Dancing with the Stars: Penn is an Asshole

Tonight’s a big night – 2 hours and all the couples are dancing! As the intro comes on we hear Tom say “And for two stars, dreams of glory will turn into nightmares of failure!” Wow. As if these people have’t failed enough that they end up on this show – ol’ Tom really has to kick ‘em when they’re down.
Samatha kicks off her intro stuttering on the word “dreaded”. Ironic since I’d use that word to describe how I feel about her every show.

The stars file out and two words come to mind: MORE SKIN! Wow – only the second time out for everyone and we’re already getting desperate. I love it! Except you Penn – please God don’t show us your skin. I’m afraid mine would melt off if you did.

We go the scan down of all the stars and SURPRISE! Tonight’s the night that Priscilla stares right at the camera! Straight on! I can only assume she reads my recaps. If so, “Hey P, Thanks for reading. All that stuff I said about your Franken-face – totally kidding. Oopsie! You’re fab. Love, bBitz.”

I’m so happy we’re getting right into the dancing tonight! No more intros! Let’s get right to the meat so we can start figuring out who to ax! Speaking of – Guttenberg’s up first! And is it me or has he gotten a little nip/tuck since last week? Maybe P-dog snuck in on him and played a little prank. She’s silly like that. Doesn’t like anyone around her to look human.

Steve and Anna are in rehearsal and it kicks off with Anna screaming at him. Steve fires back with a sarcastic “That’s terrible” and I grow fonder of the old “Gut” (Goot) for putting the little Ruskie in her place. And then she brings in Mother Russia to help her out. I’m guessing the last time Steve was in a room with two Russian chicks he was spending the last grand of his “Three Men and a Baby” check.

And WTF with the subtitles?! It drives me nuts when they put subtitles up when you can clearly understand someone. Thanks for insulting my intelligence ABC! (PS – However I still would like to see them when Bruno speaks)

Irina (Mother Russia) comes in and just about tackles Steve as she exclaims “I love Police Academy!” (Uh oh.) “I do yoga like you! I am the same age like you!” Is this chick a mail-order bride or shakin’ Steve down for a green card?! She finishes with “I am scared of her (Anna) too!” Awww…. How sad. Mom’s gonna be on the next boat back to the USSR.

Steve thanks the Chernobyl sisters and says because of them he’ll have a “Macho Mambo Combo.” Wow – quite the promise Steve. Say you’ll do it without grinning like a dumb ass and I’ll be impressed.

Here comes Steve and Anna in the mambo – and look who’s dressed all Miami Vice! I like it. Makes me feel like he seconds away from doing blow… again. It’s the only way I think he could explain those stupid faces he makes! Come on!!

The band is playing a butchered version of some mambo song that is now infused with Steve’s name and other quirks. The guy singing sounds great – he has a “I can’t believe this is where my career has gone” quality. He should get together with the lady that butchered Rihanna last week and tour pact suicide groups around the country.

Steve does a pretty good job dancing. It’s absolutely impossible for him to keep his mouth closed through any of it. I hope the judges nail him for it. Although it takes the attention away from the dance he’s murdering.

Anna and Steve finish. Tom thanks the band and we are greeted yet again by…

The mother-fucking queen! Giiiiirl! I love those outfits!!!

The judges start their crituqes and Len compares Steve’s routine to baking a… wait for it… SPOTTED DICK. Honestly – I could not possibly have described it better myself. Although really Len? Couldn’t have said crumpet? Sticky pudding? So many Brit dishes and you went with spotted dick?! To be honest I probably would’ve described Steve’s dancing as more gonorrhea-like.

Anna gets all pissy with Len and says something like “Vodka! Vodka! Vodka!” or something like that – I need subtitles.

Bruno speaks. AND THANK YOU!!! He says “All your work went into your expressions, so your body died.” THANK YOU. I understand you Bruno – and I concur!

Carrie nails Steve for a lack of musicality and technique. Anna goes apeshit, screaming “This is his second dance!” Excuses excuses Anna! Back to the breadlines! Carrie tells her it’s competition time and to shut it. Steve tries to recover with a “thank you and I respect you”. Nice job Steve – but I’d suggest buying a muzzle for Gorbachev Jr.

Anna shows us how many times the Gut nailed her mom during rehearsal.

The judges give their scores. Len and Bruno give 5′s while Carrie gives a 6! Ok, my theory is that they TOTALLY score the dance BEFORE they critique the dancers. I always see Carrie frantically hand an assistant a piece of paper right after the dancing’s over. It must be the scores – and lord knows the producers must have to add them up and spell it out for Samantha. AND there’s NO way Carrie would’ve given them a higher score after Anna got all mouthy with her. No way! What do you guys think?!

Back in the green room, Steve says “Dancing with the Stars” makes this world a better place. Oh Steve. Whatever you’re on – please – share. The only reason this show makes the world a better place is that it gives out of work actors a place to stay out of the rain.

Right before commercial break we get a nice shot of Marissa about to give head to three of the contestants.

Don’t do it MJW! Their votes don’t count!

And we’re back with Cristian de la Receding Hair Line and Cheryl. This week it’s the two step. Which Cristian says brings out the child in him. We then see him bouncing around the studio like a spaz on Ritalin. Seriously? Now how are you supposed to hold the respectable fake-title of International Movie Star with behavior like that?

Cristian says he realizes he has a “1 in 6 chances of going home”. Math: A, Grammar: F. However, congrats on being smarter than Samantha “I have to look at the cue card to add 3 numbers together!” Harris.

Cheryl completes a sexual fantasy of hers by dressing the man-child up in a military uniform to keep him “standing up straight”. Cristian makes a reference to “Officer and a Gentlemen” thus confirming the fact that the producers write half the shit he says.

The dance begins! Cristian goes back and forth from looks of fear to looks of joy. He dances around a little light on the feet but he makes such a point of standing up straight it looks like he has a broomstick up his ass. No doubt that was also Cheryls idea. She’s twisted! I love her!

They finish with Cristian doing a somersault over Cheryl. Is this dancing or 4th grade gym class?!

Hey Cristian! How big was that broomstick?!

Carrie loves the new posture but grills him a bit on his footwork. Len says his feet were “faster than wind from a duck’s bottom.” Oh. Ok. WHAT??!? What fucking metaphorical language is he speaking?! This whole show needs subtitles. I’ve had it. And ps – I’ve totally seen wind from a duck’s bottom and I’d say it’s mediocre speed at best. Meanwhile, Bruno thinks Cristian captured the “Dancing Gangster.” Bruno, at what point have you ever seen a gangster dance? And I’m not talking about one that rips off his pants and reminds you to “Look but don’t touch!”

Carrie and Bruno give them 7′s while Len sticks them with a 6. Cristian comments that they’re never happy – thus guaranteeing himself lower scores next week. Way to shmooze the judges dickhead!

Up next – the tragic, sweet mess called Monica Seles! They show a clip of her crying last week after she got her “5″ scores. Look at is this way Monica – there’s no place to go but up! Unless of course you really fuck up and get 3′s. So I guess there is room for failure. Judging by their rehearsal I’d say there’s actually quite a bit of room. She’s FUCKED.

Monica “Roboto” Seles is just not gifted with grace. She can’t even smile without Jonathon coaching her! She seriously starts to cry when trying! Monica! At least you CAN physically smile! Look at Priscilla! If she tried to smile her face would crack open and spill motor oil!

She says she feels uncomfortable with the facial expressions, like smiling, because she “never had to do them before.” Ummm – what?! Not smiling on the the tennis courts – I get it. BUT HAVE YOU NEVER SMILED ONE MOMENT IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?!? Geez lady – no wonder you cry all the time. Start taking whatever the Gut’s on.

Oh look! It’s Monica being sexy! Oh look! My penis just retreated back into my spleen!

Monica had to go to Japan in the last week for business (my guess she’s hocking hormones to the wee lil’ people – either that or, as I predicted, they’re remaking “Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto!). So Jonathon went with her to give her the extra practice that she DESPERATLEY needs. He must’ve looked like a giant over there. “GOD-ZIRAH!!”

They Mambo and Monica shakes it like a Polaroid picture. And that would be a Polaroid picture of this:

BWAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! This IS my smile! BWAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Yeah – not much better this week. She seriously dances like it physically hurts her to have rhythm. She tries though – gotta give her that. Shakes her skirt, waves her finger – everything short of a retarded hokey-pokey. She even cracks several smiles without bleeding out.

Good news! She’s crying before the judges even talk! Bruno seems so concerned that she connect with the music. Honestly, if I was judging I would’ve said “It was great having you on the show!” and left it at that. Carrie gives her props for at least trying her best – which really I think she was. It just WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH! (cue more crying) Len spares us a “freckled cockle” metaphor and tells Monica to stick with tennis.

It’s another round of 5′s across the board. Samantha comments “Well – you didn’t go up – but you didn’t go down!” Thanks for that Samantha – any other words of brilliance?! I’d pay good money to see Monica practice a backhand on her. Monica says this is the first time she’s learned the difference between a Mambo and a mango. I’ll give you a hint – a mango is sweet and juicy – and your mambo made Jesus cry. See how easy that was?

Next up Penn and Kym. Kym tries to teach Penn good posture with a bar across his back:

Looks like a python huh? Oh how I wish it was!

But it’s not big enough so asshole decides to destroy dance studio property:

And makes himself a bigger posture bar:

Wow. WWPD?

After dicking around during rehearsal they decide to go piss away time at Penn’s magic studio. (Kym has clearly given up teaching Sasquatch to dance) Penn realizes Kym has given up on him so he decides to cut the bitch:

Literally.

Best part of that?! They never show her come out of that trick alive! OMG! He killed her! Luckily ABC planned on Penn losing it at some point and have a cloned Kym ready to take her place.

Back on the dance floor, our team of “Worthless and Hopeless” attempt the Quick-Step. Penn starts it off by stabbing a Bruno Voodoo doll.

Really Penn? Wouldn’t it just be easier to saw him in half too?

Penn goes on to dance like (and I mean this in the best possible way) a complete fucking mental. If a Neanderthal was to mate with Monica Seles the love-child would be Penn Jillette dancing the Quick-Step. He thunders around the stage with nary a dance step in mind.

They finish with Penn mounting Kym. I’m guessing this was his idea. I hope Kym didn’t want her spine to stay where it was.

CRRRRRRRACK!

Len actually says he thought Penn was “having a go at a proper quick-step” but that his feet were a mess. Then Penn makes a horrific joke about his feet being “bound for two weeks”. Apparently they restrained Yamaguchi since she never came out to kick him in the balls for that comment.

Bruno tells Penn his feet were “really, really, really bad”. Looks like the voodoo doll did the trick. Carrie says she loves Penn because he’s fun to watch. And which show are you watching Carrie? Cause I’d love to write the recap for that one.

Penn exits with Kym and trips on the stairs on the way up but says he was “kidding”. Oh Penn. You’re so funny you should have our own show in Vegas. IF ONLY. Ugh.

Back in the green room Penn tells the kids at home “Learning to dance is not fun.” Thanks Penn – wanna suggest they try drugs or roulette while you’re at it?

Carrie and Len give them a six while Bruno sticks it back to Penn with a 5. Good for him.

Priscilla and Louis are up next. She’s looking better this week. I think the extra half pound of make-up she’s using is helping out! During rehearsal she says the mambo can be “sexy at any age”. True. But 104 is pushing it.

Their Mambo begins and Pri is actually off to a great start – she’s sassy, she’s confident and yet she’s still really, really old – it can be done! Apparently though she had to skin both a leopard and an ostrich to make this outfit happen:

Look! She laid the gayest ostrich egg ever!

She seemed a little drunk in her step work but her “I could give a fuck” style of dancing is really winning me over! And what?! She ends the dancing with this cat-like crawl on the floor towards the camera:

She’s the ultimate COUGAR!!!

Carrie compliments her passion AND her growling! I would pay money to see those two go at it. Claws out, swinging, screaming – Carrie would be fucked – if Pri lost any of her face she could just pick it up and snap it back on.

Oh and then there’s Len – who CLEARLY wants to nail our girl Pri! What?! Yes. He said he wanted to see a little bit more of “Go on girl – get in there!” Although that sounds really gay now that I wrote it out. Maybe Len’s bi. ICK.

Back in the green room Priscilla says Louis makes her work for it “harder and harder and harder”. This is the most sexually charged episode of “Dancing with the Stars” ever! Hose her down!

The judges all give 7′s which is pretty weak. I think a grown woman crawling around on the ground deserves at least 8′s. Or a dirty, sweaty dollar bill. Either way.

Shannon and Jason are up next – and how does Shannon start it out?! By whining that her scores were TOO HIGH!!! Honey – they were grading you on your dancing – not your “horrific OMG it’s so bad I laugh” acting. Take what you can get.

Derek is worried about her stamina so he takes her hiking. Usually I’d say not to follow a guy you just met up into the woods, but the worst this one’s gonna do is give you an ambush makeover.

They start their dance and Shannon’s doing fantastic. She’s throwing those Barbie legs around. At one point they do a cheap little trick and use the judge’s table for a dance move. Shannon makes a point to thrust her chest as hard as she can at the boys.

Gimme double 10′s and you can have these double D’s!

Bruno goes ape-y and loves it! He even pounds on the desk with man-like qualities! Carrie loves it too and finally Len gives her a “Best Dance So Far!” compliment. Set your watch Shannon – the Yamaguchinator is on its way and your time to shine is limited!

Side note: Next week is Kylie Minogue! EEEEE!! I hope she sings “Locomotion”.

Back in the green room Derek says he slaps Shannon around a bit when she doesn’t listen. Please get that on film for next week!

The judges give them 8′s! Yeah Shannon. You can cut yourself a little less this week!

Jason and Edyta are up. During rehearsal Edyta says how she wants to really test Jason this week and then she does a move that goes like this:

Just so we’re clear – when months down the road we find out these two are nailing – and you’re thinking – “I wonder when that started?” – it was right here – this shot right here.

And so their mambo/affair begins! And it’s HOT! OMG! He throws her around like he IS the mambo king! Fast steps, suave swaying, and he HANDLES her! Rowr. During the end he swings her around the floor and I’m almost sure they’re gonna have to bring a zamboni out after she’s done with it. He finally yanks her up and they ALMOST kiss. I think I’M sexally frustrated now just from watching it.

Len loves is and says Jason is a winner and not a sinner this week. Bruno calls him a STAR (go figure) and Carrie says that she thinks Jason could go on to win the whole thing!

The judges give them 9′s all the way! WHAT?! OMG – Yamaguchi-san – get out there and start kicking ass! Monica “Roboto” – activate!

Back in the green room Carrie asks Jason what he feels like the mood is “back here”. It’s a green room Carrie – not a locker room – no matter how much you want to see Jason walk around in a towel. Because that would be wrong. And dirty. Rowr. Carrie’s a ho!

Next up MJW and Tony! Oh GOD. And it goes right into her crying about not being able to do the things the other girls (with long legs and distinguishable ankles) could do. PS – She’s crying about this while she’s eating of course.

Their quick-step begins and they take off with quite a rump shakin’ start. Chubber’s legs are really working double-time to keep up with Tony’s. It’s like watching a Peanuts character dance across the floor with an Italian Jack Skeleton.

Just to give you an idea how she felt about her dance – this is how Chubbers looked at the end:

I’M A STAR! MEEEE!!!!!

Carrie starts out with an “I love you girl”. UH OHHHH. Yet again that’s an indicator for “YOU SUUUCK”. And Carrie says just that in the nicest way possible. Len says it was a great improvement – he loves Chubbers. And Bruno loves Chubbers too! Let’s all show some love for Chubbers!

The scores come out and BAM – 7′s across the board for… CHUBBERS!!! I’d celebrate but all I can think about is how they both look like they’re gonna eat each other:

It’s Guy Smiley and his wife Chubbers!

Now we’re on to Adam and Julianne. There’s something about Adam rehearsing the Mambo in sweats and doing moves like this:

That makes me wretch.

The mambo starts and Adam of course continues to walk around the floor and call it dancing. To Julianne’s credit, she dresses like a complete sex dragon to derail the audience’s attention. Next time use fireworks and a cannon sweetie.

Before Adam gets the judge’s critiques he goes on a fake rant about Guttenberg being out of control. Dear Adam, Please leave your retarded, unfunny humor to your radio station where we can scan by it to the just as bad but slightly more tolerable Ryan Seacrest. Cheers, bBitz.

We go to the judges where Bruno HAS THE AUDACITY TO CALL IT ANYTHING BUT AWFUL! What?! He says he loves it because it made him laugh. Hey – MJW eating a bag of pork rinds makes me laugh but that doesn’t mean I love it. Or something.

Carrie grills Adam over him calling her a bitch last week. WHAT?! How in the hell did I miss THAT delightful moment?! I friggin’ analyze every second and I miss THAT?! Wow. I suck. HOWEVER I saw Mark Ballas in a parking garage today and gave him a honk and a wave just for all you peeps out there. Do I get my cool cred’s back? I THOUGHT so!

Len says he thought Adam was delightful. Apparently the meds kick in around half-way through the show. Maybe they’re afraid he’ll make more jokes.

Back in the green room Adam tells us that he’s in love with another man in the audience – I suppose he means Jimmy Kimmel but it would’ve been funnier if he said it was Carrie. Bitch would have went CRRRRRRRRAAAAAZY!

Carrie and Bruno give Adam 6′s while Len gives him a highly medicated 7. WTF Len!!!???

Next up Marlee and Fabian!!! Fabian asks Marlee if she could hear the music last week and she says it sounded like she was in the shower and the music was playing in the other room. I’M SORRY WHAT?! YOU COULD HEAR SOMETHING?!?! I’m sorry – I was lead to believe you were DEAF. She should be disqualified! She was chosen for the show because she’s handicapped and now she can hear things from a shower?!? Unfair! You don’t see MJW taking off a fat suit or Priscilla taking off her face!!! How dare you Marlee!!

Anyways, the producers treat us to a little clip to help us realize what it may have sounded like for Marlee. Oh. Oh. Ooooohhh. She can’t hear shit. Nevermind – carry on!

Marlee and Fabian start their quick-step and let me say – she looks beautiful! Her feet are moving quick but I can’t be sure they’re going in the right directions. However, they’re so committed I’d believe it – look at their faces:

AHHH! Here she comes! Don’t move! She can only sense movement!! Right?!

Len says he would have liked a more traditional quick step. Like back in the old days when he quick stepped with Queen Elizabeth II. Fantastic times those were! Carrie tells Marlee she loves her musicality – which to me, is like telling a blind kid you love his t-shirt. Nice Carrie. Thoughtless!

Back in the greenroom Samantha tries to get Marlee to speak into the microphone AGAIN!!!!!

Are you kidding!?!? She’s got one fucking job!!!! OMG do it right!!! Luckily Marlee shoves it back playfully and I think “Useless Samantha” finally takes the hint. If not, the interpreter keeps reminding her. Ok buddy – we get it – you’re excited about being on TV. Pipe down.

Marlee mentions that she got an email from someone that asked “Are you going to be deaf for the whole show?” Couple of things I have to say:

1. That is hysterical.
2. It was not me.
3. If it was me I would’ve typed it in Braille just to add to the fun of it.
4. It wasn’t from me for sure because I’m positive Samantha sent it. What a bitch.

The judges give her 8′s! Wow! I would’ve liked a reaction shot of Seles when she saw she got beat by the girl who can’t even hear the music AGAIN.

Who’s next?! Oh it’s only… KRISTI YAMAGUCHI!!!! Woo woo! And Mark “Hey – saw you in a parking garage! Whaaaaat??” Ballas. By the way, some of you have pondered – is our dear little Marky gay? Hmmm…

I don’t know…

I’ll let the photos…

Speak for themselves… yikes.

Anyways, to be fair he added the skirt to show Kristi how to act feminine. I thought deep throating a banana was a little unnecessary but – he’s dedicated. (If you missed it, I’m sure it’ll be in the director’s cut)

Their Mambo beings and WOOOOOWWWW! First of all – congrats Mark on nailing the first rule of getting votes in reality TV – less clothes. Secondly – Kristi is a Harajuku girl! Love it! They are dancing like friggin’ craziness and I don’t even know how to describe it. And they end in this pose:

I think she gave MARK a chubber!

The judges of course eat it up. Although snotty little Carrie has to ask AGAIN if Kristi has had any prior experience. Listen – we all know Kristi is an amazing figure skater, is super-talented – blah blah blah – but the time to think about that was BEFORE you put her on the show! Now that she’s there I hope she wrecks the place. Just like Sanjaya on American Idol last year – but the opposite. Although I think he was a Harajuku girl too.

Len and Bruno go fucking nuts too. Bruno is borderline talking without an accent he’s so jazzed.

Back in the green room, Samantha blabbers on useless shit the producers told her to say. “Are you afraid you’ve raised the stakes too high for yourself Kristi?” How do you answer that?!? UGH! Carrie – you need to get into local reporting. “Your house just burned down and you’re shot – how do you feel about all of this?” USELESS!

The judges give 9′s and I’m peeved. There should have been a 10 in there!!!

Mario and Karina are our FINAL contestants! Karina is working on getting Mario’s feet right. So she takes him to the beach to get him to learn to dance in the sand – since it’ll help his feet. Did you ever have those moments where you’re watching TV and you think “Ugh. When the producers run out of ideas do they just say ‘Ahh – fuck it – how do we get them to take off their clothes and do it?’” By the looks of this segment – yes:

Mario and Karina start the quick step. Apparently Mario’s sleeves got caught (along with his taste) on something on the way out. Karina jumps off of the stage into his arms. Do you think they’d cut and re-tape if he had dropped her on her head? Why does nothing ever happen like that!? They dance pretty well and you can definitely tell they’re banging. Awesome.

Len gets all technical about the arms and after the audience wakes up from a nap they start to boo him to which he gets all PISSY about. But in a British sort of way – so it’s comical. Bruno feels the same way but he’s not British so it just comes off as gay.

Carrie says he’s HOT. Ick. I can smell her in heat from here.

Carrie and Bruno give Mario a nine, while Len, still pissy, gives him an 8!

Tom wraps up the show with a quick recap and then goes over the scores – Kristi on the top and Monica on the bottom. Sounds like a bad porn that only Penn would rent.

What’s everyone think of the show so far?! Is it fair that Kristi is SO AWESOME?!? Or is Samantha just pissed because Kristi gets to dance with half-naked Mark?! And will Penn saw himself in half – oh please! I’ll be back soon with the recap to the first elimination! Until then… Dish it!!!