So You Think You Can Dance: Clothing and Talent Optional

Hollah party people! It’s time for So You Think You Can Dance!!!! It’s bBitz here and I couldn’t be more excited! I LOVE THIS SHOW. I’ve watched every season, attempted every dance move I’ve ever seen on it (most resulting in broken furniture and hospital stays) and fallen in love with every SYTYCD dancer – except Benji – he totally got on my nerves the moment he won. Let’s get this party started – I know I’m a little behind with the recaps – please forgive – I’ll be bringing them like Mia Michaels in no time – hot and heavy! HEY!

The season starts out with our favorite sass-tastic Brit, Cat Deeley! I have to admit – she drives me a little crazy – but I met her once and she’s actually really nice. I’ll see how long I can last without turning on her like I did Useless Samantha on that other dance show. USELESS!

Cat starts off by reminiscing about the last 3 years and the winners – Season 1: Nick (YEAH!), Season 2: Benji (Travis was robbed!) and Season 3: Sabra (YEAH!). She then introduces the best montage ever of what we have to look forward to this season. I peed myself for 4 minutes straight.

Oh where, oh where to start a show off that takes the talents and flaws of fame-seekers and exploits them for TV!?!? LOS ANGELES! There’s a giant line outside the Orpheum theatre and I can’t even imagine how long the people at the front have been waiting there. Probably since the time Nigel got up to do his hair.

Next the judges are introduced! Nigel Lythgoe (American Idol puppetmaster), Mary Murphy (Bizarro Marie Osmond) and Mia Michaels:

Whoa girl! A nighty and a ski cap is NOT flattering. I say Brrrr – it’s cold in here!

However, she did win a friggin’ Emmy for choreographing that FANTASTIC dance number on the bench with Travis and Heidi. For those of you who don’t know her – she’s kind of like the Paula of this show – she constantly “sees people’s spirit” and then bursts into tears.

Cat gives us the DL on how things work – contestants either get a ticket to Vegas (Good!), sent home (Bad!) or passed to the choreography level where the judges finally decide – yay or nay.

I find it very interesting that it looks like all the contestants get to audition for the judges. Is that true?! Cause I know on American Idol they have to go through 1 or 2 rounds before making it to the holy trinity. Has anyone out there ever auditioned for SYTYCD?!

First dancer of the season – Devon! Music starts and…. she just stands there. Facing the wall. Forever.

If child-like hand prints start appearing on the wall in the back I’m so fucking out of here.

Turns out they had the wrong music playing. Really!? Really SYTYCD?!? We’re gonna start out the season with technical difficulties?! OY!

Devon goes on the perform a gorgeous number and the judges eat her up. Mia says she can’t wait to choreograph for her because it’ll be “Stupid. You’ll be stupid. Really stupid.” Yikes. I would’ve said being 40 and talking like a teen-thug was…well…stupid.

And then comes the Italian Stallion:

To be fair this is how I open a can of soup – so really it’s no biggie.

His name is Jonathon Pepperoni (or something that sounded like that) and he’s from Italy. I’m sure the producers just about creamed themselves when they found this kid in line. I’m pretty sure the words “PLEASE GOD LET THIS BE THE NEXT NEIL” were uttered a few times. Jonathon tells us he is a professional dancer. Right. Of what variety!? Like Mikhail Baryshnikov?

Oh – ok. More like the David Hernandez variety. (And PS – how funny would it have been if they made the “DANCE” really small?)

Jonathon also lays the Italian machismo so hard on Cat that I feel sorry for a reality show host for the first time EVER. She totally just holds her ground and point blank says “Is this you being Italian at this precise moment?” British and dry!! LOVE HER!!!!

Finally, after 10 minutes of build up it’s time for his audition. To which he does a poor MJ impersonation and then at the very end a really good break dance move – that I’m pretty sure he’s used to doing with nothing but a banana hammock on – or maybe a bedazzled Italian flag over his junk. You get the idea. The best part is when he rubs his nipple you hear Mary mutter “Ahhh geeez…” INDEED!

Nigel asks Mia if she thinks he’ll be successful in America and she responds, “Not very sex— successful!” FREUDIAN SLIP! How embarrassing! And physically impossible. She woulda maka pizza outta him!

Mia and Mary tell him he’s cute but has no talent – and he tries to leave early but Nigel reprimands him for being arrogant and smug. Nigel continues to berate him and then asks him to stay for the choreography – I’m guessing he’s praying this guy is teachable so the little bastard can hang around naked more and boost the ratings. Personally I think it’d be best for everyone involved if he just silently stood shirtless next to the judges for the rest of the season. WHAT?! Oh come on! It’d make it so much easier to listen to Nigel!

Next up – heeeeeeeee’s back! It’s “SEX” from seasons 2 and 3! Thus proving you can, in fact, have enough Sex.

Meet America’s new spokes-family for celibacy.

Cat interviews Sex – and can we just talk about something?

What’s up with Cat’s Oprah moment’s on the staircase this season? Isn’t she suppose to be jumping up and down outside the theatre doors and asking rhetorical questions a la Ryan Seacrest?!

Sex finally has his chance on the stage and makes a complete sweaty mess of himself as Sex only can:

I love it when he runs around the stage flailing his arms to get an imaginary crowd all psyched. I can only hope at least the voices in his head are cheering him on.

After he performs, Sex just walks off-stage. Most anti-climatic finale ever. Mia nails him for having no growth. But then says she’d miss him if he didn’t come every year. Awww! I agree! It really is the only time Mia gets Sex.

Sex says he has many, many years of extensive training with masters of dance. Wow. There should seriously be a study on this guy to see if he really believes this shit or if he goes home happy knowing after this season he’s accumulated more than his 15 minutes of fame. Although I feel like after 15 minutes of this Sex, we all come out dirty and possibly with Hep A.

Nigel berates him (of course) and calls him his real name, David. (I totally thought he’d shriek and melt when his real name was used!) Sex leaves – unsatisfied. Side note – Does anyone else think it’s entirely hypocritical for Nigel to berate him when you know he eats this shit up and uses it for a whole ten minute segment?!

OY! So when are we gonna get to see some REAL talent this season! Oh wait – this girl looks promising…

Oh but hold on… she’s blind. Yup. Blind. Well… we could always hope she could do for this show what Marlee Matlin did for “Dancing with the Stars”!

And soon after she begins her dance we realize that – although she gives a great effort – she’s not making the cut. Really sweet girl though. And it WAS a nice segment until Bawling McCryerson (Mia) babbles on about how much she loves her. Ugh.

At least the girl can’t see this skicap-wearing sob-fest of a mess. Debbie Downer!

On to better dance and more uplifting segments:

Twitch is back! Don’t be skered!

Nigel tells him he’ll kick his ass if he doesn’t make it to Vegas. For those of you who forget – Twitch just missed the cut last year – lovable Hok beat him out.

Twitch performs the most mind-bending shit I’ve seen on stage in a long time. He literally detaches his head at one point I think.

He should talk to Sex about giving good head… dances.

The judges go crazy. Mia says it gives her “stank face”:

This is stank face. She’s pointing at what’s stinky. Don’t let it happen to you.

Luckily for Twitch – he’s spared the world’s pissiest ass-kicking from Nigel and they give him a ticket to Vegas.

Next up, Hamilton:

Thanks Hamilton! I wondered what I was going to do with this appetite I’ve had my whole life. I’ll never have to worry about it again.

Next, Irina from Russia gives us a perfect idea of what Lindsey Lohan’s gonna look like in 20 years:

I think I know where they hid Hoffa’s body.

Irina tells us that she left a rich man to search for happiness. Unfortunately it won’t be on this stage. Unless happiness is a pissy Brit and two mentally unstable dance queens. She gets a “No” but leaves with the most poise and dignity I’ve ever seen in a contestant – especially after they showed the world their choch.

Next up – another returning contestant, Phillip, who made it to Vegas last year. Like Twitch, Phil does some crazy-ass robot hip-hoppin’ pop and lock shit. The judges love it and pass him on to choreography.

William from Nashville is up and he’s one of the only people I’ve seen warming up. And then his “music” starts – and uhhhh – it’s “cool” – no really – the song is just spoken word about what people think is “cool”. VERY gutsy. I liked it – although I think maybe a little song would’ve been good. It’s a very political bit so maybe something from Miley Cyrus could’ve lightened it up.

Nigel gives him a lecture (I’m seeing a pattern here – it’s like Dr. Phil meets Dance Show). But then they decide to keep him around for the choreography.

And for the final solo audition of the day: Rijiy:

Who apparently thinks it’s necessary to audition, not just in his undies – but in his tighty-whities.

WTF people?!? In the words of Elizabeth Berkley, just step it up and dance! Rijiy flits around the stage in his skundies. So gross. All I can think of is how he rolled around on the floor and I’m so happy no one has to go after him. I hope they bleach the floors.

We’re at the end of day one and it’s time for the choreography level. Dancers are taught choreography by none other than past “Dance” contestant:

Travis (Travith) Wall! Awww – now we know what happens to the runner-ups.

I love watching the train-wreck that is choreography. Everyone’s bumping into each other in a frantic panic trying to figure out wtf to do. And that’s this show in a nutshell. LOVE IT!

It turns out that although Jonathon (Lil Italian Stallion) is a looker – he is not a dancer. They send him packing and in turn he tries to talk the cameras into following him home. No one wants to see your house of mirrors Jonathon. Move along.

Many other people do make it however – and I’m really looking forward to seeing them dance. The shitty/entertaining dancers bore me after the first 20 minutes.

Day 2 begins! Erica starts us off for the day – it’s her 3rd try. Let’s hope the 3rd times a charm – otherwise – well – let’s hope she types a mean WPM.

Mia loves her and says she’s glad Erica isn’t all over the place like she was last year. Mary loved it too. This makes Erica cry. Which makes the Mary cry. Which makes Mia cry. Which makes Jesus cry. I’m just guessing.

Next up – our first couple of the season! Leonidas and Aliona!

“Oh! What’s that I see popping out?” “That is my hip. Please call 911.”

The judges love them and pass them on to Vegas. Nigel also tells Aliona she gives him permanent wood (in so many words). Ick.

How can anyone ever follow that couple?! Let’s start with the disaster called Randy Lewis:

Please finish taking a crap in your pants and give Nigel his shirt back.

Nigel dislikes his funny face as well and…

While mimicking it – he shows us what his face looked like when Paula told Jason Castro she loved his second song.

Several other dancers audition. One of favorites was Victor Kim. Who kicked ass:

WHAT?!?! CRAZY!!! I mean – whatever though – I usually do this with ONE hand.

In the mean time – who showed up out of nowhere?!? Hok and Dominic from last season!

Ok – I guess Travis has it made – since these two seem to be “SYTYCD” groupies now. Be afraid new contestants. And have another job to fall back on when this is over.

Up next, another golden oldie – creepy/weird mask guy – you remember:

The one that looks like a skinny gay Power Ranger.

This kid does some ridiculous step dancing crap called “Belgian Jump Style”. It’s pretty lame. The judges are a “no” all the way around. I think it’s harsh. I can totally see him becoming America’s favorite dancer. And then when he wins the contest he could rip off his mask to reveal Kristi Yamaguchi!

Yellow helmet guy finally leaves and says “They’ll regret it” in a way that could only mean heightened-security at future auditions.

Up next, Kherington Payne – the “aggressive” soccer player who’s a “girly-girl” who likes to get “beautified”. Ugh. Thanks for making me feel old “SYTYCD” – I avoid “The Hills” like the plague and then it rears it’s ugly head on my favorite dance show!

She actually dances really well and Nigel even notices how the leering Dominic loves her:

Hey Dominic! How many times has Travith tried to tickle your bum up there?! (Thought so.)

And for the grand finale of the day – we have Robert Muraine! OH MY GOD!!! Friggin’ kid is an elastic banded Gumbi with the pop-lock skills of God, if he was into pop lockin’.

Apparently detached heads and morbid flexibility are big in ’08.

Mia says she’s waiting for him to unzip his skin. I think that means she’s thinking about skinning and eating him alive. I could be wrong though. But I swear she mentioned a marinade at some point.

Robert snags a ticket to Vegas. But sadly, Victor does not. Boo! He did a upside down push up people! Come on!

We then get to see a happy montage of all the people who made it to Vegas. Doesn’t look like we have any Neils so far. Sigh. Keep your fingers crossed!

And that’s it! What did everyone think of the first episode?!?! What are your thoughts on Cat’s new stairway chats? Do you think clothing should be optional but ski-caps be forbidden in auditions?! And most importantly, has the Sex gotten any better since last season?! DISH IT!