Date My Ex: Decision Drunk Dial

“How many copies do you think my album will sell?”

Tonight on Date My Ex… we have arrived! We have reached the end of this ludicrous journey and have only one more hour until we know all! It’s been a long week of nail biting, pacing, foot tapping, and tears, but at last it’s Monday night on Bravo. Here we are, eagerly awaiting Jo’s final Big Decision. What filler will we have to endure before we can finally put an end to this?We come back to our agonizing cliffhanger of Slade asking Jo if she still has feelings for him and Jo sparkling like crazy. Jo tears up as best she can and tells Slade she’ll always have feelings for him, of course. HA! I knew it! I mean, I know it didn’t take Nostradamus to see that line coming, but I did, in fact, call it. She goes on, however, to tell Slade that she needs to do this for herself, meaning move on, I guess. Jo tells us that she and Slade need to take their relationship to another level – the level of an amazing friendship. I thought that’s what you guys were. Wasn’t that the whole premise here? Slade nods like a big boy and they stroll off out of the park together. Bummer.

“Slade, I said no gum. Spit it out!”

Jo meets up with the girlfriends to tell them about refusing Slade. The girls pretty much don’t care and want to know what she’s going to do about her Final Decision tomorrow. Jo says she can’t possibly make such a decision at Slade’s house, which is apparently just what Brunette Friend has been waiting to hear. She throws her arms in the air and screams, “Road trip!” They all start giggling and Jo tells us that retreating to some other place will be the best thing “fer sure.” Then she asks Blonde Bangs to tell Chris and Lucas for her that she’s ditching them. Of course she will! That is what a good anorexic hostess does.

Speaking of the World’s Sweetest Bro-mance, Chris and Lucas are making themselves some healthy egg whites bright and early the next morning. They give us the irritating news that they will each be taking Jo on one final date today before the Final Decision. Are you kidding me? What, pray tell, are these dates going to determine that we don’t already know?

“So couples yoga after we eat?”

As they continue to give each other googly eyes Blonde Bangs prances in to make her announcement. She says that Jo is at a crossroads, she needs more time and she’s gone to San Diego. No elimination tonight! The guys are all like, “So now what? We just make out with each other tonight?” But Blonde Bangs assures them that they will be joining Jo in San Diego where she will make her Final Decision. The guys are less excited about seeing Jo, and more excited about getting out of Slade’s house. They pack jubilantly.

Jo is back in the confessional booth pleading with us to understand that she just HAS to get out of LA to clear her head and get some perspective. Jo? No one cares. Let’s move it along. Next Blonde Bangs calls Slade to tell him that they’re leaving and then she goes on to tell him PRECISELY where they’re going. Specifically, the Ivy Hotel in downtown San Diego. Well, you have one guess as to where Slade is headed.

Chris and Lucas arrive at the hotel and immediately start basking in the glorious surroundings. It’s unclear whether or not they get their own rooms, but I can bet they’ll be sleeping together tonight. After putting their crap down they head out to stroll around downtown San Diego and see what the city has to offer. Just kidding! They head straight for the hotel bar and start getting drunk. Chris says he’s expecting Blonde Bangs to show up and give them further instructions, so imagine his surprise when it’s SLADE who rears his ugly head! He’s wearing a t-shirt, jeans and another freaking scarf. No crocheted cap today, unfortunately.

Lucas is so ready to throw down.

The Bro-Mance Boys have a kind of stand-off with Slade right there in the hotel bar and Slade finally breaks down and apologizes for ruining the last elimination ceremony. He assures the boys that it has nothing to do with them – they’re awesome! It’s just that he had all these feelings resurfacing about Jo and he really needed to explore them. But alas, he’s figured out what he needs to know and he’s now just here to wish the bros luck. They all shake hands and then Slade slinks away.

Chris’s theory is that Slade isn’t really sorry, it’s just that his ego got in the way and he had to explain himself. He also says that whoever ends up dating Jo is going to be dealing with Slade all the time. Oh Chris, you are way over-thinking this. Meanwhile Slade is headed for a lounge somewhere else in the hotel to hit up the girls. I’m so glad these people got out of wretched LA so that they could clear their minds sitting around inside the lobby and bar of a hotel (of which LA has none, obviously). Great thinking, geniuses!

“I’m like, so glad we got out of LA. I just can not THINK in the hotel lounges up there.”

The girls are working on ridding themselves of their own sobriety when Slade approaches to proudly announce that he is the bigger man and has apologized to the guys and is here to say good luck.

“Gosh I’m incredible.”

Jo does her puppy dog smile-pout and stares at Slade for an extended period of time before telling us how proud she is of Slade for being so amazing and impressive. Yes, the entire nation is in awe. He is a selfless hero and we should all take a day off of work to celebrate Slade Smiley. Smiley Day. It’s a three day weekend! Slade drives away patting himself on the back with vigor.

Blonde Bangs joins the boys 20 feet away in the bar and tells them that they are going on one last date with Jo before she makes her Final Decision. Do we really have to hear everything three or four times on this show? We know! There are more dates and then Jo won’t be able to decide. She’ll put on more makeup and scrunch up her face, say everything is cute and she doesn’t know what to do. Please. It’s hard enough to watch, let’s not have to talk about it over and over. Anyway Lucas will have his date first. He’s really sad to have to stop hanging with Chris, but he’ll do it for the good of the show!

Upstairs Jo is busy putting on a tank top that she claims is a dress. Even the Dingbat Duo tell her that they can see her hoolahay and she needs to put on pants. Jo says they’re being silly – she’s wearing boots, isn’t she? And it’s downstairs to meet Lucas! They have a joyful reunion and head off to a park to sit around and coo at each other. She tells us that Lucas is so wonderful because she can have so much fun with him and just be herself. As they sit there, Jo says to Lucas that their outfits kind of match. No, Jo, Lucas actually got dressed. Lucas decides to make a speech proclaiming his intentions. He talks about how much fun he’s had since the beginning, but now he’s realizing how real this is for him and that he’s falling for Jo. Jo is thrilled to hear that someone is falling for her and she tells us that her heart dropped when he said that. Oh look, Lucas has a present. He’s visited the Build-A-Bear Workshop and made Jo a teddy bear wearing a dress so short you can see its privates. It’s a Jo Bear!

“How CUTE! It’s not wearing pants!”

And there’s more. When you push on the bear’s little clutch purse there is a recorded message from Lucas. I was totally expecting it to be something like, “Jo’s a hottie.” Or “Hey Jo, I miss you.” You know, just a sweet little phrase. But the recording goes on and on – Lucas first introduces himself, then says he hopes she likes the bear, then that he’s thinking of her, and then that he can’t wait to spend more time together. Wow, I bet she’ll be pressing that little clutch purse day in and day out to repeatedly hear that speech. Jo thinks it’s… CUTE.

It turns out there’s a wishing well and so Jo and Lucas both go and throw pennies into it. Jo says that her wish was that she can figure out whom to choose. Shocking. Ew, it’s kissy time. Jo perches on Lucas’s lap and does some of her signature bad kissing. Jo says, “You’re cute.” Lucas says, “You’re cute.” Man, these two would have an exciting life together!

For Chris’s date, Jo decides to actually wear pants. That’s nice of you, Jo. America says thank you. Chris tells us he wants to show Jo more about himself and become more vulnerable. No thanks, Chris.

“Where is Lucas to shave my back?”

Jo asks the girls to have a cocktail ready for her when she gets home because she has some deep serious thinking to do. That sounds about right.

Jo and Chris embrace and head off on their date to a lighthouse. Jo has a hard time going up the path because it is, in fact, outdoors and she is, of course, wearing stilettos.

“Couldn’t we have just stayed in the hotel lobby? It was clean in there.”

By the way, Chris is wearing a very deep V-neck t-shirt and Lucas was wearing an even deeper one before. What is up with that? It is not flattering or masculine at all. Anyway, Chris has set out a little pail full of ice and a champagne bottle. Next to the bottle are some potted hydrangeas, which Jo thinks Chris has brought in just for her. She gushes, “Hydrangeas! My favorite!” Chris is like, “Uh, exactly.” My theory is that those are part of the lighthouse grounds and Chris caught a lucky break. Chris goes to pop the champagne bottle, or “shoot” it, and as he struggles with it, Jo does baby talk, “You look kinda sexy when you shoot.” Ugh. Shut up. As they sit and sip, they discuss that this would be their life if they were married. What, just sitting around drinking? Probably yes, except you’d hate each other. Jo asks – again! – what Chris wants out of this. This is such a thinly veiled attempt to get Chris to tell Jo how wonderful she is and how much she deserves, and he happily obliges. She tells us she’s really impressed that Chris isn’t afraid to share all of that with her. Of course you are, Jo. He says something about falling in love, and Jo says she feels safe with him. Then Chris says, “You have my heart. What are you going to do with it?” Jo says her heart melted when he said that. More bad kissing.

Back at the Ivy Hotel, the girls are having drinks at the bar in their suite. Are these people ever sober? Jo bellies up to the bar and requests more alcohol.

“Yeah, all Chris brought was champagne, can you believe it?”

Here are her grand revelations of the day: With Chris she can talk about anything. Like life and real… things. Wow Jo. How long did it take your brain to formulate that thought? With Lucas it’s fun, laughing… fun, fun, fun. She’s not sure which she wants. Blonde Bangs says Jo has to choose between love and fun. Brunette Friend thinks Jo should get love AND fun. This is getting more profound by the second! What will happen next? Brunette Friend thinks Jo needs someone to play with or she’ll get bored. Blonde Bangs disagrees. Jo’s dated the fun guys, but it’s time to find someone with real potential. Brunette Friend brings up the hectic schedule of Jo the Recording Artist. Will either of these guys be able to keep up? Blonde Bangs’ big argument: You can’t control who you love. Ultimately all three girls shrug their shoulders and drink up. And I think we can safely assume that about sums up the rest of their lives as well.

The next segment is Jo doing a series of flashbacks tracing her “journey” with each guy. I will certainly not entertain this. It’s been seen, written about, mocked, and vomited on. See previous recaps if you would like to relive the horror.

The guys preen to get ready for the Final Decision. They both yammer about wanting to be the winner because Jo is such a prize and a catch. Uh huh. For some reason unbeknownst to humankind, Jo deems it appropriate to call Slade. Wait, I know. She’s wasted. This is nothing but a drunk dial. She says she wouldn’t feel good about going into the Elimination without talking to Slade first because he’s her best friend and like family. So she gets him on the phone, tells him it’s time for the Big One, then refuses to tell him who she’s choosing. Well, this was another waste of precious brain activity.

“Jo tries desperately to keep her balance and focus her pupils.”

Blonde Bangs greets Jo on the Elimination Patio and tells her she’s on her own this time. Also that love conquers all. Whatever, here comes Chris. Jo gives the expected speech about how comfortable she feels with Chris, that they have familiarity, that Chris notices all the little things, he makes her feel like a woman, he’s romantic and he’s swept her off her feet.

“Do I smell whiskey shots?”

BUT Jo has to go with her heart and her heart is pulling her in another direction. Chris cuts her off, saying “Don’t say it – just give me a hug.” He hugs her and walks away and I have to say that’s not a bad way to make an exit. Chris says that he’s really sad; he really liked Jo and thought they could have something together, but he knows that the right girl is out there for him somewhere. Good luck with that, Chris.

And here comes Lucas. And here comes another speech. Jo’s had nothing but laughs and fun with Lucas, she always has an amazing time with him and they can play around with each other. You know, basically all the deep stuff that lasting love is built on. Jo says she has flaws, but Lucas embraces her flaws. And here’s the line we’ve all been waiting for. “I think we should be more than friends. I pick you.”

“We’re going to have so much CUTE fun!”

Take that, Slade! Jo picked Lucas! Despite you being the bigger man and despite your past with Jo and despite National Smiley Day! We have a winner! Date My Ex has resulted in the loving union of two wonderful people! Lucas tells us how lucky he is to win this incredible woman and Jo says she followed her heart. She tells us she’s going to take Lucas to Hawaii and she wants to see what happens. Well I am on the edge of my seat, how about you? The girls join them with congratulations and more alcohol and… finally we are done!

So what do you think? Is this real? Has Jo actually chosen herself a new boyfriend? Well, wonder no longer, beloved readers. I have the answer straight from the horse’s mouth! It seems that Lucas has his own little blog on the inter-highway and I have visited said blog. Here is a direct quote from our lucky winner himself: “Currently, Jo De La Rosa and myself are not dating and we didn’t go to Hawaii.” Aw, you mean Jo didn’t even make good on her parting promise? And it’s been what, like five minutes since shooting wrapped? What a disappointing shame for one and all! For more on this charming dynamo, you too can visit his blog by clicking here. But I must forewarn you – it’s mostly about Lucas and his Best Boyfriend Forever, Chris.

Also, Bravo is whoring Jo’s music video on their website, which I will not link to because I just can not condone that. You are on your own there.

At long last we are free of Date My Ex! Again, I sincerely appreciate everyone who read and commented on this nightmare of a show. It’s been a ridiculous ride, but I’ve had a blast. Can’t wait to hear what you think of the finale!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta