from 1918.

Back in the green room – Samantha throws Kristi under a bus with “Well you know – some people say because of the figure skating you have a natural advantage.” Shut the fuck up Samantha! It is one thing for me to say that about Mario – BUT YOU LEAVE OUR SWEET LITTLE GOLD MEDALIST OUT OF THIS!!! She had to learn to point her toes and dance in heels!!!

Judges reward them with 9′s across the board – the highest score yet! (BTW – I love how Samantha has to look down at her cue card for the total – 27 – girl can’t multiply 9 by 3. USELESS!!!)

And finally – our last season 6 contestant – Marlee Matlin! Ok – so I’m gonna be good and try to steer clear of making deaf jokes. It’s a cheap shot and I’ll rise above it. Do you hear that Marlee? I’ll rise above it! Marlee?! I said did you hear that!?! Oh nevermind. She’s just asking for it.

Marlee tells us that she won her Oscar for “Children of a Lesser God” and they show a photo:

HAHAHAHAH!!! WTF?!? Those glasses! And is that baby’s breath in her hair?! Is she deaf or BLIND?!

This is the first time Fabian, her dance partner, is on Dancing with the Stars. This is not the first time, however, that there’s been a flaming homo on the show. What was the sign for flames again Marlee?

Fabian’s on FIRE!

Don’t worry though – he’ll be totally cool and no drama when he tells us he found out his dance partner is deaf:

Then again. Maybe not.

So rehearsals start and what’s the first thing Fabian tries to do??! BLAST MUSIC AS LOUD AS HE CAN TO SEE IF SHE’LL HEAR IT!!! What the fuck?! I’m glad she’s not cripple! “Ok Marlee – I’m gonna set fire to your wheel chair and see if you can walk.”

Marlee of course looks at him like the asshole he is. “Still can’t hear anything dumbass.” Can you imagine if this ruse worked?! What would the shows be like?! “Ok folks – we have to turn the sound up to 3,000 decibels so Marlee can hear it!” People would run screaming from the theatre with blood pouring from their ears. Good thinking FABIAN!

A better idea would have been to incorporate the interpreter into the dance. Now THAT’S entertainment! Fling that fucker around and have Marlee tap her foot and smile.

Here we are – the final dance – only one star to go – and it’s the Cha Cha Cha! They’re dancing to “Get On Your Feet” by Gloria Esteban. And they do the little “Come on – get on your feet!” wave to the audience. What a cheap ploy for a standing ovation! Panderers I say! Marlee does a lot of shimmy shimmy dancing – not many steps – just like a long awkward drunk/sexy walk. Fabian keeps touching and grabbing her head and directing it.

She’s your dance partner Fabian – she’s not in the process of giving you a BJ – hands off!!

Yikes. What’s the sign for “Take a deep breath!!!”

They finish there dance with a lil’ pizzaz and it’s off to the judges table. Carrie applauds her on being an inspiration but then reminds her that she will be judged just the same way as everyone else. I wait to see the sign for “Well then fuck this I’m outta here!” from Marlee but she decides to take the high road. Len likes it but tells her to not “fling” her arms around. That’s how she says “Hello” Len. Geez. Bruno says that although she can’t hear the music, it runs through her “Blahd”! And then he comments that he counted all the way through and she didn’t miss a beat. They all cheer. Whoa whoa – he counted all the way through – for what?! If she missed one beat was he really gonna nail her for it!?! What a DICK! I take back every nice thing I was ever going to say about you Bruno. Evil!

Tom announces that next week the “hottest selling ticket” will be there – The Jonas Brothers! Tom, THEY’RE not the hottest selling ticket – that jr lesbian Hannah Montana is. So really we’re just getting back up singers next week.

Samantha interviews Marlee and Fabian. My favorite part is when Samantha absent-mindedly puts the microphone in front of Marlee’s mouth and gets all confused when the voice comes from the interpreter standing behind her. She then gives a “Oh yeah – she’s deaf” nod and yanks it back away. Classic!!!!

The judges score – Carrie: 7, Len: 7 and Bruno… 8!!! Holy shit! Someone actually voted different from the rest! Although I feel like it was a bit of a pity vote. I have a feeling Bruno beat up a deaf kid once and he feels this is his redemption.

Looking at the rankings for the evening – Kristi and Mark take the cake and Monica “Roboto” Seles and Jonathon come in last. Wow. Monica Seles, you just got beat by a girl that can’t even hear the music!!! What are you gonna do?! “I’m going to… my house to cause a family emergency!” We thought so.

So that’s it! Another long, long show under my belt. Shit! Hope you guys liked it. Let me know what you think of the ladies! Will there be a showdown between Shannon and Kristi?! Will Priscilla’s face fly off!? Will MJW come back next week missing her partner but have a full tummy?! Will Marlee sleep through her alarm and miss the whole competition?! Dish it!