So You Think You Can Dance: The Stars At Night Are Big But Not Bright

Cat intro’s and tells us there’s a BIG dance scene at this new city they’re auditioning at! WOW! Is it Miami?! Chicago?! Nope. It’s Salt Lake City. Oy. Get ready for a lot of caffeine-free polygamist dancers… ladies and gentlemen – it’s So You Think You Can Dance!

Of course being at the foot of the Rockies in the winter is snowing like crazy. But Cat keeps everyone warm by dancing down the line of people waiting to get in…

And we find out for the first time ever she can’t dance for shit. Adorable though! She totally reminds me of someone else…

Janice from the Muppets!

Our guest judge for Salt Lake City is Mandy Moore – the choreographer not the one from “A Walk to Remember” that I’d like to forget. Mandy was the one who choreographed the Table Dance with Neil and Sabra – which was faaaaaaaaantastic!!!! So I love her – even though she needs a makeover in the worst way.

Our first contestant is Chelsea hailing all the way from… Utah. And there’s a big surprise folks… wait for it… she comes from a huge family! Chelsea tells us her family went through some hard times – they lost their home and several cars at one point…

I’m guessing it had something to do with gambling.

Chelsea’s story is actually quite sweet – her brothers helped pay for her dance classes. Hope she’s good – cause with 5 brothers and one girl – payback in Mormon country is a real bitch.

Luckily for her she is a phenomenal dancer. Spinning all about. Nigel gives her high praise for giving good facial expressions. And just like that she’s got a ticket to Vegas.

Next up is Brett who has Down Syndrome. He says he’s there to teach everyone that people with disabilities are just the same as everyone else. Sweet Brett – you are entirely wrong. Coming from someone who’s watched thousands of hours of the parade of assholes that is television – I can say that you are in fact a much better person than many, many people. Don’t sell yourself short. I mean seriously – have you seen “Sex”?!

Brett hits the stage and busts out a funky little mix of karate (his favorite sport) and hip-hop. Nigel applauds him for his musicality (usually I feel like this is a cheap compliment but it’s really true here). Unfortunately Brett didn’t have the technique needed to move on – but he certainly exceeded his purpose of coming to the audition. Yeah Brett!

Next up, Michael, a Native American who also comes from a gigantic family. I love this shot of his little niece:

“This is bullshit. I bet Pocahontas never had to shovel the fucking driveway.”

Michael’s family is also part of a Native American dance troupe. So clearly – the expectations are astronomical. He dances and his audition is very “Dances with Spastic Energy”. Although when the judges critique him he’s very critical of himself. Nigel seemed relieved that he didn’t have to be the one to crush someone’s dream for once. He did it himself. Done and done!

Richard from Utah can’t dance for shit and the best part is when Nigel glares at the audience for clapping for him. When Richard says he forgot the “pops”, Nigel makes a comment that there’s more “pops” in his breakfast cereal. I knew Nigel was a Rice Krispies fan – now if only we can find out – boxers or briefs. Ick.

One of my favorite moments:

SMACK!!! Mary: “Was that a joke or was that for real? Uh oh – that was for real.”

Another highlight was when Cat fell on her ass in the snow. She laughs and asks if it was on camera. And DAMN THE CAMERA MAN for not getting a shot of it!

Next up, Gev from Utah is an ice skater/break dancer. You don’t hear that very often. A man of both worlds. He’s like the Tila Tequila of dance. Gev goes on to perform a kickass routine and is passed on to choreography.

Lindsey from Utah is a dancer who makes Nigel exclaim:

“Great face!” Really?! Because she kind of looks like she’s giving you stink-eye. Or like she’s in a constant state of “About to kill you…”

Ha! Then Nigel comments that she has to beware of making her eyes too wide! HA! I swear I didn’t know that was coming! Mandy says she looks a bit one-dimensional and Lindsey promptly vaporizes her with a glare.

Lindsey also helps to settle an debate I had with friends while watching – Are those tickets to Vegas real airline vouchers?!

FAKE TICKET! Clearly since it’s a ticket for “SYTYCD Airlines” with a big “DANCE” on it. However it would be funny to be on a flight with Mary Murphy as your flight attendant. Although I’m sure that’s not out of the realm of possibility one day. “Coffee, tea or HOT TAMALE!!?!? AHHHHH… kill me.”

Next there’s a little montage about contestants being married and/or having kids – and this guy – who has 7 kids…

And then he can’t remember all of their names. Seriously?! That might be a good indication to STOP popping out kids when you can’t remember their names! He can’t remember 3 of them – I’m gonna guess that their names are “Oops”, “Drunk” and “Broken Condom”.

Next up is Nicole who has 4 kids. She runs us through her everyday job of being a super mom…

Which apparently inculdes letting her infant’s head drop and bounce on the floor. Don’t worry kid – I have a feeling you won’t want to remember this either.

Nicole then auditions. She’s a sweet girl who gives it her all. Unfortunately her “all” includes this snazzy pose:

“Come on vogue!” On second thought… please don’t.

I also loved that Nicole’s chosen song was “I Gotta Get Through This”. Yup. That pretty much sums it up for everyone involved. However she’s really nice – and the judges are kind when they send her packing.

Next up, Kelli Baker. Who was in “High School Musical”! OMG! She knows Zac Efron! EEEEEE!!!! Oy. Kelli tells us her mom is Bonnie Storey and she’s “actually kind of a big deal.” UGH!!!! That is quite possibly the WORST way to introduce someone EVER!!!!! There’s something that makes me immediately wretch when that phrase is used. Only I, my readers and US Weekly will be the judge of who is and isn’t a “big deal” thank you very much.

Oh. Bonnie won an Emmy. Sheesh. Fine. That’s kind of a big deal. But Susan Lucci won an Emmy after 17 tries so it’s not that big of a deal.

Kelli auditions and of course it’s amazing. After her dance Nigel asks what her mom does and Kelli replies:

“She’s a choreographer.” With the same facetious tone of “She’s kind of a big deal.” UUUUGH. She choreographed “HSM” – not “Swan Lake” or a Madonna concert for shit’s sake.

We finally move on to the end of the day where it’s time for the “sort-of goods” to be put to the test. Zev, our hip-hopping ice-skater dude is there and actually does a pretty good job. After mind-fucking him a bit (“Would you come back next year?”)- Nigel finally gives him his ticket to Vegas along with a handful of others. It looks like they’re really being a lot stricter this year than in the past – which is great!

Day two starts with Naomi from Salt Lake City who’s an actor, dancer and financial advisor – ooohh – triple threat! She tells us she’s been in independent films.

Sweetie, films that you and your boyfriend make with a camcorder, bad lighting and a safety-word are not considered “independent films”.

Naomi says that she once played a warrior during “post-apolyptical” times who “wasn’t that bright.” Sometimes these people just write this for me.

Naomi goes on to rock out to some heavy metal songs while dancing like a spastic Teletubby. She tells Nigel she was doing “kind of a jazz thing” and she was having “a problem with the floor”. Meanwhile the floor responded by saying “F-U lady – I had all I could do to hold your dumb-warrior-ass up! PS – Cut your toenails.”

Mary totally goes ape-shit on her – accusing her of wasting everyone’s time. And Mandy asks if they’re being punk’d. I’m pretty sure when Naomi goes home tonight she’s going to a) cut herself b) add these 3 judges to her “When I finally lose it…” list and c) Advise someone to diversify their portfolio while wearing warrior make-up and a ball-gag. I’m just saying.

This segment starts a montage of the judges crushing dreams and people crying that they’re giving up and pursuing “Plan B” of their lives. Which, although awful to see, is probably best for everyone involved. As my father always told me – “The world needs ditch-diggers too.” As you can see – he still has his fingers crossed.

Next up is Ryann who is a DJ at a strip club. He dated one of the female dancers there and comments “It’s not easy being a couple at a strip club.” Wiser words have never been uttered. And sadly she already left him. Don’t worry Ryann – there’s plenty more where she came from – with any luck – you’re going to Vegas!

Ryann auditions and he’s pretty good:

But he kind of looks like a hip-hopping Wookie. OOhh! I wonder if he can do the Wookie-sound like Neil did.

Matt from Salt Lake City looks to be one of the first real promising guys from Utah:

And by promising I mean he can hit the “Flight Attendant” button with his toe while seated on an airplane.

Next up – blonde-ambition pseudo-twins Kortney and Michelle came to the audition together. They do every together – dance, teach, get married at the same time – aaaand get divorced at the same time. Ouch.

Kortney’s up first and does a sensual dance a la scarf and jeans:

Umm… Are you auditioning to be on “SYTYCD” or to be the new Bratz doll?

The judges think it’s the first option so they move her on to the choreography test.

Gal pal Michelle is next and she’s a little better – well – at least she isn’t in winter-wear anyways. Although she’s wearing slippery socks and is sliding all over the place. Nigel compliments her on her upper body. Ew gross. Keep the eyes up Nigel.

It’s the end of the day and time for 30 minutes (isn’t that insane!? 30 minutes?!) of choreography from old-timer Travis Wall. Michelle gets passed right through to Vegas and after getting a scarf-lashing (Nigel says she looks like Miss Piggy with it!! WTF?!) – gal pal Kortney gets a ticket too!

Ryann the strip club DJ crashed and burned – BUT the judges decide to give him a chance at all those Vegas showgirls and give him a ticket anyways. Can I get a “ROWLRLLRRRR”?!?

And on that Wookie-note – we’re off to Texas! Where the stars at night are big and…

…freezing their asses off. I have to give them credit, I would have said “Fuck this I’m cold” and beat it after about .2 seconds.

The guest judge for Dallas is Adam Shankman! Who I love – he’s a funny little wise-ass and director of the PHENOMENAL “Hairspray”! LOVED it!

First up from the Lonestar state – a real loner – Brian Davidson. He tells us the judges should expect to see “whatever the music makes him feel”. Translation: He didn’t choreograph shit. This should be fantastic! Brian seems like the kind of guy that had to stop giving a shit about everything a long time ago so that he could fully morph into the biggest loser possible. Congrats!

Wrong stage buddy… “The Biggest Loser” auditions are down the hall on the left. Send “Sex” our regards.

There’s several things that happen that truly make Brian one of the worst auditioners ever but two moments stand out the best – when he impersonates Nigel and uses a Russian accent and…

When he bitches about not having the fluidity of the other dancers while 2 security guards stand by waiting to drag his ass off. Thanks for playing!

Chad is up next and he is a full contact wrestler, teaches country-western, hip-hop and ballroom. WHAT??! Looks like variety is the spice-of-life this season! Sadly, he tears his hamstring while rehearsing:

“I took Viagra 6 hours ago and it’s still like this!!”

Chad’s a trooper though and decides to audition anyways. And it’s just as painful to watch as I’m sure it was for him to perform. Lot of heart – little talent – not much brains. But let’s give him a hand kids!

Speaking of being short on brains – up next is Paige from Dallas! Who is what I would imagine would become of Barbie if she ever became a real girl and moved to Texas. Paige’s whole apt is pink and perfect. It’s the kind of perfect little apartment that makes you wonder…

How many tupperware containers filled with barf are behind that curtain? I’m just saying.

Paige is also a “pageant girl” (NOOO!! REALLY?!!?). Cat asks her what type of things are important in a pageant and Einstein has to rack her brain to think of the only three – interviews, swimsuit and evening gown. Oy. Her coach, a former Miss Tennessee, tells us she’ll be perfect for pageants. Indeed. Please keep her there.

She auditions and bee-bops her sunshiney smile and rhinestoned boobies all about the stage. The judges think she’s cute enough but too cookie-cutter – however they’ll let her give the choreography a whirl.

Next up is Joshua who is a KICK-ASS dancer – at one point he jumps like 12 feet in their air. He’s quickly put through to choreography.

Cassidy from Fort Worth is an ex-cheerleader who’s now into Hip-Hop. Ooohh rebel! She auditions and thrusts around the stage like a convulsing well… BAD cheerleader. I’m guessing the squad like, totally kicked her out for putting the “RAP” in CRAP.

Next up, Brianna from Dallas…

Who starts her audition by interpreting how we’re gonna feel about it.

The ONLY good thing to come out of her audition is Nigel’s BEST line of the season so far (perhaps ever), he says, “She looks like a bored stripper!” HAHAHAHAHA!!!! FUCKING AWESOME.

There’s also a “Kayleigh” that auditions. Ugh. The only thing I’m getting out of Texas is that if their name is all funky – it’s going to be the most interesting thing about them.

Next up, Arielle and her boyfriend, John. She’s a beautiful dancer and he’s kind-of-ok. Nigel calls it “Beauty and the Beast”. He’s really on his A game today. They send Arielle to Vegas and John to choreography. I’m pretty sure she dumped him halfway across the stage as they left.

And now a highlight! Steven from Forest Hills, TX gives us a dance with a CHAIR in it! OOOOHHH!! Now that’s thinking! Only him and every stripper before him has ever though to use a CHAIR! If he sits in it I’m gonna LOSE IT! He never does though – but I love him because…

He’s the leader of the club that’s made for you and me! S-T-E…V-E-N…M-O-U-S-E!!!

What ensues is something out of a Jerry Springer episode. The judges tell Steven he sucks (rightfully so) and then he gets all crazy and calls Mary a “DANCE” (bleeped out) and then Mary lets him have it Mary-style – afterwards she turns and says “Call me a “DANCE” will you!” Oh giirrrllll!!! I really wanted to see her Bizarro-Marie Osmond ass go crazy on him but they have her chained to that table for a reason.

Lastly comes the choreography test. John (Arielle’s BF) gets sent packing but Paige gets her ticket to Sin City. Ugh. All in all – 38 people are being sent to Vegas from Texas – pretty stellar.

Dear Vegas, You’re gonna want to stock up on tanner and peroxide. Cheers, bBitz

And that’s it for episode 2! What did everyone think?! Too much drama?! Too many blondes?! Not enough people being hauled out by security?!? I want to hear it! Tell me what was a “BIG DEAL” aaaand DISH IT!