Dating In the Dark: I Had Cancer, Make Out With Me!

Tonight on DIDT: There’s drama in the house as all three girls fall for the same guy! And yet, with all that drama, ABC still can’t stop this suck-train from sucking along on the suckiest tracks in Sucktown.

“I’m sorry. You’re a little shorter and thicker than the girls I normally go for.”

This week’s contestants:

Chris, 26, a part-time personal trainer. His dad died when he was 11, and then he got cancer when he was 15. God, Chris, spoiled much?! Geez. He’s fine now. And now he wants to be the dad that his dad never got to be, so he wants a family. Like now. Here he is, ladies: The holy grail of straight men. Single, fairly attractive, ready to start a family,

and partially employed.

Next is Philip, 27. He joined the Marines when he was 18 to help pay for school. Did he go to college? What is he doing now? These are questions that will never be answered. And these are questions that we shouldn’t care about asking. Phillip wants to find someone who has “depth.” That’s why he signed up for this show. Yeah, good luck with that, Phil.

So sleepy.

The last guy is Billy Ray. Cyrus?!?! Nah. He’s too busy fame-whoring his daughter to be on a show of this caliber. Billy Ray is the oldest, at 33, and his mom has been married like 3 times, his dad 3 times, and his step-dad 4 times. And they say gay people will fuck up the marriage institution? It’s already fubar, breeders. I’m assuming Billy Ray is from the South, because a.) there’s seriously banjo music playing in the background as he speaks, and b.) only people from the South continue to want to be called “Billy Ray” past the age of 8.

“I have an achy-breaky heart.” Yes, that’s the best I could do with this photo.

On to the women. First up is Sasha, 30. She’s a writer. Which means she has a blog and works full-time as a cater/waitress. She usually dates “hot guys,” and wants to find a guy who can handle her cuz she’s wild and crazy! She also wears ugly boots.

Debbie Gibson, what happened to you?!

Megan is 23 (not buying it) and a nanny. What is it with nannies on this show? First Leni, and now Megan? Who’s next?

“I like a man who can clean my chimney. If you know what I mean.”

Megan likes scruffy guys that can hang with her conservative family.

She also likes to put 85% of her hair on one side of her head.

Jennifer is 30 and in the military. Oh, and ABC would like you to watch this for 5 seconds:

Jenn says that men have a hard time dating her because she’s a military “chick who has to be in control of certain situations.”

Like when she ties you to the bed naked and slaps you repeatedly in the face with a kosher hot dog.

Rossi explains the rules to everyone. Hey did you know that the DR (dark room) is a “dark, dark room?” What is this, kindergarten? Rossi has the easiest job in the western hemisphere. Hands down. And now it’s time for the group date. Ten bucks says Chris is the first one to make an asinine dark comment. Yup. “Can you see your fingers?” he asks.

Can you see YOUR fingers? Tool.

Oh, apparently Billy Ray is a freelance writer, because it says so under his name now. Also, he’s one of those intense people who talks loudly and never blinks. So, he’s probably the one I’m going to hate the most tonight. Be prepared. Sasha wants to date a guy who makes her barf and pee from laughing. What a coincidence – I’m throwing up right now, Sasha! Jenn likes outdoorsy stuff, and Megan’s ideal FIRST date is to do something adventurous like (I’m not kidding) going to Zimbabwe to do lion rehabilitation. Everyone finds this endearing and romantic (especially Billy Ray and Sasha). I find it crazy as effing hell. Chris gets very philosophical and says that he likes his dates to consist of “something fun.” Wow, that’s deep stuff, people. Deep, deep stuff. As soon as he says “I’m a personal trainer” Jenn’s all about Chris. Then they all go back to their areas of the house and discuss each other. It’s all very boring.

Now it’s time for choosing the individual dates. Billy Ray and Megan chose each other. Megan asks Billy Ray about his family. His dad died of an overdose. Way to open up old wounds, Meggie. Next up is Billy Ray and Sasha. Billy Ray is out of the picture when Sasha finds out he’s allergic to cats. And Sasha works a “16 hour work day.” Yeah, I don’t believe that. Like, at all. Billy Ray likes to be lazy. Sasha, after the date, goes on this whole tirade to Megan about how she has a lot of “oomph,” and Billy Ray doesn’t have “oomph,” so maybe he can’t handle her “oomph,” and she says “oomph” literally 8 or 9 times and I wish Megan would slap her.

Chris and Jenn are next, and she interviews that it’s great that they’re both into fitness. Jenn’s pretty but she seems about as fascinating as bottled water. And they again prove my theory that the DR turns people into horny pre-teens: Jenn asks Chris to do push-ups with her on his back.

“Oh, damn, is that the 10-inch strap-on? That’s nice.”

Philip invited Jenn into the dark room. They talk military and school and it’s not interesting at all. Jenn wants to see Phil again.

Sasha invited Chris on a date in the DR. Chris talks about his dad and then talks about his Hodgkin’s disease. Um, Chris, she asked about your family, not about your cancer. I’m sorry Chris had cancer, and I’m glad he’s in remission, but he’s still a bit of a d-bag. Back at the girls wing, Sasha and Jenn say they’re both into Chris. You know what? None of the guys in this episode are date-worthy, if you ask me. Actually, now that I think about it, none of the girls are either. This episode is a waste of time for a quality show like Dating in the Dark.

This week’s gimmick: The girls go through the guys’ wallets, and the guys go through the girls’ purses. Billy Ray has lottery tickets, Sasha’s purse is a mess, Phil has a lot of cash and credit cards. Hmmm. Phil just became date-able! Jenn’s purse is a bit rough.

And it appears that she likes to eat lipstick.

Chris has $70 in his wallet as well as a CPR card inside. Seriously. What’s the point of that? If you know CPR, you know it, and you give it if you have to. You don’t need a stupid card to carry around in your wallet in case you want to impress girls in bars on a saturday ni- . . . Ah. I see. Megan’s purse is neat and clean, and Chris finds that attractive. Wha?

It’s that time again where we find out who people are compatible with, based on the names the production assistant pulled out of a hat 5 minutes before they started shooting this episode. Again, the compatible people must date each other. Like you didn’t already know that! Sasha/Billy Ray, Jenn/Philip, Megan/Chris. Sasha and Jenn are pissed at Megan.

On their date, Chris brings food to Megan and she has to guess what it is. Oh, this will be hard, because being blind renders your senses of taste and smell and touch completely useless! Right? Isn’t that what — no? I’m wrong? And what’s that? This show is stupid? Gotcha. So there are 6 foods that Megan has to try. The first one is an apple. An apple, folks. Megan unbelievably guesses correctly! How the hell did she pull THAT off?! Then it’s bread, and we don’t find out what the other 4 foods are. Damn you, producers of Dating In the Dark! So, since Megan somehow miraculously guessed all the foods correctly, Chris has to give Megan an “arm tickle.” I’m torn because on the one hand I’m glad that, for once, people aren’t getting to third base after 30 seconds in the DR, but also — lame. Megan says she likes to hang out with her family, but also friends. Thrilling. Blah blah blah Chris likes that blah.

Sasha and Billy Ray. Sasha asks Billy Ray if he started dating someone right now, when would he be ready for marriage? He says a year or two, Sasha says she doesn’t know when she’d be ready. Yeah, and if Chris had said “a year or two,” Sasha would have been all, “Me too! Me too! Oomph! Ooooooooooommmmmmmmmmppppppphhhhh!” Billy Ray tells the guys that it was a boring date and he feels no spark with anyone.

Phil and Jenn salsa dance. In the dark. Jenn interviews that maybe Phil is more like a brother, but she’s torn between him and Chris.

Jenn invited Chris on a date, and dammit! I think she’s bringing strawberries and chocolate. Well, I’m half right – strawberries and whipped cream. Why do people think strawberries are like, THE sex food? Wouldn’t a banana be more obvious? And have more of your daily requirement of potassium? Jenn asks Chris what he thinks his best feature is, and he says, “my honesty, and my trust.” Jenn thinks that’s really sexy. I think it’s completely boring.

“Wait, this isn’t the strap-on!”

Phil and Jenn. Again? I’m a bit confused. I mean, I really don’t care, but how did this happen? Is this another one of their compatibility dates? Whatever. Jenn tells Phil that she’s torn between him and Chris. Phil is like, if you want to date Chris, date Chris and don’t worry about it. Damn! Phil is a MAN! That took a lot of balls, Phil. A lot of balls. I tip my hat to you, sir, for being one mature dude. Phil then says in an interview, “I don’t think my feelings are hurt by not finding the perfect girl here.” Dang, dude! Phil rocks.

Billy Ray wants to try it again with Megan, who asks him what is the most important aspect in a relationship to him. He says that, to be honest, “after a while, sight matters.” So . . . Billy Ray won’t date a blind girl? He just wants a girl who is able to see? That shouldn’t be so hard to — what’s that? You say he probably meant “attractiveness?” Then why the hell didn’t he say that?! Megan says that sometimes people become more attractive because of their personalities.

And sometimes, just the opposite happens.

Billy Ray interviews that he felt no connection. Also, does he remind anyone else of a less attractive Ken Marino? Just a little bit? Maybe it’s the way he talks, but I’m getting a total Vinnie Van Lowe vibe from Billy Ray. Billy Ray also says, “I’m beginning to know, there’s not my perfect girl. They’re not here.” Dayum! First Phil, now Billy Ray? This is the most drama-filled ep of DITD thus far! And yet, it still sucks.

So now it’s time for the final dates, and the girls get to pick who they want to ask out for the last time. All three pick Chris. Megan’s up first and asks Chris for his greatest life experience. Chris says that if he had one day, he’d go to the lake. Um, that’s totally not what she asked. Chris voice overs that you can tell a lot from the way a girl kisses, so he vows to kiss all three girls. So they kiss.

“Shhh. Don’t talk. You’ll spoil the crappiness.”

Jenn’s up next. She asks Chris about his most embarrassing moment. Oooh, I hope it involves a shart! Chris starts off with, “I was diagnosed with cancer, at 15.” Dude, I’m sorry, but I GET IT. I guess there was a substitute teacher, and Chris was bald from chemo, and asked that everyone take off their hats, and one kid was like, “He has cancer,” and then the teacher apologized after class. Look, editing or not, it really seems like Chris is playing the cancer card to his advantage, and I’m just not cool with that. Jenn interviews that Chris is really open with his life and she likes that, and then they kiss, and Chris is like, “You don’t think I’m a player, do you?” Um, I do!

Sasha’s up. She asks how important sex is to Chris in a relationship. He says he doesn’t have one night stands, and you know what? I don’t believe that. At all. Chris interviews that Sasha is a little too “sexual.” If by “sexual” you mean “extremely needy and high maintenance,” then yeah. I agree, Chris. Then they kiss, but Sasha doesn’t so much kiss Chris as violently mash her face into his.

I’ve seen baboons that were more subtle.

Chris tells the guys that he kissed all three girls, and Billy Ray is like, “Reealllly?!” Totally understand, bro. But hey, Chris “doesn’t have one night stands,” remember? Jenn tells the other girls that “every one of us is, you know, trying to find the man of our dreams” — on a reality dating show. That takes place in a dark room. — “and whoever he selects, you know . . . we could be friends after this.” I don’t know if she means friends with each other or with Chris, but I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. She’ll never see these hos again.

And now it’s time for Chris to see everyone. Chris says it’s a difficult decision because he wants to get married and start a family. So, he HAS to do that with one of these girls? Is that in the contract? I hate this show. Megan’s up first. Love her plaid dress, except for the collar, which is dumb. Chris gives the usual outer beauty/inner beauty speech. Megan’s light goes on and Chris smiles, then Chris’s light goes on and Megan smiles, but what’s this . . . she seems disappointed! Chris says Megan is “bigger” than a girl he would normally date (man, I hate this show), but he’s definitely attracted to her. Megan? Not so much.

Sasha’s next. Her light comes up, and Chris is, I guess, mildly impressed. And here’s Sasha’s reaction when she sees Chris:

“I hate you.”

Chris tells the guys, “Again, she’s a bigger girl,” (I hate you, ABC), but since she’s a redhead he’s not attracted to him. Sasha interviews that his suit looked like it was borrowed from his dad. His dad’s dead, you insensitive bitch! But also, she’s totally right. I think my dad has that exact same tie. Also, his hair is too spiky, and she realized that when he wasn’t talking to her, she wasn’t attracted to him. Something tells me Sasha is only attracted to guys who pay complete attention to her. At all times.

Jenn’s up. Chris says that her kiss was awesome. Jenn walks to the DR, and I will say this: she has a very sturdy gait. Her light comes on, and Chris likey. His light comes on, and Jenn likey. Chris says Jenn is the most attractive of the girls, but she has more of a “wild look, more of a strong personality.” And Chris wants a girl he can emotionally walk all over. Will they meet on the veranda? Will I make it through this whole episode? You’ll just have to wait!

Until this paragraph. Sasha says she usually dates men who are more attractive than Chris. Sounds like someone learned a lesson on this show! And that someone wasn’t Sasha, by the way. So she’ll have to evaluate his personality. Jenn says that his age could be a problem. Megan says she had a good connection with Chris, but even if her family loved him, he wouldn’t fit in with her social life. Chris says he was most physically attracted to Jenn. So, Chris walks out onto the veranda, and Rossi voice overs that any — or all three — of the women could show up on the balcony. Awkward! Chris’s hair is way too high. Sasha opens the door — the front door! And walks away. Sasha says that the lesson she learned is, “Looks definitely matter to me, and they matter to the rest of the world, and anyone who says they don’t is lying.” Geez. Bitter much? She knows she’s superficial, and she’s kind of okay with that. Then we’re treated to a full minute of dramatic synthesized violins and people waiting, and it’s dumb. Then Megan walks out the front door, and none of us are surprised, right? She says she didn’t want to lead him on, when she already had doubts about “where he’d fit.” So that just leaves Jenn. Dammit, enough with the synthesized violins, ABC! Chris waits out on the porch . . . and Jenn opens the front door! Oh, dip! None of the girls wanted to meet Chris on the balcony! Jenn says she feels horrible, but he’s too young for her (um, did he not ever tell her his age before she saw him in the light?), and it “breaks [her] heart, because he would be the perfect match.” Geez, he’s four years younger, it’s not like he’s a Jonas brother for pete’s sakes. Whatever.

Chris says he doesn’t know why Jenn didn’t come out on the balcony. Chris goes on to say that he thought this would be “the perfect opportunity to meet the girl of his dreams.” Seriously? Damn. Blah blah that special girl is out there blah. Later, suckas!

Next week: Same shit, different flies.