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Late last week, we here at TVgasm decided to prematurely endorse Joey Lawrence as our fleet-footed mascot for the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars, premiering tonight. Sure, there were dissenting voices, but let’s keep it real now. It’s all about Joey “The Joseph” Lawrence. With his head freshly Chiklis-ed, he’s ready to take on even the most demanding of paso dobles. And let’s not forget his partner Edyta Sllwinska, a two-time alum who’s had to endure the Holyfield-Hamilton double whammy. These two are ready to take the dance floor by storm, and nobody’s gonna stop them! Why? Our reasons after the jump!
Tucker Carlson with Elena Grinenko
Seriously. It’s Tucker Carlson. So he wears a bowtie a lot? Big deal! Joey Lawrence is bald now and looks forty-five! Try that one on for size, Tucker Carl-suck! His glory days ended about one second before John Stewart called him a dick on CNN. His inner-shame will surely compromise his fancy footwork. Giselle Fernandez he is not. Goner.
Monique Coleman with Louis Van Amstel Lite
I don’t know much about Monique Coleman except that she’s apparently a teen idol thanks to her role in the Disney cultural phenomenon, High School Musical. I guess this predisposes her to some nifty dancing skills, and if she’s prone to spazzing out, her partner Louis Van Amstel has had plenty experience taming the wild beast that is Lisa Rinna. Still, Monique simply can’t beat Joey Lawrence because last time I checked, she wasn’t bald. And Joey Lawrence is. Advantage: Joey Lawrence.
Sara Evans with Tony Dovolani
Sara’s claim to fame is that she’s apparently a country star and “top-selling singing sensation.” She’s dancing with Tony Dovolani, which means she has to fill the mighty shoes of Stacy Keibler. Of course, since Sara is neither blonde nor leggy, she will fail miserably in this task. Boo!
Willa Ford with Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Okay, the fact that Willa Ford even qualifies for this show is mildly upsetting. Last time I checked, she had one tiny blip of a song that penetrated the charts for about two weeks before she disappeared forever. Oh, and she used to date Nick Carter. Her bio says she’s the self-professed “bad girl of pop,” although we like to call her the “Wait? Who is she again? girl of pop.” Sorry, Willa fans. All I’m saying is that she’s no Hoku. At least we know who Joey Lawrence is! Smell ya later, Willa “Not Cather” Ford.
Ms. Vivica A. Fox with Nick Kosovich
I don’t know what Vivica will bring to the table, but I imagine it will be something between Tia Carrere and Lisa Rinna. Either way, I’m sure she’ll be a handful (unlike Joey, who will be the perfect gentleman). Vivica will most likely be a diva on the dance floor, but after spending last season in the arms of one Tatum O’Neal, I’m sure Nick Kosovich will do just fine with his Independence Day star. Unfortunately, no 50 Cent means no vote. Joey shall crush her!
Harry Hamlin with Ashly DelGrosso
Sure, Ashly may be a fan favorite, and sure, Harry has a built in audience thanks to wife Lisa Rinna, but we say FEH! Joey Lawrence has a time-honored catchphrase in the word “Whoa,” and if Mr. LA Law thinks he can top that, he’s got another thing coming. Hope Harry enjoys sympathy votes because that’s all he’s gonna get.
Mario Lopez with Karina Smirnoff
Okay, the big question: will Mario Lopez be able to overthrow Joey Lawrence? Yes, he has a well-documented history of magnificent dancing, but consider this: he rose to fame on NBC, he currently stars on a CBS soap opera (Bold and the Beautiful), and he once portrayed Greg Louganis in a TV movie. Two rival networks and one gay portrayal? Yeah, that won’t fly long on ABC. Oh, and let’s not overlook his partner’s last name: Smirnoff. You know what that means: DRUNKARD. No chance whatsoever.
Shanna Moakler with Jesse DeSoto
Known affably to most audiences as “That botoxed crazy wife from Meet The Barkers,” Shanna will probably be the Tatum O’Neal of season three. And that’s not a good thing (at least for her trophy chances. It’s awesome for the viewers though).
Emmitt Smith with Cheryl Burke
What better way to follow in Jerry Rice’s footsteps than by sticking us with NFL great Emmitt Smith? I can’t imagine him being as limber as Jerry (who, let’s face it, didn’t deserve to be top three), but he’ll probably be better than Evander Holyfield. Emmitt’s got an ace up his sleeve with Cheryl Burke, who, by the way, just happens to be one half of the reigning championship team. Emmitt’s also bald, like Joey, but we think that when push comes to chaîné, the Blossom star will win out. Because he’s AWESOME.
Jerry Springer Kym Johnson
The only thing noteworthy about this duo is that Kym spells her name K-Y-M, which is really dumb. Not even a threat to Joey.
So as you can see, our airtight arguments have demonstrated that Joey Lawrence will undoubtedly win this competition. No question in our minds.
But on the off chance that you are not swayed by our presentation, who do you think is the early favorite to go all the way?