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Tuesday, September 12, 2006
3:55 pm
23 Comments
Late last week, we here at TVgasm decided to prematurely endorse Joey Lawrence as our fleet-footed mascot for the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars, premiering tonight. Sure, there were dissenting voices, but let’s keep it real now. It’s all about Joey “The Joseph” Lawrence. With his head freshly Chiklis-ed, he’s ready to take on even the most demanding of paso dobles. And let’s not forget his partner Edyta Sllwinska, a two-time alum who’s had to endure the Holyfield-Hamilton double whammy. These two are ready to take the dance floor by storm, and nobody’s gonna stop them! Why? Our reasons after the jump!
Tucker Carlson with Elena Grinenko
Seriously. It’s Tucker Carlson. So he wears a bowtie a lot? Big deal! Joey Lawrence is bald now and looks forty-five! Try that one on for size, Tucker Carl-suck! His glory days ended about one second before John Stewart called him a dick on CNN. His inner-shame will surely compromise his fancy footwork. Giselle Fernandez he is not. Goner.
That’s so kind of like Raven.
Monique Coleman with Louis Van Amstel Lite
I don’t know much about Monique Coleman except that she’s apparently a teen idol thanks to her role in the Disney cultural phenomenon, High School Musical. I guess this predisposes her to some nifty dancing skills, and if she’s prone to spazzing out, her partner Louis Van Amstel has had plenty experience taming the wild beast that is Lisa Rinna. Still, Monique simply can’t beat Joey Lawrence because last time I checked, she wasn’t bald. And Joey Lawrence is. Advantage: Joey Lawrence.
Sara Evans with Tony Dovolani
Sara’s claim to fame is that she’s apparently a country star and “top-selling singing sensation.” She’s dancing with Tony Dovolani, which means she has to fill the mighty shoes of Stacy Keibler. Of course, since Sara is neither blonde nor leggy, she will fail miserably in this task. Boo!
Willa Ford with Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Okay, the fact that Willa Ford even qualifies for this show is mildly upsetting. Last time I checked, she had one tiny blip of a song that penetrated the charts for about two weeks before she disappeared forever. Oh, and she used to date Nick Carter. Her bio says she’s the self-professed “bad girl of pop,” although we like to call her the “Wait? Who is she again? girl of pop.” Sorry, Willa fans. All I’m saying is that she’s no Hoku. At least we know who Joey Lawrence is! Smell ya later, Willa “Not Cather” Ford.
Ms. Vivica A. Fox with Nick Kosovich
I don’t know what Vivica will bring to the table, but I imagine it will be something between Tia Carrere and Lisa Rinna. Either way, I’m sure she’ll be a handful (unlike Joey, who will be the perfect gentleman). Vivica will most likely be a diva on the dance floor, but after spending last season in the arms of one Tatum O’Neal, I’m sure Nick Kosovich will do just fine with his Independence Day star. Unfortunately, no 50 Cent means no vote. Joey shall crush her!
Harry Hamlin with Ashly DelGrosso
Sure, Ashly may be a fan favorite, and sure, Harry has a built in audience thanks to wife Lisa Rinna, but we say FEH! Joey Lawrence has a time-honored catchphrase in the word “Whoa,” and if Mr. LA Law thinks he can top that, he’s got another thing coming. Hope Harry enjoys sympathy votes because that’s all he’s gonna get.
Mario Lopez with Karina Smirnoff
Okay, the big question: will Mario Lopez be able to overthrow Joey Lawrence? Yes, he has a well-documented history of magnificent dancing, but consider this: he rose to fame on NBC, he currently stars on a CBS soap opera (Bold and the Beautiful), and he once portrayed Greg Louganis in a TV movie. Two rival networks and one gay portrayal? Yeah, that won’t fly long on ABC. Oh, and let’s not overlook his partner’s last name: Smirnoff. You know what that means: DRUNKARD. No chance whatsoever.
Shanna Moakler with Jesse DeSoto
Known affably to most audiences as “That botoxed crazy wife from Meet The Barkers,” Shanna will probably be the Tatum O’Neal of season three. And that’s not a good thing (at least for her trophy chances. It’s awesome for the viewers though).
Emmitt Smith with Cheryl Burke
What better way to follow in Jerry Rice’s footsteps than by sticking us with NFL great Emmitt Smith? I can’t imagine him being as limber as Jerry (who, let’s face it, didn’t deserve to be top three), but he’ll probably be better than Evander Holyfield. Emmitt’s got an ace up his sleeve with Cheryl Burke, who, by the way, just happens to be one half of the reigning championship team. Emmitt’s also bald, like Joey, but we think that when push comes to chaîné, the Blossom star will win out. Because he’s AWESOME.
Jerry Springer Kym Johnson
The only thing noteworthy about this duo is that Kym spells her name K-Y-M, which is really dumb. Not even a threat to Joey.
So as you can see, our airtight arguments have demonstrated that Joey Lawrence will undoubtedly win this competition. No question in our minds.
But on the off chance that you are not swayed by our presentation, who do you think is the early favorite to go all the way?
23 Comments
You bastards, Jerry’s going to take this one all the way to the bank… when he picks up some new cheques to pay for callgirls. But he’s still going to kick JoeAin’ts ass!
haha. GOOD LUCK JOEY!
he’ll need it, i didnt realize he was paired up with STALIN.
WHOA!
Sara not leggy? This just proves that everyone at TVGasm is gay!
What the hell happened to Lisa Rinna hosting? We have to put up with that stupid bitch from last season who can’t read cue cards or do anything spontaneously…? Jeez.
First of all, is Tucker Carlson wearing white nail polish? Second, having lookalikes Louis and Harry BOTH on this show is going to be very confusing for me. Finally, who does Maksim’s hair? And does it move when he dances or just stay in that stiff-sleek-Euro-mullet shape? (Oh, and I like Ashly and Harry’s chances.)
Actually, I think Joey Lawrence looks more like Daddy Warbucks than Michael Chiklis.
Oh my god. Tucker Carlson looks, well, he almost looks, well, *Hott*.
But he’s no Joey!
All I know is that those Dancing with the Stars chicks have HOT legs.
“All I’m saying is that she’s no Hoku.”
I heart you B-Side. I think I laughed for ten minutes when I saw that. It was so funny that I’m admitting to knowing who Hoku is, myself, so I can tell you how funny it is.
I think Mario “I lied and claimed I have no dance training or experience” Lopez has a shot. But, Emmitt Smith is my favorite, by far.
I think IM gonna have to go with Mario on this one. Is it just me or does Harry Hamlin’s head look wider than his body?
I’m just wondering how Britney got on as Harry Hamlin’s partner.
Monique Coleman with Louis Van Amstel Lite — Amstel Lite haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Joey looks like daddy warbucks
I love that you are rooting for Joey Lawrence!
I have always had a special place in my heart for him since GIMME A BREAK.
I want Joey of course to win it all.
“WHOA”
It’s a toss up between Joey and Mario. Emmitt will get far but it’s doubtful he will win. Enjoyed their dances but the real stars of this show are the judges.
I hope that Vivica gets far and that Harry learns to dance enough before he gets thrown off to partner with Lisa.
Does anybody else find that Kym is an ugly Stacy Keibler?
I don’t know who Joey Lawrence is trying to fool with that cue ball and tough-guy glare. I still remember your music video, JOE, and so does the rest of my generation!
ummm… I still watch Saved by the Bell everyday during breakfast — and I’m old! Mario is taking this… have you not seen the ballet episode? hello?
Joey premiered his baldness as the boss on some UPN sitcom whose name I can’t recall. On that show they put him in shirts that made it obvious he has seriously been lifting weights. He looked so different it took me ages to figure out why his voice was so familiar.
EMMETT SMITH .. then Jerry Springer, but only b/c he went to my college.
Um, AC Slater for the win! Although the Daddy Warbucks look is interesting, no one will ever win my heart away from Saved By the Bell!
Based on last night’s show, it’s Mario Lopez’s contest to lose. That boy can MOVE! And in a very spicy way. I admit I missed Joey’s performance last night, and I do have a soft spot for him, but the skinhead look just does not do it for me. He looks like a child molester. Give me back those wavy brown locks from the Blossom years, and we’ll talk.
Joey looks creepy with that bald head
What!? Sara Evans not blond or leggy? She may not be blond, but she’s VERY pretty. She may not show them very often, but Sara has some of the sexiest legs out there. As posted earlier, perhaps some people around here aren’t in to girls too much!
Anyway, she may not be able to dance well enough to stay on the show for much longer, but she is one fine look’n looser!
I am so sad to see ms. fox go i could not believe she was booted off but that goes to show it’s still a white world white folk break all the rules and still get ahead black folk follow the rules and still end up with nothing when will this wicked white world change.