Dancing with the Stars: ARIGATO ROBOTO!

First ever double-elimination ceremony! Woo woo! Sharpen your blades Yamiguchi-san and let’s start cutting some of these bitches!

Let’s start off with Useless Samantha’s dress! Fugly. Looks like she took a pretty black dress and then wrapped glittered sweat bands around it. She looks like a black salami wrapped in twine.We see our contestants and whhaaa?! Why are they wearing the same outfits as the night before?! Grrrooosss! They were all sweaty in those things the night before and now they wear them again?! I’m sure Penn’s used to wearing the same thing everyday but come on – this is TV!

Tom introduces the first of a bajillion recap clips. Penn and Kym bitch about the judges making fun of the size of Penn’s feet:

Kym now knows what the floor of a cheap whore-house smells like.

A very sweaty and/or greasy Guttenberg tells us he’s already won because he gets to dance with Anna – she doesn’t seem as excited:

Is that my mother’s lip gloss on your face?!

Carolla and Julianne try to do the math of their scores but lil’ Julianne just can’t seem to piece it together. Adam comments, “It’s ok, you don’t need to know math – you’re hot!”

Sadly, she takes this as the best compliment EVER:

We then see Cristian and Cheryl – and HE’S sweaty/greasy too!

EW! Ok -is there not a make-up crew on this show or is it that they are put directly under French fry lights? Gross. If I wanted to watch Cristian get this sweaty I’d tell him the INS was backstage waiting for him.

Priscilla says she’s better off when she dances if she just “Lets it go and doesn’t think”. Well… I’d say 95% of the people on that show should be able to do that with NO problem.

Mario thanks Carrie for calling him “HOT” to which Karina gets pissed and shoves him off.

In the meantime her stomach looks like Larry King’s forehead. Ouch.

Jason cries that he’ll have to go back to playing football for a ton of money if this doesn’t work out. Must be rough.

Meanwhile Edyta has a permanent smile on her face. I’m guessing it has something to with something that’s black and roughly the same size as a bread box.

Tom goes to the judges and asks Len to choose a couple to dance again. Since Len obviously has a permanent Viagra-induced boner for Jason – he asks for him and Edyta to dance the Mambo again.

They perform their Mambo again. No difference from the night before – except perhaps for some added sexual tension. Those two are totally doing the horizontal mambo.

Tom goes over the ranking of the gentlemen. Penn’s at the bottom (where he should be) and Jason and Mario are at the top. Apparently white men can’t jump OR dance. But who didn’t see that coming?!

Tom and Useless Samantha introduce the first elimination segment and tell us that “having combined the judge’s scores with your votes we will reveal the first couple to move on”. WHAT?! The judges scores actually count!? Wait – so if 100,000 people vote for Cristian they add all 41 points from the judges to make it 100,041? That makes no friggin’ sense. Do the judges votes count more?! Someone explain this to me?! The math is stifling. Such excelled shit for reality TV.

The first couple safe is the Gut and Anna! Steve’s just as surprised as I am. He’s screwed once Penn is out of the competition.

Before commercial break we see a shot of the “Jonas Brothers” who are about to perform.

They look like the Cohen brothers with their trannie sister in the middle.

After commercial the Jonas Brother perform their totally wretched cover of “Take on Me”. Umm – do these guys have any talent other than the ability to raid Billy Idol’s closet? And God help us when their voices change. It’s going to be like Hanson all over again. And the trannie looking one reminds me of Cher with a very bad haircut:

Whoa!!! It’s a hot trannie mess!

And what’s up with mutton-chops!

Better be careful little one – there’s a cougar on the block named Priscilla – and you don’t want to know what happened to the last guy with mutton-chops that crossed her path!

All things aside, it was nice to see the professionals dance to the song since they weren’t being bogged down by their deadweight celebrity partners. Bravo!

Back in the green room there’s a Steve Guttenberg love-fest going on in celebration of him making it to the next round. Adam Carolla – although I nailed his humor in the last recap – becomes by fucking hero by making fun of the eyebrows on the Jonas Brothers trannie. AWESOME!!! I can only hope that this sends the kid into a spiral before their next performance. Maybe he’ll shave them off. At least then it’ll be easier to pencil them in for his future drag shows.

Tom then goes on to giving a completely paid-for shout-out to Nate Berkus from “Oprah’s Big Give”. I’m surprised they didn’t have Samantha wear a gown made from Nate Berkus’ bed sheets.

After Samantha stumbles through yet another sentence that’s written on a friggin’ tele-prompter right in front of her, they announce that Jason and Edyta and Mario and Karina are all safe. No big shock there – they’re the 2 strongest guys by far.

We then get to see a montage of interview clips from the contestants in regards to their feelings about “double-elimination”. Ok – seriously – the producers are stretching this shit out way too far. It’s bad enough we have to sit through an hour just to hear 2 names announced. These elimination shows could be done in under a minute. Thank God for Tivo or (if you just read the recaps) ME!

Monica says she wants to stay on the show because she loves all the “girly stuff”.

Like when they try to paint over her hump.

And then there’s a really sad clip in which Jason talks about moving his wife and kids to LA for the taping – followed by a clip of this:

Oh “Dancing with the Stars” – thou shalt be called “Extreme Home Wrecker”.

I actually laughed out loud when the Gut said “I put everything in my life on hold.” Like what Steve?! I’m guessing that “everything” is pretty much just shows that need to be “tivo’d”. And you can still hold yourself and cry during the competition – so you’re not missing much.

Mario calls it “cruel” that someone has to go home. WHAT?!? How far removed from reality is this reality show?! Come on people! Get a grip! Worse case scenario is you have to return to your regular lives. Oh. Ooooohh. Yeah – that’s pretty shitty. Nevermind! FEAR FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

Back to Tom and Samantha – we find out that Adam and Julianne are the next safe couple. Now it’s between Penn and Cristian. Len says Cristian is good to stay until the finals. Carrie calls Penn large – I think that says it all.

Tom finally announces that Penn is the guy going home!!! HOOOORAY!!!!! No surprise there. However Teller looks like he’s going to off himself at the thought of returning to work with this guy. Penn says he’s going to soldier on and perform in the parking lot next week. Awesome! For his next trick he can turn into a speed bump! At least Kym’s toes can begin the healing process.

Next up we have the women’s elimination round! During the clips Marlee refers to herself as the “deaf broad”. LOVE HER!!!!!!! That is awesome. Now if only we can get MJW to refer to herself as “Chubbers”.

Tom and Samantha then reveal that the first couple safe is Shannon and Derek. Then they go to season 5′s Cameron Mathison’s for a segment of fan interviews.

Cameron also proves that your dignity never returns after being on “Dancing with the Stars”.

One of the fans comments that she loves Priscilla being on the show to “represent senior citizens” – hahahahah! Love it! However this lady goes on to do a little dance. At first I get a fork all ready to claw my eyes out – and then – what’s this!? The lady can totally groove! She fucking pop locks!

PRI’S GOT COMPETITION! SAY WHAT?!?

This lady’s got the hots for Jason Taylor:

Jonas Brothers take note. This is what one of you will look like in 10 years. It happened to Nick Carter – it’ll happen to you.

Cameron then goes on to backhand some girl that questioned whether or not he’s been working out.

Jaques Hyme’s dancers then perform an aerial dance. Two people hang from the ceiling in a tangled up bed sheet. So much for doing it with the lights on being considered kinky. Then there’s a spinning, flying ball that everyone’s flying around on. I get totally tripped out when a couple starts flying around on invisible wires. I think there’s wires involved. Otherwise they must have stumbled upon Guttenberg’s meds.

The performance is kind of all over the place HOWEVER there are a couple of dance moves that put the “Dancing with the Stars” dancers to shame. Like this one:

This guy THREW the girl into the air where she did a flip and he caught her. WHAT?!? If Penn did that she would’ve never come back down. By choice probably.

Ugh – more of the Jonas Brothers. OMG. They’re SO BAD! Whiny voices cracking all over the place!! Shit! I’d rather watch Penn dance again. Or maybe he could just pile all three of these kids into that slicing machine from the night before. And the trannie kid barely moves his lips when he sings! Who taught him how to move his mouth when he sings – Priscilla?! However I do think it’s hysterical that they give the ugliest brother as little face time as possible. He’ll be thankful 10 years from now when he wants to pretend this whole thing never happened.

Luckily Cheryl and Louis show up with a kick ass dance number. It helps me choke down this number just a little bit. It finally ends – and not soon enough. AWFUL.

Samantha is backstage with a giddy Shannon and Adam – newly renewed. Adam makes a comment about Shannon and Derek being Stepford siblings – because they’re both hot. Jimmy Kimmel is going to spin into a jealous rage when he finds out Adam’s hitting on another man.

Tom then reveals that Marlee & Fabian and Kristi & Mark are the next safe couples. It gets narrowed down to Monica, MJW and Pricilla. Tom announces that the next safe couple is Pricilla and Louis. Keep chugging that Ensure, Pri!

The judges give their last thoughts on MJW and Monica. Len compliments MJW on her enthusiasm and Bruno says— oh – not enough time – Tom cuts him off. Time management people! Tom announces that… Monica and Jonathon are going home!!! Get ready for the tears!! But wait – what’s this?!?

A SMILE!! Roboto finally learned to smile!!! All is not lost!!! “Dancing with the Stars” really does make the world a better place!!!

We leave everyone as the axed couples slow dance very awkwardly. Sad, sweet and tragic. I love this show.

So what’s everyone think?! Who’s gonna take the lead Monday night? Will the Yamaguchinator still rule?! Will Guttenberg become the next Penn?! Will Chubbers show everyone up with a triple salchow?! Or just chow chow?! DISH IT